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How Can I Stop My Affair

How can I stop an affair with a guy who is my best friend? We are both married. His wife has emotional/medical problems and does not pay alot of attention to him. My husband is a workaholic and feels I should "take for granted that he loves me"

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 ---Susan on 10/12/05
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This is my first time on ChristiaNet. I'd like to know why one of the responders said the man in this affair needed to be with his wife UNLESS her illness was due to alcohol or drug use. Does this mean that if she was an alcoholic, you believe Jesus would honor a divorce but not if the illness was of some other type? I don't believe it is that simple. And PLEASE PEOPLE, recognize that if the Bible gives us any indication as to how Christ wants us to regard each other, he would not bless the way most of you have regarded this woman. CASTING STONES HELPS NOONE!!
---mary on 4/27/10


I too am having an affair and trying to stop it. My guilt is overpowering and making me physically sick. That being said, it does not make stopping any easier. I know what I MUST do, but I am weak. I ask God all the time to help me do the right things and to give me the strength to stop. I am still working on it ...
---Hollie on 5/2/09


How did you acquire a male best friend? Sounds like he made himself a little too available and with a sob story to boot. Is he a Christian? You need to separate from your respective mates until you have clear heads about what you want. Do you have children?
---Mary on 8/22/07


We are commanded to love our spouses. This is a command from God. Do I need to explain God to you? If not, then what you are simply doing is placing self above all else. Above ALL else. We are here to serve and to give. First and foremost. We are told to Love our spouses. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision. Get self off the altar and put Christ back on it. THEN, we will receive what it is we most desire in this life.
---Tony on 8/22/07


Before the sixties revolution, if you had an affair, you, your parents and whole family were shamed in the eyes of others. The bible taught to avoid evil like the plague. Morals, virtue and honesty were taught and lived daily. Now, no one cares about truths found in the bible. They engage in everything under the sun for self glorification and pleasures of the flesh. Oh what a wicked generation we now live in. Diseases didn't exist that we have today through promiscuity and evil practises.
---Lori on 8/21/07




WOW! Actually, "affair"ees are not hellbent nor anymore worthy of brimstone than anyone else. One person said to approach your lover and be honest. Excellent advice. Because one is sinning doesn't make that person incapable of making Godly choices again. Does it mean with your spouse that all is forgive and forget? No, that is a long long road ahead of you filled with real pain. It is a good road to be on and a good choice. Learn and therefore gain wisdom from you bad choice.
---shadowanddust on 8/20/07


You can stop right there friend. You n your friend are so inconsiderate of the vows you said at your wedding..including your partners that you married. Have u no consideration to the other you r hurting? You are so pig headed to do so. Leave well alone if he is not married to u. Lord have mercy.
---jana on 1/5/07


You can stop this sin like any other. You must REPENT and turn away from it. This won't happen though until you want it to stop, and you don't right now. I can tell by your non-response.
---Crystal on 1/4/07


You didnt say Susan that you are a christian. Read Rom.7:21-25-when I want to do good, evil is right there with me.We wrestle not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities.Resist sin, tempatation, lust and devil will flee away from you. May the Lord grant you deliverance from sins. Just repent and ask forgiveness to the Lord. He is faithfull enough to forgive your sins.I'll pray for you
---ana8864 on 12/31/06


God loves you but hates the sin in your life ,because He loves you .Because He loves you He wants you to repent . Sin cause such devastating consequences that the devil hides from a persons eyes .Sin causes pain .Jesus set up a Way of Life that is Life .there is Life od death blessings or curses Jesus says choose Life thet ye may live .Jesus wants you to repent for your own good and the good of the others concerned .
---linda on 12/29/06




If only we people understood that the way that seems right and tempting at times ends in destruction .Please run to Jesus for mercy and grace in time of need .do not run away run to Him.Repent and He will abundantly pardon .The people on this post have given Godly advice .the wounds of a friend are better than kisses from an enemy .
---linda on 12/29/06


Susan,
You will stop when you want to. You started because you wanted to. When your love for God and your husband is correct and you stop making excuses for sin you will stop.
Slam your finger in the door everytime you are tempted with this man and that will take your mind off of him.... or seek the mind and will of God. That will take you mind off of him also.
PS. The guy has a great "pick up" line for weak woman. I'll bet the bum is not arround when the house payment is due, huh?
---Elder on 12/28/06


