My Husband Is Narcissistic
Anybody out there have experience in dealing with a narcissistic spouse. Now that the kids are getting older, I don't know how much more I can take. I don't even have the desire to keep it together anymore. I just want out. Anyone who's been through it, what did you do?
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---Deah on 6/11/05
Helpful Blog Vote (72)
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I left mine after 9 kids and 20 years. He coerced me to sign a divorce decree that left me and the kids destitute. you MUST plan ahead very carefully and get LOTS of counsel-be WISE as a serpent (them) but GENTLE as a dove (so you don't get caught).
Soni |
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---Sonja on 5/3/08 |
yes, i do also have a narcissistic husband.
my mother and sister are also of the same persuation.
it saddens me greatly that my husband is this way. he is the most important thing to himself and even at his work, he does things that bring attention to himself.
keeping ours eyes on Jesus is the only thing that will help. and accept the things we cannot change and figure out, why are we with this kind of person. |
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---helen on 4/23/08 |
Yes, I have been married to one for 30 years. We have been separated for 5 of those 30. Now, my son is going through the same thing with his wife of almost two years. She left him, but before she left, the therapist they saw told her she was narcissistic. Her relationship to her father was very sad. I pray that God would show us His great mercy. |
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---Spinigin on 4/1/08 |
It took me a long time to realize wasn't crazy. Then my husband entered a private care psychiatric facility..... and left with a fellow patient. So to answer your question.. I did everything i could and it doesn't help. |
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---belle on 3/29/08 |
I am at the same point. |
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---Rose on 3/5/08 |
TCM your husband's behaviour (though unpleasant) isn't uncommon and has a cause-he gets mad for no reason, blows up over nothing, ignores you, finds fault in everything etc.
He's angry with you and this behaviour is only a symptom of that. What might he be angry about TCM?
You dont know me, nor I you so let me ask a direct question: considering your marriage what has your intimacy/love life been like? Would he have reason to feel deeply cheated in that department? |
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---Warwick on 2/13/08 |
I am also married to a narcissist. He is such a MEAN person. It is horrible living with him. He gets mad for NO reason at all and blows up over little things (a spot of kool aid on the counter). He will go around ignoring me totally (like I'm not there) for days at a time. Then when he feels like he wants to talk, he just starts talking like nothing happened and it is never supposed to be brought up. He finds fault in everything about me. Need someone to talk to!! |
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---TCM on 2/13/08 |
The Word of God says, GOD does not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of Power, Love and a Sound Mind.
If you have a spirit of fear, it's the Power of God, the Holy Spirit that removes that fear and gives us a sound mind.
You can be sound in mind and in spirit, Jesus Christ does not give promises and leave you to live a life contrary to His Word, a life of continual fear and anxiety. |
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---Cindy on 2/12/08 |
Fear and anxiety? Jesus Christ can deliver you by the Power of the Holy Spirit.
