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Should I Support Depressed Husband

Husband is going to quit his job (took a leave of absence right now) and leave me and his child without health insurance (not to mention financial support). Must I continue to support him? His reason for quitting? He is depressed.

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 ---Shanah on 5/9/05
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robyn, are you for real.
You give the worst advise to date.

The things you say, are not from a women.
I feel you are an angry man posting as a women.

Why should a women live with a man that wants to have his wife be to the only breadwinner so he can sit home and feel sorry for himself.

walk like a man.
Man up or set her free. She can do better.

There are some great men out there.
Let her have a life.
---Shirley_diner on 4/30/10


Yes, you should support him. Depression is a serious matter and he needs help right now. If he had a life-threatening heart condition and his doctor's orders were for him to leave a stressful job, wouldn't you support him? Depressed people do develop suicidal tendencies, and even physical health issues as a result of their stress and depression. I'm sure you don't want either of these, so help him while he is able to ask for it instead of letting his situation progress. Keep praying for him, be kind to him, patient with him, speak the Word to him daily and help him find quality counseling. With your support and our Father's healing, he can recover.
---AlwaysOn on 4/13/09


You must do as God tells you to do, my friend.
---catherine on 4/13/09


I am in exactly the same position my husband is depressed about how things have turned out for him. I have finally persuaded him to get counselling but he's giving up on his business 3 years short of retirement i am expected to be the main breadwinner and i find it very stressful. Should you continue to support?Well i guess you married for better or worse on the other hand the depressed spouse needs to get help for themselves. If they refuse to get treatment i think there would come a point where you would have to walk away. Its just too difficult to deal with and however much you love someone they must move toward their own healing. Seek help from your church network they can be a great support to you
---Heather on 4/12/09


The first question you should ask is: Do you love this man? Does he love you and the family? Love covers a multitude of sins. What kind of track record does he have? Has he been there for you and the family in the past, paying bills and supportive of the family? If he has done these things I feel you should stick with him to see if he gets any better. He needs the support of his family and certainly, you, the wife. Perhaps you could get a job and bring in some money for a change. More::
---Robyn on 7/27/07




More:: Friend, you can get other health insurance if your husband quit his job. You can get yourself a job. Why did you not save some of the money he earned, while he was working. This was your job as a stay at home mom. You need a nest egg for times such as this. Several if you were a really conscientious homemaker. But all said and done. Stick by your spouse and strengthen what remains.
---Robyn on 7/27/07


I would take care of my child and myself first, but I would not give up on my marriage.
---A on 7/26/07


This is a hard question to answer, I think your husband had better get some help, he is not showing he is a good provider not working and keeping health insurance for his family.. I know we must listen to our heart .. this is a problem you need to speak with God with.. but I know what I would do.. I would not support him ..
---dove on 7/25/07


Yes, please do support him. He is not depressed by choice!! Many christinas go through depression and come out the other side by the Grace of God. I was once depressed for years. Thank God my husband stood by me. The stress and strain he is going through in his depression makes him unable to be the person he was when not depressed. Please continue to love him and help him. God says to love one another as He loves us.
---kathy on 6/13/05


Maybe your husband is clinically depressed. Please encourage him to get medical help before he makes such big changes in his life.
---nancy7755 on 6/7/05




I am so interested in your situation and the replies people are writing you as your situation is my own (only my husband has now been arrested twice and I never DREAMED we would ever be in this mess when we married). I pray daily to be better support/encouragement for my husband. It hasn't helped.
---Aimee on 6/3/05


I am almost where you are, except my hubby won't leave. He is irritable to everyone, won't even look for a job and leaves the house a mess. He also complains about doing things for the children. I pray daily that he will leave. Praying for you in your situation and I covet your prayers.
---Annie on 6/3/05


