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How To Forgive My Husbands Affair

I was married for 25 years and my husband left me for another woman. He recently married her after finally divorcing me and living with her for over 2 years. How can I forgive someone who still says he has done nothing wrong and says it is all my fault that he left me to have an affair.

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 ---marga6674 on 5/20/05
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Marga: 'says it is all my fault'

I know it is painful to ask, but has your ex husband ever explain WHY it is your fault

Humans are well able to blame others for no reason at all, but very occasioanlly there may even my a [very minor, I'm sure] error in your actions

Did he ever exaplain
---Mark on 4/6/11

The only reason he says it is your fault is that he is unwilling to accept any responsibility for his own actions. My husband left me after 22 years of marriage for another woman and also tried to say that I was partly responsible. It has taken 6 years but I have forgiven him. He has "apologized" but only because it was on his counselors list of things he needed to do. You forgive so that you will be able to move on. It in no way takes away their consequences or condones what they have done. You forgive so that you will not become bitter. Allow God to work in your life so that you will become more dependent on Him (God) and grow from the experience. It may take time but it will happen.
---Janet on 4/2/11

First, totally accept that this has happened. Don't deal with "what ifs" and "I wish we could haves". Do not look back and wonder about any of it. It's over and the best way to forgive is to begin with acceptance.

In tandem with acceptance, release your ex from all blame. Yes, we know he's guilty, but you dwelling on it is not a part of acceptance or forgiveness. Any issues of blame are in the Father's hands.

With acceptance and relinquishing the need to blame, you are freed from psychological turmoil. When he seeks to blame you, realize that this is HIS issue and HIS alone! The situation no longer involves you, as you bear no grudges and are moving forward according to the Father's will from this moment on.
---AlwaysOn on 1/20/11

Forgiveness is not tolerance! Most christians seem to confuse this. To take him back is to condone & encourage his adultery. This action was actually forbidden in the OT: Deu 24:4 Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled, for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.
---Hope on 1/20/11

dear lady, your ex has put you on a guilt trip. That way, he doesn't have to think he did anything wrong. I have seen that happen before. I would move on and forget him. He isn't worth your worry.
---shira3877 on 1/19/11

6 years....

Shes prolly well over it by now.
---CraigA on 1/19/11

He's putting all of the blame on you to keep from owning up to what he did. He is guilty and will have to deal with this in the sight of God. He is trying to use you for a scapegoat to make his dirty deeds look right. In order to move on with your life, you will have to forgive him. Forgiveness helps you, not him! Please understand this.He will have to pay,one day, for the evil he has done. I am sorry you had to go through this.Very sad.GBU
---Robyn on 1/19/11

---John on 12/27/10

You know what. Dont forgive him. forget him. That is a long time to be married but he didnt respect you or your marriage and what is the point in trying to find forgiveness. Do you need it for yourself. Be strong. live life. Be happy or at least try and find happiness!!
---MMM on 12/27/10

Remember, it is never one person's fault. Although when God saves you you belong to Him, now He is most concern about you. But, remembering that we are only saved by God's grace [favor], it helps to keep things in perspective.....This person is trying to make you feel guilty. Don't. Fight. Move on. Have a happy life.
---catherine on 6/15/10

Hi.Jesus told us to forgive "as we have been forgiven" Are we forgiven of our sins while we continue in the? Are we forgiven by the Lord of our sins if we are arrogant and proud...heartless and unrepentent? You get my point? I believe our adulterous unrepentent spouses are denied forgiveness by God until they humbly repent.That is how we are called to forgive...The reason you are no doubt having a hard time because your husband continues in sin.We need to stop telling people that God calls us to do what He doesn't. Thanks.Karen
---Karen on 6/14/10

Marga,I know how hard your pain is. Rejection is very hard. I believe its more painful when you have given all to the marriage which now seems for nothing. But let me say you are only responseble for your actions and your morals with God. He has another life and his own penalties to pay. What might seem great for him now, will not always be that way. You need to take your focus off on what he is doing and what he says. Separate youself from wondering what it would have been and why it wasn't. I believe we sometimes make the other person so big and nothing seems to matter but them. That is our fault for putting to much faith in a human being. We all fail. Every single one of us. Only Christ is Truthful, lean on Him and you will never go wrong.
---MarkV. on 5/8/09

Sister am only 26 and divorce it seems like the enemy is getting all in the same way when it comes to relationships.Forgiveness start personal and after its done with yourself the light of reallity shine. and than you will see everything positive.Even if your ex hurt you so bad you will start feelling sorry for him cos he dont no the tast of forgiveness. Its not the number of years being together But the time one invest.When it comes to God is goes like this one day with God is better than 1000 days in a painfull relationship
---Clodine on 5/7/09

Guilt often shows as denial of any fault. Just keep on asking the Holy Spirit to help you forgive your ex husband and his new wife ., I have been where you are- but have found new peace by continually as the pain recurrs taking my pain to the foot of the cross.Let the Lord deal with your husband and in time he will see the error of his ways- don;t waste energy on becoming bitter, the only person it will hurt is yourself and prevent you becoming the new woman God wants you to be .
---lynda on 7/18/07

my husband had an affair, I have forgiven him, we are still together and trying to work things out.
---mary on 7/12/05

I was married for 15 years. I forgave him after he cheated. He said he wanted to get back together. then went back to her. he calls 2x a year to say he wants to come home. I forgave him . does this mean I have to take him back? no one else whats to date me. I get lonly. but have been burned, I don't think I can trust him. but God doesn't send me someone new.
---Laureen on 5/28/05

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Prison term 25 years, x cheated on me 25th anniversary morning, followed him to the next door neighbors house. You cannot make a person have an affair, the desire was already there.
---anon on 5/24/05

I was married for 33 years before my wife left & divorced me...

