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How To Approach HIV Friend

Recently somebody informed me that one of my closest friends is HIV Positive and has been on medication for sometime. In our society HIV is a controversial subject and people never publicly disclose their status. I just dont believe that my friend is HIV positive. How can I approach him on the issue?

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 ---pkay on 9/29/05
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I have been married 30+ yrs for those who care to know. Since everyone hangs on to every word that I post. My marriage has been a happy one for the most part. So unlike you have assumed Jed, I have great respect and regard for the sacredness of marriage.I am the marrying kind. But it is not for everyone. I hope you will refrain from spreading your lies on these blogs, in the future.
---Robyn on 10/21/11


Jed: In many ways I agree with Robyn here. Please remember, for example David and Jonathan.

The friend should not take the place of the spouse. But both are necessary.

There is also another reason why the Bible refers more to 'spouse' and 'friend' (both are used).

In those days, 'friend' was classed as equal (we are not equal with God) but spouse was not(and so it uses 'the bride' because the bride was not equal.

But friends are extremely important. I would say what I say to friends to my wife, but it there was something I know she would not handle, and did not need to know, I would say it to friends

Not even a spouse can be all we need
---Peter on 10/19/11


Well Robyn, your last post shows without doubt your animosity towards one of God's most sacred creations, the institution of marriage. And you clearly resent his plan for marriage, the husband being the head of the wife and loving and laying down his life for her. And the wifes role of submission to her husband. The bible never described independence or being your own free person for either party.
---Jed on 10/14/11


Boo hoo for Robyn's marriage. Oh well. we can't win them all. Perhaps I will get blessed and find another great spouse when I am 70 0r 80 (hahahahaaaa). Men don't make or break me Jed. I have lived as a free woman all of my life. Can live with 'em or without 'em. Your type I can definitely, do without.
---Robyn on 10/14/11


Robyn, that's really sad. I'm sorry to hear about your failing marriage that you would put friends before your spouse.
---Jed on 10/13/11




Jed again: you need to educate yourself and learn the word of God,. Get your yourself some spiritual understanding and wisdom,while you are at it. You know nothing. You are way off base when it comes to the things of God. Jonathan and David(in the bible) were closer than any woman could have been to them. I have had a friend I could completely trust and confide in. I don't tell my spouse everything. It is not wise to do so. Depending on what it is. I have been married for years. It took me a long time to learn this. Friends can sometimes be better to you than a spouse. Not in all cases but it happens. Telling a spouse everything about you could be detrimental to your relationship.
---Robyn on 10/13/11


Jed:

You are confusing David (who had a man killed to cover his adultery, YET God STILL called him "a man after my owy heart), with his son Solomon (who had 300 wives and 700 concubines).

You asked: The Bible tells husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church. Is there any deeper love than Christs love?

John 15:13
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

NO man's love is greater that self-sacrifice. Jesus's love of the church is equal, because he sacrificed his life for us. But unless you sacrifice you life for your wife, if you DO sacrifice your life for someone, your life for that person can be greater than your love for your wife.
---StrongAxe on 10/11/11


Contrastingly, Jesus refers to the church as his bride, not his friend, because a bride is much more closer than a friend.
---Jed on 10/10/11

Are dim specifics of different forms. A brother, pal, best friend, advisor, defender,wife etc.
John 15:13
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:15
Henceforth I call you not servants, for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.
John 11:11
These things said he:after that he saith unto them, Our friend Lazarus sleepeth, but I go, that I may awake him out of sleep.
---Trav on 10/11/11


StrongAxe, David had about 300 wives and 700 concubines, and then even had a man killed so he could commit adultery with his wife. Obviously he was not the prime example of what a godly marriage should look like. I think in his case, having about 1,000 women, it would be easy not to have close relationships with all of them.

Contrastingly, Jesus refers to the church as his bride, not his friend, because a bride is much more closer than a friend. The Bible tells husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church. Is there any deeper love than Christs love?
---Jed on 10/10/11


Jed:

You said: Please. If you are married and you have friends closer than your spouse than you need to get right with God.

