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Newest Humor Blog

The old humor blog kind of got lost in the shuffle. We need this! Let's keep up the "Humor Blog"! God bless all of us crazy people.

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 ---Slappy on 6/28/05
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I don't have a clue Madison! The lines for the lady's restroom is only exceeded by the lines at Disneyworld! NEVER a line at the men's restroom! I guess if one lady goes, all the others feel they'll tag along and touch up make-up, or just talk!
---NVBarbara on 6/2/08

EVERYBODY move to the top of the list! Humor blog # 4!
---NVBarbara on 7/13/05

If you were a bear, you'd have your cubs while you were sound asleep, and they'd be half-grown before you woke
---Ann5758 on 7/13/05

nvBarb, yeah, i feel a definite kindred spirit with you, and not because we're both is strange how God can be found among the confusion.
---Eloy on 7/13/05

2.If I were a female bear, my mate would EXPECT me to wake up growling. He would EXPECT that I would have hairy legs and excess body fat.

I wanna be a bear.
---Madison1101 on 7/12/05

If I were a bear, I'd get to hibernate. I'd do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

If I were a bear, I'd have to eat myself stupid before I hibernated. I could deal with that, too.

If I were a mama bear, everyone would know I meant business. I'd swat anyone who bothered my cubs. If my cubs were out of line, I'd swat them too. I could deal with that.
---Madison1101 on 7/12/05

cont: The man thought to himself maybe I will just ask him to make the bear a Christian then I don't owe Him anything but and they bear will be good and spare my life.

God said, "Your prayer has been granted."

Suddenly the bear raiseed his both arm and said " Thank you Lord for an awesome meal that you have given me"!!
---Madison1101 on 7/12/05

An atheist man was hiking in the mountains, but suddenly a bear appeared and attacked the man. Just before the bear was about to Strike, The man called on the name of God. "Please Help me, if you listen to me once, I will believe in you".

All of a sudden a bright cloud appeared before him and said, "Why should I help you? You persecuted my people, and never believed that I existed".
---Madison1101 on 7/12/05

Barbara: Your family sounds like my kids. I was hysterical reading about your daughter and her ring, and your brother and his excuse for his tardiness.
---Madison1101 on 7/12/05

Do you think its possible that I'm from a dysfunctional family?.....Nah!
---NVBarbara on 7/12/05

Another family story: My brother was always late for school. We lived very close and we walked to school. After MANY times of having to stop at the office and get fussed at for being late, he told the nun in charge, "If you had 6 sisters and 1 bathroom, you'd be late too!"
---NVBarbara on 7/12/05

2 school stories.In Gr 8,we studied native Americans and how they lived.Teacher asked,"How would they preserve meat?"I answered,"They smoke it."Teacher(he'd been waiting)said,"No,they used tobacco."Class roared.Then in Gr.10,we studied religions.Teacher asked why someone would become an RC priest?Dummy me said"Maybe it's hereditary."Teacher asked how.I said"Maybe if your father was a priest,you'd be one too."Couldn't understand why the class was dying.
---Ann5758 on 7/12/05

(This is true!)Once the Bishop came to the church for some special gathering. As it happened, my older sister had just graduated from high school. She did a quick kneel where he was seated and kissed his ring, as is the custom. When she got up she held out her hand and asked him if he'd like to kiss her ring, she added that she had worked as hard for hers as he had for his!
Don't ask, YES my whole family is warped!
---NVBarbara on 7/12/05

I am Presbyterian Elder (PCUSA) so I can get away with telliug you and old joke on us about our lack of a stance on the use of alcohol.
---phia4633 on 7/11/05

Two men had been to the local tavern on a cold showy night having a few brews. On their way home they got cold so they stopped at the church prayer meeting to get warm again. After the service they went on their way. Three old ladies were sitting behind them and were trying to figure out what they were. One said they sang like good Methodist. The second said they gave like good Baptist but the third said but they smelled like Presbyterians
---phia4633 on 7/11/05

Part 2: Cubby's little head went into a spin and Cubby started to change. He wasn't Cubby anymore, he was THE FLYING NUN, Dell and she's coming to a dream near you!
---John on 7/11/05

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Dear Dell, Here's a bedtime story just for you. Once apon a time there was this cute little bear. His name was Cubby bear. He lived all alone. One day Cubby went out to the market and was gone all day. When cubby came home he noticed that the door was ajar but he went in anyway. At that moment two people grabbed him and tied him up. They turned on the light. It was Sister Slap you and the dreaded school nurse! The sister held cubby down while the nurse administered a shot of gravy for the brain.
---John on 7/11/05

