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My Husband Desires Other Women

If my husbands appears to desire after a woman he knew before we got married, does this constitue a lustful nature? Do I have grounds for divorce, if this is the case?

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 ---Ettea on 4/3/05
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Ok you said appears to be attracted to her. Have you spoken with him about that. It's very easy to let the enemy make us think things that aren't true. If you havnt talked to him please do. Communication is so important.
As for grounds it divorce unless you have proof of him sleeping with another woman there is no grounds for divorce. Do you really want a divorce and if so are there other issues or just your suspicion that he has desires for another woman? If so these things should all be dealt with in counseling sessions with your pastor or another qualified Christian counselor.
---Liz on 9/24/10


If you do divorce him and you can, you are to Remain Single with the lord or reconsiliate. You are bound by the law of marriage as long as your husband lives 1 Cor 7.

That does not mean you are downtrodden, less as a person, wrong or indifferent to others, it means you now will begin a life solely dependant on Jesus Christ and thats Great.

For every woman in that situation is a long sight better than, living with another man sin adultery playing happy families, going to and uncertain eternity refusing to recognise this adulterous state. Why?( cos ur hubby ain't dead).
---Carla on 8/19/10


Jesus said in Math 5:32 that fornication (sexual sin) is cause for divorce. In Mathew 5:28 Jesus says if you look with lust the sin is done in the heart. Only God knows for each couple whether all has been done to restore the marriage. To say however that a wife is under some sort of obligation to allow herself to be emotionally destroyed by a husband who will not change fornication/adulterous ways is a lie from hell.If your husband has an unfaithful, lustful heart and you have prayed,tried to reach him,sought counsel & he refuses to admit the problem or blames you some how for it,I urge you as a daughter of the Most High God to seek His wisdom for the next step in your life.Our Father loves his girls.
---Jennifer on 8/18/10


This man is very low class and disrespecting you. And he is getting away with it! Stop this before it gets out of hand. He would not want you to do this to him. Playing these type of games are very hurtful. If you join in with him, this going to get further out of hand and is very dangerous. Stop it now! Have a heart to heart talk with this ill-mannered bloke. It may do some good. I doubt it very seriously.
I don't think this is grounds for divorce but if it hurts this badly, You might consider separation, for a while. Or permanently.
---Robyn on 8/10/10


HMM let us know when he starts desiring other MEN, then we know you have a problem.
Until then, enjoy your marriahge, and do not feel threatened.
Men LIKE women simple as that.
They may enjoy looking at more than one.
But that does not mean he desires to be unfaithful.
---francis on 8/10/10




I have been married for 25 years and the husband is just like mine. We have 6 children, and he has cheated many times. God will take care of him, and don't blame yourself, because he is the only one to blame. He has self esteem. And to the men saying give them more sex, trust me, it wouldn't matter. They still will cheat and lust after other women.
---Lori on 8/8/10


I have the same situation, myself. I have had a lot of years and heard a lot of excuses as to why my husband can't leave his ex-husband alone. If I could catch him in bed with her, I would get a divorse, but as it is, that is impossible so I give it to God to handle. I pray it will be a quick job because sometimes I feel it is too much stress wise on me to continue with these angry feelings of being deceived almost every day with lies. You can't claim adultery, but you can claim unfaithfulness and putting a stumbleing block in front of your relationship with the lord.
---Darlene on 10/13/08


I thought the responses were healing, soothing, to unresolved fantasy. Although beyond the fantasy side of limerence.
---john on 1/22/08


Ettea, dear heart, don't blame yourself as some suggested. If your husband is actively attracted to a former love, the problem is HIS. Some suggested you may not be giving him enough sex. Mule muffins. My husband and I had an active sex life, yet he had a roving eye and eventually left to satisfy it. It's "the greener grass syndrome". Seek out a competant Christian counselor. You can remove yourself from the situation without a divorce...there are options. Keep well, dear friend.
---Kelly on 7/18/05


I can understand your pain, my husband has done the same thing to me. I am trying to work things out with him.
I am not sure if I do trust him yet, I am trying. If you truly love your husband, then it might be worth working things out with him. You do need to find out what he wants too.
---mary on 7/18/05




