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Help With Husband's Anger

I've been married 10 years. We have twin babies and Kyle takes all of his anger out on me. He's hit me a few times, but I can't leave. I took vows till death do us part and to stay in good times and bad. Can anyone guide me to some scripture that can unload the hurt I am feeling?

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 ---Rebecca on 11/2/05
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if you are in day to day fear of getting hurt, your husband has betrayed his vows, and you should at least separate for a while. and make it clear to him that something needs to change. if he refuses, you may have to make some tough choices. my wife and i used to beat each other up. spit in each others faces. it was bad. i was very ashamed and so was she. we used to set each other off and we were both guilty. we almost separated for good. but we both repented and humbled ourselves and prayed together. we now have two beautiful kids and have not had a physical fight in 8 years. praise god. we have a really good relationship now. god will answer your prayers. pray for healing, peace, and patience.
---healed on 2/14/09

If he hits you, you may be in danger, and so may your children. If you feel you are in danger ... LEAVE and go to a place of safety. Don't wait for him to injure you.

Physical violent abuse is as much a betrayal of his marriage vows as adultery.
---alan8566_of_UK on 2/13/09

First, you already understand that your husband does not respect you - he has demonstrated that by hitting you.

You also need to understand that you must have respect for yourself. It would be of benefit to both of you to first seek counseling from a certified counselor in marriage as well as a pastor. Exhaust all remedies available to you before deciding to leave. Your husband needs to recognize he has a problem, and you need to get counseling to deal with the problem. If you feel you are in danger physically, or your children are in danger, do not stay, but seek refuge somewhere to protect yourselves. You can work on the marriage from a distance, and it may jerk him into the realization that this is a very serious matter.
---Cara on 2/13/09

My dear friend:>We all have our religion beliefs and gods in our lives.No man,especially a husband, should ever disrespect HIS WIFE for any reason with physical abuse. You have a responsibility to your babies and YOURSELF to have a better life. Get out now before he hurts you bad someday or your children.God will not punish you my friend, he will bless you for fleeing from "danger" and protecting your children. Do not accept this abuse and disrespect. You should feel hurt and totally discusted and I would never forgive that treatment. There are limitations in taking those wedding vows. In bad times does not mean getting beat upon with physical abuse. Bad times are in death, loss of job, sickness. That is what those vows mean.
---Lin on 1/17/09

Hi, I've been reading a few posts and I'm amazed about how many abusive reltionships there are. I believe I was married (still am, just separated) to a narcissist. I can't believe how that definition fits him. But thank God someone came and rescued me. I've never been happier. I've been told I can't divorce which is ok because no adultry is involved. So my heart goes out to all those who are in verbal/physical abusive relationships, yes get out if you can, it's not easy but it's peaceful.
---Judi on 11/26/08

I understand the feelings that you are having. I am ending a 16 year marriage due to my husbands verbal abuse toward my daughter (17) and myself. When you see the affects that your husbands behavior has on your children it gets easier to make the decision to seperate. God calls us to seperate ourselves from people acting ungodly especially if it affects our spiriual walk with HIM. I will say that once I was able to remove my husband from our home and provide an emotionally stable environment for my children we all felt as if we could finally take a deep breath. Ask yourself this, is it better to have your children from a broken home or in a broken home? They are learning life lessons!
---Tammy on 11/14/08

Rebecca, marriage is in part a verbal promise to love and cherish each other. If he broke his side of the bargain, the marriage is over, especially since he is unrepentant. Until he changes his ways GET OUT.
---frances008 on 4/15/08

I was married for 20+ years to a man with low self-esteem. He was abused as a child, and grew into a man who never really felt lovable. His verbal abuse, and bouts of physical anger almost ended in tragedy. My life was saved by an act of God. Please leave now.