If you deny the Power of the Holy Spirit, it's possible to remain anxious, fearful, narcissistic, and not receive the Victory that God has for you. |
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---Cindy on 2/12/08 |
You can start by not labeling people. If he has problems who doesn't. No one is 100% in the mind. Not you and certainly not me. I realize, however, how difficult your life must be. If God wants you there, He will help you put up with it. |
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---catherine on 2/12/08 |
I am married to a narciccist and am currently seeking a divorce. I have a 13 and 16 year old. I would love to talk to you. This is so hard!! |
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---Scarlett on 2/12/08 |
Where do I begin? First, A- Always Check yourself 1st! B-BE SURE that you are giving your 2/3rds first. C-COALS OF FIRE on their heads. (Figuratively lay down in front of their treads) I did and even cried quietly, while doing it. D-Die to self (1st Cor 12:1) E- Enjoy God's rewards for honoring our spouse. ( Prov 25-all) God does allow stubborn people to divorce, but HATES DIVORCE also. |
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---Tim on 2/12/08 |
I have put up with more than I ever said I would. My husband of 4 years has finally done it. He tells me lies about things I could care less about. He has known we have been having problems for the last 3 years, but denies any responsibility. He travels for work and spends 5 days a week with single female consultants, even though I have asked him not to. He thinks I'm overreacting. |
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---Taymm on 2/11/08 |
Met with our marital therapist alone. Husband couldnt make it. He said once a woman loses all trust...and I have...marriage is usually over. Dont think I will ever be able to trust him again, so cant give myself to him wholly as a wife should. Dont think I can ever love him the way God wants a wife to love and respect her husband. So sad for both of us. |
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---Di on 1/17/08 |
Married 6 1/2 years, the last 6 mos. I've started to think my husband is or has narcissict behaviors. Was emotionally/physically disconnected from me for 4 yrs 4 mos-NO SEX! Married 1 1/2 yrs when that started. I went to work with him for 1 1/2 yrs during then-horrible, I walked out! Currently in counselling, he gets mad & upset before a session. I/we don't bring up "everything", that would mean really telling like it is. Please, I need advice/help, would really like to chat with someone. |
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---Amy on 1/14/08 |
Trying to figure out why even though I know things will never be different, why I so badly want to believe him when he says now he is ready to be 100% committed and accountable. Why do I keep falling for the hook, what keeps me from letting go?? Yes, the kids but know relationship isn't good for them either. So confused all the time. |
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---Di on 1/12/08 |
Just as Jesus said that fornication can be committed in the heart, the narcissist commits spiritual adultery along with the many other abuses resulting with their inability to experience life beyond themselves. The only answer is to get away from it all and learn to stay from them. Also please discover why you were attracted to a narcissist in the first place.:) |
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---jody on 1/10/08 |
Husband of 11 years left 2 wks after 10th anniversary. God answering prayers for clarity. Discovering, at best, husband has narc. tendencies. Feel overwhelmed but comforting to know Im not alone in what Ive experienced. Unsure how to proceed but seeking God's plan for me/two young children. Hes been saying he wants make it work for last few months but still dishonest and done nothing to show accountability. Feel hopeless but no courage/confidence to finally say "can't try anymore". |
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---Di on 1/10/08 |
Stop lying. Short, sweet and to the point.
Stop lying to yourself and others.
After all of these years, reading your blogs, it is so easy for me to see you. I wish that it was not. Your problems have motivated others to move on to other venues, so you're one of the few left on here. |
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---Mike on 1/10/08 |
I am separated from my NPD husband right now. He is now acting like he would do anything to get me back (as long as it is done his way) and the pressure I'm getting from the church is killing me. I don't want to go back, but what can I do? |
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---Ka on 1/9/08 |
Yes! I believe my husband of 8+ years is a narcissist. I feel EXACTLY the way you do! My husband keeps threatening to divorce (he's been doing this on and off for a few years), usually in response to not getting his way over a period of time. I told him that he has until March 7th (2008) to file for divorce. He is not to mention/insinuate/etc. the topic again. I am really starting to hope he does file. |
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---Camille on 1/7/08 |
OH my where have you guys been I honestly thought I was the only women to ever go through this. NOW I am scared to death to raise my son and he turn out like this. I walk such a fine line...HELP |
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---marihelyn on 1/1/08 |
I know what you are talking about. I took my troubles to our local pastor but my spouse refused to join me for counselling sessions. he claimed he could not stand authority. I tried a clinical social worker. he went there once and tried to manipulate the guy and when it could not work, he refused to go for therapy too. So after twelve years I simply got burnt out and did not want it to get to the children, so I filed for divorce.I am divorced now and happier... |
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---Desdemona on 12/30/07 |
I know what it is like to live with a narcissistic spouse because he is very controlling, as well as tries to isolate me from my family and friends. I have been in this marriage for 12 years. There has been a lot of emotional abuse as well as physical past abuse. Personally, I have seen owners treat their animals better than what I suffer through. I want out, but I do not believe in divorce, I pray to the Lord about this frequently. If anyone wants to talk, write me at cynth9664. God Bless! |
