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Humor Blog #7

Two can play that game! How about Humor Blog #7!

Moderator - Now NVBarbara is on the top of the list :)

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 ---NVBarbara on 9/17/05
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Nice Blog! Plenty of room and good friends to share it with. Now all we need is puppets.
---John on 3/18/08

That's funny Mary.
---Eloy on 8/2/07

Boss Hogg says.. "Them Dukes!" Believe it or not there is a Boss Hoggs BBQ about 10 miles west of Mooresville NC. I went in there one time to ask for directions and when I came out, my wife said that I reeked of BBQ. I don't even like pork, except for my friend the cop. We always kid each other. If he get's upset with a joke of mine, I tell him to calm down, take two donuts and call me in the morning.
---John on 10/16/05

<----------------------------------------We've got to go over there! # 8!
---NVBarbara on 10/16/05

Yea, Barbara, cause I was mugged by a Redneck Snowman last winter.
---Elder on 10/16/05

Why Elder, do you need a new one?
---NVBarbara on 10/15/05

Well, Barbara I'm glad to see you moved up in the class of people you hang around.
Any of em' got a Straw hat?
---Elder on 10/15/05

HELP!! I'm surrounded by rednecks!
Hey y'all, bout time fer us to move up!
Git er done!
---NVBarbara on 10/15/05

Well John ought times ought is ought. It all adds up.
---Elder on 10/14/05

Califonie ain't the place to be. I think Jethro outta move to Hooterville. Who else would be able to eat Lisa's pancakes??
---Sly on 10/14/05

Its worse than I thought!! You ARE watching the Beverly Hillbillies!!!
I see there are reruns of "Dukes of Hazzard" on, you may as well go whole hawg and watch that too! Oh the humanity!
---NVBarbara on 10/14/05

So you think I R 1.
Jethro does'nt know if he want's to be a neurosurgeon or a soda jerk.
Or the time when he was going to be an International playboy and roast some martini's.
Maybe he should cool down in the C-ment pond.
---John on 10/14/05

John R The Beverly Hillbillies.
(Did I spell R right?)
---Elder on 10/13/05

Well, it could have been worse John, at least you weren't watching the "Beverly Hillbillies!"
---NVBarbara on 10/13/05

Take a couple of Tylenol and lie down John.
You're under a lot of pressure, people will do things out of character under the circumstances!
After the wedding, things will normalize. If ain't seen the last of Ernest T. Bass!

A couple of sessions via e-mail with Madison may help!
---NVBarbara on 10/12/05

I can't believe it, Barbara is right, I'm watching "Andy of Mayberry". Please help, I think I'm turning redneck! What am I going to do? Nothing like this has ever happened before. Actually it has. when I was a kid I watched it all the time, but I thought I was over that. And please don't tell me to - "Go with it."
---John on 10/12/05

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Coming right up Sly, whipped cream?
That'll be the same price as a gallon of gas please....
---NVBarbara on 10/11/05

I wonder if it is too late to cater John's daughter's wedding. You better not mention this to him, he might not like the idea. I don't think he's up to having pork BBQ, especially the way I prepare it. My family isn't ready for it except for sketer. He'll eat anything if it will get him out of work. Last June he got the s----. O well, how about them Braves?
---Olie on 10/11/05

I'll have a Starbucks, please, make it a double espresso
---Sly on 10/11/05

Hey when you build a pot of coffee, you gotta use the real beans...people can tell if it's "chicory"
---1st_cliff on 10/11/05

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Ewwwwwwww Elder! You're a sick puppy! I like that in a person! "Building" a pot of coffee????
---NVBarbara on 10/11/05

Juan Valdez went outta buisness when they found out what he was using in place of coffee beans.
Too bad they didn't find out till his donkey died.
And Barbara thought mine was bad.
Ya can't make a pot of coffee ya gotta build it.
---Elder on 10/10/05

Ask a funny question, get a funny answer; Juan Vadez is busy with his new venture,hopes to open 300 "Juan Valdez Cafes" world wide! (NPR's Jenifer Luden)
---1st_cliff on 10/10/05

Where is Juan Valdez when you need him?
---NVBarbara on 10/10/05

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MP perhaps its best I don't use that word again, someone else may take offence who isn't aware of how that word is used here.
Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
God bless you brother.
---NVBarbara on 10/10/05

Deep in the Amazon jungle was a tribe that elected a king every year.Each king had a new throne made and the old one put up in the loft. Eventually they came crashing down! Moral; people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!
---1st_cliff on 10/10/05

Waiter...this coffee tastes like mud!! Well maybe it's because it was "ground" this morning!
---1st_cliff on 10/10/05

nvBarbara, thanks. I've actually found your definition as well now in my smallest, cheapest dictionary but it's not in my other ones. I've seen it used once before on Christianet and it quite took my breathe away so I'm quite pleased to know it is a genuine word the way you meant it to be also. Blessings.
---M.P. on 10/9/05

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Oh my MP, I wouldn't want to offend anyone!
That word here just means a nuisance, or a slang term for anything that "bugs" you!

