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A Short And Ugly Man Likes Me

This man at my church wants to marry me, have known him a while, he is honest and stable,loves me, but I feel only friendship. he is short and Unattractive. could he be the man Gods wants for me, if i refuse him will i regret? could my lack of attraction to him be God saying NO?

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 ---mary on 9/25/05
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sexual attraction is not everything, but is the beginning. if you don't have a beginning, you will never have ANYTHING. Everyone knows that. Stick to the basics. You will have no possibility of happiness without physical attraction. Period. Good luck.
---Dale on 1/23/10

maybe what you should be asking yourself is if you felt frienship for a tall good looking man (who had all the same attributes of this short unattractive man) and you STILL only felt friendship for the tall good looking man would you run off and marry the tall good looking man because he was tall and good looking just because HE WANTED to marry you?

if this were the man God wanted for you then you would have the same feelings for this man its really THAT simple ask if you will have regrets by not marrying him ...marriage is a partnership for life not an arm twisting event where one party "wants" marriage and the other party must forget about their wants to satisfy one person
---Rhonda on 8/16/08

looks do matter..maybe not to you personally but your friends will comment on this...i know because my girlfriend faces this a lot.her friends say she can find a better guy ..."hes so short and ugly"..but she still stands up for before you make a decision..make sure you can imagine yourself with him..these are the choices jesus gives us that will shape our future.
---karan on 8/15/08

Only God knows, and only you care about it..
---Ulrika on 5/30/08

It seems that some are putting the Moderator's word "ugly" into Mary's mouth. Ugly is a strong word and an unfortunate choice by the Moderator.

She did not say "ugly" she said "unattractive". This simply means SHE
is not attracted to HIM. There is nothing wrong with that in the least.
---Bruce5656 on 5/30/08

Do nothing until you, your soul, your spirit feel the satisfaction of "I know that I know" you (I) am intended to spend the good, bad and ugly of all earthly life with the man God chose for you (me). When thoughts of height-good-average-ugly looks are major,these frivelous fleshy lust stuff will have no pladce in your call to marry/unite.
---Martia on 7/28/07

I had always dated men that I and others had considered handsome, charming and popular. Most of them ended up being far from perfect in other ways and I had my heart broken many times. When I met my (now) husband, I didn't think I'd fall for him as he is just barely my height, balding and a little geeky. However, after spending time with him I came to adore his looks because his beautiful personality, fantastic sense of humor, his honesty and integrity and wonderful mind shone through. Give him a chance.
---Lea on 7/26/07

Think of it this way . . . would you want someone to marry you who didn't love you and thought you were unattractive? Do you think you would be able to make him love you or be attracted to you? No, you wouldn't want that . . . . you would want someone who adores you and thinks you are very attractive. He deserves no less. He deserves to be loved and thought adorable by the one who marries him.
---Gena8493 on 7/21/07

#2 Don't ruin his life! Please! Tell him that you can only like him as a friend. Then let him go and don't keep stringing him along and giving him hope. That's cruel. I wish you the very best and I will pray the Lord give you just the right words to say and give you peace.
---Gena8493 on 7/21/07

If you force yourself to marry a person you are not attracted to because you don't want to be shallow, you could end up regretting it for the rest of your life, or even compromising your christianity somewhere along the line. Wait.
---OK on 7/20/07

You answered your own question. You said you only felt friendship for him. This is not good enough to go into marriage with.
The biggest problem I am having with your post is: You sound so desperate. If you are this desperate perhaps you need to wait. You probably would not make a good wife. If this was the man God wanted for you, do you think you would be having doubts? I don't think so.
---Robyn on 7/20/07

Anonymous is right. Short men get the short end of the stick,sometimes. If he is handsome, has a good job(money) and great self esteem I believe things will go better for him with the ladies. A man has to work harder and prove himself more than the average guy when he is shorter.
---Robyn on 7/20/07

Get to know the man at Church better and build a stronger friendship and then wait a year and see if you become attracted to him or not.

If not, then he is not for you to marry because God wants you to have fullness in every part of marriage.

