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I Feel Unloved And Insecure

My husband is a pastor for over 20 yrs. We just celebrated our 28th anv. He travels 2 weeks out of a month. We just had our first grandchild and he goes on a 7 day cruise with my youngest child and knows I am unhappy about it. I feel like a fool, unloved, insecure and jealous. Am I fool or not?

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 ---erie on 8/2/06
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Dear Wife. Is it possible you could have let the mother of the child, deal with the baby, and went on the trip with the other daughter and husband? Do you usually travel with your husband? Have you been letting them get away with this over the years?How is the marriage working? Good.Bad. These questions you did not bring up.
---Robyn on 4/20/11

talk and sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel.he maybe clueless whats going on inside you.make a self analysis too.think of the reason why you are left behind..there could be reasons why he is not bringing you with him.
father and daughter bonding should not be malign opposite to what others have been trying to emphasize here.we should abstain from ill thoughts of others (c:
---mj on 4/19/11

talk and sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel.he maybe clueless whats going on inside you.make a self analysis too.think of the reason why you are left behind..there could be reasons why he is not bringing you with him.
father and daughter bonding should not be malign opposite to what others have been trying to emphasize here.we should abstain from ill thoughts of others (c:
---mj on 4/19/11

This is one of the reason I will probably never marry again. Some people are so insensitive. This is the ultimate slap in the face. He is an insensitive jack---of the worse kind.The child is worse than he. Did you tell him how you felt? How could they do something like this and not include you. I am afraid you have a bad problem on your hands. Your relationship is in deep trouble. A lot of work ahead.
---Robyn on 4/18/11

Sorry about what is happening, it is very human to feel this way. But Madam, in your heart right now, is it God 1st and husband 2nd or the other way round? I plead with you to re-ignite/revive your relationship with God, then even your husband shall never be able to take away your peace and joy.
---Adetunji on 4/18/11

sorry to say this and i hope i am wrong. there is something going on between your husband and your daughter. what are they doing on a 7 day cruise together???
---mary on 4/17/11

Hi, my dear sister

I think that a husband should reverence the feelings of his wife he needs to treat you with a little more respect and show you lots of love, you both should have a talk about how you feel and come to an understanding if he went on the cruise with the granddaughter he should have taken you with them.

---leandra on 12/21/08

From what you have said their is not enough information to determine whether or not you are a fool. As to feeling jealous and unloved, it is perfectly natural to feel that way under the circumstances. You obviously have suffered long in loving this man ... . My empathy is with you. I want to say I will be praying for you... I am in a similar circumstance of feeling unloved and being overwhelmed with my own pain that I don't know what to do myself, but cling to God.
---Reva on 11/24/08

you are not a fool and what the flip is your husband going on a cruise with your daughter and not his wife? pastor or not, that's kind of rediculous rather than odd or unholy. Especially if you are against the idea and he just blew off your feelings. Someone mentioned idolizing your hubby instead of Christ. Get that straight in your life and then state the desire for more respect as his wife from the hubby. God Bless!
---Nicola on 4/4/08

You are going through the downside or the hellish side of marriage. Your husband should not have left you in the state of mind you are in, if he was a loving and caring husband. He seems to be a selfish,uncaring person.Who gives very little but expects much in return. Your problems are numerous and your marriage is in trouble. Roll up your sleeves and get ready to do battle. My prayers are with you.
---Robyn on 4/3/08

A pastors wife is a very lonely one if you do not have a strong relationship with God yourself. I have a suggestion for you and I want you to take it how you want... Watch the DVD "the secret" I'm telling you, it is truly inspirational and it will have you feeling better! Just know that all the mum-bo-jumbo they are talking about the "universe" just focus back on God.
---Debbie on 4/3/08

Hi, Erie . . . Different couples are unique and even funny in their ways of handling issues together and communicating. So - - I wouldn't want to tell you some formula, set and uncreative, for how you and your husband relate. You have prepared together for this moment, so you would take things this way...versus feeling he has always loved and supported you and means no hurt by this. And how have you been relating with him so lovingly, up to this point...versus running off so busy, so often, maybe?
---Bill_bila5659 on 4/2/08

If you are unhappy, it is time to do something about it. It sounds like you have given your husband all the power in your relationship. It doesn't have to be that way. You are not a child. You are a partner in a 28 year old marriage. Pray, and ask your friends if they know of a good therapist. If not, look in the yellow pages for counselors. God wants us to live life to the fullest, not to think of ourselves as unloved, insecure and jealous. You made the first step. You're no fool!
---deb on 4/2/08

Barbara:If it was the"Instamt forgiveness system"what was the need of the post?Only You can answer the post, or your system is not working.
---Emcee on 4/2/08