Can you show any scriptural justification for this comment? On the other hand,

2 Samuel 1:26
"I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women."

When David was eulogizing Jonathan, he said Jonathan's love was better than that of women. This means he was closer to Jonathan than to any of his wives.
---StrongAxe on 10/10/11




Do you honestly believe that the relationships you have with your net friends that you blog with equate to the relationship you have with the person you share your home, bed, children, money, and life with?
---Jed on 10/10/11


Robyn, You are so wrong, are you even married? A husband and a wife are ONE FLESH. Flesh of flesh, bone of bone. Are you one flesh with your net friends? ---Jed on 10/9/11

I understand Robyn some. The ecclesia is a form of friend/body as it one.
Hurt the hand or toe we feel it both in the head and toe.

Have some close friends. Internet is our mental spiritual link and letters.
The New Covenant Testament we read are letters. Feel pretty close to those men and women. Old Testament....same. But, that we could spend some real time with these. But, then we are aren't we.....

Pass those dang grits....sugar and butter please.
---Trav on 10/10/11


Robyn, You are so wrong, are you even married? A husband and a wife are ONE FLESH. Flesh of flesh, bone of bone. Are you one flesh with your net friends? Please. If you are married and you have friends closer than your spouse than you need to get right with God. Just because your friends may have an unhealthy and ungodly marriage that they are neglecting in order to hang out with other friends, doesn't mean friendship equates to marriage. It just means their marriage stinks and they are not honoring God.
---Jed on 10/9/11


"Friendship is akin to marriage." Robyn on 9/30/11

Ummm, what? Friendship akin to marriage? No it's not. I don't know any friends, or anyone for that matter, with whom I am as close to as my wife.
---Jed on 9/30/11

Gotta be those Grits Jed. Maybe a certain brand? We'll be seeing endless commercials if this ever gets out to the seniors in America. No friend's spouse will be safe.

Proverbs 17:17
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Zechariah 7:10
And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor, and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.
---Trav on 10/7/11


Jed you are dead in your head and all over. Your understanding is zero. I have net friends that were closer than a husband and wife. You know nothing.
---Robyn on 10/6/11


"Friendship is akin to marriage." Robyn on 9/30/11

Ummm, what? Friendship akin to marriage? No it's not. I don't know any friends, or anyone for that matter, with whom I am as close to as my wife.
---Jed on 9/30/11


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If you and this person are friends,most subjects should be open for discussion. If not--what is the purpose of the friendship? Friendship is akin to marriage. You should be able to discuss important issues and show your support for that friend. I would just take the plunge(ask). If he/she becomes offended, perhaps, you should rethink the friendship, and why this friend wants to shut you out in the cold,like that.
---Robyn on 9/30/11


StrongAxe, I understand and I probably shouldn't have said that anyways, even in jest. In retrospect, I see how insulting even joking about HIV could be to someone that actually has the virus.
---Jed on 9/28/11


Jed:

Unfortunately, all too many people actually DO really think that way, which is why such comments need to be clarified, even if they are said in jest.

One of the drawbacks of text communication is that you lose inflection and body language, which we often use as cues to tell us whether someone is being serious or not. In places like these blogs, I usually assume serious unless it's very clear that the person is making a joke.
---StrongAxe on 9/28/11


NurseRoberts, it's all good, no worries. :)
---Jed on 9/28/11


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Jed, thank you for your clarification. My apologies for my over the top comment.
---NurseRobert on 9/27/11


NurseRoberts, StrongAxe, It was a joke. I was trying to play off of the word "approach". Clearly, the original poster meant it in a conversational text and I thought it would be humorous to put it in a literal text. Sorry, I'm not really a comedian.
---Jed on 9/27/11


Jed:

What a curious position. HIV is carried in the blood, so unless you are exposed to someone's blood (for example, by sharing needles, getting blood into an exposed wound, etc.) you are at vitually no risk. BUT EVEN IF THAT WAS NOT THE CASE, it shouldn't matter anyway. If you turn the clock back 2000 years, the "horrible eventually fatal socially stigmatized disease" of the period was leprosy. Just look at how Jesus and his followers dealt with lepers. They didn't run away, but they treated them with compassion and spent time with them. There are many today who still do so, despite the risks.
---StrongAxe on 9/27/11


Don't approach him at all or you might catch it!
---Jed on 9/26/11

What an absolutly rediculous, uninformed, ignorant statment.

