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Think I Never Loved My Husband

I don't think I was ever in love with my husband. I think I was in love with the idea. I don't remember ever having that yearning feeling. No eye contact during love, don't want to sleep with him or see his face. Everything is awkward. Married 3 years today. Depressed and want to love him.

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 ---Sandy on 9/26/06
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Sandy: What would you do or feel if the Lord takes you into a prison? In a place where you cannot date or share love? Some are in there right now without actually committing the offence they were condemned for. Jesus can help you to love your husband IF AND ONLY IF you let HIM.
---Adetunji on 9/28/10

First of all, you need to pay attention to where your focus is.Alot of us have had the same feelings you are having and doubted our decisions. Answer this.Is he a good man? Does he care about you? Can you depend on him? Focus on the good in him and do not allow yourself to think negatively. Make the effort to be the best wife you can be. Love is a choice!!! I am talking from experience, I have been through this and I can tell you that I have now been married for 22 years, My husband is wonderful.We were committed to each other. More important than anything is having Jesus in your life and knowing Him and living by His example. I pray that you find true happiness.
---Judi on 9/27/10

I'm in the same boat. 17 yrs. later and it's killing me. There is no feelings on my end, he loves me however. I want to set him free. I'm mean and he deserves way better. My mom said he should leave me and take the kids. Maybe she is right.
---Kris on 9/9/10

Repent for your selfishness and ask for forgiveness. God can restore love in your heart for your husband.
Do you have love in your heart for family members when they rub you the wrong way?
You love your family, don't you?
It's the same thing with your husband, this is not difficult. You can make a choice right now to love your husband and I don't care if he has a face like a Mackeral.
---lovable_linda on 12/7/07

Fake it until you make it !!! Obviously you are a believer so, treat him like Jesus would want him treated, look for the best, serve him out of your love for God, ask God to ignite a love within you,look to him to bring this about. Father, i pray that you will truly do this, as a testimony of your goodness, awaken a love within that is pure and gentle and will go the course, thank you for the opportunity to pray for this situation, and those involved. Make a way, in the midst of the darkness. Amen.
---Gayla on 6/24/07

**Depressed and want to love him.**
Good. This is the first step--you WANT to love him.
So start acting like you do.
---Jack on 6/24/07

Sandy, I hope you find your way in your marriage with God's love and guidance. I am not really in any position to offer you advice because I am in a similar situation. I am very unhappy in my marriage and have come to realize that I went totally against God's will for my life and married only for sexual gratification, and I am not a young person - I am middle aged. I should have known better. Word of advice to all - think and PRAY before you marry.
---Christian_Lady on 11/27/06

Sandy. In the time Yahushua walked earth there were arranged marriages and allthough scripture we can follow this arrangement. It is a picture of what is to come and how love is to grow and how we have to work at it. The servant went into a far country to find a bride for his master. We are to be that bride, we have to learn how to love our present and future spouse and scripture teaches us how. The spirit of giving and sharing, stir up passion and pray.
---Toby on 11/24/06

G--thanx, Steveng...for the news--on Living Word--rachel
---Reiter on 11/22/06

Rachel: God DOES have a blog - The Holy Bible. It's a living, breathing blog. It reveals our inner hearts and tells us when we have erred. Ask The Word a question and it answers. The Bible itself isn't really Holy, but it's the living Spirit of the Word, the living waters. It's God himslef that brings a person the knowledge he or she needs and the Holy Spirit guides us as we walk in this world towards an everlasting life.
---Steveng on 11/21/06

Yes Norma, Eloy's answer is 'best'...LOVE is a Verb and it requires some Enduring, Hoping, Believing, Bearing...and if this is carried through, then what will be proven is 'Love NEVER Fails'

---Reiter on 11/21/06

Eloy, you gave the best answer that anyone can give. Sandy, I did the same thing in my marriage. I married because I didn't want to be alone anymore, but I stuck it our until he died in our 18th year of marriage. I didn't believe in divorce, but knew that I couldn't stay in the marriage with what was going on. I was living in the state of Oklahoma and they recognize legal seperations so I got one. I'm not saying that's what you should do. Have you ever sat down and talked to your husband about this?
---Norma7374 on 11/20/06