If the man is not for you in that way, be sure to consider his feelings so you dont hurt him or lead him into thinking you are going to marry him. Just be up front and honest.
---Brenda2 on 7/20/07

Love is not a feeling or Jesus would never went to the cross,He didn't FEEL It, was a choice!Where would WE be if Christ had waited till He FELT it? We weren't attractive.Ro.8:10 If Christ be in U,the body is DEAD...the Spirit is Life..Don't judge by the cover,thats pharisetic.Matt23:27-28. I married the outward,He was a purebred, dog on the inside.Look inward,not outward.BEST marriages started as friends.Life is too short,U want to be married, consider the why,its really about Godly companionship.
---Charla on 7/20/07

If him being unattractive bothers her my question was a reasonable one.I didn't make a value call telling her that she shouldn't marry an unattractive man,only if she feels that way about him would she want kids that look like him.Likely not.Bald,fat,and short doesn't equal ugly.NurseRobert,not my reasoning,came from textbook school used.Whoever a person marries is their own business,beauty is in eye of beholder,hopefully love lasts forever.I'm not shallow enough to base love on looks that fade.
---Darlene_1 on 7/20/07

Mary::May I remind you that Good things come in small parcels.what are you looking for a film star then go to Hollywood but you may rue the day.Because 99.9% end up on the rocks.
---Emcee on 11/24/06

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marry him god obviosly made this man for you
---Jesus on 11/24/06

If he has a considerable paycheck, carry a footstool around. Maybe not.
---R.A. on 11/24/06

Dear Miss,

If you only feel friendship do him and you a favor and just stay friends. The statement "short and unattractive" says it all, does it not? God will bring you someone and when it happens you will be overflowing with love. I think the reason you are just friends with this man is not because he is short and unattractive but rather somerthing else. Maybe your personalities are quite different or your age differences. Whatever the case keep looking and you will find. God bless!!
---Don on 7/17/06

I'm short 5'3".I have been teased a bunch about being short. Believe it or not heighth has nothing 2 do w/ a persons attitude, attractiveness, or personality. N fact it seems sometimes that short people R more happier then tall. It must B from the tall people bumping thier heads. I always have this saying...God made short people 2 get N2 places tall people can't. My advise Look @ the person on the Nside. Friendships R the best N marriages. Try dating & praying C where it takes U, U might B surprised!
---carea6568 on 4/18/06

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hi J do you concider a girl of 5/5 to be too short out of interrest?-:)why not write to me at ginna9563
---susanna on 11/10/05

There is nothing un-spiritual about only dating people you are attracted to. The only requirement God gives for a mate is that they are a believer and they are of the opposite sex. The rest he leaves up to us with some suggestions about character. I am a tall athletic guy 6 ft 5 inches and I wish more tall women would hold out for tall guys like myself.
---J. on 11/9/05

Have you only looked at the his mask?

You are not ready to marry him in any case. If he is the one that He wants you to marry, you don't know this man yet. You have not looked past the mask to see who he really is. All you have seen is his shell.
---David7647 on 10/29/05

I'm 5'7", and I was so totally in love with a guy about 5'3"....he was so round and cute, and his smile gave me butterflies. Anonymous, I sure wouldn't overlook you. I like the little guy.
---Ann5758 on 10/29/05

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There is no reason to be proud or ashamed about how we look, or how smart we are. Psalm 139:1-16
---Ulrika on 10/29/05

I am a short Christian male. 5'4" I don't feel I am unattactive. But I have been overlooked many times. I do see a preference by women for tall men. Oh well...
---anonymous on 10/29/05

God is telling you not to marry him! He deserves a woman who is in love with him and the same for you with a man. I went through the same agony for 8 years! I did not think I'd ever get anyone else so wonderful (and who faithfully loved me). I thought there was something wrong with me for not loving him. Don't settle for whom you can get, go for what you want. If you are asking other people than don't you think you already know the answer in your heart?
---drea on 10/25/05

