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Youth Pastor Dating A 15 Year Old

Say that you knew that a 27 year old youth pastor was dating a 15 year old girl in the church. The youth pastor is the son of the minister and the pastor and the parents of the girl know about it. Should I go to the deacons, instead of the pastor or should I leave the situation alone?

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 ---Kim on 5/30/05
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A ten year old answer here states that this is illegal. Since when was 'dating' illegal, especially if the parents know? Does 'dating' mean something different in U.S. from it's U.K. meaning?

However as this girl is now 25 and the youth pastor 37 any more speculation is rather pointless. It's either over or they are a well established family by now.
---Rita_H on 3/23/15

invite the Elders or Deacons to look into the matter.The bible forbids it
---Apostle on 3/22/15

answerto the bloga youth pastor is dating a fifteenyear old firstly it iswrongin that a youth pastor is called ofthe lord tobe the person god wants him to be and so much damage has beendone to that 15 year old and her family her life is ruined shewill never be the same again it may even cause herto never go to anothe church ortrust god ever again to the pastor iwarn you god willreqire an answer fom you leave thethe youth work and call off you r relationship with 6his young girl
---greg on 9/10/09

If fornication is involved, it is child abuse due to the age difference. ---Glenn on 9/5/09
Yes, but it would be child abuse if the difference was 18 and 15, or 17 and 14.

I agree with the abuse of authority comments though.

When I was a singles group leader, people on the leadership team were not permitted to date people in the group - even their own age - but it was of course an unwritten rule. This was people between 18 and 30. It was a huge sacrifice for some, but they willing made it to serve others.
---obewan on 9/8/09

If fornication is involved, it is child abuse due to the age difference. Even without physical relations, it is an abuse of authority. The people that know about this situation, are responsible to report it. A pastor is specifically required to tell the authorities. If your allegations are true, the Elders in this church should be rebuked.
Romans 16:17-18, 1Corinthians 2:15, 5:1-13 (3), 6:4, 11:31 instruct us to judge, 1Timothy 3:1-15, 5:19-22 (two plus reputable witnesses), Titus 1:6-9, 1Peter 5:2. Matthew 18:15-20 concerns offenses committed against you personally, and allows the matter to be dealt with in private if they repent, but 1Timothy 5 does not. Matthew 7:1-5 / Luke 6:41-42 deal with hypocrisy, and unjust judgment.
---Glenn on 9/5/09

However, if they are letting her date, I would be willing to concede that a Godly 27 year old might be less dangerous to her than an ungodly 15 year old.

...many priests were "godly" ABUSING MANY children ...guise of RELIGION and "godliness" wasn't just an rcc thing

assumption that 15 year old boys are "ungodly" is no more accurate than claiming 15yo girls are too a mother with a son who is respectful and friends who are too

again regardless of label result is compromised childhood and another adult to babysit her ...also an EASIER target for 27yo "godly" man life experience of an adult EASILY influences immature children with flattery sending them into fantasy land
---Rhonda on 9/5/09

labels for age brackets are used by LAZY parents to alleviate themselves of -----RESPONSIBILITY however NOT by the LAW.
I was referring to how a medical professional or scientist would class her. If she has entered puberty, she is in fact a young woman, albeit with the emphasis on YOUNG.

I agree the parents need to be responsible and that the teen cannot make adult decisions.

However, if they are letting her date, I would be willing to concede that a Godly 27 year old might be less dangerous to her than an ungodly 15 year old.

So, maybe those against the relationship on this thread are really saying she is/was too young to date at all. My parents did want me to date until I turned 18.
---obewan on 9/5/09

If she were 12 or younger she would be classed a child. At 15 she would be classed an adolescent or YOUNG WOMAN.

labels for age brackets are used by LAZY parents to alleviate themselves of RESPONSIBILITY however NOT by the LAW.

CHILD is anyone under the age of majority or making decisions for yourself (aka adult)

legal age of majority (most states are 18, a few 19 and 21) ONE becomes an adult who makes decisions for themself

by LAW there are no in-between cutesy labels for each year like tweens etc

I am a parent and I see many parents making this same excuse ...many states have laws protecting children from these types of parents ...under endangering the welfare of a child
---Rhonda on 9/4/09

rajib_das -- No this is not usual in America.
A "youth pastor" though often rather young himself, is usually not allowed to to date or spend much time alone with, the young girls he pastors.
---Donna66 on 9/4/09

correction to my post:

Horatio Spafford who wrote "It is Well With my Soul" was 29 when he met his wife who was 14. He waited 3 years for her to finish school before he married her. Their children died in the ship sinking, but she actually lived. The song he wrote was about the grief from his loss. (I should have Googled before I posted.)