I have been through deppression also and di not have anyone there to support me, i know you have your children to think of. Please keep praying for him it almost cause me my life , God is the only one who was there for me. He needs that support even if he does not want it......God Bless
---lorie4334 on 5/29/05


lorie: It is difficult to go through depression alone (I did several years ago), but my husband HAS CHOSEN to leave us. I did NOT leave him. He will not pray, so us praying together isn't happening. I do pray for him constantly though. That said, I also still have responsibilities that I cannot run away from like he did. My children have needs.
---Shanah on 5/28/05


You became one in marrage , forget the health insurance and try getting on your knees together. He is asking for help he may not know it but he is. Depression is a horrible thing to go through and it is even worse to go through it alone..,,,,God Bless
---lorie4334 on 5/28/05


Shanah: If you can't make him get the help he needs, you need to start living your life without his income, medical insurance and help. Move on. You are telling us what he won't do. What are you going to do to help yourself? You are seem to be a competent, capable woman. You run a business. Let him be with his grandmother and take care of your kids without him.
---Madison on 5/27/05


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I think now that most states require that a person pose a physical danger to himself or others--I mean active violence here--to get someone committed.

There's a fine line between being supportive and being an enabler. Yo umust seek competnet counsel from those you trust who know more about the situation than I do--your pastor, therapist, even support group--to know waht to do. Get the information you need, pray, and trust God to bless your action.
---Jack on 5/27/05


Jack: He won't get the help he needs. He won't get off his grandmother's couch! I have wondered if I could have him committed or something? I know it is a physical disease -- been there myself! But the world doesn't stop and his children's needs do not stop....
---Shanah on 5/25/05


There are some issues that simply do NOT yield to prayer, or even exorcism. I know nothing about your husband or your situation, but believe me when I say that properly diagnosed clinical depression is a PHYSICAL DISEASE. It's not a sin or character defect, but a chemical imbalance. God works through medince, too. (Anti-depressants have realy helped me.) Please for his sake and yours, look into the help he needs. Humble yourself to take the meds, if that's God's provisioin for him.
---Jack on 5/25/05


Shanah,it seems he is a deadbeat dad already.It appears nothing will move him if his own child's pain doesn't. Ask yourself what you want to do about the whole situation. Have you talked to the grandmother to see what she thinks about his condition.She probably is taken in by him,but you need to know whats really going on with him ,so use any method you have to ,to find out.Be sure of what you want and need to do.Continue to seek God's leading for your life.
---Darlene_1 on 5/24/05


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Update: Our daughter is once again ill (ear infections). Her doctor said she needs tubes (surgery). I appealed to my husband tonight as a FATHER, so that maybe his parental pull would get him back into the real world and he would go back to work to keep our health insurance so she could get well. He just said he hopes she feels better soon. That's it.
---Shanah on 5/23/05


Shanah,if you've done all you can to help him-your relationship, and he has refused counsling, plus cut you out of his life, perhaps you need to consider moving on without him.The Bible does say you are not under bondage,if an unbeliever wants to leave,let him.You know if he is using excuses to not work ,and not work on your marriage.God will see you through anything you must do for you and the children,you can't wait forever.God won't go against anyones free will choices,and hubby has choosen,it seems.
---Darlene_1 on 5/23/05


And Shanah, to help you be assertive without being confrontational or aggressive is to use "I" statements. Sit down alone, write out a list of things that you want to say, and write "I FEEL ___(angry, sad, frustrated, hurt), WHEN YOU DO ___". Use the list when you are stating your case and standing your ground, ie being assertive, without the accusations and aggression that leads to negative confrontations. To confront someone is not a bad thing.
---lisa on 5/22/05


madison, you are missing my point, I'm not calling him a bum because of HIS depression or whatever (seems more like wanting out of responsibility and marriage), in my eyes he's a bum for not supporting shanah when SHE was depressed. Please understand my point and not assume I'm downing him IF he is depressed.
---lisa on 5/22/05


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I have suggested marital counseling as well as speaking together with my Pastor. I even made the appt., but my hubby refused to go. Now he is not even calling to check on our child! There was a question I saw about abandonement - is that what has happened to me?
---Shanah on 5/22/05