Jed you make some off the wall comments, but this one takes the cake.
---NurseRobert on 9/27/11


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Don't approach him at all or you might catch it!
---Jed on 9/26/11


I think there is no need for you to approached your friend regarding his health issues.treat him the way you used to treat him.wait for him to open up to you.that's the best time to speak what's on your mind or give encouragement.the mere fact that he is not discussing this to you,this means he is not yet ready for any discussions regarding this matter
---mj on 9/26/11


Hello! This is an issue close to my heart,I had a friend.. And I nev'r knew,but,there are always "people" who pledge on doing more harm than good to folks with aids/hiv & cancer,other disableling illnesses.. Upon 'gossip hear friend HIV ...All I did ley the family know if & when you need I be there for take care & help! Yes! The time came & I never ask for a penny! So,this my advice.. God be with you both!
---ELENA on 9/25/11


Think of this: if your friend had melanoma cancer, how would you approach it? HIV is emotionally laden but is simply a terminal illness. If your friend chooses to not tell people, it is his prerogative. Personally, I would respect that and leave the subject alone unless he wanted me to know about it. Prayer is your best friend.
---jody on 6/13/08


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Hi, I don't know if you can see my email address, if so, you can email me. My quick advice is that you want to tidy up your own emotions a bit before approaching him. I just got to know that two of my friends who are hiv positive.
---jo on 6/13/08


First of all pray for your friend and plead the blood of Jesus over their life. Because by his stripes we are healed and your friend shall live and not die. Jesus is a healer my friend and has more knowledge than any doctor. I declare it right now in the name of Jesus.
---Senya on 5/28/08


May I ask where you are from? you should just simply appraoch him and tell him that someone told you that he was HIV positive , and that , while you will still be his friend , or whatever , you wanted to make sure wether it was true or not because you don't like second hand news as it can sometimes be gossip. Then be there for him and maybe ask him if he wants to talk about it.
---BeckyH on 5/28/08


pkay:

The person who told you was likely breaking a confidence to tell you. So how can he, in turn, hold you to a similiar confidence? To whom do you owe a greater allegiance? To your friend, or to someone who has already broken a confidence to tell you this?

Also, this is probably also causing you a great amount of agitation and inner turmoil. This person had no right to thrust that on you. (I know, I have been in this kind of situation before on several occasions).

[Formerly Mark]
---StrongAxe on 9/6/07


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If he is one of your closest friends, ask him. Tell him what you heard and ask if it is true. If it is, offer him your friendship and support and continue to be his friend.
---Annie on 9/6/07


As a co-founder of the HIV Project in Jackson, Miss., someone should have kept this secret a secret, that is the person carrying HIV's job if and when he wants to. You can approach him and tell him what you heard and offer your support and love or keep quiet about it, in time he will tell you. I lost over 200 friends to AIDS never treated them any differently except sometimes to be a "Nurse Ratchet". Wonderful, rewarding experience for me. Love this friend will all your heart.
---Nellah on 11/13/05


The "somebody" had no right to tell you this "secret" You should challenge them and ask by what right they told you this thing.
As to you friend, just go on as usual, being a friend. If he or she wishes to tell you, they will do so.
Your friend may know that these rumours are being put about. "Somebody" is bound to have told others as well, and your friend would surely have heard about it.
Just go on being a friend, whatever happens
---alan8869_of_UK on 9/29/05


I would approach my friend and share my love and concern for him. I would tell him what I heard and just let him know that I love him regardless. If he insists on learning the source of your information, tell him. The fault will lie with the person who broke your friend's confidence, not you.
---Madison on 9/29/05


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Ask "the somebody" why they informed you about such a controversial subject. Nobody will drop a bomb in my lap like that, and then tell me not to say anything to the friend who i talk to every day about it. That's rude indescretion on the person who disclosed it to you in the first place, and then to try to control your tongue and say don't repeat it: you are never sworn to keep anything from a friend, else you're not a real friend. i'd confront "the somebody" for their error.
---Eloy on 9/29/05


I am from Africa.My worry is on how he will react.He will most definately want to know who told me about his alleged status.The person who told me swore me to secrecy.Its really complicated.
---pkay on 9/29/05


Dont, You answered your own question. HIV is a controversial subject. If this person wants to share, be honest, non judgemental, and follow their clues, be concerned, and offer prayer, showing yourself to a friend. Why? Because it's a rumor, that could cause a great deal of fallout if it's not true. If you are prepared to face uncertain consequences, take a chance, if you want to keep a friendship, let that person open up to you if there is reason to do so.

Stay prayerful,

shara
---Shara7667 on 9/29/05


I don't understand why you have to approach the topic at all and the reason you are so concerned baffles me. Is he a friend or not? If so, love him. A lot of things are controversial, but love for a friend is never controversial.
---Sara on 9/29/05


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