Please consider what your children are learning about life when they hear the fighting. Please leave now.
---deb on 4/15/08

I too had bad experiences with marriage. I married the same man three times! How stupid was I? Since then he's been married 6 more times! A wise old Baptist preacher
told me and it opened my eyes - "Not all marriages are made in Heaven". After much hurt and pain, I wised up also. You need to do the same. You are not just hurting yourself but your children also. Don't be ignorant to an avid abuser. If they do it once, they'll do it again, experience knows.
---Ellen_Lowe on 4/15/08

Changing a few light bulbs will not stop global warming.
You need to seek professional help.
---Bob on 3/2/08

You can leave. Your vows did not include accepting physical abuse. Get out now. Call a women's shelter and get you and the kids to it ASAP.
---Madison on 1/4/08

Brian, I don't want to assume anything for Rebecca, but I do know from personal experience that such continual anger is not really about having a bad day/flat tire, whatever. No matter what a wife does in such a situation, his anger is so all-pervasive/deeprooted, that they'll always FIND something to react to. Noone is responsible for how another acts. Only God can change this mans heart, and I believe he is suffering terribly to hurt others so. Rebecca must do what is best for her and be safe.
---christina on 4/22/06

Just say he unloads his anger on the anger or the reason he is angry has absolutely nothing to do with you.Could you just clarify this...he had a bad day at work or he got a flat tire...nothing to do with what you did or that right...
---Brian on 4/21/06

1Co 7:13And the woman which hath an husband believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
---Exzucuh on 4/9/06

You do not have to divorce to leave him. Go to a safe place (church or domestic shelter). Pray the Lord will give you guidence and help him take responsibilty for his abuse.Read 1 Peter3 with focus on verse 6. I like John 16 also. God Bless.
---Alexandra on 4/9/06

If you're feeling unsafe when husband is more than short tempered, at least call somone to come over to give you support.
---Rudy on 4/8/06

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Our loving God doesn't want His children to live in such situations. I was married to verbally abusive husband for 17 yrs. It affected me & daughters. I prayed about it for many yrs; spoke w/husband weekly about his anger/control. Finally, God showed me scripture one night about anger/refusal to listen to Him; that week He also showed me it was abuse we were living in. He's freed us from bondage. He's blessing us so much every day. Divorce itself isn't easy, yet my girls and I have such peace and joy now!
---Stephanie on 4/8/06

I forget the exact chapter & verse, but it's the verse that says, "Come to me all who are weak and heavy burdended and I shall give you rest." Give it to God and He will deliver you.
---Shannon on 12/8/05

, there are many people who try to provoke others. this may or may not be what she is doing, but i have seen it happen.
---steve on 12/3/05

We have gotten off the topic here. Rebecca asked about Scriptures to ease her heart. Ma'am, if you are reading this, I say Proverbs 3, 5:6. Trust God in everything and all will be well
---Joshua on 11/30/05

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2. The problem is that when the man is the one to break the contract, the woman often has nowhere to go (especially if she has children). I have never been hit by a man (except as a child by my father) but it makes me feel sick when I hear the words 'you took vows, you must honour them'. It has always taken 2 to honour a contract and this man is not honouring his.
---M.P. on 11/30/05

1. Ann, it is not only women who take vows then they get married. Men also vow to love and to cherish. Would you call hitting a woman 'cherishing' her? Marriage is a contract, a partnership. As soon as one breaks a contract the other should be free to leave that contract. Hitting might not be biblical grounds for divorce but I think it is grounds for leaving and getting to safety.
---M.P. on 11/30/05

Steve your earlier advice does not appear to be incorrect, it IS INCORRECT. When you use the word appear it deliverers the message that it also may be right. Remember what I said about Reality Therapy? I hope we can make you wake up.
---Elder on 11/29/05

, my earlier advice appears to be incorrect. report your husband to the police, and do not allow him to hit you again.
---steve on 11/29/05

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Rebecca, If you took vows, you must honor them...simple as that.
---Ann on 11/26/05

Elder you are absolutely correct.
---M.P. on 11/23/05

Elder: I agree with everything you have said. The pity is, Steve is hurting people with his words. The abused wife who originated this blog has basically been told by him that she deserved to be abused.

