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Husband Doesn't Defend Me

Is it okay to respectfully say no to inlaws who criticize? My husband tells me to do so, yet has difficulty finding the courage to defend. I can't take it anymore - I've lost respect for him.

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 ---sad_wife on 8/3/05
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Wendy the RED FLAG was waving before you got married!!!

first clue WHY your husband was previously divorced and WHY his former wife is divorced most likely

whenever any ADULT puts their children ahead of their spouse (either biological or stepchildren) they have written the end of their marriage

childrens safety and well-being come first however a spouse ALWAYS comes first in a marriage

when children are the #1 priority in a marriage making the spouse #2 the children RULE the household and marriage

one of the reasons so many marriages are failing today and so many are divorced they are the victims of spouses whose priorities are backwards and ignorant misunderstanding of the purpose of marriage
---Rhonda on 1/7/12


I am in a similiar situation my husband and I both were married before but my husband takes his step daughter from his first wife side. He will hurt my feeling to protect hers. He also goes along with anything his sister tells him. In my eyes I come third of 4th in his life behind God of course his sister and mom and his step daughter and biological son and then me. I guess I am ask what should I do as well.
---wendy on 1/2/12


Matthew Chapter 18 tells us what to do "If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother. But if he doesn't listen, take one or two more with you, that at the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the assembly. If he refuses to hear the assembly also, let him be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector."

I believe that the steps will work if done lovingly and prayerfully. Tell your husband that he's hurting you. Remember that anger is a manifestation of hurt. It makes it easier to deal with pain and it is a tool of Satan. Be courageous and address your pain.
---sara on 4/27/09


So what really is the name for losing respect for another?
Judgment followed by unforgiveness.
The bitterness you harbor has to be resolved and repented of or God cannot even help you with this.
You have to start being more aware of how your emotions are affecting you, giving names to the things you do if there is one,
so that this calloused behavior can be stopped and REAL communication can begin.
---Pharisee on 5/9/07


You could try asking him how he would feel if it were the other way around and that it was your parents criticizing him but then you did nothing to defend him. This might just get him thinking. Parents don't come first with their children once those children are married. Loyalty must be to spouse.
---Paul_James on 8/4/05




(2) Remember your husband was raised to be obedient to his parents.Sometimes a man has trouble cutting those ties to parents.He loves you but he's a coward.He's afraid of displeasing his parents/losing their approvel.Tell him how you feel.That you need his support.Talk about your feelings,don't blast him for not defending you,but make it plain you need him to.Yes you can say no to his parents,but tell him, it could cause hard feelings if you do it alone,you need him to take care of his parents.
---Darlene_1 on 8/4/05


(20) Remember your husband was raised to be obedient to his parents.Sometimes a man has trouble cutting those ties to parents.He loves you but he's a coward.He's afraid of displeasing his parents/losing their approvel.Tell him how you feel.That you need his support.Talk about your feelings,don't blast him for not defending you,but make it plain you need him to.Yes you can say no to his parents,but tell him, it could cause hard feelings if you do it alone,you need him to take care of his parents.
---Darlene_1 on 8/4/05


(1)Losing respect is a way of saying you have lost confidence in husband's loyality ,you've lost hope for his help.It's easy to feel cast aside/heartsick with the situation.Genesis2:24 tells a man to leave father and mother and cleave unto his wife.Cleave-stick fast,be faithful.When a man doesn't protect his wife he isn't doing his job.He hasn't broken his ties to parents, completely "cleaved" to his wife.Perhaps it's not as much anger in you as feelings of total frustration/helplessness.
---Darlene_1 on 8/4/05


Dear sad, I have never seen Pharisee write such a long response with so much passion.
Reread what he said and understand. It is easy for you to be angry. You are fighting back, he and I understand that.
You are fighting your husband because he loves you and you love him and you realize that you can.
He may not be doing what he should but you are running on anger now. That anger is tainting your view and ability to receive properly.
---Elder on 8/4/05


Pharisee, I agree with you for the most part. However, I will not dismiss the fact that it is both our jobs to protect our marriage. So, we both have something to work on, don't we?

Just curious, is it possible you have had some similar issues? You seem rather angry. You don't have a son and daughter-in-law with similar struggles in their marriage, do you?

Sad AND Angry Wife
---sad_wife on 8/4/05




ask them in a nice way why they criticize you? Ask them what satisfaction they are receiving. If that does not help, stay away from them.
---shira_5965 on 8/4/05


This sounds like a tuff place to be in. You might just have to stand up for yourself. You can do it. Pray frist. Ask, the Lord to give you the right words ahead of time to defend yourself. If you are doing what is right, the Lord will defend you. He will even show mercy on you because He loves you.
---Linda3939 on 8/4/05


All too often the "sad wife" is the angry wife when talking to her husband...True?

Your husband needs to see what this does to you if it's going to wake him up.
People have learned to be gaurded and give their hurts to anger so not to be vulnerable.

When a baby crys will you not do anything to help? In the same way the baby is so we must be;
cry when your hurt, (cry to God) this is communication that cannot be ignored, while an angry person we can easily walk away from.
---Pharisee on 8/4/05


"I can't take it anymore - I've lost respect for him."

While you may be at your wits end, the simple fact is you can take it, and you've thrown away your respect for him.
You didn't lose it you decided he wasn't worthy of it, and so now the Devil has won the day, another family is rutterless in the water and the best part
you did it to yourselves. This is where grace must pound out a new path, and a decision HAS TO BE MADE to be a people of grace or Jesus died for Nothing!
---Pharisee on 8/4/05


"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." Matthew 11:29
He promises rest for your soul! I for one can tell you it's true.
The next time you feel like "I can't take it," look back upon the wound that Jesus became for you and see that the devil wants you to be consumed by your own feelings and with all your focus upon them, pour them out to God so he can show you to the cross, and help you carry it.
---Pharisee on 8/4/05


Carry your husband's sin Just as Jesus carried yours. Be a redeemer, not an accuser. Human justifications are never proper when we try and justify a score being kept or, the changing of one's conduct due to circumstances. God doesn't deal with us in this way, and we are called to be like him and to "follow him" NO? When we sin God doesn't "lose respect" for us, because he doesn't judge us, he doesn't need to because he's placed the judgement upon Jesus.
---Pharisee on 8/4/05


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