On a lighter side: Maybe the Lord wants to bless this man w/a pretty wife and you're God's blessing to him. That's still an honor, to be used by God to bless someone else! That's been a part of my prayers for a husband; that he's so fine, when ppl see us together, they think, "What is he doing w/her?" And we laugh, and say "It's a God thing! He did it!" rofling
---laura2899 on 10/25/05

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Choosing a spouse is most important decision. Seek God by prayer/fasting UNTIL you get an answer. Allow God to open your heart, ask Him to say the right words. For either answer, yes or no, requires you to speak words of love/life into the man's life. We want God's will, that's where everyone is happiest. If, it's to be w/this man, in your search for the truth, God will open up the gates to your love. Don't allow shame/embarrassment be the foundation of decision. Marriage is a testimony to God's glory.
---laura2899 on 10/25/05

Mary said that he was short and unattractive. NOT UGLY. There is a difference. Ugly sounds cruel even though God gave me somewhat good looks. I also think that people who are overweight should be treated with respect like anyone who is thin. God has been putting this on my heart a lot. All people are made in God's image.
---John on 10/10/05

Heather, the whole point of the issue is that money does play a part in how some women size up a man. Wealth can mean different things to different people. Some women get offended that guys put a big value on appearance and that's fine. Should men also be offended that their finances are a litmus test?
---ralph7477 on 10/10/05

Ralph, I haven't read where any woman on here has said anything about "rich" men. I said financially STABLE" and know of no woman who would dispute that there is a very big difference between rich and financial stability.
---Heather on 10/10/05

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I cannot believe that this blog is still under discussion. I think even Mary left. If she doesn't want to marry him, she doesn't have to. If she is not in love, than what is the point? I believe God will bring the right one along. I think this blog is for most of you. Lighten up kids! I do like the banana peel thing, though.
---John on 10/10/05

MP, sorry for confusing the issue. Somebody on another blog made the comment that some women prefer well-off men. I got my discussions mixed up. Of course generalizing to say "all" women would not be accurate. As far as christian or worldly women, I've discovered that it doesn't make much difference. I've only had "christian" women and they still cheated, lied, pretended and manipulated. Actually it is kind of a sad world. Can't wait for the next one!
---ralph7477 on 10/10/05

What ever happened to wanting someone who loves the Lord. What about loving each other? Women aren't just possessions. Like a car, you buy the latest model. The Lord gives us what we ask, if we ask according to his will, and we ask in faith believing.
---Ulrika on 10/10/05

Ralph, where has it been admitted that women want rich men? I'm sure there are SOME that do but you make it sound as if a man's bank balance is the most important issue to women generally. Are you referring to Christian women here or just worldly women (and even if the latter, I'm sure you are generalizing to much). What a sad world this would be if what you say is true.
---M.P. on 10/10/05

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Steve, you go ahead and keep being honest about what you want. It's refreshing. I don't see what's wrong with having preferences. Would it also get people upset for an overweight man to desire a thin woman? Or for a man who couldn't sing to want a woman who could? It has already been admitted that women want rich men so I don't see what the problem is.
---ralph7477 on 10/9/05

Steve, I am just curious are you really for real, do you really believe the things you write? Or are you just having fun, I do admit I do find your responses entertaining. I hope you find what you are looking for.
---bethie on 10/9/05

Steve, You are as insulting toward women as can be believed. Your statements about women in the 40s are heartless. Do you only think of yourself and what you want? How do you expect God to honor a desire, such as yours, to have a young womam? I agree with Allen.
---Ulrika on 10/9/05

Alan I think you've discovered Steve's secret - he wants someone to look after him in his old age rather than wanting someone that he can look after in their old age.
---M.A. on 10/9/05

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Steve ... is the lady not allowed to enjoy having a man who is as youthful as she is, who will not grow old long before her, and who will not be a burden to her for years?
Get rid of your selfishness, man.
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/8/05

Mark, you're wonderful for the ego...all us ladies over 40 thank you.
---Ann5758 on 10/7/05

Mark thank you so much for saying that!
---Laure5469 on 10/6/05

, remember, if you marry a woman in her twenties, you will get her best years to enjoy together. if you marry a woman pushing fifty, those best years are spent already.
---steve on 10/6/05

