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Is This Considered Abandonment

Husband and I have been separated for 4 years due to extreme abuse. We've done Biblical counseling. No change. He was church disciplined. He encouraged me to move away. We did. Recently he moved near us, but does not want counsel to change. So, where does this leave me? Is this abandonment?

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 ---Cricket on 10/27/06
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common law marriages are what 7 years? so wouldnt' common law apply here too? I've recently read Anna Karenina and according to that book Orthodox Russia considered 5 years for abandonment. I don't know personally but I think after 4 years you might as well consider the marriage dissolved. (it may not be legal yet) I think you'd be well within your rights to divorce due to abuse at least in my denomination.
---Jared on 12/6/06


Ephs.5:22 Wives submit yourselves unto own husbands,as unto the Lord. How does any Christian relate to the Lord in submission? Through their choice and freewill. We don't submit to God because it's demanded,he is worthy of our submission. God pours His love upon us and only wants whats best for us,so should a husband. Submission to Christ isn't even in demanded subservience. It is a mutual giving one to another.That's how wives submit to husbands. Not one sided,no matter what, slavery.
---Darlene_1 on 12/6/06


woman are to be submissive under the authority of their husband, who is to be the head of the household. But, as scripture also says, the man is to love her like Christ loved the church. We beleivers all know how Jesus loves us--so if the husband is abusing--he is not acting christlike and therefore the woman is not obligated to be submissive-submitting herself and likely the children to the abuse (she is releived of her responsibility to submit when her husband chooses not to uphold his repsonsibilty.
---Renee on 12/6/06


God commissioned the civil power to punish the doers of evil and to praise the doers of righteousness.
When a husband goes so far as to commit actual crimes (according to God's laws) against his wife and/or children (or others), it may be time to call on the civil power to do its duty. This does not mean that the wife does not love her husband. It may be the only way left to her to show her love to him, to force him to cease his wickedness.
---Robert on 10/29/06


Cricket: Husband asked you to move away & you did. I don't know how long ago you moved or how long your husband has been near you, but his motive may be to isolate you from family & friends. I hope you have been in a bible church & have made friends for support & prayer. Have you contacted a lawyer to see what your legal rights are? Did he abandon you by leaving the home? He should be supporting you & kids in some manner. God is not supportive of am woman living in an abusive situation.
---Linda on 10/29/06




"Kay: If you are addressing someone other than the person who wrote the original post, you put their name on the post to show that."

Madison, I know. I've already been beaten over the head with that today. Sorry. :)
---Kay on 10/29/06


Kay: If you are addressing someone other than the person who wrote the original post, you put their name on the post to show that.
---Madison1101 on 10/29/06


Cricket::I hope by now your problem is solved & you are in the process of making a new life.Its clear He has failed in his duty as spouse & vow to protect &up hold what he declared Looking forward to hearing you are now free of this evil abuser.
---Emcee on 10/29/06


"Kay on 10.27.06 I quote you. *****I believe the Bible teaches that if your husband wants to come back, you ought to let him.*****"

I didn't write that for Cricket. It was for Debbie_in_Ohio.
---Kay on 10/29/06


alan8869_of_UK , That is very sad, they twist God's holy Scriptures, but this is nothing new! People preferring to follow the "traditions of man", instead of following God's lead(Colossians 2:8). God Bless!
---Mrs._Morgan on 10/29/06




Kay ... It certainly read as madison interpreted it.
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/29/06


Kay on 10.27.06 I quote you. *****I believe the Bible teaches that if your husband wants to come back, you ought to let him.*****
---Madison1101 on 10/29/06


I had a neighbor who was abused by her mate. She went to a church where she was advised to leave the relationship. Before she could leave, her mate killed her and left her four young children motherless.
---chris on 10/29/06


MrsM ... #1 I had been referring to the imlications of what some people have being saying on this and other blogs, because there is this tendency to blame the woman for not being submissive.
But it happens in churches too.
I have previously spoken of a lady whose husband abused their daughters.
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/29/06


MrsM ... #2 When she expressed her fears to the pastor, he ridiculed her, because the man was an elder, and as a man must be respected as head of the household. This was "biblical"
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/29/06


MrsM ... # 3 When the three girls confirmed to their mother what had been happening to them, she again went to the pastor for help.
(the church was what I now undersatnd to be "Shepherding", and all actions and problems had to be referred to the pastor and elders, not to people like the police)
She was forced to leave the church. The paeodophile incestuous abuser went on preaching.
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/29/06


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"Cricket: Ignore Kay's advice. You are not to let this abuser back into your home. Get a Protection from Abuse order if you must. DO NOT LET HIM IN. You are not under any obligation to take physical abuse."


