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Should I Confess My Affair

Should I confess a three year affair that I ended over a year ago to my husband? We have grown very close in our marriage in the past year and I feel like a fraud because of the secret, yet I don't want bring him pain so that I can free myself of guilt. How would a man react?

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 ---Mary on 10/21/05
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If you have repented to God and you won't do it again, I wouldn't hurt my spouse by saying anything about an affair. I know most won't agree with me but I think it's better to be quiet. Now if you do it over and over that's a different story.
---shira4368 on 4/22/14


the truth will set you free. my wife told me of her affairs after 10 years. the shame a guilt that she carried made her into a angry and bitter woman. tell the truth and dont hide anything, ask for forgiveness from god.
---davey on 4/20/14


To: The Husband
Just Let Them Go
The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating.
---Bill on 11/22/13


Everyone of us is perfectly able to keep a secret, even for a long time. If you are now comfortable with your marriage and are genuinely and honestly repenting what you have done, keep the secret and make the most out of your relationship, or what is left of it. Lying is surely bad, but how much more bad would it be to hurt someone and destroy a family?

Also, consider the guilt you feel (which you will have to live with for the rest of your life) just the tip of the iceberg of the price you have to pay for your actions. And by the way, confessing wouldn't really make you feel better, in the long run.
---Similarity on 9/11/10


Mary, I know your situation is difficult at best, and there really isn't an easy answer. Until you confess to your husband you haven't really confessed at all. The secrecy will eventually destroy your marriage and possibly you and your husband. It would be so much easier for all of us if we weighed the consequences of our actions before we jumped. I pray that God will give you the strength and courage to do what is right.
---tommy3007 on 10/2/09




Mandy I don't know of anywhere in the bible where it says you have to also tell your lovers wife of the affair. my advice is not to tell her. you will bring a lot of pain to her and family. the main thing is that you told your husband. now pray for the other family that God will bring nothing but peace to them. just as that husband had an affair with you, he can have other affairs with different ladies. that burden is his not yours.
---Bobby1 on 10/2/09


I have confessed my affair to my spouse, it ended many months ago now. Shuld i tell my lovers wife about the afair? Is there anything in the bible to advise on this? They have kids as well u c.
---Mandy on 10/1/09


no, no, no. do not tell him. I did that 30 years ago and for 30 years he held that in unknown to him and once he left to visit another so called christian woman in michigan and then he returned home he said, "now we are even.!" do not tell him. tell God and ask for His forgiveness and freedome from guilt and sin and adultry
---cathy on 4/20/09


I am sorry that your marriage has gotten to this. To cheat on ones spouse for 3 years is not a good thing to do. You must know this already and the only way you can show true repentance is to tell him the truth.

You may never have your peace of mind if you do not tell him about it. I hope he is able to forgive you. If he cannot forgive, at least you would know that you did one right thing.

Pray that the Lord deliver (and forgive) you from selfishness.
---Emmanuel on 4/20/09


You must tell him, the pain and hurt will be huge but slowly but surely things will get better!
---ben on 4/17/09




Tell him the truth!! In my case, I found out by accident. Way too much evidence, more than I wanted to find. The first lie was horrible, then I found more truth. I confronted her. She couldn't even deny it, wouldn't deny it ... but wouldn't tell the truth either. She kept running to him every time it came up and she was upset. He apologized but she has not. I told her that she can not hurt me anymore than she already has ... but still no admission. I told her I forgive her, which I truly do. I just want her to be repenatant, sorry and move on. Tell him!
---John on 3/21/09


Three years in absolute darkness. You were comfortable living a lie for that long and now are intending on living another lie for the future.

You have wronged this man and god. The reason you need to tell him is that if he knows he can make a decision for himself on what needs to be done based on the truth. Matthew 5:32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

And, lies are not of god.
---Wal_Rev on 11/23/08


Again dont know who this frank is, but I feel, if you cant find a way to forgive all.
You do not have the love of God.
For thinking just a thing (stoned to death) is this of God?