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---Cynthia on 12/12/07 |
It sounds as though I'm in the same boat but all my kids are still young. I already want out but I don't know how. I could use some guidance or even someone to talk to that really knows how hard this is. |
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---Julie on 12/12/07 |
Friends, I have substantial experience with narcissism. See my blog, which I have just posted on blogspot, which is entitled "surviving controlling selfish men". I really do not believe that God wishes us to remain in abusive relationships. |
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---Pat on 11/12/07 |
Losthope>>>Your story has touched me. Sometimes I am tempted to give up. It can be rough. I pray you will do well. God bless you.++ |
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---catherine on 11/6/07 |
I'm going through with my impending divorce. After four years of lies, indifference, selfishness, immaturity, Anger, Control, a sense of entitlement, and losing a big part of me, I can't do it any longer. I thought if I showed love, trust and Christian behaviour, he would let the 'nice guy' out, again. His misuse/abuse has actually intensified. I am sure that the Lord's grace and mercy will restore me, one day. I wish you all the best in your endeavor for happiness. May God be with you. |
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---LostHope on 11/6/07 |
After 28 years of marriage, I was told I had an NPD spouse. Recently his multiple infidelities, monetary subterfuge, etc were exposed. He/we are now in therapy. He is beginning to see what years of trying to be perfect and please his impossible demands has done to me. I am exhausted and still trying to help him, but he is truly unable to stop. He is now using our grown children against me. It's like a "tic" for them, they can't help it. My advice...cut your losses and get out now. |
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---Daisy on 10/2/07 |
I want to talk to Lorraine. How do I get her email? I homeschooled and have seven children. My husband is NPD and we have lived hell on earth. Please, I want to correspond with someone. |
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---Lynn on 9/20/07 |
My husband is also a narcissist. Though we have been separated for 18 months, he still abuses me(emotionally) by throwing out on me all the faults and finding me as a total trash, by frequently calling me. More to it, he is with another woman. To date, he wants us reunited, saying that it's for the good of our son, will i accept him back? I still love him. |
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---allihya on 9/7/07 |
I've been married to one for 26 years. I didn't realize it until about 2 years ago. For the first 13 years of our marriage, I thought my problem was that I wasn't "submissive" enough, or somehow wasn't doing things right, since scripture says we can "win our husbands by our behavior." At any rate, he was always yelling at me and finding fault with everything I did. God has helped me through - wish I had the space to explain how! |
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---Diane on 8/28/07 |
After 32 years of marriage, I finally recognize the signs of Narcisstic Personality Disorder in my husband. He's caused much discomfort and pain for our family. I always "kept it together" and now I'm just shocked to find out most of our hardships were planned and on purpose. My faith has kept me strong for many years. But I can't pretend anymore. I'm very sad. |
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---Nadellie on 8/18/07 |
Jack(?) my opinion is that you should try to get away from this abusive husband. Especially if he is abusing your son now too. Your son will grow up thinking this is normal behavior for a man. And besides that: you could both get hurt!Please look in the phone book and call somebody to help you and your children. |
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---sue on 7/31/07 |
People proclaim that works don't count when it comes to things such as the Sabbath. But when it comes to a woman living with an abusive spouse. Suddenly, there has to be works... namely she is expected to stay in the abusive relationship! This advice nearly always comes from a man. Women, if you are in an abusive relationship, get out! God will not forsake you. I've been there. I got out. God has blessed me abundantly since and my Christian walk has grown leaps and bounds! |
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---Robin on 7/31/07 |
Trust God but don't stay where there is abuse. I do not believe for one moment that Father God wants any of His being the punching bag of the enemy. |
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---Linda on 7/31/07 |
I need to know too. after 23 year i am stuck. he is now abusing our son. our daughter is strong-willed and is in college. our son is scared to death of his father and no matter what he does it isn't good enuf. he so loves his dad and i just don't know if it is better for us to stay together for the sake of our son or to get out. i could realy care less now. i just exist. no emotion. and i do NOT want to be around my husband at all it is just easier that way. |
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---jack on 7/31/07 |
I was not expecting to come on a blog about this topic especially on a Christian blog site and be treated rudely. I have never blogged here on any other topic before. In fact, I have never blogged before. This is not helpful so I won't be back. I thought perhaps we would support one another. Maybe we have narcissistic infiltrators who think they can judge someone and treat them poorly without knowing them. Bye. |
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---Lisa on 7/24/07 |
Jacob - I have never seen this blog before last week. You must have another Lisa in mind, there are a lot of us floating around! I do not have much time to blog, actually - I have a full-time job and am a single mom and am busy at church. |
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---Lisa on 7/24/07 |
Lisa, I have an idea if you don't have an CN penpal account/e-mail thingy.
