I Never Loved My Husband
I married my husband in emotional haste and I don't think I have ever loved him. I have tried to have these feelings but they are not there, please don't judge me. I have tried very hard, it is hurting me to not be able to give him any love.
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---Sara-Marie on 6/20/05
Helpful Blog Vote (14)
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I understand! I married my husband to get out of my parent's house. We were engaged after two weeks of knowing each other. The day of our wedding I wanted to say no so bad, I wanted to run! I have stayed and it is not good. I still do not love him more than a friend. I have met someone else and struggle with wanting to leave but I know that it is wrong and do not want to sin. |
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---Stephanie on 5/8/08 |
You may wake up one morning and find out, you do love him.>>>Since I do not know you or your situation, this is all that I will say. |
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---catherine on 4/21/08 |
Love is a choice not a feeling. Each day you have to choose what you will love, God, spouse, children, yourself, your neighbor, you get the picture. If you rely on your feelings you will never love anything. Nothing or nobody gives you anything. We love God because He first loved us, by accepting His love we must choose what or whom we will love. Choose wisely. |
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---dan on 4/20/08 |
I have been married for 3 years now, and I don't feel sexually attracted to my husband anymore. Long time ago before I even met my husband, I chatted online and met this Italian guy. |
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---Lost on 4/19/08 |
I feel the same way you do. I was married about a year ago, and I don't remember the last time I felt love in my heart for him. We are both in the military, stationed in different states and separated for our entire marriage. Our phone conversations get shorter and shorter, our visits inadequate to heal the growing rift. I find myself wondering if we will ever get to have a life together. I pray every day for our marriage. |
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---sun on 2/27/08 |
It sounds exactly like one reason my ex-wife gave for divorcing me. I do not know you, but I know in her case--it was a spiritual thing. I don't think it was neccesarily me-could've been anyone, it was submitting to God and His commandments that was the real issue. From being and living as a Christian, she has totally turned her back on obeying Him and lives in immorality and sin. Real love is a choice. |
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---jeff on 2/4/08 |
Lea. It is difficult to try to reach you when I do not know you. Why don't you love him? Love is a decision. He sounds very much like a decent man to me. After being through so much sorrow of losing a baby, any marriage would suffer. If you stayed with him you could get help for your depression. There are good medicines out there. I think you should not make any important decisions in your present state. Get some medical help. I am sure it is a mistake to leave someone who loves you. |
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---frances on 2/2/08 |
I never loved my husband. I never even loved him when we were dating.I got pregnant and after losing the baby, I was so distraught and depressed, I went into a deep depression and during that time I married him, not really knowing what I was doing.I feel like he tricked me into marriage because he knew I was clinically depressed. These last 3.5 years have been miserable and I want out so badly. I actually am going to cheat on him just so he leaves me. |
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---Lea on 2/2/08 |
Been married for 3 yrs. Got married when I was 23 to a guy I dated for only 4 mos (before getting engaged). Thought since he loved me & wanted to get married, I should get married. He pressured me into getting married, I was in a fragile state after just getting out of a 3 yr relationship, and the rest is history. Feel SO GUILTY for hurting him & for wanting/getting a divorce. Am a Christian and was raised with very strict religious beliefs, so of my it has been a huge struggle. |
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---Stacey on 9/5/07 |
I'M IN YOUR SHOES! EXCEPT WE NOW HAVE A 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. IT IS SO DEPRESSING! |
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---VERO on 8/8/07 |
I married my husband too because i feel obliged to, because i can't stand hurting him after he has been with me after my true love abandon me. It's a big decision for me as he's a foreigner and i have to leave my country to be with him. I did it. And it's been a month now. In this new environment i feel so depressed i fell sick. i want to quit but i knew it wasn't right. What can i do. i really fear that i could never love him no matter how hard i try. It cannot lie especially during love making. |