Hello ettea, It does appear that your husband has a great problem. But don't go as far now as divorce. It would be good if he would acknowledge that he has a problem and see a good councelor. Talk to him with love and not anger. He is now married to you and not her. Van from UK, I think sister Janice is correct. We cannot go around lusting at other women.
---Lupe on 5/9/05


I found these replies to be quite irritating. YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM NOW. And find out what is going on in his mind. God says that he is to love you as Christ loved the church, if he is lusting after someone else, he isn't loving you right. Is he a Christian, or proclaim to be. Seek counsil of the church. If you married him you must love him, could you give it all up "that" easy without at least a bit of a fight. Alan of UK.. it is "not" "OK" for him to lust after another woman.. for take care what is in your mind, you could bring action to it.
---Janice on 4/10/05


It is sinful for a husband or wife to lust after another. It is even worse to do it in front of the spouse. Husband and wife are a gift to each other from the Lord. To abuse one's spouse is to mock the Lord. If there are problems in a marriage, then both should seek spiritual help. While we can offer suggestions, we cannot know the true nature of that marriage. In most cases, the responses we provide are simply a reflection of our own experiences, either as the offender or as the victim. I say, Ask God for guidance. Only then can you be sure to receive the right answer.
---Dee on 4/10/05


A person who cheats is to be held responsible for their own inequities. To blame the spouse is wrong. A marriage is a holy union between two people. The person who commits adultery will be held accountable, if not in this world, then in the next. While the Lord does dislike divorce, He does not intend for us to be abused and misused. Ask God, he will provide you with an answer. I spent 11 years trying to save my marriage. Eventually, I had to admit to myself that it was all in vain. It takes two to keep a marriage holy. Be true to yourself, you deserve to be loved.
---Dee on 4/10/05


Absolutely Not is it grounds for divorce. Jesus never said "except for adultery, causes his wife to committ adultery" Jesus said except for fornication, the Greek word is porneia - illicit sex, and it is a different word then used for adultery. The whole point is that Sex breaks the one fleshness of Marriage. Compare the following sciptures and it is clear why Jesus says what he says about unless there is fornication a man may not divorce with out committing adultery. Mt 19:5 1Co 6:16 Co 6:18
---Tammy on 4/9/05


God hates divorce, marriage is for keeps, if he appears to desire other women, have you asked him if he does? and if so what was his reply? Do you look at other men? and do you desire them? sometimes talking things out saves a lot of hardships. talk with the Lord, and both of you discuss the topic before the LOrd
---Ron on 4/8/05


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Understand you very well. My husband did 21 years in the military. I found out that he was cheating on me, while he was stationed in another state. He swears he has never had affairs on me. But I do know he is lieing to me. I have proof of it. Plus, my girls and myself went to visit him one weekend we caught him up in his trailer with another woman. I try to forget and forgive but its a very hard thing to do. I have prayed and left it in God's hands. He is going to answer for all his faults.
---Lois on 4/8/05


Wife
I did assume that the husband was saved and married for love, you are right men and women do marry for different reasons, and with that assumption I referred to James 5:20 where we are to try to help a brother or sister when we see that they are in error.
---Pardoned_2 on 4/7/05


Matthew 5:27-28

Jesus said, "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
But I say unto you , That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."
---Paula on 4/6/05


Dear Pardoned 2,
Unforntualtly men and woman both may marry a person (for various reason;lonliness, sex, money, acceptance, etc..) and may not love them. I know because my husband (after two years) told me he loves me but he is not in love with me. Perhaps Ettea's husband, like my husband, talks about another woman, has pictures woman and speaks sexually about this woman and may even say...I am in love with her. This is a real world, where just because a person says I am a Christian, doesn't mean they truly know Christ, whether they be a husband or a wife....Where do I stand?
A Wife
---A_Wife on 4/6/05


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What on earth is wrong here? Why do even women say it is this wife's fault if her husband has no moral purity and no loyalty and faithfulness to his wife. I do not know what exactly she means by " appears to desire after" but even if it isn't a woman he already knew and were just photos and porn it is adultry and that is HIS problem not his wifes. And Alan thank GOD FOR MEN LIKE YOU. You give us women hope that there are proper men out there!
---becky on 4/6/05


Alan of UK
I didn't imply anything, other than what I thought was obvious....he married her, so I take it that he loves her. Do men normally marry women they don't love?
Insecurities can create problems where there are none.
---Pardoned_2 on 4/5/05


Pardoned 2 ... you speak as if the fact that the man has married the lady, he is entitled to lust after his previous girl-friend.