In order for someone to be forgiven I guess it take's a time where they are prepared to come to themselves and realise somethings wrong, forgiveness is easy if both sides agree it can then be resolved. When a man/Woman refuses to accept that wrong the spanner really gets chucked into the works and the repair can take years or never even Never get fixed. forgiveness then rests on the believer, and thats hard I'm not saying unachieveable, JUST HARD!.
---Carla5754 on 4/2/08

I have read the responses and there is not one response that says forgive him for being thoughtless. My husband and I work on what I call the "instant forgiveness" method. In other words, I forgive him before he asks and he does the same for me. That way the sun does not go down on our anger and we realize that we both do things that are not really good for our relationship.
---Barbara on 4/1/08

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Youir Husband is a Bully pastor or not HE needs Councelling .He is in need of evaluation.A wife is a MATE helper she should also have the joys which he also enjoys.
---Emcee on 4/1/08

No your not a fool your feeling low and it's posssibly because he does not show you the right loving commitment he does his own child. Its not that your jealous at all, on't beat yourself up about it, your concerned that he does not desplay the same love towards you or have the need to be close to him in a way that he could be on the same cruise but only with you. I take nothing away from his child he just needs to loving you in a way where you need'nt feel rejected. (MEN) for you!
---Carla5754 on 4/1/08

you are a pastors wife . people should be coming to you for resolution. i understand at the end of the day you are human .. but unless she is not his daughetr you have nothin to worry about. m sure he is working for the Lord if its time you want why not go with with him
---chichi on 3/31/08

After talking to someone about cruises I find that they are not for Christians. Nothing but worldly things take place on a cruse. why did you not go? He should put his wife second after God. God does not expect him to ignore you. I can't help feel he has a dark secret.
---Rev_Herb on 5/12/07

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My husband was a Baptist preacher and he went a lot of places that he didn't ask me to go with him Did you tell him you did not like the idea ?? men are not the most thoughtfull people he mayhave thought you wonded to stay with your daughter and help her
---Betty on 8/22/06

On the question of accountability, I don't beleive that God would expect a pastor to have any higher level of accountability to Him, than the pastor has to his wife. OK God is higher in importsnc than the wife, but measurement of the accountabily is not greater. Responsibility to one family is included within one's responsiblity to God.
There should be no competition between the two.
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/8/06

Of course, Madison, I agree with you wholeheartedly! The husband must be willing to participate in marital counseling. However, I also know that people in positions of authority within the church are called to a higher degree of accountability, which is as it should be. I was only trying to make the point that the wife in this situation is far from helpless & doesn't have to set back with a smile on her face "rejoicing in the Lord" while her husband leaves her at home. She has options.
---Crystal on 8/8/06

If the husband is still unwilling to participate, she will have to accept or make a tough decision. I mainly meant that she alone cannot make anyone accountable to her for their behavior. He is ultimately accountable to God for how he handles his marriage.
---Madison1101 on 8/7/06

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Crystal: I totally agree that IF the pastor/husband is unwilling to participate in marital therapy the wife could/should seek the leadership of the church in assisting in this matter. Before going to the leadership, she may want to speak to one trusted friend who both husband and wife trust to keep their business confidential to see if husband will go into marital therapy with her. I believe the wife should first start by trying to get the husband into marital therapy on her own first.
---Madison1101 on 8/7/06

I have agreed with you many times, Madison, BUT you had better believe that a pastor CAN be called to account. In fact the Word of God teaches that he is to be confronted by the leadership!! If I were the wife in this situation, I would go to the church board and ask for their assistance. A man of god is called to "Love his wife as Christ loved the church." I believe this includes meeeting the wife's needs. Of course the wife is not exempt from following the same guidelines.
---Crystal on 8/7/06

Crystal: "The answer is healing the marriage and making this pastor accountable!!" One cannot make someone anything they are unwilling to be. This pastor has to be willing. I suggested they go to marriage counseling. I did not suggest the wife go on a cruise alone.

I also know many wives who have been married to jerks but have found joy and happiness in life in spite of their husbands. That is because they focused on the Lord and not their husband to meet their needs.
---Madison1101 on 8/5/06

I think that happiness in a marriage is dependent upon BOTH people being obedient to Christ. When one is straying off in another direction, they should be confronted. Yes, that should be done with love, BUT the answer is not finding a way to go on a cruise alone and be happy. The answer is healing the marriage and making this pastor accountable!!
---Crystal on 8/5/06

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Crystal: I am not saying that the husband's insensitivity should not be addressed. I am saying that her happiness should not be dependent on his obedience to the Word.