Steve, you have definitely stirred up a hornet's nest. Have you sought Godly counsel for yourself?
---Madison on 11/23/05

Madison, ditto every word.
---M.P. on 11/23/05

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Steve I for one really want you to "fit" in with the forum family. You have yet to do this.
I pray you will seek God's leading as you seem to require more help than those you counsel.
Cond #2-->
---Elder on 11/23/05

Cond #2-->
You said, (Your exact words) "if a woman spanks her son, the son must have misbehaved. if a man hits his wife, the man is an abuser. tell me, why is it never the woman's fault?"
1. Do you think a man hitting his wife is proper?
I don't. I think Scripture teaches that physical abuse is a form of fornication i.e.: sexual sin.
Cond #3--->
---Elder on 11/23/05

Cond #3--->
2. How do you relate a woman spanking her son with a man hitting/beating his wife?
3. If a woman makes a mistake is the correction to beat her as you said in Deut 25? I don't think so.
4. This Scripture has to do with Judicial punishment not slapping your wife around.
I understand why on other post you have said you can't find a wife.
Steve you require help that we can't give you here. Please seek it.
Forum family if I am wrong please correct me.
---Elder on 11/23/05

Thank you Madison, just sharing my heart.
---Elder on 11/23/05

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Steve: That is the sickest twisting of scriptures I have ever seen. Deuteronomy talks about taking an offending brother to a judge. Abusers beat their wives in private, with nobody else knowing. You must be an abuser.
---Madison on 11/22/05

, read deuteronomy 25:1-3 this seems to clearly say that even an adult might not be too old for a whipping.
---steve on 11/22/05

Amen, Elder.
---Madison on 11/22/05

Isn't it great that we can choose who we listen to here?
Steve where do you get your ideas from?
Many children are abused everyday and did nothing yet you think they must have deserved their punishment.
That is like someone breaking into a store at night... they must own the store.
Constantly your counsel comes through smoked glasses and ingested mushroom mentality.
I for one am fed up with your replies that do nothing but send people into deeper despair.
Cond #2-->
---Elder on 11/21/05

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Steve your answers become more amazing by the hour!! You seem to know nothing about relationships whatsoever. Mothers would be wrong if they DID NOT correct their sons. Having been corrected by their mothers they will, we all hope, turn out to be decent human beings knowing that they are NOT to hit their wives. There might be occasions when they might have to hit/correct their sons but NEVER their wives.
---M.P. on 11/22/05

Cond #2-->
A 15 year old female or male has left the "spanking" phase of correction and other means should be used.
Some of your replies are not Biblical and certainly not normal to a healthy society.
Don't take my word for it. Ask around.
Women fight back. Put the abuser where he can be Bubba's wife for a while and experience some abuse of his own.
---Elder on 11/21/05

Steve: You obviously know nothing about relationships between men and women, or mother and son. A mother is supposed to correct a son. Therefore, spanking is sometimes appropriate. A husband is not supposed to correct a wife with physical violence. Men and women are not supposed to hit each other.

Many abusers hit without provocation. They are paranoid and insecure, and think they own their women.
---Madison on 11/21/05

, if a woman spanks her son, the son must have misbehaved. if a man hits his wife, the man is an abuser. tell me, why is it never the woman's fault? get the full picture before judging. (and don't marry abusers)
---steve on 11/21/05

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Marcus: And your wife actually STAYS with you? That's not "submission", that's bullying control! God didn't take a bone from Adam's foot for Eve to be walked on, or from the head for her to rule over him, but rather from his ribs, his SIDE, under his protective arm.
---Caroa6864 on 11/21/05

An excellent book called "Keeping the Faith" by Marie Fortune reveals more scripture re: your situation. A man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Man and wife are to submit to one another. Your sons may grow up to be abusers if they continue to be exposed to this example. You can leave without initiating divorce. Contact a women's shelter for advice on how to get out. These men rarely change.
---Kim on 11/20/05

rebecca by all means get out of that relationship. God does not intend for his children to be harmed. If you husband really loved you, he would not abuse you. He needs help not only professionally, but spiritually. I went through that many years ago, I know been there. The Lord Jesus is your help. Do not stay and allow this to continue, it will ruin your mind and body. You belong to the Lord, not your husband.
---Martha on 11/20/05

Marcus ... and if your wife has a crisis and the house is not clean, or the meal not ready, do you hit her?
---alan8869_of_UK on 11/20/05

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Marcus: Do you hit your wife if she fails to meet these demands? That is the issue here, not what submission means. There is no excuse for hitting a wife. I don't care if she never feeds you another hot meal. Domestic violence is out of the question.
---Madison on 11/20/05