Shanah,perhaps that is the whole problem,he doesn't see/relate to anyones feelings or needs,but his own.This is immature, a childs way,selfcentered,children are all about"ME",their needs.Have you been to marriage counseling? If you have tried to reach him,and he refuses to cooperate, or hear your views,including feelings,there probably is little you can do without outside intervention.If he doesn't want to work together then there is nothing you can do to change him.God be with you.
---Darlene_1 on 5/22/05


Darlene: I agree with what you said about showing my feelings without the anger. Let me ask, when doing this in the past, my hubby sees it as a competition and when I finish, he will then go into how HE feels without addressing my feelings. How do I keep him focused on anyone but himself?
---Shanah on 5/22/05


Shanah,say what is on your heart.Be calm,speak softly, don't let him see your anger.Don't attack by telling him what he has done.Stay in your feelings,not his failures.Example,if so;I feel lonely,abandoned,I feel you want out of the marriage.I am angry at being left to earn all the living.I don't feel loved,wanted, cared for,write yourself a list of your feelings.What you feel ,need,and want.Anger will eat you alive.Confrontation is hard,but what you are living is harder.Praying for you.
---Darlene_1 on 5/21/05


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Darlene: I feel I need to confront him. My anger grows each day that I am left in limbo like this. But I am not confrontational and I do not know what to say. I don't want to be accusatory, but I do want answers. I am praying unceasingly, but still my anger grows.
---Shanah on 5/21/05


Shanan you may be right.He seems to not know what he wants, is using depression as an excuse to step back,and decide while he continues to keep his foot in the door with small gestures,cake,visitation ,etc..The big question;what do you want and intend to do?Let him dictate an incomplete life, or confront him, and see whats really going on .Seems he isn't trying,but wants it all his way. What will you tolerate?How long do you want be in limbo not knowing what will happen next?Pray God will lead you.
---Darlene_1 on 5/21/05


Yes my hub does get up and bathe, etc. Today was my b-day and he came over and brought me a cake. He seemed that he couldn't get out of here fast enough afterwards. I believe he doesn't want to be married, but I am unsure where that leaves us. He lives with his grandmother now, I guess and only comes to visit his baby daughter for an hour or so every 3 or 4 days.
---Shanah on 5/19/05


i wanted to add that i was also in the same place as your husband. so depressed that i went to work came home stared at the walls the one thing that pulled me out of it was God i wasnt seeking him much for myself i was too depressed i was scaring my friends i lived with i didnt eat didnt sleep. i had friends who joined together and started praying for me after a while i started functioning again i no longer stare at walls i never took depression pills get your friends to bind with u in prayer for him
---andre9789 on 5/19/05


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i am so sorry you are having to go through this with your husband and i know how you feel in a different when i was 10 my mom got severly depressed and was that way for 3 yrs. i had to cook clean take care of the garden and the yard etc. i was 10 had school and homework and i had to take care of her so my situation was different but yet i know how you must feel and i know it is confusing and hurts but hang in there you will get the answer you need if you seek God
---andre9789 on 5/19/05


A man who refuses to seek help for a problem that keeps him idle, is either too depressed to allow to make his own decisions,you may have to have him commited,or doesn't want to be married.Even the Bible says you aren't bound to a nonbeliever if they want to leave you,refers to ending a marriage.There are usually free Mental Health Clinics.Don't support him,and enable him to do nothing.How sick is he?Does he perform daily hygiene tasks,bathe etc.?Not too sick to seek help if he does.
---Darlene_1 on 5/19/05


Lisa: I did not assume anything. Had I assumed, I would not have asked for clarification.

As for him being a bum, I am of the opinion that he is mentally ill and needs professional help. His behavior and actions in this condition are not for us to judge. Without proper medication and therapy, he is not of his right mind.