Somebody tell me another story before I go to sleep. I really like your stories of your life experiences. Those nuns and nurses sound really scarey! Did anyone ever see the flying nun on tv. Are nuns really like that?
---Dell on 7/11/05

There were 3 people from different nations (being politically correct)lost in the desert when they found a genie bottle, they rubbed it and out popped a genie who said they could each wish for 1 thing. The first said "I'll have an endless supply of water", the next said "a portable fan", the third said "a car door". "why?" they asked, so I can wind down the window when I get hot.
---lisa on 7/11/05

You'll see no fat jokes from me! I used to be overweight and I can understand what it's like. We all can help each other here because we all have something to bring to the table. Unfortunately I used to bring seconds and thirds to the table.
---John on 7/11/05

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When I was in school I was so fat my yearbook picture was an arial photograph.
---Tim on 7/11/05

I used to love it when the Monsignor came to visit the school. Each class was warned the day before to be on their best behavior, or else!
The Monsignor was just the opposite of the nuns, he was kind and compassionate.
I used to tell him, "Monsisgnor, please stay, my mother just happened to make this banquet for you."
He stayed awhile longer and spared us a few more precious moments from the ravages of SISTER SUCKER PUNCH, SCOURGE OF THE ARCHDIOCESE!
---John on 7/11/05

Hey...I saw a mis-type in my last blog...oops...How embarrasing...the first line of my "Have you ever wondered" should've been:
...why the sun darkens you SKIN and ligtens your HAIR?

So I got it backwards!!...Oh well...have fun with the jokes :-)
---Misty on 7/11/05

PART 2-Have you ever wondered...??
...why they don't make the WHOLE plane out of the material they use for the little black box.
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together.
...why abbreviated is such a long word...

Have a WONDERFUL week y'all!!! :-)
---Misty on 7/11/05

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NVBarbra thanks! You too! Good joke My husband and I were at a website and saw this...It's hilarious:
Have you ever wondered...??
...why the sun darkens your hair, but ligtens your skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouths closed (It's true ladies!)
...why you don't ever see in the headlines "Psychic wins Lottery"
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new and improved flavor"
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquito's
(see part 2)
---Misty on 7/11/05

A good way to start the week huh Misty?
May you have a blessed week Sis!

Hey, do you know why snakes won't mate with lawyers? --Professional courtesy! (from my son, the lawyer!)
---NVBarbara on 7/11/05

Good Morning Everyone! Hope everyone had a Wonderful weekend! Was reading the blogs from the weekend...Y'all are nuts!!! My kind of people! John, that drug test joke made me laugh out loud!! People in my office have now confirmed I'm crazy! I'm all by myself and laughing....LOL Whoever submitted that blonde joke, it was hilarious too!
---Misty on 7/11/05

Con't..Never one to like boredom, he proceeded to take the pins out of the corkboard and drop them in the fish tank as he stood in the corner!
He's still loopy at 31, like mother like son I suppose!
---NVBarbara on 7/11/05

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As old as MOST of us are, its amazing we remember so much about primary school!
When my son was in kindergarten, he got in a little scrape.When I picked him up after school his teacher wanted to talk to me,I had him wait in the car. We walked inside and she broke up laughing! She had to leave the room for a minute and told them to behave.When she came back into the room, my son was standing in her chair teaching the class!He was made to stand in the corner for a while.
---NVBarbara on 7/11/05

Remember that movie with Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts? I think it was called "Conspiracy Theory". There was this crazy Dr. who had Mel Gibson tied up in a chair and was just about to administer a huge needle to him and Mel asked "What's that?" The mad doctor says " Gravy for the brain!" This is what happened to me when a Nurse Crachet gave me one. I ain't right yet.
Whoo HOO!!!!! Hoooooo Hoooo!!!!
---Shakey on 7/11/05

I got caught throwing a cherry bomb down the school hallway by sister Teresa. She brought me to the classroom, locked the door and slapped me silly. True story. Thus, the name Slappy! Off again to parts unknown.
---Slappy on 7/11/05

Kid came running into our french class one rainy morning, and the bottoms of his shoes were wet. He ran in a couple minutes late, slipped and landed plunk, right at the teacher's feet. Teacher looked at him and said "A simple bow from the waist would have sufficed."
---Ann5758 on 7/11/05

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Ernie Bunder got blamed for the tack. He got sent to sister Elizabeth,s office and got the rest of the day off. The plan backfired!
---J on 7/11/05