I suppose things were different 100 years ago or so since there are several today on this thread who would lynch him or thown him in prison for what he did. But, I will never doubt that he was a Godly man with strong morals or that he had a wonderful Christian marriage.
---obewan on 9/4/09

If she were 12 or younger she would be classed a child. At 15 she would be classed an adolescent or YOUNG WOMAN.

Dating is dating, and if she were dating a 15 year old that disrespected her that might be worse than dating a godly 27 year old. We know nothing of their individual maturities. The real problem is the conflict of interest.

The man that wrote the famous hymn "It is Well With My Soul" was a 30-year-old Sunday school teacher when he married one of his 15-year-old students. The story of their love and her death in an ocean liner sinking lives on in Christian fame.

My own father was 29 when he eloped with my mother who was 19. They became friends when she was only 15 and they were married for 57 years.
---obewan on 9/4/09

That girl is now 19 or 20. I wonder what has become of her.
---alan8566_of_uk on 9/3/09

How sad parents of this 15 year old CHILD do not care about the consequences of their inability to parent allowing a CHILD to MIXUP priorities ...instead of focusing on her studies and school activities developing relationships within her school community this CHILD spends time (most likely) unsupervised time with a MALE adult - ROBBED of remaining years of her CHILDHOOD

instead of seeking out new activities and interests her parents gave her a SOLE interest of an ADULT MALE ...I've seen the heartache this causes with my daughter and neices friends

the social ineptness of this 27 year old man who is unable to form relationships with women his own age (and most likely men too) he seeks out CHILDREN instead
---Rhonda on 9/3/09

Where do some of you people get your information for your WILD proclamations? I mean, you have called this man a pedophile, a felon, and a rapist so far. Nowhere has it been said that these two people have a physical relationship. There is no law against them spending time together. It is a good thing you are not able to form a lynch mob.

I will agree their relationship is not a good idea in OUR "culture", but I would also suggest in times past it was not such a "repulsive" thing. I mean, Mary, the mother of our Lord was married to a 30 something man while a teenager. She was even made pregnant with the Holy Spirit at that age. And, I have known similar couples that waited for the girl to turn 18 and then married.
---obewan on 9/3/09

In our country (India) 15 is not marriageable age for girls. As we see it she should concentrate in studies for school final. It is good if pastors future wife is at least school pass.

But then such behavior is not normally expected of a pastor.

Do not blame me if some other youth of the congregation scolds him for doing so.

But I do not know what is done in America. Is this allowed in America, if parents are aware?

What are all the things allowed in America for young pastors ?
---rajib_das on 9/3/09

Ok this is ridiculous! I was 16 when I started to date my then 27 year old boyfriend. We both love God. I made it clear from the begining that i made a promise to God that I was waiting until marriage and that made him love me even more. We have been together almost three years now and he has not once crossed any lines with me and has always respected me. When two people are brought together by God it is between the couple and God. And if her parents know and agree to the situation then it really is none of your business.
---Catie on 7/14/09

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Dear Sister, if the parents are totally aware of the situation and agree with it and the Pastor also acknowledges this circumstance then you can only pray for the situation and leave it all in hands of He who watches over us, and trust that the Lord do His perfect will.
---Patricia on 5/14/08

You should resign as a leader of the church. This is not how youth pastors should act. First - it is rape under laws of the land. Second - she is to be considered your STUDENT and NOT your love interest. Shame on you!
---Leslie on 1/7/07

The bible tells us that we need to confront the wrong first, and if they continue to do wrong, to go to the people above them, the deacons for example. So the first thing you do is go to the youth pastor, and confront him about it. If he continues it, go to the deacons, and let them handle it. If nothing happens, then i suggest you leave the church, because there is seriously something wrong then.
---Matthew on 9/5/06

It SEEMS wrong to me. Both from a christian's perspective and a secular perspective.
---Yuli on 7/26/06

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Pray on it and tell the right people .Pray for guidance
---tonya3849 on 7/26/06