Shanah needs to take charge of her family and do what is best for them without benefit of his employment.
---Madison on 5/18/05


Andre: I am still lost even with all the wonderful advice. My hub is now living with his grandmother, not moving from her couch and refusing to get help. I have made calls for him, but he won't go to appt's. I do understand depression, but I believe my hub is mostly just lazy and hiding behind the depression. Just my thoughts though.
---Shanah on 5/18/05


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Madison, I don't know how you came to that assumption?? To assume is to make an ass out of you and me. My view is that he is a bum because he wouldn't support her when she was depressed but expects her support now. What say you? I think perhaps you made this assumption because you didn't follow the threat thoroughly enough between Shanah and myself. No worries.
---lisa on 5/18/05


we have all given you the best advice we can we are praying for you and your husband but my question to you is with all the advice we have all given you still seem to be lost what are your plans what is in your heart for yur husband
---andre9789 on 5/18/05


The only help your husband needs is God. He can go to the best doctors and be put on medication, but yet he won't have victory over this until he realizes that he is in this state of mind and let God in control.
---Rebecca_D on 5/16/05


Madison: I have been turned down for medical assistance since hubby is "on leave of absence" from his job by HIS choice. I will not divorce him, but I feel HE has chosen to not obey scriptures in our marital vows. I realize that doesn't give me the right to not obey scripture, but I think he should not live here if he refuses to get help.
---Shanah on 5/14/05


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Lisa: Are you implying that people with a mental illness are bums? I hope not.
---Madison on 5/14/05


Shanah: I suggested solutions, and asked if you tried them. I suggested medical assistance and free clinics to get the medical care you need. Have you tried that option yet, or have you been turned down for medical assistance?

I know you had a period of depression, and got through it. That doesn't mean you should not have compassion on him in his. Mental illness is not a choice. Deciding to obey the scriptures in your marriage is.
---Madison on 5/14/05


Shanah: My sister-in-law suffered just as you have. She left nursing school and got a full time job with medical benefits. You have choices too. You can't change him. Accept that and move to the next option. Either get a job with benefits, or leave him. Nobody can force someone to get over a depression, nor can you make him get a job and keep it.
---Madison on 5/14/05


Oh Shanah, sounds like your husband is a bum. There's not a lot you can do when a man has a bad attitude. It's bad that he didn't support you in your depression and now expects you to support him. It's good that he's gone,but I don't know what to say to you except, cry out for God's mercy at Jesus feet and ask him for a solution. But I think the kids still need to have a relationship with their dad (bum or no bum).
---lisa on 5/14/05


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Madison: I'm not whining & complaining.I'm looking 4 answers!I've been running my own business 4 11 years & now I should QUIT so that my husband can do nothing?And then I should go out & get a much less paying job as long as it has benefits?AND I would have to pay 4 daycare for FOUR children.That would cost more than I could ever make!I realize U don't know my situation well enough, but quitting my job so that I can go outside of the home to work since my husband refuses ... is definitely NOT the answer.
---Shanah on 5/14/05


Shanah: If you value your marriage vows, you may want to consider doing what my sister-in-law did. She was going to nursing school, and had to quit college to get a full time job with benefits so that she and her kids would have medical insurance. And she has a special needs child with mental illness and health issues. She didn't whine and ocmplain and feel sorry for herself while her husband kept quitting jobs and losing medical benefits. She saw the solution in getting a job with benefits.
---Madison on 5/13/05


Lisa: I have gone through a very dark depression. The difference is, I still put my children first and no matter what, I had to take care of them. So -- I worked during the depression (God brought me through it) and I ALWAYS took care of my family first. He did leave and is with his grandmother now (still not working).
---Shanah on 5/13/05


Oh Shanah, so kick him out and go it alone! You still won't be better off. All's I'm saying is imagine if the situation was reveresed and you were depressed and quit working. Would he support you and be understanding? If the answer is yes then stand by your man, if its no, then take my advice.
---lisa on 5/13/05


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Lisa: I DO work and I am now supporting my child with my husband as well as my other 3 children!! Now hubby just lays around not doing anything. My point was not that I didn't want to work!!! My point is -- HE has responsibilities too -- he just doesn't like his job any more, so he quits and leaves us without medical insurance so even HE can't get help. I am self employed so I cannot afford medical insurance on my own.
---Shanah on 5/12/05


