Poosey, I agree when you said that abusers pick on easy targets. They dominate the person so much they only want to control them.
But I disagree that God cannot change a heart. God the Spirit is in the business of changing hearts. Jesus told us to love our neighbor, but he also said,
"If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple" Luke 14:26: Matt. 10:37) that is calling for a stronger love for Christ then to anyone, but finishes by saying, that if they don't take up their cross they are not worthy of Him. And any husband who does not take up his cross, it is because they are self-righteous, seeking their own.
---Mark_V. on 9/7/11|
Abuse is abuse. It is a blood crime.. no different than adultery.. Jesus didn't die for your husband to emotionally murder you. Love yourself enough to stand up for yourself and ignore the ignorant prattle of these scripture twisting control freaks.
---Leo on 9/5/11|
Pray for your enemies, do good to those who despitefully use you, forgive your brother and run like a bat out of hell if he hurts you......
but read your bible on remaining single remember to leave a door open for reconsiliation and enjoy your God given freedom to serve without committing Adutlery, He aint dead love !
---Carla on 8/15/11|
goody: Good advice if you are with a normal man but not if you are with an abuser. Abusers consider kindness to be a weakness. That is why they often pick kindhearted people to abuse since they are easier targets.
God can soften people's hearts but they have to be willing to participate. God will not make anyone love anyone.
Best to face reality in abusive situations since they rarely get better unless the abuser admits fault and is truly remorseful and willing to change.
---poopsey on 7/27/11|
you dont have to run away from your challenges, all you have to do is to pray for God to make him love and appreciate you and encourage you. and the other part is in your hands, you have to do things that will make him appreciate you and encourage you, try to spent time together and have more of fun and things you both like. 'A wise woman builds her house upon a rock but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. prov.
---goody on 7/26/11|
Contrary to being told we only have one side of the story if your husband is constantly abusive then I would give him fair warning and then leave.
This is no way to live and just because you are a Christian doesn't mean you have to live in misery like this.
Of course there are others on here who would beg to differ but remember it is your life and you are the one who has to live it.
---poopsey on 7/24/11|
I have a husband like this.. every time he mock me I just thought I will get used to it.. deep inside it hurts.. but its his nature being sarcastic with everyone around him.. I sometimes regret of marrying him.. and its realy hard to respect him. But it's me who is a Christian so It's right to turn my other cheek and ignore his flaws(being sarcastic).. be tolerant..and pray
---sizzy on 7/24/11|
No, I think this is a real problem faced by many women.
Women don't necessarily want to be in control ( OK, maybe some do).
But it's one thing to be the "decision maker" for the family and quite another to micromanage your partners every action and reaction. Women want to be individuals in their own right...not just an extension of their husband's tastes, preferences, opinions, reactions etc. It's hard to jump through the hoops of someone who expects you to be a carbon copy of themselves. Some men are very controlling and possessive. This is a smothering attitude that quenches the flame of true affection.
---Donna66 on 2/24/11|
Hmmm...very interesting point, Mark, thank you for your wisdom. :) Fortunately for me, I'm no longer married to the other man, I have a very loving husband now and I indeed feel blessed.
---Mary on 2/24/11|
I understand like you apparently never could. And it hurts women deeply.
---Mary on 2/24/11
Unfortunately Mary, most men would understand this if they understood themselves.
This is about control and the man who inside feels powerless wants control. Control over his wife, control over his job, control over his life. Everywhere that he exercises control over he does NOT feel powerless. Ultimately, he is afraid of feeling powerless.
My suggestion is that your hustband needs to get counseling help. One excellent book that he could read is "The Silence of Adam" that discusses us men and our struggles.
---Mark_Eaton on 2/24/11|
No Cluny, I think you're absolutely wrong on this one. Take it from a woman who's been there. I understand like you apparently never could. And it hurts women deeply.
---Mary on 2/24/11|
Looking at how many Christian women on blogs are always complaining about their husbands and putting them down, and how few men say similar things, what do YOU really think is going on?