Madison1101, I NEVER told Cricket to let her abusive husband come back. I'm a victim of an abusive (ex)husband as well. So, why would I tell her such a thing? I basically told her to let God deal with her husband.
---Kay on 10/29/06


Do not allow this man back into your house. You have your children to protect as well as yourself. Your children could grow up thinking that abusing a spouse is the normal thing to do and it is not normal. When a man abuses a woman she usually loses her self esteem. If this has happened to you I would suggest you get counseling. You are a person and as long as the Lord loves you, you are somebody and that's all that matters.
---Norma7374 on 10/28/06


alan8869_of_UK , The churches that you speak of don't have godly wisdom! My minister would never advise a woman/man to stay with an abusive spouse.
---Mrs._Morgan on 10/28/06


Alan 8869, you are so right. It is a shame when churches try to make putting up with and accepting abuse as part of submission. It has nothing to do with it and submission doesn't mean slavery either. I have always appreciated your view about submission and womans place in serving God.
---Darlene_1 on 10/28/06


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Cricket, a godly marriage does not include abuse. I was married for a long time before my husband walked out. My children have learned the disrespect he showed. They will carry that around with them. Your children will not respect you for letting a man who abuses you back into your home. God does not expect it of you. Get counseling for yourself and your children.
---grace3869 on 10/28/06


Cricket you have to consider not only are you putting yourself at risk by trusting him but you are putting your children at risk. Even if he never abuses them - they know he is abusing you. They may never see it - but they know. The scars it leaves follow them and us for a lifetime. Your children need you to be safe.
---grace3869 on 10/28/06


The trouble is Darlene is that for many, the Bible says the man is head of the household, and can do no wrong, and that the wife must submit. If things go wrong it is her fault.
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/28/06


Cricket: Ignore Kay's advice. You are not to let this abuser back into your home. Get a Protection from Abuse order if you must. DO NOT LET HIM IN. You are not under any obligation to take physical abuse.
---Madison1101 on 10/27/06


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Cricket , Under no circumstance should you put up with abuse! That is disgraceful. I would do those things that I listed below in my previous blog. I will pray for you! God Bless.
---Mrs._Morgan on 10/27/06


"A man who makes a fool of himself twice is indeed a Fool." I think the same applies to a woman.whether it is abandonment or not is Not the question-- IT IS ABUSE.To take him back would be to your endangerment & that of your boys.In England they would say "This is not Cricket--He's OUT"
---Emcee on 10/27/06


I do have four boys. I have allowed him home in the past, only to have the abuse start right back up. God has given me these boys to protect...it is a shame that has to include their father at this time.
---Cricket on 10/27/06


Alan 8869, I too am appalled that anyone would urge a woman to take an abuser back. The only thing I can think of is that those people don't really understand the dynamics of abuse or the abusers dark side. It is like the women asking the Devil to move in with them. Proverbs 22:24,25 Make no friendship with an angry man and with a furious man thou shalt not go.Lest you learn his ways and get a snare to thy soul.
---Darlene_1 on 10/27/06


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per Matthew 18:15-17 and 1 Corinthians 7:15 you no longer are committed to be his wife. He is the offender and if you want to trust him, that is something you must prayerfully consider
---willow on 10/27/06


I am a bit worried that this man had been extremely abusive in the past, and yet there are those who say he should be allowed back into the home, when he refuses counselling.
What about the safety of the wife and children?
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/27/06


"He walked out on us ... now he seems to want to come back, but nothing has changed, so I am unsure if I am obligated or not. It is a gray area."

I believe the Bible teaches that if your husband wants to come back, you ought to let him. Pray and ask God to repair whatever has been broken, if you aren't already doing so.
---Kay on 10/27/06


I hope you have sought legal advice on your situation. He should be paying child support for your children, if there are any. He might also be required to pay alimony.
---Madison1101 on 10/27/06


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"Recently he moved near us, but does not want counsel to change. So, where does this leave me? Is this abandonment?"

Do you think the thought of getting counseling may embarrass your husband? Some men aren't comfortable with such. I think the best thing for him is that you go directly to God. Trust God and depend entirely on Him rather than depending on counseling.
---Kay on 10/27/06


Ask your estranged spouses if they have been with someone, or if they plan on being with someone. That's a simple question that you deserve to know, tell them that. Ask if they have "the desire to reconcile" If adultery is involved you are free to remarry (only if you have kept yourselves clean). Pray about this, God will reveal things. You both deserve to know the facts in regard to your estranged spouses. God Bless.
---Mrs._Morgan on 10/27/06


If you want to use the legal system feel free to do so. Reconciliation is unlikely, you have been abused before. You have tried counseling and he wishes no part of it. You did not mention children in your post so I will assume there are none. Ge a divorce, monetary compensation if warranted and press on with you life.
---notlaw99 on 10/27/06


When an unbeliever leaves a believer ,the believer is no longer under bondage to that spouse 1 Corinthians 7:15. God doesn't expect women or men to suffer abuse,you must protect yourself. Don't ever put yourself in harms way by walking back into abuse,many times women have done that to wind up murdered or terribly injured.
---Darlene_1 on 10/27/06


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Cricket: It seems as if he abandoned your marriage long ago.

I'm so sorry that the counseling did not change things.

I'm in a similar position as you are. I've been separated for 18 months and my husband refuses counseling. I don't know where that leaves me. He walked out on us ... now he seems to want to come back, but nothing has changed, so I am unsure if I am obligated or not. It is a gray area.

Wish I had better advice.
---Debbie_in_Ohio on 10/27/06


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