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Husband Removed Me

My husband of 25 years is very angry--kicked me out of house a year ago and removed his wedding ring. Won't go to counseling and blames me for everything. He screams, swears, pushes, pokes, threatens & throws things. I don't believe in divorce and want to honor the Lord. What should I do?

Moderator - Why is he angry - do you play a part?

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 ---Hannah on 3/26/06
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You may not believe in divorce..but that really does not matter when he does. It sounds like he needs space..pray for him..do not nag..and do not force him to speak to you. He does not have to. Love him..if he is being abusive..then all this is mute..leave.
---melanie on 5/29/08


How would staying with a man like this honour the Lord? Is he honouring the Lord or his marriage vows? Is God telling you stay and be abused? It seems he is making it very clear what he wants, or doesn't want and, if none of his anger is initiated by you I'd say stay away from him. If you don't believe in divorce you don't have to divorce but you don't have to live like that either.
---M.P. on 5/29/08


Doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. Your husband is responsible for his own actions and doings, and he sounds abusive to me. Maybe this is your ticket out, I suggest you go and see a Christian counsellor first before making any decisions. Being somebody else's doormat, is not Christian. It happened to me and I learnt a hard lesson. Welcome to chat - Junia 6337
---Junia on 3/25/07


Doesn't sound like your husband was really saved. The bible says we are not to be unevenly yoked with non believers. He claimed he was saved, yet married you when you weren't.

The angels in heaven rejoice when one sinner is saved. If he were saved, he would have the spirit of God in him, he would have rejoiced when you were saved, instead he became angry.

You are now a believer. The bible says that if your unbelieving spouse chooses to leave, then he can. You are not under bondage.1 Cor 7:15
---Chris on 3/24/07


Listen here. There is absolutely no excuse. He is bigger and stronger than she is. It is not God's will for anyone in power to throw their weight around. And in this case, no excuse either.
---catherine on 3/23/07




Anger is a heart condition and cannot be blamed on other people. That sounds a lot like Adam saying, "That woman you gave me....." If I get angry with my husband, the problem lies within me, not my husband. To blame him for my anger is just my feeble attempt to hide my own insecurity, fear, helplessness, etc., which is the very root of the anger itself.
---Linda on 3/22/07


Hanna: Thanks for hanging on! Doing the math, he may be in his 60's,and may be suffering from early-onset Alzheimers or pre-senile dementia. Has he visited a MD lately?
You mentioned cultural differences, is his a non-Christian culture? If you had children, they are adults now have you enlisted their aid? Your MOST important task is to be SAFE; everything else is secondary. BTW his actions may be considered defacto divorce by abandonment, leaving you free to pursue legal action.
---John_T on 3/29/06


A few mos. after I left him I found a p/t job at a Christian ministry. I love being part of what God is doing in lives through this ministry. This makes him very angry & now he makes the job the issue. I went home after 4 mos-he continuously badgered me to quit my job. He wouldn't talk to me for days/wks except some angry outbursts. Then he locked me out of our BR & made me move downstairs. 1 day he was totally out of control/throwing things/swearing at me/demanding that I leave--very scary, so I left.

Moderator - Is he bipolar or does he have some other medical condition?
---Hannah on 3/28/06


Basically the counselors told me that he is verbally and emotionally abusive. Most said that he needs to get help for his issues (anger, control, unforgiveness)individually before they could do marriage counseling with the 2 of us. The 1st time I left I went to the police b/c he was so angry & out of control that I was afraid. The police escorted me back to the house so that I could get some things & I stayed away for 4 mos.