J : Can you tell me what happened when Sister Sofia sat on the tack? Did you get found out?
---Lisa on 7/11/05

Speaking of tacks on chairs, we had an English teacher who wore the thickest, tightest girdle we could possibly imagine. One of the girls bet one of the guys that if he put a tack on her chair, she wouldn't even feel it. So he put one on her chair and she walked around with it stuck in her the rest of the day.
---Jeffrey on 7/11/05

I had a friend who had a 4'11" teacher in high school. He was 6'40. One day she got mad at him and stood there looking up at him, yelling at him. He said, "Wait a minute!" got a chair, picked her up, put her on it, and said, "Now, go ahead." She laughed so hard she couldn't continue.
---Jeffrey on 7/11/05

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Bruce: That is a tough one. I guess the thing is, if I am in the care of Nurse Cratchet, I am probably not in touch with reality and would therefore not know what was going on in the first place. Hopefully.
---Madison on 7/10/05

I went to "Our Lady of Perpetual motion." I was running from those nuns all through school.
---John on 7/10/05

Young lad nosing around the blacksmith shop, picks up a "hot" horseshoe and immediately drops it. Blacksmith says "aha burned yourself didn't you!" no ,the boy says ,it don't take me long to look at a horseshoe!
---1st_cliff on 7/10/05

If you had to choose one of the two, who's hands would you rather be in, Sister Brutis or Nurse Cratchet, the night Nurse?
---Bruce on 7/10/05

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I have a confession to make. Forgive me for I have sinned. I put the tack on Sister Sofia's chair!
---J on 7/10/05

Nyuk Nyuk, Elder STILL didn't see my GLARING misspelled word! Apparently, no one else did either!
---NVBarbara on 7/10/05

When I was in my public high school, I had a math teacher that went to Catholic schools and colleges. She should have been a nun. She was 4'11" with red hair. She walked around with a yardstick and when the football players acted up in class she whacked their desks with the yardstick. You should have seen those tough guys jump.
---Madison on 7/10/05

We ALL had that same nun! They're clones! I lasted 9 years at Our Lady of the Broken Windows (rough neighborhood!)Sister Mary Elephant was to be feared with that yard stick! She used to nod off when it got quiet, we would ALL drop a heavy book in unison and watch her come up out of her chair! You find fun where you can!
---NVBarbara on 7/10/05

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Hey John, I think I had that same nun, The one in charge of pain and suffering. I also excaped! He HE HA HAA!!!! Whoo HOO!!
---Bruce on 7/10/05

John, That was great! There is a lesson in that joke. Thanks. Deb
---Debbie on 7/10/05

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay," and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
---John on 7/10/05

John: At least you had chocolate milk. Back in the day, we only had white milk.

I was the only kid in my family that had to go to Catholic school. Sister Mary Penguin wanted to take a few of my knuckles with her as well. After three years, I got to go to public school. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. No more uniforms.
---Madison on 7/9/05

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I had it so tough in school that I had to sneak in and out.
---Timmy on 7/9/05

PS: Guido says ... "How ya dooin?"
---John on 7/9/05

I remember my first day of school. We all filed down to the lunch room where we met the the ominous Sister Bruno; Administrator of Pain and Suffering and those little containers of chocolate milk. She came equipped with Darth Vader suit, rosary beads and a big hardwood ruler with the metal edge for our little knuckels if we even looked like we were thinking of trouble, Ahhh, such sweet memories of school life.
---John on 7/9/05

Hey Jeffrey that was the funniest Blond joke I ever heard. You know the one where you said, "Here's my favorite blonde joke. I hope you like it, NVBarbara."
I knew she was a blonde joke but I was afraid to say it.
That second one was OK too.
---Elder on 7/9/05

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You're right Madison, we need spell check!
I type 120 words a minute, but its in my own language!
---NVBarbara on 7/9/05

Not just you 'somebody' I think I still have some small indentations in my knuckles from nuns with HEAVY rulers!

I am taking a bow for blondes everywhere Jeffrey! We're not as dumb as you think!