Go down to a phone booth, get the number, come back, give the phone number have so and so call you at a specific time.
Then exchange personal e-mail accounts from the telephone booth. No one will have your home phone/e-mail. Phone booth numbers are all odd anyway, no one would know where it's at. Secret Agent Girl. |
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---Lemonade on 7/24/07 |
The phone booth might start ringing with all sorts of callers, in different time zones, etc. Passersby pick up the phone, someone's asking, "Is Lisa there?", sorry, no she's not, must have the wrong number.
"Do you know Jesus Christ", passerby will answer - "How did you know I would be here?"
Is this heaven calling, are you an angel?
You know what, the more I think about it, this might be a good witnessing tool. We should think this over more seriously. |
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---Lemonade on 7/24/07 |
Lisa, I remember you talking about this a long time ago. Do you hide out on the computer for hours to stay away from your husband? Does your family get upset with you for being on here hours every day? |
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---Jacob on 7/24/07 |
I agree that nothing is impossible with God. I agree that at the root of this "disorder" or whatever label one places on it is the fear of rejection and also pride. HOWEVER, if you live with a person like this for a long period of time and you and your children are being abused and this person refuses to recognize, even after great teaching and from going to numerous Bible studies that they have a serious issue, and CONTINUES to try to manipulate and control, it is often better to separate. |
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---Lisa on 7/23/07 |
Now, Peter . . . stop telling everybody everything that's wrong with me. What a fit > your descriptions sound also like "a number" of religious leaders who consider themselves to be above question > but one I know could be my mirror. One scripture that helps cure me, I'm finding, is >
"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3) |
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---Bill_bila5659 on 7/23/07 |
faye4464: I agree with you, it is a spirit of pride and Jesus has given us power and authority over all spirits.
I do not agree that being a Narcissist is a hopeless state and not curable. If someone truly accepts Jesus as their Lord and Savior, well His word says that He came to set the captives free. All things are possible with God. When we are in Jesus, there is no such thing as something being hopeless. He is our hope, our deliverer, a strong help in times of need. :-) |
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---Anonymous on 7/22/07 |
I would love to - you can email me, but I am not sure how that can be accomplished using this blog?? This morning, my pastor assured me that I was fine with him and that he was in support of me. He would never tell someone to divorce, however, he has been supportive of me and our sons moving to our own place and having sanity. |
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---Lisa on 7/22/07 |
Could it be that what we call "narcissist" is really just the fig leaf of one who fears rejection? One who has been rejected and fears further rejection will put on a grandiose, colorful cloak to hide that. Instead of making people like him more, that spirit only causes him to be further rejected. |
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---Linda on 7/22/07 |
I read your post and I am in a situation of living with a narcissist as well. Would you like to be pen pals and support each other through this torment? I am wanting to get out soon as well, having lived in this for almost 20 years, like you. Let's talk. |
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---Laura on 7/22/07 |
My problem is my own tendency toward codependency. I keep taking him back because he gets back into church and the Word, but he always quickly reverts back to his old ways or sometimes is still using his old tactics, but in a NICER way. I hate this divorce thing, but I am an ugly person in this relationship and think I need to be away from him. |
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---Lisa on 7/18/07 |
NPD is very difficult to treat. We have some here on the blogs and you know they're never going to admit they have a serious problem. Some have probably alienated all family members and the blogs are now their sounding board. We are their release, it comes across in writing as it does in person. The additional rejection they suffer from arrogant/abusive/violent behaviors only adds to the cycle. I'm sorry for the hardships that people have suffered at the hands of man/woman with NPD. |
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---Peter on 7/17/07 |
I think Ardean has summed it up.