May God forgive you brother!
---Frank on 11/18/08


If it is merely to make yourself feel better and will not bring anything to your marriage except destruction, then no, I would not bring this topic up (sorry to make it sound so trivial but you know what I mean - let sleeping dogs lie). If he finds out somehow, then is the time to be full with the information. I don't think this is deception, it is protection of him from the unpleasant truth that now cannot be changed. If God forgave you you should not condemn yourself forever. Watch the old version of Titanic (1953). Life is too short to risk someone else's happiness for your peace of mind.
---frances008 on 11/18/08


How would he react IF he finds out thru the grape vine or on his own? the pain would be horrible, much worse than if U TELL HIM.I found out on my own that my wife was cheating on me & I think people who cheat on their spouses should be taken out 2 a field and stoned to death. Sorry, I am still a little bitter. SO, if you can live a lie or live with the guilt of a disgusting nasty affair, have at it.OR can you bite the bullet, face the storm of emotions, know that if U 2 were meant 2 be together nothing can stop that. TELL THE TRUTH NO MATTER WHAT! if U had to post a blog for advice, U prolly will end up NOT telling him & shame on U. U don't need outsiders advice on how 2 talk 2 your spouse that you are sooooooo close 2.
---Frank on 11/17/08


Do not do it. While separated from my husband, I had a one night experience with someone I was emotionally attracted to. I went back to my husband to work on the marriage. I felt the need to tell the truth, and I did. and it crushed him! It devastated him. I believed that God would protect my marriage and bless it if I told the truth. Sure it was commendable of me but the sin was between me and God as I sinned against God. i will continue this in my next reply as am running out of room
---Nina on 11/17/08


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I never should have told my husband. we worked on our marriage and all was well for 3 years but the pain was still there and ultimately he cheated on me, not once but twice. and then he left me for the second person even though I was ready to forgive and move on and work on our marriage. my confessing only hurt him, the pain was so deep that as he stated he always thought i was his then he found out i was someone else's, i first defiled the marriage bed. and he never got over it. i believe my sin and my confession ultimately led to his sin and the destruction of our marriage. i should never have told him. trust God, ask for forgivness and repent and move on. This is between you and God.
---Nina on 11/17/08


I think it is better not to confess, as long as you have repented and have learnt from your mistake, this is the most important.
---Unknown on 11/16/08


May God give you the wisdom to do what is right. My husband cheated on me in 2001 and I kiss another man 4 years ago and confess to him what I had done out of revenge.I was repentive to God and ask my husband for forgiveness but he changed, he became abusive and goes out late at night to clubs. He wanted a divorce.We both came from christian families and been married for 14 years. But I do have faith our marriage will be saved be God grace and love.You will be in my prayers, May God direct you.
---Dina on 4/26/08


He has a right to know. You are constantly lying to him by not telling him. Do not use fact that you have not cheated in a yr as an excuse. You seem to not care about his feelings? You would only tell him to rid YOURSELF of the guilt? I can see why you feel like a fraud. you are living a daily lie and have been for yrs.
You sinned and need to confess before God and your husband. The secrets will not stop if you do not confess. Someday he will find out somehow and then it will be worse.
---Shaz on 4/3/08


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Only if you want to be divorced.
---Dan on 8/19/07


Mary it's already 2007, I hope by this time u have already confessed and moved on in your relationship.

God Bless!!
---Marcia on 8/19/07


I had an affair and went to confession, mine2 was 3 year and I was told to repent to God This didn't sit with me for too long, and I decided that I needed to confess to my husband. I did and told him eveyrthing He filed for divorce the next day. We have 4 children that are now torn between homes and lives that should not have had to suffer my mistake. I know now that if I would have waited or taken the advice we would have made it thru - but you have to decide what is best for you
---tc on 8/18/07


I have been in your exact shoes.
I know your feelings of guilt are unbearable. and yes, you do feel like a fraud. But think about this - when Jesus stopped the crowd from stoning the adulterous woman, he forgave her first, and then told her to turn from her sin, 'go and sin no more'...Did you notice? He didn't even call her husband. That was enough for me.
---Alex on 8/2/07


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My wife had an affair on me. He was my best friend and the pastor of the church attended for more than 10 years. I would not tell him. I have been depressed now for more than 2 years. I use to trust everyone and now I trust no one. It will devestate him!!!!!
---Scott on 7/25/07


I would want to know the women I call wife, lover and friend is and has been honest. He has right to know. Your secret WILL come out and let me tell you, is better if tell him not someone else. You are living a lie. He was not only sleeping with you but with person you had affair with. My ex had affair and kept it from me for over a yr. I was more angry about secret than about the affair. the dishonesty and lies are like a knife to the heart.
---Craig on 5/4/07


I think you should confess. The Bible says to confess our sins to one another.

But think about it, won't this cloud of guilt hanging over your head serve to undermine and possibly end your relationship anyway?

It is likely your spouse will find out anyway, they often do.