STEVEN...G-d doesn't have a Blog...or I'd give Him the Vote [not you]...rachel
---Reiter on 11/20/06

Lack of Submission=Lack of Unity

*One of the newest reasons for divorce is 'We just don't think alike'...well who does think exactly the same...submission is KEY for Mental Unity...rachel...
---Reiter on 11/20/06

Rachel: It's not my point, it's God's. The glory should go to him. But thanks on his behalf.
---Steveng on 11/19/06

Steven has a good point...submission is key to a well-working marriage...~rachel~
---Reiter on 11/18/06

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I do not want to sound too spiritual or unrealistic,however,I strongly know that if the love of Christ fills your heart through the Holy Spirit,you will find that loving your husband would just be all you need. No other option like others said,just submit to him and the love will flow.
---achor4849 on 11/18/06

Many marriages in the past were brought together by the parents or family matchmaker. I myself have known couples who were brought together like this and are still married after sixty years. How can this be possible? The wife always submited to the husband so that he would have no reason to hate her. Gen2:18-24, Eph5:22-32, 1Peter3:3-7, 1Tim3:4, Col2:18, Prov31:10-11, 30, Gal5:15, Matt5:23-24, Matt12:18, 2Sam18:33
---Steveng on 11/17/06

Eloy's Right. Make Love a Choice.

---Reiter on 11/17/06

You and your husband are one flesh; both are commanded to love each other. Pray together. Love is a verb, an action and a doing word, so carry out your "want" and start "loving" your husband, and then your depression should leave and feelings should follow. What you put in of yourself into something, you will also get out of it; so if you put a little forward into your mate, you'll get a little back, if a lot, then alot back, but if nothing, then most likely you will get nothing back.
---Eloy on 11/17/06

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Love Endures

---Reiter on 11/16/06

1.Darius, It isn't the will of God that you live continually in contriteness of heart regarding your marriage. If you are a Christian & followed the leading of others re. marriage, repentance and restoration with Him & your wife are appropriate. She is living with a man who says he does not love her. She must be in some pain also. Love is a choice. Have you sought God's love for her in your actions toward her? God changes hearts if they agree & choose to change.
---Linda on 11/16/06

2. I know if I was a Christian wife & my husband admitted that to me, I would be very hurt. But, I would do all that I could to restore my marriage to one that would be fulfilling and honor God. Emotion should not lead our thinking and choices. God gives the proper emotions when the godly choices are made. He loves and wants you both to know His victory in your lives together. What a legacy to leave your children.
---Linda on 11/16/06

Don't feel alone. I'm in the same boat & I'm a guy. Truth is, I don't love my wife. I broke it off during the engagement then listened to the voice of others who said she was my destiny. I married her anyway knowing my heart wasn't at peace. Now everyone tells me I'm locked in. I can't imagine God would want me to be miserable for the rest of my life instead wants me to confess, beg for his forgiveness & remain contrite/broken before Him. But those are my convictions. You have to find yours.
---Darius on 11/16/06

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Bre, maybe this blog will help you.
---R.A. on 11/12/06

Hi Sandy,

Consider marriage counseling or individual counseling with a Christian counselor. It sounds like you feel like something is missing from your life. It could be that it's not so much in your marriage but in your heart.
---grace3869 on 10/26/06

(Part 2) So I submitted myself to God's will, and I can't explain this, but after we took our vows, God must have "done something" to me because since that day, I have been so much in love with my husband! I made A DECISION to love my husband and God blessed us with such a great marriage. Sandy, you may have to make a DECISION to love your husband even though you are not i love with him. (cont'd)...
---Anonymous on 10/9/06

(Part 3) Sandy, does your husband treat you well? Do you think he loves you? Pray and give it time and don't "beat yourself up" over this. Feelings are crazy things, and they come and go.
---Anonymous on 10/9/06