Ah hah John! NOW I know why all my friends want me to go places with them! They can get the closer handicapped parking spaces!
BTW, I make GREAT coffee, I have a bean grinder that automatically drops the ground beans into the bin and starts the coffee brewing.
---NVBarbara on 10/9/05

nvBarbara, I guess the word I've bleeped out here 'The owl chased you down, but did it catch you? They're mean *******!' has a different meaning in U.S. from our meaning in U.K. It's not a word I'd use unless in context and to be taken literally. Over here some people (probably those who don't own a dictionary) use it as a swear word.
---M.P. on 10/9/05

Shhh. I hear a flyin Elvis coming, in the distance.
Why is it good to have a blond passenger in your car?
You can park in the handicap zone.
I'm drinking a strong cup of coffee. Does anyone know how to make a real cup of coffee instead of paint atripper and driveway sealer?
Sorry, that's not a real flyin Elvis, it's slappy's "Hunka Hunka burning love act going down in flames. Anyone for marshmellow toasting?
---John on 10/9/05

dit-dit-dit-dit-dit. News report. Contrary to popular belief, God is better than anyone can imagine! Praise Him!!!
---John on 10/9/05

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That settles it then John, you can never call yourself a Northerner again!
---NVBarbara on 10/5/05

I just received race tickets for next years big race in NASCAR! When I got them I suspected something was fishy. They say DATUNA 500.
---John on 10/5/05

Ralph, about the Owls, who gives a hoot?
---John on 10/5/05

Welcome back Ralphie.
The closest to camping I ever do is a nice hotel with a big bathtub!
The owl chased you down, but did it catch you? They're mean buggars!
---NVBarbara on 10/5/05

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---Ann5758 on 10/5/05

Hey everybody! I have been away, camping in the woods and got chased down by an owl. Now I'm feeling a little squirrely. Are there any owl's around?
---Ralph on 10/5/05

I hear we have a lot of Phonic junkies around. They'll do anything for a good book.
I have to make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here!
---John on 10/5/05

Why is "phonics" spelled that way?
Do they have a wing at The Betty Ford Center for people who become "Hooked on Phonics?"
---NVBarbara on 10/4/05

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The old farmer was siting in his yard drinking lemonade.
The ol' yellow dog was in the yard a few yards from him.
A JW came up with his literature. He saw the yellow mutt and asked, "Hey ol' man does your dog bite?"
The farmer replied, "Nope my dog don't bite."
The JW came closer, the dog jumped up and bit the him tearing his leg badly.
The JW yelled, "You said your dog didn't bite!"
The farmer drawled out, "Ain't my dog."
---Elder on 10/4/05

About a week before Christmas,Uncle Wort called up my cousin Flubber & told him he & Aunt Hairy were divorcing, & wanted him & his sister Melanoma to know. Flubber told them not to do a thing- he & Melanoma would be there in a couple days. Uncle Wort hung up the phone & said to Aunt Hairy "Well, we got them coming home for Christmas- let's see what we can come up with for Easter."
---Ann5758 on 10/3/05

Inlaws! This guy who had a mean Mother in law, got three wishes from a genie. The genie told him that anything that he wished for, his Mother in law would get double.
Guy. "My first wish is for 100 billion dollars."
Genie. "Ok but she get's 200 billion."
Guy. "My second wish is for an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie."Fine, but she gets 2."
Genie. "What is you final wish?"
Guy. "I want you to beat me half to death."
---John on 10/3/05

A couple drove down the road for several miles not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep, the wife replied. "in-laws."

(ty Mike!)
---NVBarbara on 10/1/05

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Where IS everybody????? I leave for a few days, and the place goes to pot!
C'mon guys, I could use a laugh!
---NVBarbara on 9/30/05

Thank you Lord! A little Elvis goes a long way!
---NVBarbara on 9/27/05

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
---Lisa on 9/27/05

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
---Lisa on 9/27/05

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Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
---Lisa on 9/27/05

Elvis has left the blog!
---1st_cliff on 9/27/05

Yea! That's what made him the hottest singer in Vegas.
---Elder on 9/26/05

While he's wearing it?.....ewwwwwwwwww
---Ann5758 on 9/26/05

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Barbara, Elvis wouldn't wear a Grass Skirt. He might smoke it though.
---Elder on 9/26/05

PLEASE assure me he's not wearing a grass skirt! GROSS!
---NVBarbara on 9/23/05

Elvis is alive and well and living as a chinese woman in figi. He or she as the case may be is singing at the "Grass Shack Loung" on one of their obscure islands. Shhhh. don't mention this to anyone, and if you go there and see Elvis, tell em bubba says hey.
---Randolfakabubba on 9/22/05

I got a whole jar of Elvis. I found it after frying some bacon one morning and put it in a jar, So I know where Elvis is at. He's still growing.
Have you noticed Elder and Elvis are kinda close? There is a reason for that. Elvis and I lived in different places together and ate the same food apart.
Ask Raznell J. Jones, Jr.
---Elder on 9/22/05

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Did we ever decide if the plural of Elvis is Elvi, or Elvises?
I think its like Tommy Lee Jones said in "Men in Black". 'Elvis isn't dead, he just went home.'