After Elder's diatribe, I'm surprised no one noticed my glaring misspelled word!!
---NVBarbara on 7/9/05

Easy people, I had it rough when I started way bach in school. Not too good experiances.
Did any of you have it tough in school? I'm glad they let me out, because I had a nun that told me that she would keep me in detention forever! I excaped. I'm free! Ha HA HA!
---Sombody on 7/9/05

I went for a job interview and the boss asked if I'd be willing to take a drug test.
I jokeingly said ... "Sure, I'll test all the drugs you want!" He laughed and I got the job.
---John on 7/9/05

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Part 5:
Finally, he turns to the blonde, who has been sleeping all this time, wakes her up, and hands her $500. She puts it in her purse and starts to go back to sleep. But he says, "Hey, I've got to know. What goes uphill with two legs and comes down with three?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, takes out $5, hands it to him, and goes back to sleep.
---Jeffrey on 7/9/05

Part 4:
He thinks for a minute, then gets out his laptop and searches through every file. Can't find a thing on it. He gets on the airphone and calls all his friends. None of them know. Finally he uses the airphone to log onto the internet. He spends hours - searches everywhere he can think of - can't find anything that goes uphill with two legs and comes down with three.
---Jeffrey on 7/9/05

Part 3:
He goes first and asks her, "How do you calculate the convection heat transfer coefficient for a vehicle brake disc?"

She doesn't even hesitate. She just opens her purse, takes out $5, and hands it to him.

Now it's her turn. So she asks him, "What goes uphill with two legs and comes down with three?"
---Jeffrey on 7/9/05

Part 2:
The blonde's not interested and really just wants to sleep, so she declines. But the guy pesters her and then raises the stakes. If she can't answer his questions, she'll give him $5 each, but if he can't answer hers, he'll give her $500. After all, she's a blonde; how can he lose?

Well, she can see that he's not going to give up, so she agrees.
---Jeffrey on 7/9/05

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Ok. Here's my favorite blonde joke. I hope you like it, NVBarbara.

Part 1:
A good-looking blonde gets on a plane to head home after an exhausting business trip. A business man sits down next to her and figures he'll have a little fun with her. So he says, "Let's play a game. I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it correctly, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
---Jeffrey on 7/9/05

Madison, I could cheat like Elder and type everything on 'Word' so he can use spell check, then put it on the blogs! Somehow he still manages to misspell some words, go figure!
But bless me, I have made a man happy today! My work here is done!
---NVBarbara on 7/8/05

Yo John, how's cousin Guido? Is he still in da slammah, what a schmuck. One simple job and he turns it into cannoli. Here's hopin' da putz has plenty of soap on a rope. He ain't gonna be sittin unda da stars dooin nuttin anytime soon!
---NVBarbara on 7/8/05

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.

"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"

"Certainly," replied the applicant.

"It means I don't get the job."
---Madison on 7/8/05

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A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
---Madison on 7/8/05

Have a nice weekend Mist. Uh oh, did I just mispell Misty? I never misspell a woud. Give be a break, I'm from NY, I have to spell like I talk. Barbara, How are you dooin, out there under da stars at nite? You can smack me now if you can find me.
---John on 7/8/05

NVBarbara: Christianet needs Spellcheck. I find myself retyping all the time.
---Madison on 7/8/05

Cut me some slack dude, I haven't had much sleep. My spelling gene is out of whack!
---NVArabrab on 7/8/05

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I was gonna tell a joke but since nvBarbara misspelled that word "Mystery" I don't have to. Ha ha A ha ha.
I won't even have'ta take my medication tonight.
No panic attacks, headaches, night sweats or bad dreams.
Com'on Barb babe misspell som'more.
---Elder on 7/8/05

NV, but that style is too weak now.
But guess what? My day has been made. I have been waiting for this event every since you have been on this site. If I was dumb I'd go out a buy a lottery ticket. Today is my lucky day won't believe it..............but it is yes, today nvBarbara MISSPELLED A WORD!!!!!
(Well, that clears up the mistery of your "secret coffee recipe" Elder)
Ever heard of the word Mystery? This is one in a row.
---Elder on 7/8/05

You know Madison, it could go back to high school when all the girls would dash to the loo between classes. We could talk about boys, or complain about our zits!
---NVBarbara on 7/8/05

I just love dogs. I had one once and he was so smart. He could talk. Yep...when I asked what was on top of the house, he said "roof, roof." When I asked what was on the tree, he said, "bark, bark." He could even read! That's right! When we were at the park the bench had a sign on it that said Wet Paint...and he did! :-) Have a good weekend y'all!
---Misty on 7/8/05

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NVBarbara: I guess we ladies know how to fellowship at even the awkward moments.
---Madison on 7/8/05

Thanks NVBarbra! I think I found it!
---Misty on 7/8/05

Well that clears up the mistery of your "secret coffee recipe" Elder!
You learned as a child to make coffee suitable to replace the tar on the roof!
---NVBarbara on 7/8/05

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