I've since forgiven her & have been delivered from the numbing pain of rejection.

Give it to the Lord & be set free! (Matt. 18:21-35)
---Leon on 5/22/05

If the husband was unfaithful give him, his new wife and the whole situation to God. My husband filed for a divorce after over 40 years to marry another woman. I am very greatful I don't have to put up with a lot of his behaviors and have moved on in life. No it has not been easy but with the Lord you can forgive and can also move on to a life without him. Life is too short to harber bitterness.
---June on 5/21/05

Forgiveness - hmmmmm. True forgiveness is very healing for the forgiver. The peace that is inside the forgiver is wonderful. The radiant calmness and forgetfulness is a victory enjoyed by the forgiver. I am not suggesting a new Buddy - buddy wonderful club or even that you have to continue to contact him. Forgive, rid yourself bitterness and find new harmony with God. It takes time and energy to hold a grudge. This time and energy could be used to serve God in new and rewarding ways. Distance helps.
---barbara67 on 5/21/05

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Dear Sister in Christ,
Think of this situation,someone steals your coat and throws you in a mud puddle,your choices:answer I will never forgive you for this and wollow in the mud OR say Lord you know about this,you're my Lord help me.Remember GOD IS IN CONTROL,your ex-husband blames you to ease his own mind of guilt,however God will not be mocked,what ever a man sows he will reap.God bless you.
---RUSSELL on 5/21/05

Forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook. It is about staying in right relationship with God. First, know who you are in Christ, believe what God says about you not what the ex or the enemy says. Second, know your enemy. It is his purpose to kill, steal, and destroy. Get into the Word and let it get into you. Finally, tell your testimony of how God has brought you through. We overcome through the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony!
---Monique on 5/21/05

As long as we keep blaming anyone or anything, we will never be truly free and emotially healthy. We must continually chose, twenty four hours a day, to keep our minds set on the higher things. "Whatever things are true,... noble,... just,... pure,... lovely,... of good report, if there is virtue and... praiseworthy - meditate on these things." (Colossians 3:2, Philippians 4:8). It works. I was betrayed but I have forgiven and do not hold any unforgiveness. I'm healed.
---Irena on 5/21/05

True forgiveness is the outflow of redeeming love from the heart of God. We must watch that we do not fall into the old covenant way of forgiveness--I will (try to) forgive. Open your heart to His forgiveness. Consider what He has done, is doing, and will do for you. Then ask Him to reveal that forgivenss through you toward your ex. He will need God's grace or his new union will also fail. Blaming another for one's choice is a bad sign. His grace is sufficient for you and will see you through.
---Wayne on 5/21/05

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I can relate to your hurt. I was married 23 yrs and my now x did the same and left taking the kids too. It almost killed me. I had to make a choice. The choice was to lay this matter at the foot of the cross and choose to be better instead of bitter. Bitterness, will cause you more pain and grow old fast even affect your health.
God is faithful and it will take some work on your part but you can find the peace you seek. Choose to be happy and get out and experience new things, You can do it!!!!
---Randy_G on 5/21/05

the damage has already been done. you too have to take responsibility for this breakup.your husband must have been going through some deep hurt and thats why he decided to take the plunge. dont give up, these relationships generally dont last. go to the lord in all earnestness and ask him to set the wrong right. in the meantime do not talk anything negative about him lest he hears of it. your silence and goodness will certainly change him.
---olive on 5/21/05

In order to begin the process of forgiveness, you need to realize that your husband's affair has nothing to do with you and that you did nothing to push him. What he did was of his own choice and he will have to answer to God. You need to work on yourself and deepen your relationship with the Lord. He is your Husband now. As you continue to love the Lord, He will show you through His love that you can forgive your ex.Just be honest and give it to the Lord.
---monica on 5/21/05

Dear Marga: God slowly taught me that I was to focus on me and my dealings with people instead of focusing on the sins of my ex. We are never held responsible for how others think. God has graciously healed my hurtiing heart and showed me His way of forgiveness. Just ask Him to show you the way and don't be discouraged!
---Elsie on 5/21/05

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Certain pains are healed by time. Try not to think about it - pray God to help you and time will slowly slowly heal the wounds.
---Albert on 5/21/05

Did God forgive you? Where you unfaithful to God? Did you go after 'other gods', doing your own thing, your own way before He found you? My DEAR, FORGIVE YOUR HUSBAND and try to forget...too.MATT. 18: 23-35; PHILIP. 4: 13.
---josep9695 on 5/20/05

This is going to take time but the Lord will help you heal iin time.
---Pierr7958 on 5/20/05

Sometimes God opens doors and shuts others.He let you see that this man was not the man for you.Instead of letting you live a horrible marraige.He has a different plan for you.Something or someone that will make your life so much nicer and bless it also.Don't be bitter toward him,because he might not make it to heaven.And Jesus will take care of him.
---berna3389 on 5/20/05

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You must forgive him the same way I forgave my X husband for molesting my 2 daughters when they were younger! WHY? Because God's word tell you as a command that we must forgive a sin, lest we will not be forgiven and we are all sinners. Now, I was married for 23 years when this happened to me and my children and if I can do so can you...Maryann
---Maryann on 5/20/05

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