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Is My Marriage Unfixable

I married my highschool sweetheart at the age of 16. During our 3 1/2 yr marriage, I have been physically and mentally abused. I have come to believe our marriage is unfixable. I am scared to separate, mostly because I do not want to regret it in the future, and because I do not want to let God down.

Moderator - In what ways or how have you been physically and mentally abused? Have you seen a counselor?

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 ---daizy on 3/29/06
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Few marriages with domestic violence as a part of daily life are fixable. Abusers always make promises to change but even with counseling most do only long enough to get the wife back. It's because control is the goal and a controling man is a weak man who needs that to make him feel "bigger & better". Get out before he kills you, God doesn't intend you to be abused. Many stay, they or their children die because of it. He's a criminal, violence is a crime. The problem is in him not the marriage.
---Darlene_1 on 9/13/07


I speak from close to twenty years of experience. The only thing that you will regret, is that you did not leave at the beginning of the marriage. Many Christians wind up dead. I had two marriage counselors tell me to run and fast.
---Cynthia_1 on 4/2/07


what about when he threatens ur life even when you leave
---retty on 3/30/07


No marriage is beyond fixing if they want to fix it. Sounds like you need to start with a good Christian Counselor. Not just any counselor.
---Rev_Herb on 3/24/07


get out now! I was married to extremely violent abusive woman. no sign anything wrong until three months after marriage. she nearly killed me on several occasions. was extremely cunning and manipulative. been divorced for 16 years she not changed. she was in court recently for attacking someone! do not put up with it. The worst place you can go is to christian counsellors,
because of belief systems around marriage. all i sought help from blamed me. she would lie and they would believe her.
---dave on 7/18/06




U can't let God down by coming out of an abusive marriage. God wants us to be HOLY, HAPPY and HEALTHY. Get out before it's to late.I always heard it gets worse and it does. Speaking from experience. GET OUT!
---TERETHA on 5/8/06


#2 - The tape recorders my husband planted proved he was lying. The police believed me all because his lies were on tape. God allowed the devil in my husband to slip up. He got arrested for illegal wire tapping and domestic violence. Up until that day, I took the beatings because I thought God wanted me to submit to them. NO WAY DOES GOD WANT WOMEN TO BE BEAT UP BY ANYONE. GET OUT and then discuss counselling, etc., But you can't stay in the midst of the storm hoping things will change, they won't.
---Donna9759 on 3/30/06


#1 - Don't you think that only those who have experienced what daizy is experiencing can answer her from experience? God looked down on me one day and said "She's had enough abuse" and by my husband's own abusive hand, he called 911 and said "my wife is beating me." When the police got there,they found two voice activated tape recorders wired together hidden behind our sofa along with a loaded gun. I had no clue either were there. My point is this: see post #2
---Donna9759 on 3/30/06


Nothing is unfixable if you have faith in God.
Gods will, will be done.
If you want your marriage to work, you must examine your relationship with your husband form every aspect, and he should do the same. There should be common goals, and room for individuality.
The abuse, must not continue. It should be discussed openly until a satisfactory result is found.
Communication is key, lines must be kept open.
Prayer is a miracle worker ....
---lynet on 3/30/06


2.
Seek shelter if your home has become unbearaable, and call your local social services agency to seek cuonseling, and resources. Your personal saftey and that of your children is important. I'm all for pastoral counseling, if the counselor has knowledge of domestic violence, and the laws surrounding it.
There ae no scriptures that say you must stay in a marriage and be phisically and mentally assaulted by your spouse.
Phisical abuse; pushing, slap, bite, kick, hit with fist, choke, stab etc.
---lynet on 3/30/06




1. As a menatal health therapist, and counsler in several areas I realize that each individual in a helping profession has his/her own way of developing a realationship with clients. I find it very helpful if a person is allowed to vent as I take notes and make brief comments during our initial session. The second session usually involves very pointed question concering the issues that brought them to seek counseling.

Moderator - I agree about the pointed questions because without them nothing can possible change.
---lynet on 3/29/06


I was trained to Counsel, but not by asking questions. I was trained to walk, with the Client, on the road to understanding why they responded to things the way they did, when enlightenment about why they behaved as they did came, then I would help guide their examination of that behavior. I could also share my personal experience, carefully and wisely, if in that area. Counselors aren't suspose to lead with questioning, but to support without judgement. Letting them decide what they share and when to do it.

Moderator - Sounds like that is the difference.
---Darlene_1 on 3/29/06


Tammy ... # 2 Having said that, there does seem to be a prevalence on these blogs of the attitude that, since a wife must submit to the husband, then when things go wrong (even abuse of the wife) it is usually the woman's fault.
But as a counsellor, you surely ask similar questions to those raised by Mod?
---alan_of_UK on 3/29/06


Tammy ... # 1 "And, it's not our decision if she believes she is abused. If she believes she is...she is"
We had a case recently hgere where a mother was at her wit's end because her daughter was so vile. It was only with investigation that she understood the reason was the daughter was mirroring her mother's behaviour.
---alan_of_UK on 3/29/06


Moderator....I am a counselor and I too, believe the means of abuse is not important. And, it's not our decision if she believes she is abused. If she believes she is...she is.

Moderator - That is why she needs to be asked appropriate questions. I hope as a counselor you don't tell everyone to run for the hills without asking more indepth questions.
---Tammy on 3/29/06


Mod. Why are you insistant on asking personal details? If anyone states that they are "physically" or "mentally" abused, then take it for what they say without the DIRTY LAUNDRY!

Moderator - Fred are you a trained counselor or a pastor? If not, calm done and learn.
---Fred_S. on 3/29/06


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