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Husband's Narcosstic Personality

Been married 15 years. Christian counselor suggested that husband has narcosstic personality. He disagrees. He won't go back. I work fulltime from home with 3 kids and making extra on side. He has low wage job - 40 hours. All money goes to bills. Tired of this life and he does not understand why.

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 ---Peggy on 1/26/06
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Mabe he is not the worrying type. If he is working praise him. Get some of your bills payed off. Stop grumbling. Ask God to show you the light. I am sure your husband is doing the best that he knows how to do. Watch out for sheep in wolf clothing. [counselors].
---catherine on 2/1/08


In the Christian world, we can reference the Holy Bible and ask the Counselor, seek the Deliverer, and be comforted by the Comforter.
These two worlds sometimes collide with the methods used to bring healing or God's intervention. For this type, I believe God can accomplish far more than methods.
---Cindy on 1/31/08


Therapists will tell you that there is no cure for narcissism. Uncurable, but I suppose there is some forms of medication that they use to treat it.
Like almost always attracts like.
Ask God to show you your own heart and see if there's not some narcissism there that you need to repent of. That's a good starting point for reconciliation with forgiveness. If you're honest with yourself, there's a reason you picked this man. Often it is a mirror reflection of ourself, the spouse that we marry.
---Mark on 1/31/08


While you're feeling for yourself, he feels sorry for himself and it's a virtual round robin of self-pity. Depression and self-pity are products of what the bible calls heaviness of spirit. Believe it or not, it can make you heavy physically. People can become enormous when they allow heaviness of spirit to overtake them. It manifests itself as obesity, or addictions.
So renounce that heaviness of spirit and if you are unable, find a strong Christian that can.
---Mark on 1/31/08


Peggy, you have lots of good advice to go by here. In all this, do realize that it is as much of a sin to be unthankful than to be narcistic. You should be happy that all his hard earned money goes to pay the bills.
---john on 1/31/08




In the US, a therapist or counselor will usually use a book called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual in order to determine if a client has a personality disorder.
---Madison on 1/31/08


("For the counsellor to say he has a narcissistic personality, you must have told him much more than you have so far told us.") -- It really is none of our business, unless the Blogger wishes to share with the whole world. Other people's privacy should be respected, and there is no need to know all the facts.
---Helen_5378 on 7/7/07


All money going to bills is a horrible but common problem. Statistics Canada a few Octobers back said an extra 500.00 a month would have saved half the divorces, and an extra 1000.00 half the bankruptcies. Interest going up 1% will generate foreclosures. House debt increases 10% annually. Many borrow to keep the house. Middle class removal program.
---jhonny on 7/6/07


Many husbands have low-wage jobs. For the counsellor to say he has a narcissistic personality, you must have told him much more than you have so far told us.
---alan8869_of_UK on 7/6/07


Read all on narcissism on Internet...it is an awful way for a woman to live with a supposed Christian man who is far from kind. I had to get away from mine...incurable and not sane...beware....
---Peggy on 2/11/07




Madison,Amen, so true. I must also admit there are parents who don't want to be bothered by those ADD children and use the medication when they aren't suspose to. My heart goes out to these children especially since it is just like having amnesia, they forget,and get called liars, because having forgotten so much, they learn to make up stories to fill in the gaps. They just want to fit in. Teachers in Texas aren't trained to deal with them and many treat them as bad kids not handicapped ones.
---Darlene_1 on 2/3/06


Coach: Of course it is safe to say that a lot of acting out behaviors in children are cries for attention and love. However, if a psychiatrist is treating a child, and they are prescribing medication, it is also safe to say that more than likely, the child in question has been diagnosed with a mental illness or disorder. This diagnosis is based on specific criterion and tests that are performed, depending on the disorder in question. These things are not done lightly.
---Madison on 2/3/06


Sis Madison,I was not implying that ADD did not occur at all,some kids have it and medication helps them greatly.....this kid at camp went the whole week without the medication and wasn`t too much of a problem......my statements were to imply that SOME parents us medication instead of affection and attention that the kids really need.I was in no way implying that ADD didn`t exist.
LOVE JESUS
---co_ach on 2/3/06


The problem with people with narcissistic personality is that they actually do have extremely low self-esteem. In trying to have the world revolve around them, they are trying to compensate for their low sense of self-worth.