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---Snow on 11/3/05 |
I too was in a marriage that love never touched. I tried for many years, but the emptiness continued to grow so much, I began to have severe physical problems due to all the stress. I left that marriage to save myself and to give my husband a chance to find someone who could love him for who he was. I believe God understands, there comes a time when pretending won't do. It's not fair to anyone. Life is so short, you have to do the right thing and sometimes that means letting go. |
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---Donna on 8/3/05 |
Pt1
There is such a thing as marrying for the wrong reason. When you're young you can be deceived into thinking your intentions are honorable and that it will all work out but then reality hits, you find yourself wondering what the heck happened and suddenly feel trapped in a loveless marriage. You're not alone, it's quite common actually. Fortunately, God has provided an answer and many responses here have already touched on it. It's called giving. |
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---DoryLory on 7/16/05 |
Pt2
When we give, we are most like our Heavenly Father ("For God so loved the world that He GAVE ..." John 3:16). Giving has far-reaching consequences from dispelling anger, hatred, and bitterness all the way to stirring and reviving emotional feelings of fondness and yes, even love. |
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---DoryLory on 7/16/05 |
Pt3
The secret is to start where you're at. If you recoil at his touch find something you can do for him, some sort of favor you can handle but wouldn't normally do. It doesn't have to be anything overwhelming and he doesn't have to know that you are doing "favors" for him ... it works regardless. Some have had to start with things as simple as sorting his sock drawer, sharpening his pencils, or filling his lunch box with special treats. |
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---DoryLory on 7/16/05 |
Pt4
Ask God to show you where to start. Talk to Him about it ... He'll show you what to do, when to progress to the next step and what the next step should be. It won't be long before you'll notice your attitude beginning to change. This is because "giving" has spiritual repercussions. It is the very heart of God and when you touch His heart, He's going to get involved. "For GOD SO LOVED the world THAT HE GAVE ..." (John 3:16) |
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---DoryLory on 7/16/05 |
If you can't give him emotional love now give him physical love.Take pleasure in trying to make him happy and pleasure in the very act of making love to him.Don't try to work up your emotions just learn to enjoy the physical part of your relationship and you may be surprised what you learn to feel for him.It's simple delight yourselves in one another.Don't fret about what you lack enjoy what you have.People receive when they learn to give.Pray for God to help you do this. |
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---Darlene_1 on 7/15/05 |
Love is a command to obey, you just do it inspite of any feelings of contrariness. Jesus said, "Father let this cup pass from me." Evidently he didn't feel like being sacrificed on a cross, but then he said, "nevertheless not my will but your will be done." i remember a preacher saying, that a wife complained, "We just don't love each other anymore, we grew apart and we fell out of love." The preacher said, "So what, grow back together again and fall back in love." |
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---Eloy on 7/15/05 |
Contrary to conventional wisdom, Greek literature contemporary with the NT uses "agapao", "fileo", and "erao" interchangeably and synonymously. The only word that has a particular meaning is "storge"--family love.
In Biblical marriage patterns, marriages were arranged. As Tina Turner sang, "What's love got to do with it." Love was seen as the FRUIT of marriage, not its root. |
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---Jack on 7/15/05 |
Jack ... it's a different kind of love, I have love (agape love) for hundreds of people, known and unknown to me.
I had love (erotic love) for my wife.
Both kinds of love are Godly.
But yu are right, you need to woek on loving your spouse, to keep the love alive. |
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---Alan8869_of_UK on 7/14/05 |
Sara-Marie, if you look at the Bible, love really didn't enter into the reasons for marriage during this time at all. Otherwise, the Apostle would not have thrice said, "Husbands, love your wives."
Love is not a feeling. It's an ACTION. "Love your neighbor"--and if your husband is not your nearest neighbor, who is he?