Waiting to confess will only add to the pain you cause your betrayed spouse and it is much better for them to find out from you instead of some other way and find out sooner rather than later.
---Bob on 5/5/06


Mary, I don't know how you should handle this with your husband. But you need to tell someone trustworthy (maybe a counselor) beside us. I've been in a situation similar to yours. Psalm 32 Vs. 3,4 says "when I kept silent, my bones grew old...for day and night Your hand was heavy upon me. My vitality was turned into the drought of summer".Vs 5...I said I will confess my transgressions to the Lord. And you forgave my iniquity". Repent. The rest of the psalm is for guidance annd healing.
---Donna on 3/1/06


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I hate to say this, but by keeping this a secret and the fact that you had an affair in the first place, you ARE a fraud! Your husband was decieved into thinking he had a faithful wife, when in fact he didn't. How do you know that you don't have a STD and past it onto your husband! I know this from experiance. My family member died of AIDS because his wife cheated on him. You confess and let God do the rest.
---BENNA5383 on 3/1/06


My ex was running around on me, I knew it, he lied and said I was crazy. Others knew it too but wouldn't tell me. When I caught him in bed with my best friend, well, it was the best thing that ever happened to me! I was hurt and angry that no one had come to me and told me what was going on behind my back. I say be honest and tell your husband, pray about it first. Counselling may be the only way to fix your marriage, but don't keep this a secret.
---Nellah on 12/6/05


I just found out Saturday that my husband was having an affair. Ask yourself this question..."would I want to know if my husband was having an affair?" If you answer yes to that, then you will know your answer.
---Mary on 12/6/05


That is ok sister Dory, I didn't make that clear. This is a hard decision and she really has to think very clearly. No one can make up her mind. I sure don't have the answer. God in some way will lead her to what is best, maybe it will hurt a lot and maybe only a little, we sure don't know. Prayer is so important. In my case I didn't need to know. I was glad and thankful to God for bringing her back. What a miracle.
---Lupe2618 on 10/23/05


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Sorry, Lupe ... I misunderstood your post. :)
---DoryLory on 10/22/05


Mary, everyone has an opinion but you have to pray about this. God knows your heart....and you know your husband better than anyone here on Christianet does. Don't be so hard on yourself....we all have sinned and God is just forgive. If you should tell him, God will lead you in that direction. Only God knows what is best. Really pray a long time about this as it could bring a lot of hurt to many people who might not have to be.
---Elaine on 10/22/05


Mary: Before you tell your husband, I suggest you seek therapy to learn what is going on in you that you would be unfaithful to him. That would also give you support to deal with any fallout once you do tell him. Be prepared for the worst. It may very well happen.
---Madison on 10/22/05


I beleive the only reason you want to tell him is because you have guilt.Since you are getting along great I would leave it that way.Telling him is only going to hurt him and your relationship. You have repented and are no longer doing this. Leave it at that. The Lord has forgiven you. Telling him could very easily end the marriage.What will you have gained then? Bro. JOhn
---john on 10/22/05


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Seek the Lord only, not man's opinions. What one may have been led to do may not be what you are led to do. If you try to walk in another man's revelation, you will trip and fall. The revelation of Jesus Christ the Holy Spirit gives you will give you the grace to walk in your own experience of Him.
---Deborah on 10/22/05


We know that all sin has been dealt with through the cross. We also know that Jesus is the faithful and true witness. Maybe your husband already "knows" but has chosen not to bring it up. I find it hard to believe that he would not "know" if you and he have grown so close over the past year. There is something in a spouse that just knows things like this, even without physical evidence.
---Deborah on 10/22/05


This is a situation that has no specific answer except for the revelation of Jesus that can only be given personally to you by the Holy Ghost. Lupe's example was awesome but like DoryLory said, he already knew of his wife's unfaithfulness but chose not to ask for details when she came home. He sought the Lord and received the answer (and the grace) he needed to walk through all of it.
---Deborah on 10/22/05


Hello Dory, I was never aware that my wife slept with anyone. I didn't think it would make any difference when she was to meet the Lord. What I meant was that I would rather not know and leave it to God, because I am not her judge, plus it would have distroyed so much we put together. Maybe right now I would not feel love for her because of it, I don't know. My experience is not like everyone's. I wanted to show her another trial in someone else.
---Lupe2618 on 10/22/05


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Lupe, the difference between your situation and Mary's is that you were aware of your wife's unfaithfulness, she wasn't hiding anything. You were spared the details by your own choosing.