Moderator - Did the counselors give you any advice in how to keep your marriage together or did they tell you just stick in their according to your ability or just divorce?
---Hannah on 3/28/06


Jerry's idea is good, but depending on state laws/circumstances it may/may not be easy to do. Where I live you cannot get a restraining order without serious documentation of threat/abuse. This I suppose is due to the possibility of heresay...but I could not get one since I never sought medical attention for abuses (injuries weren't serious enough) and I never called the police. If I had done either I would have something to go on besides my word. Any women out there abused, DOCUMENT, take pics etc
---christina on 3/28/06




Hannah: You have the right to feel safe in your own home. If you feel at all threatened or even perceive the possibility of physical harm to yourself, then run - don't walk to your county courthouse and get a restraining order against him. He won't be able to come to your house or work without a police escort. I have seen this "reality check" work wonders on an abusive husband. And no, it doesn't matter what his excuse is. The power is in your hands if you will take.
---jerry6593 on 3/28/06


Hannah, Someone, even a pastor may go talk to him for you. If not, then you call him and tell him in a serious tone "(First Name) we need to talk. We need to talk about our marriage, the abuse, and the steps to take rectify it. Meet me (date and time- during daylight) at (place- privately in a public place like a park bench or restaurant). You bring a paper with a list of concerns and suggestions, and I will also bring a list of concerns and suggestions. I'm praying for you both.
---Eloy on 3/27/06


It sounds like your husband has divorced you and belives he is not married to you as he removed you from home and took off wed ring??? If anyone is with anyone who they belive needs therpy, they probably need therpy themselves. I did. Get therpy.
---Alexandra on 3/27/06


I was very young when we married, he is 11 years older & comes from another culture. His strong personality was very appealing at the beginning. Now I can see that the control & anger were there early on but has definitely escalated-especially over the past several years. I've asked him to go to counseling for years & finally over the past 1 1/2 yrs he went w/me to 5 different counselors. He quit each time after 2-3 sessions saying that the counselor was lousy.

Moderator - What did the counselors say or recommend to you after he left each time? How did he force you out of the house?
---Hannah on 3/27/06


I never hit him/swore at him/etc. He does have his own business-I helped him over the yrs, but he never felt I did enough. He does everything himself-acctg/ property mgmt/repairs/legal/etc. He's always buying more but won't get help (we can easily afford it) We did have a lot of conflict over it.

Moderator - Hannah, please refer back to my previous questions and answer them. Thanks. Also please respond to this blog, don't open up a new blog each time to answer the question. It causes me to either delete the post or copy it over.
---Hannah on 3/27/06


Thanks to all for your comments,concern & prayers. My husband & his family don't talk-they're all angry with each other and yrs have gone by w/o any contact. He doesn't have friends-we had 3 couples that we called friends, but he's mad at them now & is mad at me b/c I've remained friends w/them.

Moderator - Why is he mad at everyone? Has it been this way your whole marriage? If so, why did you marry him? If not, why do you think he changed?
---Hannah on 3/27/06


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Mod:
Usually you are dead on, but this time. Can you not understand that the man is assaulting the woman, and that there is a GREAT potential for further serious physical harm to her? Your responses seem to support the "See what you made me do?" mentality that blames the victim for the violence against her. She is the ONLY one asking for help, and the best solution is to create a safety zone by distance. Later, other issues such as you infer can be addressed.

Moderator - Please read my post to Madison below. Too many people are reading into my comments versus understanding that I am trying to interact with Hannah as I believe that is why she is here, otherwise she would just divorce.
---John_T on 3/27/06


Moderator: Some abusive people do abuse without provocation. To blame the victim is cruel and unChristian. I have worked with many battered women who did not provoke their abusers, and had to flee to safety. Please refrain from always blaming the wife in abusive marriages.

Moderator - I agree so who is blaming a victim by asking for the facts. Without the facts, one can't give Hannah the most proper advise. I believe Hannah is looking for a way to save her marriage versus a way to flee it. Not picking on you Madison, but too many people here are trying to dole out advice without trying to interact with Hannah which is what I believe she is asking for, otherwise she would just divorce.
---Madison on 3/27/06


If he pushes and pokes you, then that is a form of abuse. GET OUT OF THERE. I cannot believe folks are asking why is he angry. No matter WHY he's angry, it doesn't give him a right to PUSH AND POKE another human being. I am a victim of Domestic Violence and was almost killed by my husband because I thought I should take it no matter what. GOD removed my husb and had him arrested. ABUSE is ABUSE no matter what is making him angry, HE HAS NO RIGHT TO push and poke you. That is assualt, a crime.