Problem is, they do not have a healthy view of self, in the light of who they are in Christ, because of the schema in their thinking, which is the result of events in their childhoods.
---Madison on 1/29/06


I would say that narcissism is not so much "love of oneself" (which is sheer selfishness) or "self esteem" (which is positive thing, but "world revolves round me and my needs and ny problems"
---alan8869_of_UK on 1/29/06


Narcistic person is inlove with oneself. If your husband inlove with himself or you? You've been married to him for 15 years, you know him better than anyone else. Sounds more like a self-esteem problem than narcissism. Continue with your counselling and help yourself and your children.
---Nellah on 1/29/06


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Giving an ibuprofen tablet as a placebo is very irresponsible i.m.o. Unless taken with or immediately after food it can harm the stomach. All tablets should be treated with respect and when giving to a child other than one's own could create serious problems. Even placebos have to be controlled by someone with FULL knowledge of the patient's condition and what else he/she is taking.
---p.m. on 1/29/06


Co ach,sorry, what you relate doesn't prove your point. One of the side effects of ibuprofen is drowsiness. The boy if not used to it probably was more prone to respond to it's relaxing effect. Medication for ADD & ADHD isn't given until a child has a battery of tests administered by a professional to get a reliable diagnosis. Then law here only lets them take the Medicine early morning and noon, during school hours. Not during summer at all. ADD Children can't focus and also it effects their memories.
---Darlene_1 on 1/28/06


#2 The research shows that adjusting the brain chemistry helps relieve the symptoms, but I support therapy along with medication. Just giving the kid a pill is not the answer. They and their parents should participate in therapy to learn coping skills for the classroom and at home.
---Madison on 1/28/06


Coach: What occurred could have been the placebo effect of the medication. He believed it was his ritalin, so therefore, he relaxed.

One example does not make for a theory. The studies have been done and are extensive that ADHD is a chemical problem in the brain of some children. It can manifest itself as hyperactivity, or just a person who is easily distracted and cannot concentrate, and has problems focusing on one project.
---Madison on 1/28/06


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Madison, i say this about ADD because one year at camp , i had a kid who was taking Ridilin(sp). the first night he wouldn`t settle down and sleep(crazy hyper).The nurse gave him an ibuprophen(sp)and told him it was his Ridilin ,he was asleep in 10 minutes.All he needed was love and attention not drugs.
LOVE JESUS
---co_ach on 1/28/06


Madison,thanks a very good answer. I have always disliked the way people tend to afix labels to those with mental health problems, as though everything ever spoken or written about any one of those illnesses was set in stone. They make it sound like each one is the carbon copy of another. I would love to see more research done on physical psychology and less focus on emotional. Once a person gets labeled society treats them like lepers. Heartbreaking to see.
---Darlene_1 on 1/28/06


So, I believe that empathy is required whenever I deal with anyone struggling with problematic behaviors. I wish more Christians understood and expressed empathy these days.
---Madison on 1/28/06


Darlene: I remember that question when I first took Abnormal Psych. What is normal? There is normal in the US culture, but then other cultures would think that abnormal, and vice versa.

Most people who have experienced trauma have a reaction to it that usually becomes a coping mechanism. While it may be considered abnormal, it usually makes sense when we look at that person's perspective.
---Madison on 1/28/06


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Madison,I know you are a Social Worker, therefore, very well informed,I too have a degree in Mental Health Field and was trained at MHMR to be a Marriage Counselor so I know a little. My question to you; have you ever found the label of abnormal for some Mental Disorders perhaps off base? I've often wondered how can something be labeled abnormal when it is the body and minds normal way,fight or flight, to cope, with what isn't normal around them.Input if you please.
---Darlene_1 on 1/28/06


