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Are Divorced Christians Failures

My wife has been cheating on me during our five year marriage and she will not stop. If I divorce, my family and friends will think I am a failure. What do I do?

Moderator - There are only two Biblical reasons that a Christian can divorce. A Christian may divorce only if your spouse has committed adultery according to Matthew 19:9 or if your spouse is an unbeliever and leaves according to 1 Corinthians 7:15.

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 ---Worried_Husband on 10/5/05
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God knows your wife is guilty, and not you, let no sinner accuse you for someone elses sin and infidelity. Your wife is the guilty one, and not you, and God does not tolerate this garbage: "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." Hebrews 13:4. The spouse who yokes with someone other than their married spouse is condemned. period. If you came home and found your spouse mating in your marriage bed with someone else, should you think, "I must not be loving my spouse enough." God forbid! No way! Both fornicators are 100% guilty, and never the victim.
---Eloy on 9/4/08


Stand tall and confront her about her adultery. Be willing to hear and process what she has to say if she's open with you and confesses. Women cheat, stistically, out of lack of affection. I'm not saying anything against you but if you're lacking in the tenderness department. Dont be so quick to toss the rocks at her yet! I'm not defending her. But I am putting something out there to ponder.

Consider marraige counselling. If you have a trusted pastor that helps too.
Last but not least, look her in the eye and say this: "Do me this much respect from now on-Either you're Honest or Faithful" And leave it at that. Either she is Faithful: no more adultery or Honest: She's not happy and wants out clean.
Good luck.
---Nicola on 9/3/08


She broke wed-lock, for 5 years? I am truly sorry for you, I pray that she gets right or gets out, for she is bringing diseases and curses into your home. Who cares what "others" think, for the victim is no failure, no more then the one who is beaten is guilty for the wounds he bears which others have put upon him.
---Eloy on 9/2/08


There is help for folks struggling with this abandonement by their spouses. You need to set boundaries with your wife ie: counseling, faithfulness, and if not-separate If their are no consequences and no boundaries, there is no place for her to feel the pain of al lthat is happening. Take car eof yourself, continue to walk as Christ leads, but by all means-set limits and boundaries and pray for healing. If she chooses to not go along with your boundaries, you will have to make some tough choices. You are not a failure as far as her choices go, but do npot fail to take the steps to bring hope and healing because of what others may think. Also-greta movie coming out called "Fireproof" take her to see it!
---cheryl on 9/2/08


The fault is not always equal in a divorce. As a divorced person of many years, I had a very hard time overcoming the feeling of being a failure. The church aggravated this at times.

My family were easier on me, still I felt ashamed. But believe me, your family and friends will likely quit seeing you as a failure in a very short time. Most of them would rather have your friendship and good will than to dwell on the fact of your divorce.
---Donna66 on 8/14/08




Lisa:-I have been empowered by your post to bring you hope.Trials and tribulations come, and sometimes sent in many forms mainly painful.Hang in there girl and be secure in the thought that all things turn out for the best.You have not failed as yet.I suspect adultery is a very unpalatable situation.we cant right wrongs but can learn by others mistakes.Keep god in your path and you will survive.
---MIC on 8/14/08


I know your pain. I have a husband that is doing the same. I know now that in order for me to be the person God intends for me to be I must leave. I am no good for anyone or anything because I feel as though I failed but I know I didnt. Find some scriptures and keep telling yourself who you are in Christ.
---Lisa on 8/12/08


No you're not. There is a mistaken attitude in some circles that there must always be faults on both sides. Not so: sometimes the fault is on one side (cf. Hitler and WW2). Of course, anyone involved must hear both sides with cross-examination (Prov. 18:17), but from what you've presented, you are the innocent parety here.
---Ktisophilos on 7/24/07


Perry: "Divorce is an option in Mt 19:9 but not commanded and not even an option in Mk 10:11-12."