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(Part One) Sandy, I feel so sad for you. I know what you're feeling. I've been through it. I was recently married. I knew that God was leading me to marry the wonderful man He brought into my life, but I WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM. I was so mixed up and didn't know what to do. (con't...)
---Anonymous on 10/9/06

I am thinking that you are focusing too much on YOU. Been there and done that. Focus on God and praising HIM. stop pondering "feelings" and START Praising. God inhabits the praises of His people. Praise Him every time the thoughts come into your head. Get in line with God and be obedient to HIM and you cannot go wrong. Fight this battle with God's WORD.
---Amy on 10/5/06

Sandy: Could you be in a depression? Something to look into. I would get a physical and then get a referral to a licensed therapist. This could help you work through things.
---Madison1101 on 9/29/06

One more thing...I really dont feel like I am focusing on negative about him. He is amazing! Amazing. I wrote a pros and cons was ridiculios how he is at least 90% of everything I want in a man! But why do I still feel the way that I feel. Why have I never felt that? I dont get it. did I fall in love with him or the idea? I dont know which is true. I do know that I am married now and God does not want me to divorce and God also wants me to be happy.
---Sandy on 9/29/06

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Yes we are in a church...goodness he is on staff. Makes it worse. I have been again the separation the whole time and a few nights ago I finally said ok and he was on it like white on rice. Has an apt set up already. Thinks this will help us. I think it could go one of two ways. Used as a stepping stone to get closer to divorce...scary and not good or make me realize that I have and yearn for him. Yearn for him for the first time. I want that to happen so badly.
---Sandy on 9/29/06

No, I am not longing for any other person or man. At all. No desire. "how I feel now" is the same way I felt 3 years ago when we got married but I shoved it under the rug cause he is amazing and I did not want to loose that. Well, now the fakness has worn off and it is becoming apart through my actions, I know, I feel terrible. I feel like a terrible undeserving wife. He wants to get separated. I suggest counseling least and he said we cant afford it.
---Sandy on 9/29/06

Press through this battle. Just talk to God about it. Ask God to bring back those loving feelings... Love is not a feeling. Marriage is a Covenant among God, your husband and yourself. Seek out an elder woman of the church that is wise and not given to gossip who has been married for 50 or so years. Talk to her face to face. And try reading the Song of Songs out loud to your husband while ya'll are in bed.
---Amy9384 on 9/28/06

**At least that is how I feel right now. **

Is how you "feel right now" the same way you felt when you were married?

If you answer "No" to this question, you should therefore realize that feelings change.

How you "feel right now" has nothing to do with how you felt last year, six months ago, or 5 years from now.
---Jack on 9/28/06

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Last question. Are you and your husband Christians. Have a pastor and have a church home? You said you want to love him. You can. I'm married to a bull in a china closet. Literally. My family is nuts about him, but he is not without flaws, just like me. Your man sounds good. Don't throw him away, in search of that loving feeling.
---Rachel on 9/28/06

Are you longing for other man from past? Reliving old feelings? That is a bondage. Women dream of their first loves from high school, go back to reunions and start up fantasy relationships. Divorce husbands, marry the dream, dream flops, and wonder, What Was I Thinking? Love is a choice not a feeling. With family history, could be some learned behaviors that need Christian counseling, fast. Women can reject the good in search of the bad boy. Exciting, throw caution to the wind, end up in the gutter.
---Rachel on 9/28/06

Love is a choice? I love him. I care about his well being but I cant be fake the rest of my life. At least that is how I feel right now. I dont believe in divorce but I also dont want to be the person who sleeps separate from her husband because we dont get along just because of commitment. My mother has been divorce 5 times...believe me I am scared. All of my friends know how much I hate divorce. I dont want to. But is that because of pride or because that is how I feel.
---Sandy on 9/28/06

In the Proverbs the "simple" are written about in a few places.
The simple are those who allow themselves to be affected primarily by feelings because analytical thought is time consuming and often stressful.
I see one major flaw in your thinking. You gauge your happiness by a zest that expects something from the relationship without effort. That's Hollywood. FOCUS your attention on you and how well you are being the ABSOLUTE best wife possible. Changing the world starts with 'I'
---Pharisee on 9/28/06