Women should submit to their husbands. That's Biblical. If my wife can't have dinner on the table when I get home, have the house clean, and our son in bed, I have a problem with that. I work 18 hours/day as an engineer. The least my wife can do is let me come home to a clean house and a hot meal. I pay the bills and she keeps up the house. That's how it works for us. That's how I see submission.
---Marcus on 11/20/05

Steve you say: ",Catha, that was way out of line. never tell someone to harm another person"
If you read her blog properly you will see she does not really mean it.
BUt your other blog surprised me ... do you think that when a woman is hit, it must be her fault? That is a real insight into the doctrine that "Woman must submit to husband"
---alan8869_of_UK on 11/20/05

Steve: I cannot believe you are blaming the wife for being battered. Will you ever study domestic violence and learn that it is not the wife's fault for being abused? You do more harm to the victims of domestic violence by blaming them. Where is your compassion? Or are you also an abuser and taking the side of the batterer because you are one of them?
---Madison on 11/19/05

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, my advice is the same as i gave for a fifteen year old girl who complained of being spanked by her dad: stop doing whatever is making him angry.
---steve on 11/19/05

, Catha, that was way out of line. never tell someone to harm another person.
---steve on 11/19/05 are right to stay by your man. If you took vows you should keep them. I too was hit on ocassion, but my husband and I worked through it. We are stronger now for it and we did it without a counsellor. We turned to HIM and let HIM handle it. We are strong now and welcoming babt #4 to the family.
---Chelsea on 11/18/05

Abuse can often be the result of medical issues, such as sleep apnea. Abuse is not just the result of upbringing. Anger management therapy would be good for him, as well as a complete medical work up. But, you need to view that process from a distance. The kids will be next!
---jera on 11/8/05

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Daniel's post reminded me of an incident in my own life: When I was 9-10, heard my Dad yell at my Mom, not sure if he even touched her, and I ran head-first into his gut then said like, "Don't you ever do that again!" Kids will definitely protect loving mothers against anything they perceive as attacks!

For Madison/others who've exchanged posts with me before (Counseling,Theology,etc.): I'm not the Daniel who previously posted about his wife in this thread.
---Daniel on 11/7/05

Melissa: I was upset because his first post was to say she should stay and honor her vows. That is typical of abusers. They insist that the victim stay obedient and subnmissive, and they keep hitting them.

I am suspicious of any abuser who says they are changed. My father was an abuser, and there were many nights when I woke up to shattering glass and blood curdling screams. He went after my mom with a knife one time.

Mom didn't have the sense to get out.
---Madison on 11/4/05

I would have to say, to get out now for your sake and your children. I had three violent marriages and it affected me and my children for years,Seek counselling too.
---Suzanne on 11/4/05

Daniel. I'm glad your wife did not have to "hit you upside the head w/a two by four"..and that you came to your senses. Very commendable of you to admit and correct a fault. God will bless you for it and for loving your wife and son. You keep going on in Christ. You gooo guy! :)
---Cathi on 11/4/05

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hit him upside the head with a two-by-four(he has to go to sleep sometime)..if you accidentally kill him in the process ..plead self defense..that will go with the scripture of "til death do us part" serious..I will be praying for you and this situation..please pray and take yourself and your children to a safe place until your husband can come to his' senses to love you as himself as God has commanded him to!!
---Catha on 11/4/05

Madison, please don't attack Daniel. I understand how you feel, but he DID admit to it and was just showing an example of how one can turn around. He said he has changed.
---Melissa on 11/4/05

If angry, abusive men would say in their vows that they will hit and beat their spouse, and the woman still agrees to marry him, then she absolutely should honor her vows and not divorce him. But since men don't admit such things prior to marriage, then yes, women need to leave them for their own safety and sanity. Women deserve better!
---joe on 11/4/05

Domestic violence does not pass. It esculates. The wife needs to get out of there ASAP. Unless the husband is willing to go to counseling, get out of the marriage. Too many men misunderstand what the Bible means when it says for wives to submit to their husbands. It does not give one license to abuse. My pastor told me during pre-marital counseling, its the husbands who have the greater responsibility to treat the wife with respect and love her as the most important person in the world.
---clark on 11/4/05