No wonder the wife lacks confidence!
---Alan_of_U.K. on 4/5/05


Maybe it's not her fault but the husbands self esteem issue. Some men just want to have attention from all the women that they come in contact with. It's boosts their ego, etc. I should know my exboyfriend had a wondering seeking eye and I had the good sense not to marry him. I pity his wife now.
---Curious_To_Know on 4/5/05


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He married you didn't he? Are you comparing yourself to the other woman?, and maybe feel lacking? He married you, sounds like you could use some self-confidence.
---Pardoned_2 on 4/4/05


I am surprised that most of the replies so far seem to blame Eltia for her husband's behaviour.

Perhaps this is becasue of the insidious effect of the "Wife must submit, husband must be right" belief of many.

Sorry, but if a man strays, it is usually because of his desire, and of his lack of loyalty, and his betrayal of his wife.
---Alan_of_U.K. on 4/4/05


To blame the woman on her husbands cheating is a sickniss in itself. It says in 1COR.7 that if the unbelieving partner wants to go let him go.Is he not already going? Can this bring peace what he does?
---kathy on 4/4/05


If your heart is hardened and he no longer wants to be with you. According to Matthew 5:27-32 and remember the sins we have committed against God, are your husbands sins greater?
Matthew 6:6-15, often I think of the sins God forgave me of and that is how much more I love Him. God says in His Word, and you can search for this one, a sanctified wife, sanctifies her husband. I know it to be very difficult to focus on God when your spouse is making foolish decisions, but if you made it this far, see if God can do anything with it.
---ms_donna on 4/4/05


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Divorce is not the answer or solution to this problem. Check yourself. What is it that attracts this woman to your husband. Probably sex. Then choose to be your husband's flirt by giving him enough sex. I mean it, ENOUGH sex.
---Obukaroro on 4/4/05


Only your Husband and God knows if your husband is lusting after another woman. So unless he tells you he is, or if he committs adultry, you have no reason to divorce him. And that is not to say if he is lusting, that you have the right either. You should talk to your pastor on this. I hope that you are not LOOKING for a reason to divorce.
---a_friend on 4/4/05


Don't give up on your relationship. Begin to work on your relationship with him. What he may be longing for is not the other woman but a quality in that relationship which appears to not be existant at the present time in your relationship. Sometimes the responsiblities of everyday life create barriers to intimacy in a marriage. Ask God for wisdom. Work on yourself and being a soul mate to your husband. Place God at the head of your relationship. Look back and remember what it was like for both of you when you started your friendship/relationship. Remember, he married you, not her!
---dawn on 4/3/05


Dear Ettea;

It may constitute a "lustful nature", but isn't that something that we all struggle with in some form or another. It does not give you grounds for divorce. The only biblical basis for divorce (Matthew 19: 3-11) is because of adultery or (1Cor. 7: 10-16) when an unbelieving partner leaves. Take your husband and his desire to the Lord! He is loving, faithful, merciful and wanting what is best for both of you! Trust Him, it is worth it!
---Cindy on 4/3/05


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The preface of your first question leaves much room for doubt in qualifying your husband to wear the label of a "lust-driven man". To your second question, I would say it does not provide grounds for divorce! A greater alternative would be to become more intimate with your husband, allow yourself the liberty to move to the inside of his thinking, and ask him to help you transform your marriage into one that would be more pleasing to the Lord. If that should fail, please seek competent Christian counseling; preserving your marriage is indeed worth it!
---Toby on 4/3/05




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