I could not have said it better. |
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---Robyn on 7/17/07 |
I have read this entire blog. I am currently separated (six months now) from my husband who is diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and who I fully believe also has NPD. He was physically abusive and a rager for the first 13 years, then as our children grew into adolescence he became nice to me but emotionally and verbally abusive to them. He was extrememly controlling and manipulative. In October it will be 19 years of marriage...now he is being nice again... |
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---Lisa on 7/17/07 |
I am in a similar situation and have just moved out 2 days ago after 17 years. There has been constant verbal threats etc, but with the help of my family I am taking one day at a time. It is going to be difficult before it gets better but I feel this is the best thing I have done for myself and my children. |
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---ASHA on 7/17/07 |
Whoa, everyone of these ladies have a sad testimony to share. How are you doing today? |
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---Pecan_Pie on 7/6/07 |
Some narc's like to move around alot, from job to job, town to town. They think changing locations/employment will improve their mental state. It seldom happens, they can live an entire lifetime blaming the rest of the world for their problems. Throw bipolar disorder with narcissism, and you have a some torment to live with. It can be unbearable. |
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---Davis on 6/20/07 |
I know what you mean . I can't tell you what to do , but I am at the point where I don't know whether I want or can hold my marriage together anymore. I am at the point I don't have it in me anymore to keep trying. I don't know what to do either. |
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---donna8489 on 6/19/07 |
I was in a marriage for 15 years with 3 kids. My wife was a narcissistic spouse. I worked 2 jobs then came home and took care of her. I had to go to Wal Mart with her after an 18 hour shift just so she could get her shampoo. Looking back on it I realize that it was a loveless marriage, except for the fact that she loved herself. I didn't want to get divorced, but the judge told me gently, "Sir, you can't make your wife love you." Then he pronounced us divorced. God bless that man! |
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---Ardean on 6/19/07 |
I am fortunate that I have not experienced that type of husband, but I have seen it elsewhere. May be it is time to stop waiting for your frog prince to turn into Prince Charming and live your own life. This does not mean that you need to separate or divorce him, just tell him how wonderful he is while you develop your own hobbies and circle of friends. |
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---lorra8574 on 6/19/07 |
Yup. Married 14 years, 7 kids, home-schooling mom, with an abusive Narcissist.
What did I do? |
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---Lorraine on 6/19/07 |
Been married to (I believe) a narcissistic man for almost 16 years. We have 3 precious daughters! Staying because my children get upset with me because I want a divorce.Makes me think I'm crazy at times.Jill |
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---Jill_Giordano on 4/21/07 |
For the last 2 yrs Ive been trying to get out. 10 years Ive spent all my energy trying to please him. One day it was like a light came on and realized that it wasnt possible. I prayed for years for God to show me what I needed to do. I really thought I loved him but I couldnt figure out how I could. All I can come with is that the bad is so bad that it makes the good seem better than it is. I feel sorry for him, but I deserve better. Good Luck to you and if you need to talk, please email me. TM |
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---Tammy on 4/16/07 |
Thank you for the good advice you have listed on how to live a happy life while married to a narcissist. I have been married to my husband for over 35 years, and while the children were young and at home they kept me going and happy. Now they are grown and gone and the narcissistic traits are so bad I have been very depressed and sad for loss of being loved by my husband. I will make the Lord my husband and lover of my soul, and look to Him each day for the joy I need. |
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---PJ on 3/28/07 |
Wow. 16 years. Long time. Something came to mind how much a blessing it is for you. Many never escape.