I could go on, but I'd just be quoting C. S. Lewis in MERE CHRISTIANITY on this very issue. |
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---Jack on 7/14/05 |
I am sorry, Sara Marie, but I don't understand what you mean by saying "fond of him" yet recoils when he becomes affectionate.I am a woman too, and I guess we feel the same feelings and we speak the same language. Indeed, I find your situation difficult because I don't understand what you really need or want. Please search your heart and your mind. What do you really want out of the situation you are in now? Please do this with lots of prayers. |
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---linda6546 on 6/27/05 |
I can't even let him be affectionate towards me, I recoil if he tries to touch me. We are different in so many ways and I feel unequally yoked, I don't want to divorce but I know it hurts him that I dont show love and affection, I am FOND of him, care for him but don't feel love, it's very hard to explain. |
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---Sara-Marie on 6/23/05 |
The situation that you are in and that of my friend is the same. I understand that any woman is capable of caring. Start from there. Norture any thing that can grow to love. The fact that you are married to him, means that God has given you to him. Knowing your state is a good start. Do not close your heart. Pray. Be Positive.God helps those who are in need. |
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---linda6546 on 6/22/05 |
I believe God knew what was going to happen to her and me. In the end, it brought Glory to Him. you don't know what is ahead. You can only see so far. The concequences could be terrible. Make God the only purpose of your life, and He will get you through whatever your decision is going to be. But do it for the glory of God. Not for yours. Life is too short to struggle. It can come to an end anytime. The pain I went through when she left me was so hard. It had a purpose that only God knew. |
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---Lupe2618 on 6/22/05 |
The sister asked me who I loved more, God or my wife, and I didn't know what to answer. She told me when I put God first things would fall into place. To read 1 Corinthians 13. That was true love. My wife was gone for one year and she came back home. We lived with so much love for each other the next eight years until she died on Dec.10,98. I don't know why things happen and how God works in our lives, but I do know that God had a reason why He allowed us to get in that mess. |
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---Lupe2618 on 6/22/05 |
Sara, I loved my wife soo much and tried my best to win her heart. after the 25th year of marriage, my wife told me she didn't love me and never respected me. She finally left me to do her own life. I was devastated because I had her as my god. I didn't know the Lord then. I believe what happens to us is that we make someone so big in our lives that when they fail we are devastated. When God saved me, a sister at my church asked me if I knew what love was, and I said yes. |
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---Lupe2618 on 6/22/05 |
I have to admit.. I married my husband to get out of my parents home, and new york city, but also because I wanted to have children at a young age. And now I feel bad because I absolutely do not have feelings of partner love towards him and it is hard for me to let him touch me. This is really killing me because he is a good man and father but I do not love him as a husband, only as a friend. I pray for God's mercy and forgiveness. |
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---v on 6/22/05 |
Sis. I never loved my husband either. I married to get away from my dad. I know what a loveless marriage is. To look into someones eyes and see their emptiness towards you. I am praying for you, I know this hurts, I have been there. My prison term was 25 years, I have been out now for 11 years and am better off. Hugs to you.
She |
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---Sherr on 6/22/05 |
Sara Marie, what Pierr7958 said is the best advice so far. Think about what it was that you liked or loved in him in the past. Nurture it, once in a while, just go and hug him while he's sitting on a chair. Don't say anything, just hug him and let the affection be rekindled.
Pray God to help you and seek the advice of a good councellor. |
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---Albert on 6/22/05 |
May I suggest reading Love is a Decision by G. Smalley. I am not married but have read this book many a time. It gives you a great insight into a christian relationship and the meaning of love in that situation. I should mention that this book was given to me to read as it goes into family and loving relationships between members. |
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---Kate on 6/21/05 |
I married my ex husb. because of emotional blackmail. I too thought that I could eventually love him and all would be well. In 10 yrs of marraige nothing was ever well.
I do not judge as I have been in your shoes.
It is very painfull and you loose yourself to the pain. Pray and read the bible. I had no friends to confide in which made it worse. I pray you can find some trustworthy christian friends to confide in. You can not deal with it on your own it will destroy you. |
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---Marla on 6/21/05 |
Sara,
Others have pointed out that love is a choice. It truly is. Things the world calls love are hormonaly driven desires. The "chemistry" that can take place between a man and a woman when they first meet is very exciting but it is not love.
Our example of love is Christ who gave Himself for the chruch (his bride) before the church ever wanted anything to do with him.
He CHOOSE to love us. We CHOOSE to love others. This is just as true for a mate. |
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---Bruce5656 on 6/21/05 |
Hi Sara: My name is Phil and NO WAY am I going to judge you. I was married 4 years ('84-'88) to someone who I didn't love. We had sexual relations prior to marriage and at the time I was a baby Christian. I felt guilty for having sex and I thought I could "make it right" with the Lord if I married the girl. First off, I was unequally yoked!! Then I got into a marriage that I ENDURED for the duration. No connection, no spiritual bond. Just a legal marriage. I understand, Princess. I ache w/you. |
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---phila4543 on 6/21/05 |
Sara,
I am impressed that yousaid you have tried and that it hurts you. I think you reveal alot there. You are possibly in need of emational healing of your own.God bless you. Think of how very much Christ loves you and that is the love He has put in your heart and it CAN flow to your husband. please contact me rache7576 |
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---rachel on 6/21/05 |
Read over Pierre's and Madison's posts a few times, much truth to be found.