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, mark, if you think women are prettier in their late forties, that's your preference, but the vast majority of males prefer women to be young and pre-menopausal.
---steve on 10/6/05

I am 33 years old... and I have seen ladies around their late 40's that are prettier than any 20 year old girl! So, If you are talking about beauty, let me tell you that there are mature people that look 1000 times better than when they were young.
---Mark on 10/6/05

So what happens when a beautiful woman wants out of a marriage because she is turned off by her unattractive husband?
---Delores on 10/5/05

Many stunning chicks LOOK for old wrecks, if they're wealthy and have one foot in the grave, and the other on a banana peel!
---NVBarbara on 10/4/05

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Steve, I was thinking more of myself.
At my age i would regard a lady of 55 as a stunning young chick.

I suggest yuo look for someone your own age, and remember that the life expectancy of a woman is greater than a man, so they will live older. That as you get older, means they are looking out for men younger than temselves (unless they are after the inheritance)
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/4/05

, alan, you honestly think i have no chance to get a "stunning young chick"? yes, you are probably right about that. but it is nice to hope for the best.
---steve on 10/4/05

Steve may be onto something. Maybe Mary is not so beautiful herself, yet expects to find a handsome man. It's very evident that looks are more important than character in this situation.
---Sally on 10/4/05

I have often disagreed with Steve ... but here, I saw straight away that he having a dig at the standard stereotype (at least the imagined stereotype)
There are of course many men who realise it is unrealistic for a shambling old wreck to hope for a stunning young chick.
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/2/05

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I always thought my "ideal" man was the stereotypical "tall, dark & handsome". What happened? Someone short, fat & cute came into my life & I fell madly, desperately in love. Unfortunately, the relationship never got past the "talking about marriage" stage, and we broke up (I still love him, by the way, after 3 years). What it DID teach me is, don't always be looking for your ideal. Your "special someone" may be someone you wouldn't look twice at..try a third look.
---Ann5758 on 10/2/05

Steve - Without the ability to see facial expressions or hear voice tones and inflections, it's very easy to misunderstand an intended joke. A - (just kidding) - at the end of your blog would have helped us know you were just having fun with us.

I think we all appreciate some light hearted humor now and then, so don't stop with the "satire", just indicate when you're joking, so can all "get it".
---DoryLory on 10/2/05

Steve if you want to joke then do it. There is nothing wrong with that. It only becomes wrong when we try to hurt someone with it.
---Elder on 10/2/05

, i guess i was being humorous about the way men are seen as wanting only young, beautiful women while not being handsome at all. it wasn't appropriate to put satire in the blog. sorry.
---steve on 10/1/05

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If you only feel friendship, i don not see why you are confused! You can't marry someone you do not love, simple!
Be blessed!
---kalig8456 on 9/30/05

Steve what part was meant to be funny?
Was it the part about you being ugly or your good qualities?
Ha Ha I did a joke too.
---Elder on 9/30/05

Steve you go on being funny. There are a lot of people on this site that need to lighen up.

Im short, fat and bald and I married a beautiful woman (in MY eyes) who was younger than I am (ok, its only 10 days!) We have beautiful children (yes, they really are!) I am truly blessed...
---NurseRobert on 9/29/05

Darlene, God made us all. Science? "knowledge, falsely so called" without God.

Thoughts of the "wise are vain" to Echad/God.

Saw an average looking couple with the most beautiful daughter I remember seeing! Genes jumped or God got involved!

Many real life "ugly ducklings" turned into swans [ouch]!

Implants, makeover surgery, etc. GOD DOES'NT MAKE MISTAKES/JUNK, REMEMBER!