I think women are just moaning about how their husbands don't allow them to run things.
---Cluny on 2/23/11|
Janet--It doesn't help much, but a person who "puts others down" is usually feeling quite insecure about his own worth.
If he does this especially in front of others, you might ask if it wouldn't be better to discuss these things in private instead of in the prescence of others.
Your husband sounds like an exceptionally controlling person. You seem to have tried everything. Try marriage counseling. If he won't go,
go yourself and let the chips fall where they may.
If he becomes violent, leave.
---Donna66 on 2/23/11|
I know how the poster of this blog can feel. My ex put me down so bad too, my heart goes out to anyone in that situation.
---Mary on 2/23/11|
LPhillips: Welcome to the world of marriage. So many people want to rush to the altar but does not realize marriage is not for the weak and faint-hearted. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It takes a lot of hard work. Since you are recently married, you have a ways to go. You are in the adjustment phase. Only the beginning. Reality is beginning to set in and the real work is about to start. You will have to deal with inlaws, money,children, meals,work. The list goes on and on. Attitudes,housekeeping. GBU
---Robyn on 2/23/11|
I married one man then on the way home from the honmeymoon I was with someone ealse i thought he was my best friend and now we hardly talk. He mocks my cooking then wonders why i dont cook he has told his family that i did not know how to cook i get so frustrated coolking cause how insecure i am about his jokes im always screwing somthing up. i dont want to fight and he tried to maouth off to me infront of his grown daughter that was over at the time (seems he does it more when he has a audience. it huyrts so bad then he saids he used to joke whith his decieced wife all the time. SHE WAS MARTHA STEWERT AND DID MOST OF THE COOKIN!!! that didnt go over well I was tore up.already haveing a very hard time right now,
---L_Phillips on 2/23/11|
Any husband who puts down his wife does not love his wife. And vice versa. "Not grounds for divorce", God says. Ofcourse, if you are not a true Christian, you do not have to worry about obeying God. Whether you are or not, you could leave him and stay single, until he passes from this world....Have a good life.
---catherine on 2/16/10|
Denise and Thomas: I am so happy for you. God certainly does answer prayers. I do hope you will seek Him in all that you do and get good Christian counseling when you reunite. My prayers are continuing for you both and your children. What a beautiful result from a very old blog.
---jody on 2/16/10|
Wow, this is awsome. Denise, it takes great courage for you to forgive, and also for Thomas. My prayers are that you will go on together always remembering that when we make a joke in front of our friends against our spouse to make points, it hurt the spouse very much and are things that are never forgotten. Make a pact that if you mention anything bad, to remind you each time when you are hurt. This way you will not hurt each other. Blessings to both of you
---MarkV. on 2/16/10|
Hi my name is Denise and I am Thomas's wife. I am very proud to say I am his wife and that together, through GOD'S WILL we are going to work this out. Yes, Thomas was abusive, however, I feel like I also have many issue's and that I need Christian counseling too. I LOVE YOU TOMMY and I am coming home to the most wonderful person in the world. You are my BEST FRIEND and SOUL MATE. GOD brought us together and no human will ever take us apart again. I LOVE YOU and am so PROUD TO BE YOUR WIFE. I LOVE YOU NOW AND FOREVER.
Mrs. Thomas E. McAlexander/aka/Denise
---Denise_McAlexander on 2/16/10|
Hello,this is Thomas:
I would like to thank Jody,Susan,
Tsuanne,Carla and everyone else
who is praying for us. I just hope
and pray my wife will forgive me?
She is in Alaska at this time and
I am in Texas.May God Bless all of
---Thomas on 1/31/10|
Thomas you have started at a good place confession now you need to take your situation to a reccomended Christian counsellor in the church and ask for help in mending your past hurts and lifestyle then you may find through repentance and sincerity your wife just may come back.
