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How Do I Trust My Husband

How do I trust my husband who has lied to me for ten years out of our 16 years of marriage? I tried in the past, but he broke his promise time after time.

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 ---lisa on 9/5/06
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Lisa, is your husband saved? Are you? Both can make a tremendous difference in trusting people.
---AlwaysOn on 11/10/07


For me trusting your husband who wroged you many times is no longer an issue because a person who is living in sin will never realize his wrong deeds. Put all your TRUST and HOPE in GOD because HE IS ABLE to change your husband. He is spiritually sick, give him the best shots of love, caring, understanding and most of all PRAYERS. Continue to LOVE YOUR HUSBAND, BUT PUT ALL YOUR TRUST IN GOD , BECAUSE HE IS ABLE ! PRAY..PRAY..PRAY..Miracles will follow.

Be blessed in all things!
Nelyn
---Nelyn_Villamor on 4/10/07


Sometimes it is not wise to trust. Your post doesn't say what your husband has done in the past two or three or more years to rebuild the trust that he has broken. It takes times to rebuild trust, and it is the responsibility of the one who has broken the trust to rebuild it. See next post.
---Melodie on 4/10/07


The difference between God and us, as it relates to reconciliation, is that God can instantly see if repentance is genuine, whereas we can only determine this over time based upon the evidence of someone's life. (The Bible calls it fruit.) Our choice to forgive can be instantaneous, but not our decision to reconcile. When the offense is serious and potentially destructive, steps taken toward reconcilation need to be carefully measured according to the evidence we see in the life of the offender.
---Melodie on 9/8/06


The purpose of marriage is to bring glory to God. All of our decisions in our marital relationships should be to that aim. Which means we must imitate God in our responses to one another. God offers forgiveness for all sin. He is always willing to reconcile. However, he will not be mocked. He will only reconcile with a repentant believer. Repentance in Scripture is marked by a godly sorrow, a turning from the way of self to the way of God, and a renewal of the mind.
---Melodie on 9/8/06




Don't confuse the issues of love, grace, and reconciliation. God's love was extended unto us while we were yet sinners. That is unconditional love. He extends this same love of and offer of forgiveness to us no matter the sin. This is grace. However, he requires repentance and a full yeilding of ourselves to him for relational intimacy with him. That is reconciliation. Since marriage is to be a picture of the relationship of Christ and the church, this is the pattern for Christian marriage as well.
---Melodie on 9/8/06


Is conditional grace what Jesus gives you?

The state calls that probation.
---Pharisee on 9/7/06


Lisa, I hope my sideline with Phar. hasn't offended you. May God grant you wisdom. Sue has asked valid questions. Bottome line, if he was untrustworthy for the 1st 10 years, but has taken consistent, sincere steps to rebuild for the last 6, then my opinion is that you need to grow in trust. Conversely, if his untrustworthiness is more recent or pervasive, you need to be reluctant to trust. Either way, trusting God will be the real challenge. Jack is right, a Christian counselor is a good idea.
---Melodie on 9/6/06


Pharisee, quote correctly. It is the responsibility of the offending spouse to nurture trust back into the relationship. You are jumping to conclusions. I never said that reconciliation is a one-way street. Of course it is a two way street. But if one is going to rebuild, one must do so wisely. We don't offer unconditional trust to someone who has proved themselves untrustworthy. That would be the opposite of love, because it would encourage the untrustworthy person to continue in his or her sin.
---Melodie on 9/6/06


LISA, does your husband have an addiction problem like drugs/alcohol whatever? Does he lie about EVERYTHING? or just some kind of problem in his life? My husband was an addict and he used to lie all the time about money and drugs, but as far as anything else I could trust him to tell the truth. Is that how it is with you and your husband?
---sue on 9/6/06




"It is the responsibility of the person who has a pattern of wrong-doing to rebuild"
Yes but Guess what Melodie, this is just human nature, if we don't take an active part in it there is the temptation to sabotage it, which is not God's desire for a marriage.
You may enjoy what your book says, and it may well be thought out, but don't tell me that a restoration is a one way process, that's Non-sense and it doesn't work.
---Pharisee on 9/6/06


Pharisee,
It is the responsibility of the person who has a pattern of wrong-doing to rebuild, or you take biblical steps of confrontation and consequences. Do not try to convince yourself to trust a person who has proved they areuntrustworthy. Consequences are Biblical. Free, unconditional trust is not Biblical, nor is it loving. Real love does not give trust away freely. If you love someone, you want him to have character. Otherwise, he will destroy his life.
---Melodie on 9/6/06


I can't help wondering what HIS story would be.
There definitely is a failure to communicate here--on both sides.
You need godly counsel and guidance as a couple, it seems to me.
---Jack on 9/6/06


Lisa:
Is the issue adultery, alcohol or gambling, or something else? You do not say.
Each of the above are different addictions, "fulfilling" different perceived needs of hubby.
No one can change hubby except Christ, as hubby lets him. However, you can change yourself, and your perception of the problem if you seek godly, professional counseling via clergy, or trained counselors.
---JohnT on 9/6/06


lisa, does he know that you know he's lying? Do you confront him each and every time? If yes, then ask him WHY he's making the choice to lie to you. If he denies he's lying to you, then bind that lying spirit in Jesus name. It cannot operate in him if you bind the lying spirit in Jesus name ..do it every day. Of course that's the spiritual answer. You may want a more practical one.
---Donna9759 on 9/6/06


Trust does not get rebuilt from the sidelines waiting for a day when we feel like we can trust.
Anyone who operates according to "feelings" is crippled in fear.
Trust: a decision, you either do or won't.
You're asking how not to get hurt, and what you should be asking is how can I endure.
Give up on cozy dreams, Jesus did; he said "no servant is greater than his master." "let this cup pass from me" "anyone who finds his life shall lose it"
---Pharisee on 9/5/06


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It is the responsibility of the person wronged or you quit. Are we told that our love should be conditional or perfect? (see Matt 5:48)
If you don't make every stride along with him in restoring this relationship, you'll make sure his shame overwhelms him.
Don't let yourself quit because it hurts, you can't see what this relationship is going to be yet, (God does) but you've got to help lay the bricks as he hauls them.
Have faith and trust can be a choice.
---Pharisee on 9/5/06


In the book The Dance of Restoration, on p. 113, it says, "Betrayal robs the spouse of trust, love, and affection toward the one who cheated. . .It is not the task of the injured spouse to re-create these feelings, but the task of the betrayer to nurture them back to life in the spouse."
---Melodie on 9/5/06


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