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Daniel I think you are wrong to tell this lady that she should honour her vows. Your own situation seems to have worked out fine and that is wonderful and I'm glad you shared that with us. However, this is rare, even amongst Christians. She should not stay to see what happens. She should wait and see what happens from afar and make her decisions for the future from a safe vantage point. A Christian man who breaks his vows should never expect the woman to keep hers.
---M.A. on 11/4/05

Daniel, I think that is great that you have enough since to see what you were teaching your son. I do hope tho that you have gotten closer to your wife and have come to love her the way God wants you to. I pray that you see her in a different light and show her everyday that she is a gift from God, as well as your son. As to the question, Please know that God does not want you to live this way, and that you are to walk beside your husband, not under his feet. I would let him know that.
---a_friend on 11/4/05

I never thought I would have been at the other end of my husbands fist...but I was. My children also witnessed it. A pastor told me that God does not want you to live in such pain and fear. You need to get out and away if he is still abusive. You would be surprised at how many agencies are out there that can help women in this situation. You need to regain control over your life and show him he no longer has control over you with fear that he puts in you.
---barb on 11/3/05

Daniel: Forgive me for being blunt, but you are the last person who should be giving this woman advice on how to deal with an abusive husband. You are an abuser. You admitted that you hit your wife.

This woman needs to get out of her abusive home before she is hit again.
---Madison on 11/3/05

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I was a total jerk to my wife. I took my anger out on her all the time. I used to tell her that if she was the God-fearing woman she claimed, she'd submit to me in everything, because the two of us are 1 now. What changed things was when our son saw me hit her once & dang near tackled 4. He had his Teddy Bear and was pommelling me with it-I got the hint and never yelled or hit after that. If I feel myself getting riled up, I walk away.
---Daniel on 11/3/05

I agree with Madison. For 8 years I put up with being beaten almost every day. I wish I had called the police. If I had, he would not have abused my kids as well.
---Melissa on 11/3/05

yes, you can leave. Please do so asap.
---chioma on 11/3/05

Daniel, you say " My wife and I went through a similar time". I can only assume that you mean that your wife 'went through' some beatings so what was it that you 'went through'? What brought about the change?
---M.P. on 11/3/05

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Rebecca you made vows to love and honour but he also made vows to love and cherish. He's broken his side of the bargain by not cherishing you (hitting is not cherishing or loving, it is controlling). In addition to this your children do not need to witness this. What they are seeing will affect their lives and their attitudes so I'd say get out now and only consider returning if he seeks serious help and changes his ways dramatically. The next punch could be a fatal one.
---M.P. on 11/3/05

Please leave and get councelling.I grew up in a similar situation. Where my father was abusive to my mother, then he became abusive to me when I became a teenager.I hated my mother for not doing anything to change the situation.I grew to hate my mother even more than my father.Be assured that is what you have to look forward to.Your children will end up hating you.
---sherry on 11/2/05

Daniel: Are you saying you physically abused your wife? If so, how did you stop, or do you still hit her?
---Madison on 11/2/05

Rebecca;No man has the right to raise his hand & hit his wife.The first angry man was Cain.Gen 4:6You make no mention if your husband is a believer: this may be half the problem. You do not have to be a martyr; move to a more secure enviroment apparantly he is not working on his anger management level.This may jolt him into doing so.extract some degree of respect & A promise to work with a councillor Re: his bursts of anger.The policy is 3 strikes & your OUT. has already passed his limit.
---Emcee on 11/2/05

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First and greatest commandment to Love God with all your heart mind and stregth.Second is to Love your neighbor as yourself.Can you do this in your situation? God hates divorce, but he never said that a couple can not separate to work on themselves when the environment is bad.My husband and I needed to set boundrys and stipulations to make the marriage work.We both go to Christian Couseling. Children learn from what they see. God wants you all healthy. Prayers with you hun. God will lead if you let him.
---Robin on 11/2/05

Get out of the relationship! It will only be harder the longer you stay believe me. I don't have scripture for or against, but it ain't healthy stayin with a man like that i know for sure. i will pray for you.
---Lisa on 11/2/05

Daniel: The statistics say that "this too" WILL NOT PASS, but instead it will escalate and get worse. Batterers get worse, not better, without intervention. She can honor her vows in a shelter, protected from him. She should also file charges against him and make the law enforce legal consequences on him. Put him in jail for a while and see who he batters there.
---Madison on 11/2/05

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