Irrelevant in the context. The debate was between Shammai who allowed divorce only for adultery, and Hillel who allowed it for far more reasons. So the adultery exception was understood on all sides, so Jesus didn't always need to spell it out. Remember, what He taught, He taught hundreds of times with minor variations as per Jewish teachers of the time.
---Ktisophilos on 7/24/07


Only if you think it is. If you worked hard to save your marriage & it did not work out thne it wasn't done in failure.
---Candice on 7/23/07




YOU cannot take ANY of this guilt on to yourself. Let the "guilt" fall solely on the one who is guilty. If she will not stop, then kick her to the curb. There are plenty of great ladies out there. You will be surprised how much you really did not need her.
---Dick on 7/23/07


Divorce is a hard thing. Marriage is for life. Some times children are envolved and you have to think what is best for them.
You may have to decide, whether God is getting glory through your marriage. What would change in your life. Would things be better for you and/or the children? How would things be better? How would God be glorified without her as your wife?
---ms on 7/23/07


My step-dad cheated on my mom. The damage he caused was unfixable. The choices he made, ruined our family and several of his friendships. You are not a failure just because your wife cheated on you. She made the choice, not you, and unfortunately, you have to suffer the consquences of her choices. You need to think about what is best for you. Is she willing to change? Can you trust her again? For me, trust and respect is needed in a good marriage.
---Katie on 7/23/07


Rom.8:1, I Jn.3:20-24. [Children involved?], focus on them & not yourself or relatives/friends, you'll be surprised how everything else diminishes! Look 'outwards' not 'inwards'. Unfortunately, not a few Christ loving "Christians" in your shoes, or have been in them! Relatives/others cannot put you in heaven or hell [unless you allow them to!].
---bob6749_[Elishama] on 10/25/05


In the marriage relationship one can not always apply Jesus' "turn the other cheek" principal. In the case of Worried Husband, I would rather see him stand up for what's right much like Jesus did by throwing the moneychangers and merchants out of the temple. WH's wife has made a mockery out of him, his home, their marriage and the vows she took before God. Enough is enough.
---ralph7477 on 10/14/05


Divorce is an option in Mt 19:9 but not commanded and not even an option in Mk 10:11-12. Re-examine the book of Hosea. Whenever someone says DONT BE A DOORMAT they might be overlooking Mt 5:38-48 in the Beatitudes, where our Lord commands us to mirror His grace (like Hosea did with his wife) by being longsuffering to those that use and abuse us, and in so doing we are not so much a DOORMAT but instead a WELCOME MAT into the Kingdom of Heaven.
---Perry on 10/13/05


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Who do you answer to? God or your family and friends? Does God's Word say you are a failure if your wife cheats on you and you divorce? I don't think so. The Bible is clear on this issue. Ignore your family and friends and live for God alone.
---Madison on 10/8/05


First of all this is your life, not theirs. who cares what they think? Are you out to make your family happy or yourself? I'm sorry but if my husband cheated on me for some time, I wouldn't care what anyone thought, I'd divorce him. Until they have walked in your shoes they have no right to say anything.
---Rebecca_D on 10/7/05


On the contrary, I think your family and friends will have a new found respect for you. You will also have respect for yourself. The time has come to stop letting your wife walk all over you and for you to do what is right. The knowledge that you are letting yourself be a doormat is far worse than the fear of what other people might think of you.
---ralph7477 on 10/6/05


Dear Worried Husband, it is not you who will be the failure if you divorce. Your wife is the failure because she failed to remain faithful. You have a biblical reason for divorce, and remarriage if that is what the future might bring. If any of your friends/family say you are a failure they'll be wrong, but I wonder what they would do in your position.
---Xanthi on 10/6/05


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Failure in their sight is not equal to failure in God's sight. If Jesus allowed divorce in case of adultery, who are they to condemn you? Weigh what matters? Others opinion or God's? Take what is best for you.
---seble on 10/6/05


I guess, this depends on what you want. You want divorce for biblically acceptable reasons. Your parents and friends do not live your life. If adultery is an acceptable life style for them, they may live with adulterous spouse. Would they think you are a failure if you contract HIV/AIDS b/s of your spouse's unfaithfulness. I believe what should matter is to do what is best for you, your spouse and the kids.
---seble on 10/6/05


What your friends and family think, has little bearning in this matter. It's your decision! You have a biblicaly sound base for divorce - if you know she's committing adultery, (although this wasn't God's first choice), or if she states she is not a Christian. The question I'd ask myself, is "why"? You won't be a failure if you decide to get a divorce - although this in not my first choice. (Over 50% of all Christian marriages end in divorce and I don't think all of them are failures.)
---WIVV on 10/5/05


Do not worry about what your family and friends think. You will NOT be a failure! If anything, they may be wondering why you are staying married to her. God bless you and I will be praying for you!
---Melissa on 10/5/05


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