I see two big issues. One, this girl is still under the age of consent and he's committing a felony(and God speaks of following man's law as we follow His in the Bible); two a youth pastor is supposed to be above this kind of behavior and the church definitely needs to do something about it. To leave him in his position damages the fait of new believers as well as those who are almost to the point of becoming believers because they're allowing a hypocrite to teach God's Word.
---Heather on 6/9/05

I myself have been through this. I am the pastors son and a musician in the church and 24 and Idated a 16 y/o...Nothing went on between us and her parents love me to death to this day. Yeah a few people had some issues with the age difference but they didnt let it bother them. Although the relationship didnt last real long though.
---Jon on 6/8/05

it's always easy to say something is so black and white without knowing all the details, you said something very important here, that the parents know about it, wether Ministers, Christians, or just good people our opinions do not overstep that of the parent most states will let this go if the parents agree, so if the parents really do know about it, let it be
---Frankie on 6/6/05

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If what you say is true, the youth pastor could be a pedifile. Normal grown men don't date children. Or, your youth pastor could be very immature. In that case, he may need to consider another profession. Either way, it is totally improper. I'm shocked the minister and the girl's parents don't have a problem with this.
---Normaj on 6/2/05

I suggest you meet with the youth pastor to find out if what you say is true. Express your concerns about the legality issue as well as the ethical issue of a youth pastor dating one of the youth of the church. Then go to the deacons. It is unethical for a youth pastor to date a member of the youth group. Totally. Not to mention ILLEGAL!!!!!
---Madison on 6/1/05

For sure I'd talk to somebody if I was SURE about this man was 'dating' a 15 yr. old. this is illegal.
---sue on 6/1/05

hmmm If all you say is true, I would have to question the intent of this relationship. I truly believe a 27 year old is way ahead in the game of life compared to the 15 year old girl. The young man's morals are way out of whack! Next time you talk with the preacher, ask him a question that will put his son and the girl together, you may be surprised and find this is purely mentorship..Let's hope so..
---Donna on 5/31/05

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It is all on how you phrase the question -

"Why are the pastor and a 15 year old together so often?

youth group leader and prayer
brother guardian for sister
and several scandal reasons beyond dating

If they....
..are dating you need to report.
..aren't dating you have made a false report

If you...
..leave the situation alone, you fail in Christian responsibility you are nosy and a butt-in.
---barbara67 on 5/31/05

If you are 100% sure the youth pastor is dating one of his youth then the deacons should be informed immediately.....but i would be absolutely certain before i made any accusations.....things aren`t always as they appear!!Once an accusation is made it will linger around this man forever...tread VERY carefully!!!
---co_ach on 5/31/05

If the parents know and are ok with it, then leave it alone.
---a_friend on 5/31/05

Kim, are you the girl's parent?

Do you have ANY responsibility for her support or welfare including moral welfare in any way?

If not, MYOB, dearie!
---Jack on 5/31/05

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This teenager is a minor. It is beyond my comprehension how the parents and pastor are colluding re this matter. What do you mean by "dating"? Most churches will not allow workers to EVER be alone with these kids. Why do you think that many check worker references and take fingerprints? This is serious business. If the deacons won't help, then you will have to take it to a higher authority in your denomination. Be SURE you know the facts are true and what the law is in your State!
---Elsie on 5/30/05

Go to the deacons. This is against the law in most states. The youth director needs to be confronted about his indiscriminate behavior.
---C. on 5/30/05

the wisest thing for you to do is just pray for your youth pastor without making much ado about nothing. go to him in private and talk to him about it if his dating is causing such an embrassment to the church. he is mature and spiritual too and i'm sure he knows what he is doing. god has blessed everyone with wisdom allow people especially pastors to lead their own lives. if they are doing wrong pray for them if not allow the lord to rebuke them in his own time.
---olive on 5/30/05

How do you know the pastor and the girl are dating?
---Veronica on 5/30/05

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Dear Kim, I would have to say that I would go to the deacon if this choice were placed in my hands. This 15 yr old is a child, and the 27 yr old youth pastor, is over stepping his boundaries. The girl is of immpressionable age, and tender of heart, her parents would do well by her to keep this from happening as she is to young to make her own choices about such matters. Pray for guidance and then do what you're lead to, my prayers are with you.
---cindy on 5/30/05

You asked this same question on May 16, Kim. Did you not get the advice you were looking for?
---Ann5758 on 5/30/05

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