They should be in marital counseling to address his mistakes in judgement. She needs to find joy in the Lord, and avenues where she can enjoy things like cruises as well.
---Madison1101 on 8/4/06

Herb is right here. If this chap loves God, part of that love should be love of his wife. Loving God is not sepatate from love of neighbur, nor of love of wife, or of family.
A man cannot love God and yet not love his wife & family.
He should not have gone on the cruise... it was an unGodly action towards his wife and family
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/4/06


With all due respect, THIS woman's husband is a PASTOR!! He knows the Word of God and what his obligations are as a "godly" husband. Going on cruises without his wife? Inexcusable. I would not sit back on my hands and smile while my husband went on a cruise without me! That's just the bottom line for me. You may feel differently, but I don't think being submissive is the same thing as being STUPID!
---Crystal on 8/4/06

shira: daphne is right. Submission is based on the wife's obedience to the Lord, not on the husband's love for the wife.
---Madison1101 on 8/3/06

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Crystal: There are many Christian women I know that are married to unbelievers who do not obey God's word for marriage and these women are able to find happiness and joy in their relationship to Christ. It is possible, if the wife is willing to totally surrender to the Lord.
---Madison1101 on 8/3/06

shira, Scripture does not say "if your husband loves you as Christ loves the church, THEN you are to submit to him." Being submissive is NOT contingent on behaviour. The only legitimate reason not to submit is if he asks her to do something that violates scripture. By the way, submission is not the same as agreement, hence the Lord telling us to do so. Not to submit is rebellion.
---daphn8897 on 8/3/06


I did not mean that a "wife's happiness depends on her husband's spiritual leadership." What I meant was that I think it is impossible to be happy (in the marriage) simply because we know Christ. And don't forget that the Word of God also says that a man is to "love his wife as Christ loved the church, enough to lay down his life for her." If my husband was "cruising without me," I would DEMAND an explanation, and he would make a choice.
---Crystal on 8/3/06

I agree Rev. Herb, cruises are not for christians unless you go on a christian cruise. I have been on one and all I saw was food for gluttony, gambling for loosing, music for rockers and much walking to loose weight. Dear sweet lady, why didn't you confront him when he told you he was going on a cruise? Husbands are to love their wives the way Christ loves the church and gave himself for it. THEN, you can be in submission.
---shira on 8/3/06

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Crystal: No submissive Christian wife demands anything of her husband. Scripture says "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives," 1 Peter 3:1

Ephesians says that the wife is to respect her husband. When a person respects another they do not demand anything from them. They ask nicely.
---Madison1101 on 8/2/06

Crystal: My husband left me and started dating the day after he moved out. I had to find my happiness in the Lord, because my husband was not a spiritual leader and was filing for divorce. You are wrong to say that a wife's happiness depends on her husband's spiritual leadership.
---Madison1101 on 8/2/06

erie: What have you NOT mentioned in the blog that can help us to sort things out for you? I am not accusing, merely suggesting.

At the very least, get godly counseling for yourself for another pastor or professional.

It is NOT an expense; instead it is an investment in yourself.
---John_T on 8/2/06

I agree with Madison. You can't look to your husband or anybody else for your own happiness. Maybe YOU should take your kid on a cruise? Or find something you really like to do and start doing it? God bless you.
---sue on 8/2/06

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erie, Madison is 100% correct. If your husband is the source of your joy/happiness/security or the lack thereof, you need to repent - because you are, in essence, worshiping him rather than Jesus. Sovereign Grace Ministries team leader C.J. Mahaney has a great tape series that could serve you well, "The Idol Factory." I've listened to it many times, and our church is going through it now in our small groups. It is powerful and humbly presented.
---daphn8897 on 8/2/06

This smells like a RAT to me!! As a pastor, the least your husband owes you is an explanation. I would demand one. The previous responses are good, except that I do not agree that you can be "happy in Christ" while your husband is being anything but a spritual leader and godly man.
---Crystal on 8/2/06

---erie; while I do not agree with Reverend Herbs first two statements in his answer may I suggest that you take to heart and consideration the last four statements he makes in his answer.
---mima on 8/2/06

Are you communicating your needs and feelings to him? While your husband may be insensitive to your needs in your marriage, he is not responsible for making you happy. Your feelings of love and security must come from Christ. Pour yourself into Jesus and find out His love and joy are abundant. I also suggest you find outlets for your gifts and you go on cruises with your children as well.
---Madison1101 on 8/2/06

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Marriage is a partnership,your husband seems to be all Pastor and forgotten,if he ever knew,how to be your life partner. The Bible says you have not because you ask not. Make it plain no vacations without you. Why does he travel every month,never heard of pastors having to do that, and a cruise without you,never? He sounds very selfish. Be more assertive. No fool,just a wife needing a husband. Show him,where ever thou goest I go!
---Darlene_1 on 8/2/06

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