Jesus said, thou shall not commit adultery, and forgive. Ask God in the name of Jesus, to take the burden from you, and he will. In Christ you are a spiritual being, and all solutions to spiritual problems must come from God, do his will, not yours.
---discipleabct on 12/28/06


I am also in an affair. It is such a comfort and he offers so many things my husband does not. I don't want to leave either. The longer you stay, the harder it will be. At any point, from here on...it will be painful. Tell your lover what you are feeling. If he truly loves you, he will help you be an honorable woman from here on out. Good luck. I need it too.
---AB on 12/28/06


This world is a system. A system metaphorically called babylon. Babylon is personified as a mother. She gives birth to harlots. These harlots and babylon herself want your husbands married to them. She boasts of her desirablility. Christ is a husband, he wants nothing to do with her. Jas 4:4 Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God."
The adultery is with babylon.
---jhonny on 12/28/06


I'm reading some the replys and I can't believe what I'm reading. My husband has had a 8 month affair. I'm deeply hurt and relying on God's strength to restore my marriage. Those of you that are struggling with an affair must know that the Enemy wants nothing more then to see your marriage fail. Do not let him win. Affairs happen becuase both husband and wife are not filling a need in the marriage. That doesn't mean that it's ok to have an affair, but humble yourself and seek God.
---Kat on 12/28/06


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By simply walking in the Lord's chosen way, you can repent of this wicked act, which is not pleasing to God and could be fatal to the wife of the other party and to your own partner it is also spiritual death for you. Adulterous "Christians" will be shocked when life ends and they are counted among the goats. If you truly "love" this man, you would not send his soul to hell.

If you love me, keep my commandments - (all of them).
---Robert on 7/17/06


Ralph ... read the question! Susan is a woman's name, and she refers to her husband.
---alan8869_of_UK on 7/17/06


If you are married, and your best friend is another man, then you have some serious relationship issues that needs to be addressed. Sounds like you both are looking for love and attention, but in the wrong place! You need to start with the spouse God has given you, and cut off any temptations, including this relationship with a married man who is not yours! God will forgive you if you ask!
---Ralph on 7/16/06


I would also advise you to go to counseling...as are my husband and I. (he doesn't know) Our counselor recommended we each read The Five Love Languages-Gary Chapman available in CHristian boostores. it has made a HUGE difference in our lives. You are speaking different love languages- he is saying "I love you" in a language you do not understand, so you assume he is not saying it at all. I have managed to stop the physical side of the affair, but am unable to stop seeing and thinking about him.
---suzanne on 7/16/06


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Continued...His gifts have selfishly been sabotaged by me. I don't want his witness to his 2 teenage sons be spoiled by our relationship. His wife already suspects. This is what I know I need to say to him but cannot bring myself to say at this point. I came to this blog looking for help and found condemnation. Maybe this will be of help to you. God loves you. I hope you find his peace and strength as do I.
---suzanne on 7/16/06


I am quite dismayed by all of the judgemental replies. You never know what is in someone's heart until you have lived there. I am also trying to stop having an affair. I have been trying since it began. I really don't have any advice for you, but I will share the things with you that I feel God has directed me to share with him: I want him to be restored to his right relationship with God and begin sharing his gifts with the body again. too long- continued in next blog
---suzanne on 7/16/06


you must listen to me please. I have been there. I made the excuses, I had the fun, and I shamed my husband. He was then diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer, and I immediately stopped that disgusting sin of adultery and asked God to forgive me, but my husband is gone now, and happy in Heaven, while I am the one suffering now from guilt. i wouldnt wish this on you ever
---tara on 2/8/06


Do you love God and His Word? Your infidelity isn't as much about your strained relationship with your husband as it is your relationship with God. Walking closely with God produces obedience regardless of the other person's actions. Get in God's loving presence. Repent of your sin and walk away. Let God show you how to pray for your husband and your marriage strategically. As Christian wives, we are called to be "helpmeets". That is a place of honor when we know how to walk in it.
---Tonya on 10/13/05


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Do you read the bible? God can give you the strength to stop the affair however YOU have to do it. Can you look yourself in the mirror? How could you? These are all excuses that you are using to cheat/lie. Do you remember swearing to God to be faithful only to him? Ask him if he remembers "in sickness and in health". I think they are called marriage vows? You sound like the show "Desperate Housewives".
---angela on 10/13/05


Simple: stop seeing him!
You choose to sin, choose not to.
Kep in mind, if your a Christian, that adulterers go to hell, read the last verses of Romans 1.
---mike6553 on 10/13/05