The Lord said we must be willing to hate our life in this world. He said the poor you will always have with you. The church in Macedonia was poor. The saints in acts sold their possessions and distributed to the needy. Our marriages in this life are a type and shadow of Christ and the church. The vows are for better or worse, richer or poorer,sickness and health. We should labor together, and endure.
---Katherine on 1/28/06


A good old fashioned repentance will fix everything here.
---john on 1/28/06


Personality disorders manifest themselves as coping mechanisms in a fallen world. Therapists are not making money on this, they are usually wounded healers, as I am. They aren't exploiting the hurting people, but coming alongside them to help them find a new way to live, without the problematic behaviors. If our world were perfect, there would be no need for therapists. I thank God that there are competent, licensed therapists who have helped me, and I hope to minister likewise in the future.
---Madison on 1/27/06


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One of the problems with personality disorders is that our world is a hurting world. Many people are traumatized in childhood with sexual abuse and violence in the home. Many kids have parents who are either absent because of drugs and alcohol, or they are in foster care.
---Madison on 1/27/06


#3 My son has ADD, not acting out and when he was finally medicated he realized how much he was missing in the classroom.

I have done extensive research on therapy with personality disorders for my graduate degree, and am of the professional opinion that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is most effective in treating them. CBT does not allow a person to make excuses, but challenges the client with homework to do and learning from mistakes.
---Madison on 1/27/06


#2 ADHD is organic, and is not just restlessness. Having taught ADHD kids, both medicated and nonmedicated. I can assure you it has nothing to do with attention seeking from parents. It is next to impossible to teach with an ADHD kid acting out in the classroom. It is brain chemistry, which usually requires both medication and therapy.
---Madison on 1/27/06


Coach: You are speaking about apples and oranges. A personality disorder is not organic and is not an excuse for poor behavior. It usually does not require medication unless the person has co-occurring depression or anxiety. It is learned behaviors and usually requires someone who is professionally trained to help a person unlearn those behaviors after having their denial broken through.
---Madison on 1/27/06


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Sis Madison, i`m not saying there is no need for therapists and i do know SOME people do have disorders....but seems today everything is being blamed on the person having a disorder....take ADD, a very high percentage of kids who are said to have this disorder are just a little hyper or are looking for attention from their parents....and therapists and drug makers are getting rich by taking advantage of this.
IMO
LOVE JESUS
---co_ach on 1/27/06


Wow after reading this, it sounds like my life. Only difference i have been married 30 yrs! My hubbie is perfect score on the test with 9 (?) criteria given. God help me, amen.
---Lynna on 1/27/06


Peggy, Who's "tired of this life"? you? or, your husband?
---daphn8897 on 1/27/06


Coach: A personality disorder is NOT a disease, and is NOT something to be blamed for a person being an arrogant and diffcult partner. It is a pattern of behaviors that need to be changed, and usually the only person competent and trained to deal with a personality disorder is a licensed psychotherapist. Therapists are the ones who carefully take a person "down a peg or two." The patterns usually have a root that needs to be explored. BTW. My therapist drives a Honda Civic.
---Madison on 1/27/06


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A proper therapist qualified in this area is needed, (if possible, a Christian) rather than a Christian counsellor, who may not have the apecialist knowledge
---alan8869_of_UK on 1/27/06


Pt1
Coach, I agree with you. The labelling does seem excessive. And the thing about narcissism is that we live in a narcissistic society. These selfish tendencies prevail to the point where we all possess basic narcissistic qualities to some degree or another. However, the true Narcissistic Personality Disorder applies to a serious dysfunction in life.
---DoryLory on 1/27/06


Pt2
The true NPD does not recognize his weakness and therefore will not work to improve or change. That's where the frustration arises in relationships with such a one. There is no working things out. Everything is about "them" and only them.
---DoryLory on 1/27/06


Madison , Dory Lory thanks for the input. It's hard living with anyone with an illness, but also one unhappy with their life, blaming spouse for problems. They need to work together to help have peace in family. It's seldom one person's fault. Summary;low wages,money goes to pay all bills,she works,shes tired of that life, Christian Counselor "suggests"(any testing done?)he's narcissistic.Two against one? How would husband feel if really doing all he can? Not enough info to show facts.
---Darlene_1 on 1/27/06