Mary, I don't have any advice for you except that if there is a chance your husband will find out from another source, you must come forward first. And if you do decide to tell him, pray diligently (for several weeks) that the Lord would prepare his heart to receive this information.
---DoryLory on 10/22/05


I believe many here will disagree with my answer and I am sorry. I can only speak for me and what I viewed looking at the question from my life. We are all human and we all sin. We make mistakes over and over, some more serious then the next. Many things have to be taken into account, like diease and other things. So before you make a choice, ask God, what to do. I will pray for you and your family.
---Lupe2618 on 10/22/05


5. that God put her in my path. I believe as humans we think of ourselves and what we want, kind of selfish. I don't know what you will do but I know it is not easy. you have to look at all things and ask God to help you make the right choice. I loved my wife and never wanted to think of her any different. She had to answer to God in the end and not to me. She made a mistake and I know God forgave her. That to me was all that really mattered in the end.
---Lupe2618a on 10/22/05


4. My answer was that I had to forgive her and everything that went with it. Inside I did want to know but I knew it was not worth knowing for even if we continued in marriage I would always remember it and maybe it would change me. My wife came back after one year and a year later she was saved. eight years later she died. Before she died she wanted to tell me something about the time she was gone and I told her it didn't matter. I am glad she didn't tell me. I know inside my heart I was so blessed
---Lupe2618 on 10/22/05


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3. what she did and why. This is my point. I felt that she was not mine but God's. That she was willing to share her life with me and that I didn't own her. That she had put so much into our marriage and given of herself that I was just happy that she did. She had given me children that I love and so many other things. But I knew also if she told me what she did it would only leave pain in my life. God had promised and He came through and now I had to think what He would want me to do.
---Lupe2618 on 10/22/05


2. I take a different view in some way and don't take this to be the answer either. My wife left home one day and she was having a great time partying in the bars and with man. I prayed for God to bring her back so much cause I loved her so much. I told God to restore my marriage and I would do anything He wanted me to do. I waited for her for a year and always kept the door open for her to come back. After a year she did come back without having to answer to me.
---Lupe2618 on 10/22/05


Sister Mary, I answer very few questions that are personal. I will sometimes if I can answer in a way it will help. Many here say, repent to God, tell your husband, not only for your guilt but so that he knows, and take your chances. I believe most of us feel the same way. No one likes to see or hear another get hurt by our stupid mistakes. I will give you how I feel and why. This matter happened to me. I believe everyone wants to know if we have been betrayed or cheated.
---Lupe2618 on 10/22/05


Hi,
God's Word says Thous shalt not commit adultery. Exodus 20:14 What has happened is that the marriage vows you took before God and your friends has been broken.


1) Ask God to forgive you and recommit to Him your marriage.

2) Tell your husband.You owe it to him. He'll react to it naturally.

3) If he agrees to stay, go get counseling from your pastor, and in time with God's help you might could have that first love for each other all over again.
Prayers,
Alicia
---Alicia on 10/22/05


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How would a man react? I can only speak for myself. The question is how would you react when you received the divorce papers because that would be my response. There is no free lunch, there will be consequences down the road. Legally he is still your husband but you ended the marriage 4 years ago. I wouldn't think twice.
---ralph7477 on 10/22/05


you should definately tell him. The sooner the better. But first get your intentions and motives straight for doing so. Pray a lot about this. God is great, understanding, forgiving and merciful!~
---natasha on 10/22/05


Your husband has every right to know about your affair. He will probably be angry but can you really blame him? He needs to know! Look what you done to him. You cheeted and Lied to the man. You might feel more comfortable talk to your pastor & see if you can tell him with your pastor there. You got to do it. like the others said it will be a lot worse if he finds out through someone else instead of you. You also must confess your sin to God and ask forgiveness.
---Beth on 10/22/05


Once you know the answers as to the "why" you had this affair, and why you stopped it, than tell your husband. BUT, select you timing. Make sure you have time to explain everything, with why you stopped first. No one should be around or within hearing distance! Take the phone off the hook. Don't try and justify it - that will only make matters worse. What will happen? Who knows - but better now than later when he may hear about it from a third party.
---WIVV on 10/21/05


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Wow! 3 yrs of lies and cheating!
I feel sorry for your husband for what is in store. If you do not tell him someone will.
I would think it would be better coming from you. You owe him the truth no matter how much it hurts. Guilt should be the least of your worries now. You need to have a heart to heart withb your husband and with God.
Confession is good for the soul and he NEEDS to know the truth already
---Darren on 10/21/05


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