---bob6749_[Elishama] on 9/29/05

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, sorry, my entry was meant to be a little humor to lighten up things a bit. i won't be funny anymore as i see that it is not well received.
---steve on 9/29/05

Right on bro. Steve!
---ralph7477 on 9/29/05

I think Steve is being deliberately controversial again. I'm never sure when to believe his responses are serious and when he just wants to keep a discussion/argument going. Steve if you are serious you deserve a long, lonely old age with that attitude to women.
---Paul on 9/29/05


You are ugly and expect your future wife to be young & beautiful? Surely you jest!! You want her to look past your appearance and see your good qualities, but you (by your own admission) couldn't get past an average girl's outward appearance to see her value? I would venture to guess that your "ugliness" is more about your attitude than your looks. I think we could all guess that you may be lonely for a very long time! Sorry...
---Crystal on 9/29/05

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If you feel only friendship, then don't marry him! Love MUST be present for marriage. But please don't base it on his looks!
My husband was in 2 serious car wrecks when he was young. I got to know him online, and he was so precious and special. We married 2 years ago, he had never been married and was very self concious about his scars.He has MANY scars on his face from going through a windshield.We both love the Lord, and each other, I don't even see the scars anymore.
---NVBarbara on 9/28/05

, i am an ugly man, but i have qualities such as faithfulness, honesty, commitment, a work ethic, sincerity. i do have some expectations of the women i want to go out with, they muct be young and beautiful.
---steve on 9/28/05

I married a man I was not attracted to and it was a disaster, you should feel mutual love and attraction to each other. Be sensible, only marry someone you love. If he was the right one you would just know in your heart. Thank him for his intentions but do not marry, love does not "grow" if it wasn't there in the first place. My marriage was an empty lonely place, don't do it sister. Wait on the one you are crazy about and God will give you peace.
---Anon on 9/28/05

Ralph, that's funny but not true. It doesn't matter to me if a man has money. I would rather a man who is willing to work. I prefer kindness to looks, and honesty to intelligence.

Mary, You said you only feel friendship toward this man. That would not be a good thing for either one of you, if you do not tell him you are not interested in being more than friends.
---Ulrika on 9/26/05

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You know, it is the TRUTH that sets us free. Every single one of us, if we were honest, would admit that it IS appearance that initially attracts or repels us. Now, I'm not saying that someone who is beautiful to us cannot become "ugly" over time or that someone who is ugly to us cannot become "beautiful" over time. BUT, if there is NO attraction for us to the other person, we do that person a grave injustice to marry them!
---Crystal on 9/26/05

Pay attention to what is in his heart, not what he looks like. My husband isn't very attractive, and I almost turned him down when he wanted to date me. I was only interested in being friends. We have been married 11 years now, and I would have missed out on God's wonderful gift to me if I hadn't said yes!
---Melissa on 9/26/05

I'd take an short, ugly, STABLE, and HONEST man any day over a tall, handsome, unstable, lying, lazy man. You probably will never know what you missed out on by refusing this man. If you don't love him, certainly don't make him miserable by marrying him.
---Sally on 9/26/05

Just be friends first. See if God has anything else in store for your relationship. Put God first. God looks at the heart and naturally man looks at the outward appearance. I'm 40ish now and know that I'll not be a beautiful swan on the outside if I live to see 80 or 90 and I know that my spouse will not be a beautiful swan on the outside also, but my spouse's soul and witness is beautiful and pleasing to God and to me also.
---EJ on 9/26/05

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Sometimes we let physical appearance get in the way of a relationship. My advice is to get to know him better as a friend. You may find yourself attracted to his qualities and want him as a mate, or you may just want to keep him as a friend. On the other hand, you may eventually find him to be an undesirable person, regardless of his looks. Time will tell.
---Nan on 9/26/05

Elder,no comeback, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder",I had written that before I read yours.Statement not based on my family's looks.Are features to society which are less attractive , and people who possess those features are seen,not by me,as less attractive.Society also expects more of attractive people,by their standards,than unattractive.Perhaps you are making it too personal for me.My statements learned info. No matter what the features parents begat their own image.
---Darlene_1 on 9/26/05

Mary-Now that you have had all this loving advice, I am sure you have a definite answer.
You alone will be affected by your decision. If looks and shape are the only shortcomings he has-call the preacher. If you have doubts of yourself being a wife to someone whose fire does not reach your erotic expectations, consider the alternatives. The perfect man will never show. God made us that way.
---chuck on 9/26/05

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