NO Promises though she sounds like she's had far too much and getting her back won't be easy. Your salvation is what matters everything else will be a bonus. ''Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you''
---Carla on 1/30/10|
Life Skills International founded by Paul Hegstrom has a marvelous program that can help everyone understand and overcome these types of issues. you meet once a week for 30 weeks and it is life changing to say the least. there are classes for men and classes for women. Many from our church including pastor has attended and people are being set free from anger, abuse etc. I have only attended two classes thus far but my life is changing for the good. I highly recommend it.
---Tsuanne on 1/30/10|
Hello,my name is Thomas:
I really don't know where to start,
other than I am a very abusive husband
who just had my wife of 26 years leave
me. I will be the first to admit I do
need help.I have been to several shrinks and take meds for my anger
problem.I was abused as a child,isn't
that the excuse everyone wants to hear? I hate what I have become,but I
don't know what to do? My father was
a very hard working man and never had
any time to spend with us.I do pray
to God for help,but I just don't feel
that I deserve any.I have three kids
who won't even talk to me.
---Thomas on 1/30/10|
Wow! I am sorry for your situation and state of mind. What do you do? Well stop focusing on the marriage and his comments and seek God and His love with all you have. Ya know, the Bible teaches fathers to not provoke their children to wrath as it causes discouragement. Even though he is a husband, I think it still applies to you. You are truly discouraged and possibly clinically depressed. Your husband has a serious problem. He should be loving you as Christ loves the church. You might want to seek professional help for the depression and even the marriage. I do understand that there is a line or point of no return in the flesh. It can cause physical illness. I will keep you in my prayers daily.
---jody on 1/30/10|
Ask God to forgive you of your sins daily. We are sinners saved by the Grace of God. If your husband is not saved then remain quiet and let your actions speak louder than words. Scriptures say an unsaved husband could be won over by the actions of his christian wife. Pray that God changes your heart and your husbands. We serve a real God, Amen? Pray the pain does not enter your heart.Find out what kind of woman, wife, and mother the Lord wants you to be and seek out that position. Pray and ask God if We said the same things to the Lord and he forgave us...even if it were our actions and not actual words..we sin before the Lord and he is just to forgive. God be with you and your marriage.
---Susan on 1/30/10|
With any abuse hate or critisim it hurts and no one is denying that but when you attend pity party and we all from time to time no one but us attends and when we invite others to our pity party it just re affirm the negatives that someone has assigned. So why stay there? It does you no good, your health, self esteem and most of all your salvation. Gods word is full of blessings and when we take them on board they are effective in releasing the peace and joy back into the joyful soul you once were. All I am encouraging is to pray for people who are ill minded and be the bigger person and love even thou it don't make any sense, it's not only Gods way but the only way out.
---Carla1 on 1/27/10|
I don't think some of you understand the damage done by consistent verbal abuse. I sure do and my fiancee is sometimes still paying for the unkind words spoken by my exes. For instance, one used to say "fascinating" when he was bored by me and now if my fiancee even remotely looks uninterested or is sarcastic, it takes me right back to Mr "fascinating" and stings all over again! Give this woman a break please!
---Mary on 1/26/10|
So he uses those whose mouths are not seasoned with the gospel and begin to kill, steal and destroy. So why entertain the devil with your soul, he's won when you depend on the building/people and not God.
Take back the territory Your mind/peace/salvation. satan has just cunningly stole that from you and instead of feeling wounded get out your sword the bible and and slay the devil back by showing kind words of understanding towards the lost soul that you live with and show love when it hurts and love when it's impossible and watch the devil change tactics it won't be easy but it can be done through Christ.
---Carla on 1/25/10|
Be sure you are being biblically respectful to your husband and get with some mature christian women in your church to minister to you... speak to your pastor and ask that the men will minister to your spouse.
---Todd on 1/25/10|
1.When a man puts down his wife it is because he has lost his dignity in not only himself but in his ability to elevate anyone else but himself. It's not just hurtful it is unkind and unloving and becomes debilitating when it comes from one who has the ability to show affection it suits him and hurt, hate and other shameful behaviour that depicts the devils handywork.
