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Obedient To An Angry Husband

After being a back slider, I have recently returned to God and to church. While my husband goes to church, he has a very violent temper (he has never hit me), and I am worried. How does a wife continue to be submissive and obedient to her husband under these conditions.

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 ---Lakesha on 8/17/05
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There are certain responsibilities that a man must perform to be a husband that a wife should submit to.
Just as Peter said Shall we hearken unto you instead of God the wife should submit to her husband unless he is engaged in adultery, abusive behavior (physical), slothfulness, etc...
Leaving because she disagrees with him or because he gets mouthy with her isn't scriptural.
It says If the unbelieving depart, let him depart. If he hates you now that you are returning to Christ it is up to him to depart unless your life is endangered or such.
I have seen the devil move on a spouse of one who returns to the Lord just to hinder the spouse returning. And sometimes they end up coming around as well if the returning spouse is patient.
---Del on 6/25/11

Hi Amanda :) Your post is soooo refreshing--bless you! I tire of hearing how women are supposed to submit to men but so little of how men are supposed to love their wives! I was once advised to "be more submissive" to a very cruel ex-husband--ugh!
---Mary on 6/25/11

You don't submit to evil. When you say he has a violent temper what do you mean? Does he throw things, yell, swear, etc. Everyone has different temperaments and if he is firey then he needs to learn how to control his temper.

If your temperaments don't compliment each other then maybe you are not meant to be together.
---poopsey on 6/25/11

Ephesians 5:25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church-a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives." Try to be in prayer asking for guidence before your husband comes home each night. God knows your heart and he is there with you. You deserve to be treated as Christ to the church. God loves you so much. Cling to him, he will see you through. Ask your pastor for help and hopefully your church will find a way to help you. May the God of peace be with you.
---Amanda on 6/24/11

It is very hard to even be around someone with a violent temper. Let alone be submissive to them. Your husband goes to church but he probably need to be saved. There is a big difference. This is why he is so violent and carnal. He does not know the ways of the Lord.He must be born again and then Christ will begin to teach him how to be a good husband/father/ etc...He is just a churchgoer.Going to church will do nothing for a person if the church does not get into him.
---Robyn on 1/22/11

Sounds like a good marraige with issues. It is called life. Go find a christian counseler. Counseling is not a bad thing we are all jacked up people.
---Scott on 1/14/11

Well Mary. Don't get too comfortable with that so called all- loving husband of yours. We all are in danger of an ill wind. Some things start so beautifully and end so ugly. But I wish you continued success in your marriage. It took 30 years for the ill wind to blow my way.
---Robyn on 12/20/10

I feel soooo deeply sorry for women who have to live with domineering and/or angry men. That is soooo tragic they are being crushed by his ego and meanness. I am so blessed to be married to a man who considers me his equal partner in life, God knew he was the right man for me! We have our share of difficulties but he is truly my soulmate. I pray these women who are being abused/treated like snot/ will someday find theirs.
---Mary on 8/31/10


Your transparency is appreciated and your acknowledgment of the truth is not common. You seem to want to focus on you and your struggles rather than blaming your husband.

May the Lord Jesus continue to bestow the Comforter (Strengthener) in you and may the children heal quickly so they do not carry this burden with them for longer than they have to. May you all, including your husband, be delivered from that spirit.

Always remind your children of forgiveness but also remind them of proper borders (which the churches seems to ignore).
---aka on 8/29/10

I don't know how long ago you wrote, or what condition your marriage is in now, but if there has not been any improvement I want to share with you some of what I am learning as I am somewhat in the same position--but my husband is a Christian and nobody in the church seems to care that he often has angry outbursts and sometimes gets violent with the children. I am now dealing with Child and Family Services which is curving his temper a bit and he is being forced to participate in a group for abusive men. This, however, does not change his miserable attitude and, if not for the grace of God, has the potential to destroy our marriage and children.
---Desley on 8/28/10

Jesus knows best for me what is really good for me. Many times I give way for Satan to start messing with my head and making me fear for the future of my family, namely, my children- and then I attack my husband, but by listening to Satan's fear-mongering, I am actually becoming instrumental myself in the destruction of my home. Never mind the Proverbs 31 woman, when I allow fear to rule me, I become the Proverbs 14:1 woman -the stupid one who, instead of being wise and building her house, I tear my house down with my own hands. And what the heck is wrong with me that I will listen to Satan before Jesus? Satan comes to kill and destroy, but Jesus came so that I can have life and have it abundantly.
---Desley on 8/28/10

Not sure how you're dealing with this, but stay calm as possible with your husband's anger. It's taken me 3 years to get it. It works. The wife's job is to keep peace at home even when the husband wants to fight. A lot of men test wives with outbursts. It takes strength to be patient & long-suffer. Most men will acquire tender hearts over time seeing their wife's reaction. Some men are amused/entertained by their wife's foolish reaction. They want someone to act foolish with them to justify their childishness. Pray, hold fast to patience & God's word. With that said, separation is not divorce, therefore, not sin. If your husband isn't budging within 3 years, I suggest leaving temporarily. Show him you mean business without acting out.
---Michelle on 10/21/09