Sister, I can see that the answers you want to see are not there so you are angry because others don't see what you are going through. that is right sister, no one does, but you. They answer the best they know how to help you. you assume that your kids will get sick but they haven't yet. Take one problem at a time. You only have control of so much. We all want the best for you sister.
---Lupe2618 on 5/12/05


Depression is real and if affects people differently at times in their lives. I believe you should support him and help him to help himself. Can you work while he watches the kid? Remember you signed up for better or for worse.
---lisa on 5/12/05


Shanah: I REALLY hear your cry for help! Almost every town has a free psychiatric clinic or doctor who will take minimum payment. Call your local hospital and ask. If your husband will not cooperate, then you know the answer about his motivation. If he truly has clinical depression, he will not have the energy to work. If you are married, your marriage vows say to hang in there, help him, and stay in the Word for him AND you!
---Elsie on 5/11/05


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Shanah: You are in a predicament that many face today. There are clinics and there is also medical assistance that can be utilized. See if you qualify for medical assistance by contacting your local welfare office. If not, call the local hospital or county for referral to clinics where he can get a physical or an evaluation. Then, sit down with him and let him know how you feel. Tell him of your concern. Let him know that you are going to set a boundary that he must seek help.
---Madison on 5/11/05


Shanah, you have a serious problem on hand and you have to somehow get him to seek professional help or advice from a Pastor or someone else.

You may need an advice yourself on how to best approach him to talk him into getting help himself.
---Albert on 5/11/05


if he refuses to get help let him know you cant support him that if he loves you and his family he would try i would not support him if he doesnt seek help or anotherjob in the mean time make sure he knows you are serious and if you have to leave him to make him see you are for real then do it
---andre9789 on 5/11/05


Madison and all: I guess my point is, he will NOT get help. Can I force him to do that? & without insurance, seeing a medical doctor would be out of the question due to cost! So many are missing my point. Yes, it seems like I have no compassion, but I do. Where I get lost is -- if he REFUSES to get help and still won't work -- do I just let him live off of me?? Part of me wonders if I am just being used. I became a Christian just a few years ago and he is not one. He would NEVER turn to a pastor for help.
---Shanah on 5/11/05


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Your husband probably thinks he has no options right now. He needs your support. This is very hard when you see things going badly for you and your family. He must be evaluated by a psychiatrist and receive medication. When he has more energy, he will be able to return to work. He also needs Christian therapy from a qualified therapist. Psychiatrists usually don't do the therapy but are experts with the psych meds. Pray alot.
---Elsie on 5/11/05


Shanah, I did not suggest you support him financially but to seek professional help. If he's sick, he's sick and he won't change on his own without external help.
---Albert on 5/11/05


Hi Shanah,do you know what the truth is?because "I'm depressed "don't seem to fit.If that is the only reason he gave you,he possibly needs to find a Godly person he can talk to and tell them the whole story.Everyone will go through depression at some point in their life,but when it go's on too long it is destructive to one's health.There may be a chemical imbalance in him,maybe he could see a medical doctor first?if you love him,support him.
---RUSSELL on 5/10/05


Be supportive. I know that it is hard when you don't understand.. so read up on the issue, there are pamphlets and books on dealing with depression. Studying has always helped me when I meet someone with something new I don't understand. I will be praying for you, and I bet others will be too. Keep us posted sweetie> ;) Here is my name if you want to email me for more support..Julie3763
---Julie on 5/10/05


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If you don't go to church, find one. If you are in a church and they have small groups, join one, you are going to need the support. Hold fast to Jesus, that is why we go through such hard times, to draw us closer to Him. Encourage your husband to seek professional help. There may be a community mental health center that bases the fees on income. still more to come...
---Julie on 5/10/05


I know that some people are more high functiuoning when they are suffering from depression and other illnesses. I have been one of them myself. You sound a lot like me. You can't let yourself quit and it is hard to understand when someone else seems to decide it is okay to lay down in their tracks. I do think that the marriage vows say in sickness...and here it is. to be continued..
---Julie on 5/10/05


Has he been evaluated by a medical doctor? Has the doctor recommended a psychiatrist and/or medication and therapy? Have you sought therapy for yourself, as you are obviously stressed out by this situation, rightfully so, and need emotional support? Have you gone to NAMI's website to learn about mental illness?