We have 2 Elvis impersonators that belong to our church. They dress normally for church, but oy vey the sideburns and greasy black hair is hard to look at!
---NVBarbara on 9/21/05

We need flyin Elvises! You may think it a trivial thing but they bring great joy to all the wonderful Asian people who come here to see America. They go back home and start doing these lousy impersonations of fake Elvises trying to impersonate the real Elvis. The strange thing is that, they love it! They can't get too lousy to get the boot. They love anybody trying to be like Elvis. If the real Elvis showed up they wouldn't know him because like a bad rumor the outcome is nothing like the real thing.
---John on 9/21/05

The proper way to "Twist tie" bread bags is hold the open part of the bag in your left hand, spin tight, place the tie around the twisted part and spin the bag over and over between your arms till the tie is tight while you hold the ends of the tie.
I learned this from Razenellie over coffee while Raznell was getting dressed to go to work.
He likes peanut butter sandwiches also but he likes to make the peanut butter with his feet. Kinda twangy though.
---Elder on 9/21/05

I see UK Alan has returned, I saw a blog from him on another post.
It seems someone stole his PC and he had to get another and install it.
---NVBarbara on 9/21/05

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Hey, where are them thar Flyin' Elvises? I miss em! I think I'll have a fried P-nut butter and nanner sandwich and maybe they'll show up! Hunka Hunka.....
---NVBarbara on 9/21/05

As Bill says, we women DO have a thing about those twist ties!
---NVBarbara on 9/21/05

When I close a wrapper on a loaf of bread, I use the Bill Engville method. I spin the bread and tuck it under. I made a sandwich once and forgot to take my hand out. Ouch!
---John on 9/20/05

I have a GREAT money saving idea John!
Have Olie cater the wedding!
Actually he could just make a few canapes' and no one would dare want to eat anything else!
They would scatter like flies saying they had to be somewhere else!
---NVBarbara on 9/20/05

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Barbara I will tell you on the next phone call.
I am not sure the "General Public" can stand the information. And, knowing how some people already feel about Razenell he may get mad.
You see he can get to me but not to you so if you tell he can't do anything.
He has a wife named Raznellie also. Does that help?
They ain't been around for a while but I know where they are at.
---Elder on 9/20/05

OK Elder, write and tell me exactly WHO Razenell is! If he's related to Jesse Jackson....nevermind! Jesse is from my hometown (I couldn't be more proud?) I've heard all I care to hear from or about him!

Yes, I've had my meds!
---NVBarbara on 9/20/05

Buying expensive bread bugs me. If you buy that Pepperidge Farm bread, its just too fancy!
That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and its still not open! That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast!

(Maybe it makes up for me not being wrapped too tight!)
---NVBarbara on 9/19/05

I promise NO CLOWNS!
---John on 9/19/05

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The best John in NC makes daily appearances!
I just want to know how you knew my alias here in Las Vegas, "Bubbles" and sometimes "Feathers" in my one woman show!
(J/K! it makes me laugh just to think of that!)
No fear Razenell. Elder has told everyone he might divulge this info, but then he'd have to shoot them.He knows with my memory, I'd forget if he told me anyway!
NO puppets or mimes John, ewwww creepy!(NO clowns either!)
---NVBarbara on 9/19/05

Hey Elder you be careful who you tell about me.
---Razenell on 9/19/05

This is also the home of..............
Razenell Jones Jackson, Jr.
This person is only known to a few people. I cannot in good conscience reveal who this is except to nvBarbara. (The reason is I know she stays on her medication and can tolerate the information.)
So the next time I speak to "The Kid" of blog fantasy and fun I may be cohered to tell her who 'Ol Raznell is.
---Elder on 9/19/05

Look at this, "Humor Blog 7", second home of the flyin Elvis's, playground of the preposterous, Slappy's sometime stomping ground and the lovely, the bubbly the ever effervescent, NVBarbara! Thanks Barb!
---John on 9/18/05

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nvBarbara it ain't funny if it happens to you.
It's like the fat drunk lady who went into a bar with a Duck on a dog leash.
The bartender hollers out, "Are you crazy? You can't bring a pig like that into this bar."
The woman says, "You idiot this is a Duck."
The bartender says, "I'll have you know I was talking to the Duck."
---Elder on 9/18/05

Greetings in Christ!
Thank you Brother Eloy!
Blessings for you!
---Mary_D on 9/18/05

Cliff, Just don't flush! And stay off the sauce! Ha Ha!
---John on 9/18/05

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