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My Pastor Is Having An Affair

My husband was having an affair with his ex-fiancee. He sent her emails confessing his love, he claims they weren't intimate (they continue to have a business relationship). I have not gotten past this. He's also my Pastor. It's hard to hear God's word because I can't get past him.

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 ---Renee on 2/23/06
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You know that is hard and not an easy place to be in but if there has not been sexual contact or if he is not treating you differnt then let God move but you have to do whats best for you espicaly if kids are involved
---Vernon on 8/29/07

Why has your church not ask him to step down and resign if they havent they are as guilty as he is
---Betty on 8/27/07

You said your husband was having an affair. Has this affair stopped? You did not make your self clear on this. Sending emails and doing what he is doing or has done is having an affair. You are in a tough spot beloved. He is a stumbling block to you as well, being your pastor. This is very bad behavior for a pastor. He needs to be taken off his duties until this issue is resolved. You need to seek counseling or some other third party for help. You are in a double bind.
---Robyn on 8/26/07

He cannot be a very good husband or a good Pastor when doing this. They don't have to be intimate to do wrong, he is doing so wrong in God's eyes, it is scary. Since he is a Pastor (the Shepherd) he will have to answer to God more than we will because he should be leading us (you and others) by example. He isn't fit to be a husband or a Pastor. I would leave him. This man has to hit rock bottom in order to look up. I'd say let him.
---Rebecca_D on 8/15/07

Hello John T.

Things are better and I thank God for that. I have come to the conclusion that my husband does not like to focus on his wrong doings (who does). I can sense that he feels remorse for his actions, but would rather turn the table and place blame everywhere else. I don't know why I was surprised, he has shifted the blame during our entire marriage. I, on the other hand have tried to move from the situation (with God's help)in order to keep my sanity and get on with my marriage.
---Renee on 4/17/06


How have things been resolved?

Haven't heard from you for a while.
---John_T on 4/12/06

Thank you all so much. God has been good to me and I know He will keep sustaining me. I am praying for my husband and our marriage. Please remeber us in you prayers, you all will be remembered in mine. Thanks again, Your Sis. in Christ
---Renee on 3/23/06

I sympathise with you dear, but if your husband is not faithful to you he surely isn't faithful to the Lord. Bishops and deacons are to be the husbands of one wife with no provisions for mistresses. That would also make me wonder if what he preaches comes from God. It may be time to go to the elders hun.
---Shari on 3/22/06

Ray ... Renee is not gossipping about her pastor. She is hurting and asking for help, because it is HER HUSBAND who is being unfaithful.
---alan_of_uK on 3/22/06

if you pastor is having an affair jesus will expose him till then i suggest you STOP GOSSIPING your putting yourself in a worse position than he is
---RAY on 3/22/06

---ray on 3/22/06

Renee, it is time to intensify tactics. I assume you have confronted your hubby.

Since he is not responding, and you obviously have given plenty of time, then following Mathew 18, YOU MUST GO TO THE ELDERS, and have one (or two) act as witness.

The purpose is to restore the marriage and a pastor, not to destroy either. You are only responsible for your behavior, not his.

You will never go wrong when you seek to do right, according to God's instructions.
---John_T on 3/22/06

In other words, if a believer believes that God is still a judge looking to pound the gavel and give out a sentence, he/she will function the same way. Your husband (really, all of us) needs to come into experiential contact with the mercy of God. That is how powerful the blood of Jesus is. It changed the throne of God from a judgment seat to a mercy seat.
---Linda on 3/22/06

Renee, consider the fact that his blame of you makes him feel better about his own mistakes. That is a law based mentality that requires constant exposure to the grace of God expressed in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ just for the purpose of being renewed (Romans 12:2). I am sure you know that though. Believers function in the image of the Heavenly Father they "know".
---Linda on 3/22/06

My husband is so judgemental. I made a financial mistake that I am able to fix with my money (no money out of his pocket). My husband has quit jobs, been fired from jobs, had a girlfriend, has had another lady friend that had feelings for him and he didn't distance himself, I make a mistake and he acts as if he's God almighty. I'm really tired of him. I'm not trying to take away from what I've done but when he's at fault he wants it to be back to normal the next day.
---Renee on 3/22/06


Lust was never an issue in this thread. This is about relationship, and trust issues between spouses.

The writer claims hubby had no sex; we have to accept that... unless you know differently.
---John_T on 3/15/06

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To 2/2, Blame it on the enemy, why not blame it on lust that lies within that person. I have heard people say the devil caused their car to break down, not to mention the fact that the car was on its last leg. It's easy to blame everything on satan that way no one is to blame.
---Thomas on 3/14/06

My heart goes out to you... and hubby. Booth of you are experiencing pain of different sorts, and that it is not good.

To ignore the pain is to make it chronic because you (both) are not dealing with the issues behind the marital estrangement.
---John_T on 3/14/06

2/2 This is also causing you both to be ineffective in ministry, and our Enemy is causing God's choice servants to be hypocrites (actors), going through the motions of having a godly home, being a sham.

In such a case, he has the victory, that is until you BOTH face the situation head on. You are NOT the first clergy couple in crisis, amd ignoring the situation makes it worse, not better.
---John_T on 3/14/06

Remembering! Sometimes the words he wrote will not stop playing in my heard. Other times when I look at him, all I can see is his feelings for her.
---Renee on 3/14/06

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One step I think you should take is to print two copies out the entire thread, give one to hubby to read, making comments on each thought on the paper.