I don't think you have exhausted all of the resources available.
---Madison on 5/10/05


Shanah: I am sorry you seem to have no compassion on your husband at this time. It sounds as if you are looking for us to support you in your effort to condemn your spouse.
---Madison on 5/10/05


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I realize he didn't "choose" to be depressed. I have been there myself, but I still managed to work and raise my children (as do many of those with diabetes or cancer!!!). I also believe he just doesn't like his job and wants an excuse to quit. And how long do I stand by him "in sickness" if he refuses to get help?
---Shanah on 5/10/05


Shanah: I understand your fears and upset. I also have worked with many clients who qualify for SSI or SSD, and Medical Assistance because of their mental illness.

You are acting as if he chose to be depressed. That is not the case. Depression is an illness, just as cancer and diabetes are. Did your vows say in sickness and in health? I know mine did.
---Madison on 5/10/05


May the Lord encourage and strengthen your heart today dear sister. Depression should be considered like any other sickness. Such as cancer or diabetes. Some mental illnesses can be debilitating as well. Your husband may be experiencing an acute case of depression. I battle with it myself. It is not an easy thing to overcome. Please be patient and pray fervently. God will see you and your husband through this together.
---michael_in_michigan on 5/10/05


part 2.
he is gonna have to try and help himself as well you cant help someone who is not willing to help themselves let him know you are here for him and call on the father for him god hears our prayers also be praying for strength and courage for yourself and have the church to put him on the prayer list let him know you care and that you wont support him if he doesnt try and help himself
---andre9789 on 5/10/05


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you need to sit down and talk with your husband tell him you concerns about the insurance his health as well as the stress he is causing you depression is real and if he gets to wrapped up in he can become suicidal i know i did but i never tried anything because jsut as i was getting ready God sent someone whom could help me and she stuck with me and still with me today as a friend,a confidant,a prayer warrior,a metnor and a shoulder to cry on when i need it
---andre9789 on 5/10/05


Madison: I am self employed so for me to purchase health insurance would be more money than I have. My husband has left us without a thought or care to our daughter. He just walks away from life because he didn't like his job (that is what brought on this depression). He won't be able to get the mental help he needs if he doesn't keep his health insurance. So where does that leave us?
---Shanah on 5/10/05


Pierr & Albert: OK. So I should financially support a man who refuses to work because he is depressed? I should support his decision to put all of this stress on me and his child? What if our daughter gets terribly ill? Who will pay for that? Just seems that if I become the sole supporter -- he will never go back to work as he won't "have to". Unconditional love means I take on two roles in the household so he can do nothing?
---Shanah on 5/10/05


My sister-in-law faced this same dilemma with my brother's bipolar disorder. He kept quitting jobs while he was at his worst. She went to work full time and got medical benefits and supported the family while he got help. Now, they are both working full time and putting their daughter through college.

Get your husband to the doctor for a medical evaluation and a referral to a psychiatrist for medication and therapy.
---Madison on 5/10/05


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You gave a superficial description of the problem and it's foolish for anyone to advise you anything else but to make sure he seeks professional help.
---Albert on 5/10/05


Shanah:
Do the worda:"in good times and bad times" or "for better and for worse" or "in sckness and in health" ring a bell? I hope so! and what does it spell = unconditonal LOVE!
Best wishes for these tough days.
---Pierr7958 on 5/10/05


Linda: He cannot get the help he needs without a job and without health insurance! He has walked away from me and his daughter (living with grandparent). I have been depressed before, but I have responsibilities. I didn't just walk away from my life and expect others to take care of it all! I want him to get help. I have begged him to get help! But after he took his leave of absence - he did NOTHING today to even begin to get help. What more can I do?
---Shanah on 5/9/05


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