Moderator - Until Hannah answers some questions, we don't know why her husband is responding the way he is. Hannah may have hit him and he defended himself. We don't know the details yet. People just don't act in a vaccum unless they are crazy.
---Donna9759 on 3/27/06


It appears he is an abuser, angry at the world and punishing you. Get into some therapy for yourself and learn to take care of yourself without him. Pray for him to get help, as he needs it.
---Madison on 3/27/06


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hannah, Remain separate for now, and pray. Persuade one of his close friends, or one of his family members, to go talk and reason with him about reconsidering his marriage of 25 years and his misbehavior towards you, and perhaps seek some kind of professional help, like pastoral counselling, marriage counselling, anger management, or medical/mental check-up; and go together with him. Some spouses occupy all their time away from their partner, perhaps he feels ostracised and neglected.
---Eloy on 3/27/06


MOD:
That is a BAD QUESTION! It blames the victim for the abusive behavior of hubby. Only hubby is responsible for his swearing, screaming, pokes and pushes, etc.

Moderator - There is always two sides to a story. You are assuming that you know the full story while I know I don't know until I ask some questions. Hannah is asking for a clear conscience, therefore the right questions have to be asked.
---John_T on 3/27/06


Hannah, it's very obvious why he is filled with anger. You got saved. You became a new person filled with the love of Christ for others. Your husband evidently has feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem which he takes out on you because he sees the hope and security you have in Christ. All you can do is pray for him and protect yourself, physically and materially. I'm confident you will not dishonor the Lord.
---ralph7477 on 3/27/06


As Eloy says, people don't get angry without a cause, However, people often vent their anger on those closest to them regardless of cause, and use/blame them. Do NOT take responsibility for his anger. Such consistant anger indicates there are deep roots to his problem only the Lord can deal with. The word says "Be angry and sin not". so theres a way to deal rightly with anger and your husbands way is not the right way
---christina on 3/27/06


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Why did you stop those things? Those are very good things for you to be doing? Sounds like one of those controlling men who make their wives stop doing everything they enjoy doing. It's not your fault. If he is mentally, verbally or physically abusive to you in any way, God would not want you to remain in that situation.
---Ann5758 on 3/27/06


It was asked why he is angry at me/what did I do? I was always faithful & tried to love/respect him. I got saved a year after we got married-he says he was saved as a child, but there is no fruit evident. He claims that I put everybody else before him & I ruined our marriage by talking to other people. He got mad when I talked on the phone, saw family/friends, went to Bible study, was on worship team, cooked a meal for a needy person,etc. I finally stopped doing those things, but the anger didn't stop.

Moderator - If you stopped those things, then what was he mad about?
---Hannah on 3/26/06


Hannah, blaming you for your husbands anger is the same as blaming the US for the 9/11 attack against us because of the fundamentalist Muslim anger. Hannah in my 29 years of law enforcement, my advice to you is protect yourself. First, physically DO NOT be a punching bag. Second, protect yourself legally. If you left the home it looks like you abandoned him and he could easily walk away with everything you have accumulated in 25 years. I will pray for you.
---randy on 3/26/06


The Moderator has a point. Most people do not get angry without a cause. Are you cheating on him? Does he use drugs or alcohol? Perhaps physiologically a tumor has developed in his brain, or he has mentally become ill. Or perhaps he has picked up a parasitic demon and has become a host being possessed. But more information is needed as to why your husband is angry.
---Eloy on 3/26/06


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When my husband wanted me out of his life I made him be the person who left. I refused to leave my house.

It is clear that your husband is not interested in your marriage. Pray and ask God for insight as to what to do. If your husband wants to end the marriage, you can't stop him. Just wait and pray.
---Madison on 3/26/06


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