Then make an appointment IN INK to discuss this with Him, but not before you exchange your written comments.

BTW when is the last time you prayed together?
---John_T on 3/13/06

In what way(s) is it unbearable?

What casuses you the most pain?
---John_T on 3/10/06

Renee, Forgiving is a decision and a process. There are things that happend to me in my childhood that I chose to forgive when I first got saved over 25 years ago... but it has been in the last few years that my emotions have finally lined up with that decision. So, keep reminding yourself. Also, think of how much the Father has forgiven you... and what He says happens to His memory of your sins.
---daphn8897 on 3/10/06

Yes, I'm here. Some days are good and some are not so good. I have forgiven my husband (I think). I can't seem to get those emails he sent to his ex-fiancee out of my mind. It makes me wonder if I have really forgiven him. Sometimes it's just unbearable.
---Renee on 3/10/06

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Are you still here?
---John_T on 3/10/06


I ususally do not comment on typos, but yours was a classic.

The word you meant to say was "refrain", meaning "stop"

The word "sustain" means "uphold" or "endorse"

I can tell you another classic typo in a church bulletin public prayer, but later.

Laughing WITH you on this one!
---John_T on 2/25/06

Renee, I am sorry about what you are facing. It is best that no married person have a relationship with an ex. Satan will certainly bring temptation. Remind your husband of this. No one is beyond temptation. Tell him how you feel, how uncomfortable this makes you feel, maybe he will consider this, if he loves you. Itimacy goes beyond sexual contact. It really doesn't look too good before the congregation. Substain from all appearance of evil., the Bible says.
---rosa6863 on 2/25/06

This is SPIRITUAL WAR, all other issues are secondary. The Enemy saw a vulnerability in your marriage, exploited it, causing a drifting. Further, he promised hubby greater than you both have together. A lie. The result is a pastoral family that is out--temporarily. Many denominations have called "member care" used for missionaries, but yours is a situation needing member care NOW. Check with area pastors if they have such things in their denoms if you are umsable to get it yourrself
---John_T on 2/25/06

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Renee, I hate to say this, but your husband is probably lying about it "just being business." Once he started stepping out on you emotionally, it's only a matter of time before he does physically. Either way, he's committed adultery. Because he's broken your marriage vow already, his word is not credible - especially if he's still sees this woman regularly - for ANY reason. There really is no question as to what to do, just perhaps when. Praying for you.
---daphn8897 on 2/24/06

Renee: Your situation is not unique, nor unknown. My hunch is that you are a part of a good denomination, and if that is the case, then lean on those over you in the Lord. They are also your shepherds.

The situation you face is difficult, and doing right is also difficult. But it is the responsibility of those over you to help to restore you and the family to wholeness, so that you both can continue in ministry, after a time of repair and restoration.
---John_T on 2/24/06

Hince forth, my husband was thrown together with his ex-fiancee through business and I guess she gave what we weren't able to give each other. He told this woman he loved her. He has not said those words to me in almost a year. He trys to show it I guess but he does not say the words. WHen they communicate now it's suppossedly about business. I am paranoid.
---Renee on 2/23/06

Thank you all for the words of wisdom and encouragement. For several years, my husband and I were talking and expressing what we wanted from each other, but neither of us gave what the other seeked.
---Renee on 2/23/06

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Either you are naive or you are making this up. You both should take joint marriage counseling if you are on the level. (With someone neither of you know and who is a professional marriage counselor.) There is no such thing as a, "business relationship" to the person who is the object of your love letters.
---WIVV on 2/23/06

To be sure, there will be GREAT pain in the future for you as a person and as a couple. therefore you will BOTH need marital counseling. No one likes pain, but take it from a pastor,and an abuse survivor, enduring the long-term chronic pain of this situation far exceeds the sharp, purposeful pain of facing sins, healing and dealing with the underlying issues.
---John_T on 2/23/06

Do you have denominational higher ups to talk to? If not, you must follow Scripture, and tell the leaders of the church, letting them handle it. You are the innocent party, and according to some, have legitimate, Scriptural grounds for divorce. (I am not advocating it, just pointing out the obvious.)
---John_T on 2/23/06

The ultimate aim is reconcilliation to God, you and the church. Since you have proof of an affair, (intimacy or not is irrelevant)your pastor/husband must come clean, or you need to force the issue. He is destroying sheep, and will face the wrath of God if he does not repent, and restore himself to you and the church. Pushing it under the carpet is WRONG. Sin needs to be exposed. Remember the sin of Achan.
---John_T on 2/23/06

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You can go to God in prayer and ask for guidance. Adultery is adultery.
---Dee on 2/23/06

Renee, I'm so sorry for your pain . If your pastor/husband had an affair - even "just" writing, he must down from pastoring and seek counsel. He has defiled your marriage, and is defiling the pulpit every time he preaches - especially until he repents. He's even defiled he other woman. He needs to remove himself from any contact with her. If he does not, then you may have to takes steps to expose him - for his own good, to save your marriage, and to protect church from further reproach.
---daphn8897 on 2/23/06

You have not gotten past this because it still bothers you. This situation is a stronghold in your life. If your husband is still doing these things then he has no right, and I repeat no right being behind that pulpit. This is a mockary toward God, and he is not fooling anyone, especially God. You need to set your foot down, not only as a wife but as a christian, his sister in Chirst. If you don't you are condoning this, and allowing sin behind the pulpit.
---Rebecca_D on 2/23/06

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