---Carla on 1/25/10|
First, don't let put downs define you. If you meet 50 new people in a day, there will then exist 50 new opinions about you. That's all opinions are, after all...other people's perceptions. The truth of who you believe you are MUST be defined by who you were created by and who you were created to be. Let Father's opinion of you be the only one that matters. Second, understand that his insults say more about him then they do you. Pity him. Third (and this is the hard part), treat him with respect! In other words, turn the other cheek, forgive quickly, pray for him and move on. Coming into full realization of the first two suggestions makes the last one a little easier. When you feel the sting, cry to our Father and trust Him to soothe you.
---AlwaysOn on 12/19/09|
I having been asking myself the same thing for almost 8 yrs.My husband does the same thing to me. Ignoring him won't work either, I have tried this, mine just keeps throwing it at me. Insult after insult
---Lynnn on 12/18/09|
When a spouse does this,there is usually a lot of unresolved anger and possibly,hatred.It is time to get to the bottom of this abuse through counseling or just getting together with him, to see if he will come clean with you. I can understand how you feel. This is a bad situation to be in with someone who suppose to love and respect you and vice versa.
---Robyn on 9/5/07|
i would say you both need some sort of counseling.... good luck to you
---irene7395 on 8/26/07|
Get counseling. You need someone to help you learn coping skills for this verbal abuse. I also suggest marital therapy for both of you.
---Madison on 8/26/07|
Janet: it sounds like your husband may also be abusive, but you haven't said that he is. Get yourself to therapy right away. Go without him. If you need to separate, do so.
---Madison on 10/3/05|
your husband is probably insecure with his role as a man. you should both seek counseling.
---david on 10/3/05|
It will not hurt to separate and with no love it will do no good to stay. There is no worse punishment for a man than to have a nagging wife and no worse punishment for a wife to have a husband that does not love her.
---gregg8944 on 9/6/05|
my dear friends think you but i have tried to do each one of the things you told me to do for 15years still the same thing i cant even watch a movie with any other race without fighting over it i also cant wear what i want to i have to wear what he wants no jewelry at all i feel like i am on a planet all by myself.... thanks anyway all of you i really miss being in church but i just dont want it anymore even now i feel like i doing wrong by telling all this i just feel so unhappy i feel so confuse...
---janet on 9/6/05|
Read "Divorce & Remarriage In The Church" by David Inston-Brewer, it may help answer your questions in ways you would be surprised. Your husband is breaking his covenant with you by being abusive and this is wrong in God's eyes. You would be wise to seperate for a time to see if he is willing to change the way he treats/speaks to you. You cannot feel love when your trust and need for gentleness and protection is shattered. Read Malachi Chapter 2 also. Be strong sister. Go to God.
---Maxine on 9/3/05|
I have been where you are. The advice I received was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it did work. Here it is. Act like his put downs don't bother you. Each time he does it, tell him you love him, be kind and gentle always. Go to God and pray for your husband daily. Ask God to replace his hurtful words with kind words. Like I said, it will be hard to do, and it will take time, but I am living proof that it does work! My husband no longer puts me down.
God Bless you and I will pray for you daily!
---Melissa on 9/1/05|
Only God can give you the love you desire. I have recently been married and have encountered some of the same. I have ask God several times to get out of the marriage,He always leads me to His word. Read scriptures of becoming one and ask God to lead you with His Word. Getting Godly counsel will help you become better and bathing the situation in lots of prayer. Also a good support group that can help you in a positive way.
---Darlene on 9/1/05|
I would leave. I wouldn't stay with someone I didn't love and be miserable. Been there and done that. I remarried and have two beautiful kids. But that is my life. I was a sinner when I divorced before, and got married again. Now a true child of God going on 6 years.
---Rebecca_D on 9/1/05|