Love is a choice, choose to allow God to love your husband through you. Look at him differently, find his good points and appreciate them. Spend leisure time together and communicate. You may not even know this man, nor him you! Stop hurting, and start loving sister, you both will be happy you did. |
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---NVBarbara on 6/21/05 |
Hi sara marie I understand your problem you told me that you tried your best to love your husband but you can't. sara I want to advice you GOD hate devorce very much so donot try to devorce but you should have ask GOD this passion for your husband GOD will do it. HE really can help you . |
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---martha on 6/21/05 |
DEAR MADAM,
I have read your complain,but i must advced you that since you have married the man,i think you must find way of loving the man by all means as a good christian,how many children do you have for the man,pls reply me.
thanks
bosun |
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---bosun5565 on 6/21/05 |
I am no expert in this matter, however God is! However, I think if you want to stay married and maybe even have children, then you must allow yourself to love him. Love is a choice anyway, its a matter of who we chose to love or not. I suggest you seek God and ask Him to fill your heart with love for your husband. Maybe look at your husbands good points and try to focus on them. Is he a Christian? If he is then you definitely have a chance. If he isn't pray that he will become one. |
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---Marica on 6/21/05 |
i know what you r going through exactly i can help u i went through the same thing except i am a male. |
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---eddie on 6/21/05 |
This is a very difficult situation and one that requires a lot of prayer. I believe marriage is an institution and one that God blesses. Feelings change and feelings of love can come about when you don't feel them currently. It's best to pray for guidance and ask God to open your heart to this man. It's amazing how fast it can change for you. |
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---Carol on 6/21/05 |
Have been married / divorced twice, have had to rethink what love actually is. What I grew up thinking it was, wasn't love. Read the Bible's words about what a good woman is, and concentrate on improving yourself to be more pleasing to God. This has helped me greatly to understand what love really is. Look for the good in your husband, and build on that~!! And ask God for His help to be the wife He wants you to be. Hugs, sister~!! |
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---Barbara on 6/20/05 |
I split from my husband for 12 years, then drifted back to him. He is a lovely man and like you, I have prayed to have the right feelings for him, but so far it hasn't happened. |
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---caroa9856 on 6/20/05 |
You are in my shoes exactly. I married to get out of the home, I really thought I was in love, but after years I realized I was not and I prayed for this and tried couseling to feel something but I do not feel any love for him except love like a brother or friend. I feel bad for him, but it is not good to live in a lie. I would like to add to this question. Should I stay in this marraige and is this acceptable for divorce ? Is it wrong to marry again?
Moderator - Yes wrong to divorce and adultry to remarry according to the scripture for your sitution. |
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---woman on 6/20/05 |
Sara Marie;
You talk about an emotonal haste. I would suggest that these emotons had to be good and must have made you feel good. So you messed up on the timing. No big deal! The future is what counts. I encourage you to everyday list and focus on the qualities of your husband and before you know it, he will grow on you! You said you tried to produce positive feelings but realize you can't pull them out of thin air, hence my suggestion. |
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---Pierr7958 on 6/20/05 |
I believe that love is a choice. It comes about by action and the things we do for others and by the love we receive. Christ loved us not because we love Him, but because we are His own. Please pray for a heart filled with love for your husband, do nice things for him and see what can happen next. God bless you Sara-Marie. |
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---Fronie on 6/20/05 |
sara iwas in a similar situation and i can tell u as a man i was devastated when i found out. if he is providing properly then respect him and treat him well because he may always believe you love him at least i did and when i was told i died. after 7 years.if he is a good husband then i suggest u have your house exorcised u may have a demon of hate dwelling there get your pasto |
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---peter on 6/20/05 |
I understand how you are feeling and have been there. Confess this to the Lord and ask Him to help you love your husband. Then, do loving things for your husband. Pray each morning for an attitude of love toward your husband and then do loving things each day. Pray each evening for the same attitude of love toward your husband and do loving things. The Holy Spirit should take care of your "feelings." We are to obey the Lord. He will take care of the rest. |
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---Madison on 6/20/05 |
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