The versions of the Bible I've read talk about wives being submissive but the children obeying--now submission is different from outright obedience. The wife is not a child and should not be treated like one or abused. Submission is regarding the other person's needs before your own--not obeying a command--no man should do that to his wife!
---Mary on 8/17/09

Part 2: While I am not married to the man I love (yet and hoping that will change by New Years), I deliberately gave him control of an issue in our relationship that I didn't want to be responsible for. He didn't ask me to do that, I just did it because as a man I wanted him to be responsible before God for the issue in our relationship, and not myself. He never DEMANDS but I give out of reverence to God and to him.
---Mary on 8/17/09

He throws a tantrum (slamming things around, throwing things) in such a furious rage (a dish wasn't washed) and my reaction is to make sure the entire house is clean because I fear the next outburst. Is that "submission" or "survival"? I think it's the latter. I don't feel like I'm doing it for love but in order to keep peace.
He's so volatile... but you'd never know it to see him teach Sunday school...
---Jane on 8/16/09

Ihave an anger issue myself, Ican see how at times my temper has made those around me uncomfortable . I don't like making those I love most feel afraid.
I mean, I'm supposed to be my family's life a provider/protecter. Right?
Maybe if you could help him see the impact his angry outburst has on you, he would be willing change his behavior.
I find my tantrums(lets face it thats what they are) are rarely based in anything improtant. An almost never directed towards those people around me. Its usually a stripped screw or some other such thing. And when I think of them in that way, I see myself as the 5 year old I'm acting like. More often than not, I find myself chuckling at my behavior before I really get a chance to be angry.
---Rich on 7/9/08

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Pray & Heap coals upon him with Your Kindness.
Mighty IS he that IS within you...
---Duane_Dudley_Martin on 5/18/08

YOU DON'T. God never gives man permission to be abusive to his wife. You must learn to stand up for your rights. This is God's will for all His people. "This is why we get no respect". We walk around with some silly grin on our faces. This is not pleaseing to God. You can smile when there is something to smile about, but not when Satan is playing havoc in one's life, a woman or man of God.
---catherine on 5/18/08

Stephen_Gladwin.You need to be careful giving that type advice to a woman concerning her husband. Her marriage could worsen if she does what you have suggested. She should never confide in another man concerning her husband's behavior and the way he runs his house. A pastor's authority ends at the church door.It does not go into your home. You need to learn this lesson as well.The pastor chould counsel both parties,not just one of them and certainly not the woman by herself. Too risky.
---Robyn on 5/16/08

Hi, you need to pray, pray and pray. Talk to your Pastor and ask him to talk to your hubby. If he (hubby) is sincere about going to Church then there is a good chance he will take the Pastors advice. God Bless
---Stephen_Gladwin on 5/15/08

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you should never stay in an abusive relationship, god would not wont you to be submissive to any one like that, first a man should respect his wife,glad too hear your back in church you husband will after submit to god before anything changes
---nikki on 7/25/07

Remember that a husband is supposed to treat his wife as God treats the church. Being submissive and obedient to your husband does not mean allowing him to be violent towards you, whether it is in words or through actions. You still have the right to walk away from abusive behavior. I'm not saying get a divorce but don't allow him to treat you in an abusive manner. In a way you are facilitating his violent temper by continuing to allow the anger. Pray to God for your husband and for your protection.
---Christy on 7/23/07

Your husband needs counselling for the anger, verbal abuse ALWAYS precedes physical abuse and it can be just as damaging, you should not be in fear of your husband, he should be a safe person in your home. You are worried, so get some help, a Pastor is a good starting point.
---Maxine on 9/12/05

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---Maxine on 8/23/05

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Lakesha, I think your words "he has a very violent temper (he has never hit me)" is causing some confusion here. Some are thinking "violent temper, oh my goodness that's violence!" While others are thinking "violent temper without hitting" is angy outbursts (ie: something very unpleasant to be around but your safety isn't in question). Because only you know the true state of your situation, I think you will have to consider the advice given here and apply accordingly.
---DoryLory on 8/18/05

6. you mentioned that you were a backslider, maybe there is something there that has stayed with you and you want out of your marriage. Something happened to both of you. Maybe in your backsliding you did something that he hasn't forgotten. I just ask to look at all sides and do the right thing. I pray that God puts your marriage in order if its His will for both of you, He might have other plans but God does not like devorce. But He can use some extreme means to get our attention. Praying for you both.
---lupe2618 on 8/18/05

5. Be submissive to God and bring your troubles to Him. Let your heart be true for the right reasons. If your decision is to leave it could be the best thing for both, but it could be a big mistake. For me it was the best thing for both of us cause it gave God time to work in our lives, Things don't change in a minute because God's work is forever. Check the things you do, maybe you bring anger for some reasons you don't notice. Look at your life too not just his. If there's sin, get right with God.
---lupe2618 on 8/18/05

4. Many times they are better off along then with someone that is abusive, but many times they regret what they have done. I never tell anyone to leave but sometimes been separated helps a lot and gives you time to think, not to get out of the relationship and do what you want, but to take time to look at all the things that are wrong. God works in the life of a believer because I have seen it in my life. He can change anyone as He did me and also my wife. But your intention has to be for God.
---lupe2618 on 8/18/05