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Sandy, you allow yourself to think negatively about him. I don't know what it is that turns you off, only you can know that, but you cannot assume the problem is with him.
Sometimes in our expectation of what a love relationship ought to be we become unsatisfied with our reality. But reality is we live in an imperfect place. You cannot allow negative thoughts to continue without gaining a FULL understanding of them or you are neglectful as a Christian. How can you effect what you don't understand?
---Pharisee on 9/28/06

Act like you love him is terrible counsel and I don't think anyone offered that. You are bound by God himself to Him.
Clear the air, you guys have to speak from the heart about these things that are deviding you. Then after that's finished and resolution made to ammend you focus on each other's good qualities and build each other up.
Honesty and trust - things that love can be built on. Pray together every day, and become one in spirit.
---Pharisee on 9/28/06

, Love is a choice. you have to choose to care about him more than yourself, or life will be very lonely and unsatisfying.
---steve on 9/27/06

I have felt this for another though. Before my husband. I have never felt this for the man that I married. I know I should. I know he deserves it. He is every girls dream...why dont I have a zest? I dont like him. I look forward to when he goes out of town. Its awful you guys! Awful. It seems so simple. Just act like you love him. but I have done that doe 3 years and I cant any more. Its become obvious to him now.
---Sandy on 9/27/06

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The world would have us believe that love is the emotional euphoria that comes with infatuation. That feeling is truly "chemistry" literally. There are chemical changes in the brain that give us that feeling - but - that does not last.
Love is more than a feeling. Love is, as has been pointed out already, about choice. You choose to commit to another your trust and you accept theirs.
---Bruce5656 on 9/26/06

The underlying strength of a marriage is not the "chemistry" it is the friendship, companionship and most of all, commitment.

It sounds like you do love your husband but you are confusing "chemistry" with love.
---Bruce5656 on 9/26/06

I married for the same reasons at 18 years old. My husband pulled away when my kids were grown and moved out when my youngest reached 18 years old. At the end of our marriage, I learned what it meant to love someone unconditionally.
---Madison1101 on 9/26/06

BTW--the depression might be a problem in and of itself.
Clinical depression is a PHYSICAL illness, but don't expect it to be diagnosed on these blogs.
If you are diagnosed with it--and only a dr can do so--follow his advice.
---Jack on 9/26/06

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Sandy I am sorry you feel depressed today,but I think the kind of help you need it's not from anybody else,you need to talk to God and ask him for healing for you and He would give you that.Remember that God it's not only our Creator but He Loves you and cares about you.He is our caring father,prayed to him,talk to him He is the answer you are looking for.I prayed that you will find the reasons to love your husband and to find peace and joy in life.Remain on His Blessings.
---Yamel on 9/26/06

Sandy, I married for all the wrong reasons. I am encouraging you to do what I did. I committed myself to loving this man because I married him, even though it was for the wrong reasons. The marriage failed because his anger, bitterness and resentment from his past was brought into the marriage and manifested in the form of violence towards me, but I still loved him with all of my being. LOVE him by choice. You can do it. Love him by committment to a human being who needs your love.
---Donna9759 on 9/26/06

What you're saying is that there is no romance. There is a vast difference between love and romance. Both are wonderful, both need to be worked at. Many bail out at this stage only to make even a bigger mess in the next one becasue they haven't learned anything. Love is something you do because you know it's right. Romance is the spice that makes it all delightful. Sit down with your man and discuss it with him. Tell him you're depressed and get some Godly help.
---john on 9/26/06

Sandy loving someone is making the decision to love regardless of wether they ideally deserve it today. Love in spite of and not because of.
Do this having faith that it will change the nature of your relations, and a joyful love will grow from it.
9 Years ago I was in love with being in love too. Many say I married the wrong woman, and even I did for the first few years, but if you just change your mind you'll look at and behave differently in your mariage, and from this things change.
---Pharisee on 9/26/06

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