Think of yourself - poor, starving, and without the shelter that your husband is working to give and the children.... my guess is that without that shelter you might be cold. This might stop you. Then think of a women's shelter with hurt families and fear of a spouse that might hurt you. Then think of the sadness of God. God is sad when we sin.
If after all this prayer and thinking you can find time be thankful for you husband, you will stop just like that.
---barbara67 on 10/13/05


I am sorry to hear that you have fallen into this sin, and are having trouble stopping it. I believe what would help is a good reading of 1 Corinthians 6. It says there that you were bought with a price, therefore honor God with your body. Are you willing to tell Christ that His blood is not worth your fidelity to your husband? That is what it means.
---Madison on 10/12/05


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Go and get some christian counseling, and include your husband, all it takes is one to say no, for there not to be infidelity in a marriage, no matter how troubled it is.Trust and love are the roots of a healthy relationship
---Joyce9456 on 10/12/05


It is understandable if your husband is working "all the time" and doesn't have time for you. But on the other hand his wife is sick, so therfore he needs to be there for her. If it isn't due to drugs or alchol. You two need to figure out what drove you both to this point and take it from there. Weigh both sides.
---Rebecca_D on 10/12/05


Some of these replies sound judgemental, and we shouldn't be that way. Remember to hate the sin but love the sinner. Also remember that many people refuse Christianity because of the way some Christians speak, behave, where they go, etc. As Christians we're supposed to allow God to show through us and win people to Him.
---Heather on 10/12/05


The first thing to do is to recognize that it's a sin & be willing to give it up. I believe you want out of this situation that is why you are asking for help. Congrats, you are a candidate for deliverance. The next step is to repent & ask God for forgiveness. He will forgive you but then you must war against your flesh by renewing your mind, meditate on the Word and get involved in your local church. Will be praying for you. Be strong, let go & the Lord will restore your dignity back to you. Bless you.
---Beni on 10/12/05


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You guys, stop being too harsh on her, it will just make her continue. Pray about it my dear and remember, two wrongs don't make a right. Sit down and reflect on this issue and you have to make up your mind to stop it, if someone forces u, u will end up doing it again. Think about it, u r not solving anything by having an affair. Try solve ur marital problems, try and get somebody who is close to your husband to talk to him, if you can't do it yourself.
---yvonn3599 on 10/12/05


You stop....by stopping! You should be "best friends" with your husband, not your lover! I get so tired of hearing flimsy excuses for bad behavior. Poor you! Leave your husband and get a divorce because of your adultery and let this man to be free to go on with his life and not shackled to an adulteress.
---Dee on 10/12/05


Several Bible passages speak of sin as a trap. Satan plays on our weaknesses to lure us into these traps & we all must contend with them, to one degree or another.

Jesus came to rescue sinners. I suspect you're in a situation you don't really want to let go of. Yet you're obviously feeling some conviction or you wouldn't be posting. Tell God you're "willing to be made willing." Ask Him to work on your heart, to bring you to the place, where you desire with all your heart, to do right.
---DoryLory on 10/12/05


I really think you need to think about your life and decide if you want to be married to your husband.It sounds like, that the root of your problem stems from the problems in your marraige.Find a good counsellor to talk to.
---sherr on 10/12/05


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well..the Bible says RESIST the devil and he WILL flee from you. My other suggestion is to tell your husband, pastor, and your best friend's wife about this affair..that will hopefully help you stop once and for all.
---Chris on 10/12/05


It sounds like you and your "best friend" are very immature and self-centered. People don't get involved in affairs unless they want to and you pose your question as if you are helpless or trapped. If you wanted to stop, you would.
---ralph7477 on 10/12/05


Your all a mess wake up and do the right thing
---stuart on 10/12/05


Susan, you just need to quit the contact. I am wondering, too, whether your question is for real. Don't try to find excuses for your adultery.
---Gretchen on 10/12/05


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It sounds like you and your "best friend" are very immature and self-centered. People don't get involved in affairs unless they want to and you pose your question as if you are trapped somehow. If you wanted to stop, you would.
---ralph7477 on 10/12/05


You stop the same way you started. You just do it.
If this guy was your best friend and you were his you would not be having this sin in your life.
When you cut him off you will see what kind of a friend he really is.
You can only control yourself not someone else. It is your duty to love your husband.
When you get right he will to.
You will do what you want to do.
---Elder on 10/12/05


I am wondering if this question is for real. You just have excuses, excuses and excuses. If you wanted to stop, you would.
---shira_5965 on 10/12/05


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