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3. If she hadn't left, we would have been living in hell. In a marriage it takes hard work, from both. We cannot run out the first time there is a problem or even the second. Nowadays people devorce for just about everything. They get on line and get symphaty from many that have been abuse and of course they will tell you to leave. Now many are along when they could have done something about their marriage.
---lupe2618 on 8/18/05

2. When my wife and I separated, I went around telling everyone what she was doing and how she had hurt me and most all of it was true, but I never mentioned what I did to cause this problem. I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me and to not feel sorry for her. I was angry and only told my side the way everyone here does. I had a lot to do with what happened. I was the cause of many of the things my wife was going through and just didn't want to see them. Sure she made the move but I am glad she did.
---lupe2618 on 8/18/05

Let me say something that others don't ask. I think that you like many others come on line and want someone to tell you something is ok because of what you put down. First you say he doesn't hit you and that he goes to church and he has a bad bad temper. Your question is not what you should do for him to take care of the problem and how you and him can make your marriage work. No, you ask if you should be submissive to him. IF you cared, you would be asking for help to keep your marriage.
---lupe2618 on 8/18/05

Jojoby: If you read my original post, I said "IF your husband starts to hit you....."
---Madison on 8/18/05

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My mind is in a whirl just thinking about how some women can actually suggest staying in a violent relationship. Nowhere does God's word, to my knowledge, state that women should accept beatings from their husbands. Lakesha says he hasn't hit her and I pray he never does and I pray he'll start to control his temper before it gets the better of him or he will hurt someone eventually. I hope it works out for you Lakesha but be on your guard.
---Xanthi on 8/18/05

Madison, the poster says, "he has never hit me" Your reading into the question what isn't there.
---Jojoby on 8/17/05

Jojoby: If a spouse hits another spouse, all bets are off. That is where most ministers also draw the line. I have been with pastors who helped abused women move out of their abusive husbands' homes. I will always encourage a battered spouse to get out. Submission is not agreeing to be hit by a spouse.
---Madison on 8/17/05

Madison: perhaps they thought the words "how to be submissive" meant she wanted to keep the thing together. It is equally scary at how quick some Christians are to tell others to give up on the marriage, especially when that isn't what the person was asking ..
---Jojoby on 8/17/05

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, insist that he join you in counseling. it is important to find out what the source of this anger is. (it might even be drugs). and if he ever does hit you, RUN out of there and don't wait around to be a statistic.
---steve on 8/17/05

Paul: I totally agree with you and thank you for your post. It is scary that Christians are telling women and men to stay in violent marriages.
---Madison on 8/17/05

Phila, where does it say this in the bible? "No matter how violate ur husband is, u've to be submissive". I presume you mean VIOLENT, although anyone who is violent to a person is also violating them. Women are human beings not punch bags or door mats.
---Paul on 8/17/05

If your husband starts to hit you, get out. You do not have to be physically hurt to be submissive.
---Madison on 8/17/05

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We live in very stressful days where so many people suffer with short fuses. Anyone who is bombarded with stressful issues day after day (and I believe that's most of us) is likely to have a problem with anger, unless they are walking close to the Lord.
---DoryLory on 8/17/05

The Biblical word for submission means a voluntary attitude of giving in, a co-operating and the Bible actually instructs women how to submit to their husbands. Because women have not been created to be the leader in the family but rather the helper, this can be a challenging call when the home situation is not running in Godly-order ... but it isn't impossible.
---DoryLory on 8/17/05

1 Peter 3:1-2 (I'm quoting from the Amplified Bible because it makes this passage very clear.)

"... YOU married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be WON OVER {emphasis mine} not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives.
---DoryLory on 8/17/05

When they obseve the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him -- to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize and, in the human sense, to ador him, that is, to admire praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband]."

Verse 5 goes on to say again, that you are to adapt yourself to your husband and think of yourself as secondary.
---DoryLory on 8/17/05

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God promises in verse 1 that if you do this, your husband will be "won over." It might take patience and persistence ... and of course prayer ... but this is a promise from God that will work ... if you can do your part.
---DoryLory on 8/17/05

The NIV translation in verse 1 says: "... THEY may be won over WITHOUT WORDS, by the behavior of their wives ..." -- There's no point trying to talk them into anything (we all know many husband have a deaf ear when it comes to listening to their wives anyway(!) I believe that's why the Bible says you have to "win them over" by your actions.
---DoryLory on 8/17/05

Being submissive does not mean putting yourself in harms way. It sounds like your hubby is in serious need of some Christian councelling.
The bible also tells husbands to love thier wives as Christ loved the church. Anger does not portray that love.
Talk to pastor and get him help BEFORE he starts hitting.
My ex had temper as well and never hit until one day he started and never stopped. He even hit our child a couple times.
---Shaz on 8/17/05

No matter how violate ur husband is, u've to be submissive bcos dat's what the bible says. It depends on ur character i mean ur behaviour can change him. Just be cool and be praying one day God will touch his heart.
---phila on 8/17/05

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