Maree would you explain some of the narcissistic indicators revealed to you over the last year of marriage, and how you were affected. |
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---jhonny on 3/6/07 |
I was married to a Narcissistic man who made my life a misery for 16 years. I was fortunate to find 2 leaders and 3 pastors who all agreed that I should get out of it which I did. And I'm so glad I did. God is rebuilding me and life is looking good at last! |
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---Maree7888 on 3/5/07 |
Cindi. I find it interesting that it's the preservation of self respect that is at risk. Making decisions for yourself and using your own mind to form conclusions does require self respect. It takes courage to think on your own. If someone can cause you to doubt your emotions or feelings, it is then that much easier to control their thoughts, which inturn controls their behaviour. The God of Peace is with you. That is our calling. |
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---jhonny on 3/5/07 |
Cindi: I'm sorry. You have difficult choices ahead. You are correct in your decision. Some churches today are no more than narcissist creation programs. Many guys today at marrying age are narcissists. Girls are getting married at an older age. Some have discarded marriage altogether. |
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---jhonny on 3/4/07 |
I might add for your sanity, too. |
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---catherine on 3/4/07 |
I'm married to a narissisit. I've been married for 13 yrs and its only getting worse. Counseling session after session, I've been left to feel that there is something wrong with me. He told me thatI should be grateful to have some one as great as him! When I found myself feeling guilty asking him to spend a couple of hours with me to celebrate our anniv I knew my self-esteem was in the pits. I've not left him yet but I now know I must in order to preseve what little self respect I have. |
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---Cindi on 3/3/07 |
M Not the best advice!
Although a PhD, and trained in something called Psychological Counseling Techniques by Brainbench (whatever that is supposed to mean) his web site states this several times:
I am NOT a mental health professional |
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---John_T on 3/1/07 |
Read Sam Vaknin |
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---M on 2/28/07 |
Faye:: You are the First one who has agreed that it is Pride which is the actual perpetrator to these supposed mental debelitating symptoms .Man is responsible forall the sins of this world in listening to the Arch Deciever who isa ready to offer tangible theorys to make it so convincing see what he has done with Denominations Tis a pity |
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---Emcee on 2/28/07 |
Faye, I'm going to be oiling my house all over the place.
THIS WAS HELPFUL STUFF!!!!! |
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---Cynthia_1 on 2/28/07 |
I do understand. I live with 3 narccisists. And it has rubbed off on me. I'm telling you it is no more than a spirit of pride. When I rebuke the spirit of pride we find peace and the ability to deal with each other. I keep the Word in my heart and mind, and annointing oil by my side. Of course others(including many authors)offer encouragement but strength only comes from Jesus Christ. Just because you don't believe it's a spirit doesn't change the truth. Rebuke it in Jesus' name and see for yourself. |
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---faye4464 on 2/27/07 |
There are conditions that are relevant to narcissism, such as entitlement issues which are less severe. The narcissist takes entitlement to that high sounding level of enoblement, in that they want to be exalted. The narcissist is incapable of benevolance and compassion, but they have learned the mould. The template for fakers and actors. They love the religion business. Easy targets. |
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---jhonny on 2/27/07 |
Deah will see these responses. She's a good friend and since she doesn't have a computer, I will be printing these replies for her. She has decided to stay with her husband even though it's very hard. Hubby wears on the entire family.
Peter, your insight is amazing, just amazing! Thank you for writing! Thank you, everyone! Deah will be blessed by your responses. |
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---DoryLory on 2/26/07 |
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