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Unless qualifed and is adapt at using the DSM-IV, I seriously doubt that a personality disorder diagnosis is correct. I suggest a therapist, even one not advertising to be a Christian, and family counseling.
---Tammy on 1/27/06


Is your christian counselor a licenced professional. It sounds to me like a "mid-life crisis". Lots of men reach a certain age and look at their "life" and finally realize that their "ship" is not coming in. And the "american dream" is exactly what it is: a dream. He needs to survey and accept the "real" treasures he posses. A wife of 15 yrs., 3 beautiful kids, life itself, and so on.
---Fred_S. on 1/27/06


Peggy, is it the low pay that worries you? Do you think your husband would earn more if his personality were different? Many very butch men earn low wages. It's a fact of life that we do not all earn big money regardless of our personality.
---M.P. on 1/27/06


Your husbands "tiredness of this life" is more likely the unhappiness with his low paying job, rather than his being mislabeled narcissistic. Here's a challenge for you and the christian counsellor, put yourselves in your husbands place, do his low paying job and live his unfulfilled desires for a better life, afterward see if you both do not also develop a "tired of this life" condition. It's a life well-known.
---Eloy on 1/27/06


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Pt1
I agree with Alan. It sounds like Peggy is putting in a lot more hours than her husband and she sounds worn out and discouraged. But the husband's wages are paying the bills. For a narcissistic assessment to have been made here, there has to be more to this story that we've been made aware of.
---DoryLory on 1/27/06


Pt2
Darlene - I also just want to mention that possession of a steady job isn't a reliable indication that the family is being taken care of. The real, honest indicator is ... what happens to that pay cheque after it's brought home?

A narcissistic person has an insatiable need for attention and admiration and if their employment provides this, they will easily work 40 hours a week.
---DoryLory on 1/27/06


Pt3
But he will control the finances so that the family's most basic needs are barely met, while his needs (including "toys") are lavishly satisfied. Often, only those residing under the same roof are aware that the center of his life is really only about "him."
---DoryLory on 1/27/06


IMO if people would start taking responsibility for their action and quit blaming everything on having a disorder,using the excuse that they can`t help their actions and its not really their fault,everyone ,except the therapists would be better off!!!
LOVE JESUS
---co_ach on 1/26/06


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I understand that there is alot i don`t know ....but why does everything have to be caused by a disorder or a disease ....what was just described by madison is just an arrogant person and i know alot of them,there are a few on this website and most don`t need therapy they just need "taken down a peg or two"
IMO most of this therapy to "fix" these imperfections in people is really just a good way to pay for the therapist`s new BMW.
LOVE JESUS
---co_ach on 1/26/06


Darlene: If a person has a personality disorder, then they need therapy to help change. Living with someone with one is very draining and most people with certain personality disorders usually end up divorced, even Christians.
---Madison on 1/26/06


A trait of a Narcissistic person is failure to shoulder family responsibility, if your husband is working 40 hours a week he is trying to care for his family. Unless he has other skills and is working beneath his ability how can anyone fault him? He's working, using all the money to pay bills,what more can you expect? A money management professional to teach you both how to make the most of what you get, might be better than a counselor. Stop running down your husband. That won't help.
---Darlene_1 on 1/26/06


#5. People with personality disorders are difficult to live with, and truly do not see anything wrong with their behavior. The denial is thick, and has to be broken down by a competent therapist.

While I do not recommend it, a person with this problem may not see the need to change unless threatened with the loss of a spouse. Even then, they may see themselves as a victim.
---Madison on 1/26/06


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#4
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her.
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes."

In order to be diagnosed with this, a person would have five of these.
---Madison on 1/26/06


#3
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement.
6. is interpersonally exploitive.
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recongnize or identify with feelings and needs of others.
---Madison on 1/26/06


#2. The criteria for a Narcisstic Personality Disorder includes:
"1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.
---Madison on 1/26/06


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