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Divorce For Emotional Adultry

Married for 3 years. Husband has anger & emotional abuse problem. I started hanging out with my friends more than I was with him. (4 months) He filed for divorce. I know I was wrong. He says emotional adultry has been committed. I dont want the divorce. We are both Christians.

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 ---Renee on 12/18/06
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I am not lusting over my women friend. I simply enjoyed her time more than my husbands time. When I was home we argued constantly. I ran away. I know it was wrong. I just dont know what to do next and I dont want to make it look like it is acceptable to me the way he treated me. Yes, I messed up but we cant just throw out why I was tempted to mess up. No wife should be treated the way that he treated me. Got to the point on a few occasions where he would speak and I would jump out of fear.
---Renee on 9/12/07

You are not alone!!! My husband of 3 years(friends for over 15) had an affair with a co-worker. I moved out but dont want the divorce either. I believe that God can heal a broken relationship and make it new. Keep praying, and listen to what he says.
---Tammie on 2/12/07

Hi Pat; to me, emotional adultery is when your spouse is in love with someone else, or is willing to do things for someone else that he (or she) wouldn't do for you; have experienced it personally, along with total emotional and physical deprivation; it's abuse.
---Mary on 1/21/07

Hi Pat; to me, emotional adultery is when your spouse is in love with someone else, or is willing to do things for someone else that he (or she) wouldn't do for you; have experienced it personally, along with total emotional and physical deprivation; it's abuse.
---Mary on 1/21/07

What is emotional adultry??
---Pat on 1/19/07

Amazing. God is so awsome! May God bless your marriage Renee.
---chris on 1/11/07

We know that anything we ask according to his will he will give it. We also know that God hates divorce. Ask, believe, wait, receive. PRAISE THE LORD, GOD, ALMIGHTY.
---faye4464 on 1/10/07

Praise God, Renee! This is what it is all about....waiting on the Lord! He doesn't answer prayer according to our schedule, but according to HIS! I sing a song called "He's An On Time God" and He is always right on time.
---Susie on 1/10/07

We had an amazing night last night actually. He was in awe at how faithful I have remained and steadfast during his wishy washyness. I think we both needed a wake up call. Good things will come of this. I know that. I am jsut waiting on God to tell me what to do every single step of the way. I genuinely want his will more than my own. I have not felt that in years.
---Renee on 1/10/07

Renee, I am praying for you and your husband and your marraige. I pray the doors of communication remain open. You are welcome to e-mail me anytime. God loves you both.
---faye4464 on 1/9/07

Hi Renee
Greetings from me, a Christian from Malaysia. I have been in your shoes.. was abused emotionally and physically - stopped now.. the other side had major heart surgery .. retired teacher .. am still working as a lecturer, about to embark on a Phd programme..
its been so bad .. but I am glad I hung on..I am so glad I trusted Jesus and continue trust Him
Yes hubby is Christian..
Sometimes I do have to get away .. work helps me.. been married 21 years.
regards Flore9447
---Florence on 1/6/07

Kathr. I mean Gaye. God hates betrayal. Cool your jets.

Renee. Resist the guilt and blame on yourself. Beautiful prayer you have. Love Jhonny.
---jhonny on 1/5/07

That's better Renee! Let God do it! I will continue to pray for you.
---Susie on 1/5/07

You are right Faye. You are totally right. Not sure if I have been layed on anyone on heres heart to pray for but if so please keep praying in the spirit of God. My husband called me last night with three simple questions and it opened a huge solid stone door that I never thought would open. NOT MY WILL FATHER GOD, BUT YOUR WILL. I have been praying this everyday for the past few weeks. Time will tell.
---Renee on 1/5/07

jhonny, I don't remember the word narciccist in the Bible. What Bible are you reading? I'd like to see for myself.

Renee,a man is supposed to leave his mother and father and cleave only to his wife. Would God expect any different from the wife?
---faye4464 on 1/4/07

NUMBER 1: I do not believe in my heart that my husband is in anyway a narcissist. Not at all. He does not find pleasure in hurting me. He has made bad choices, but so have I. My one wish is that he would have been completely honest with me and said "I miss my wife, please be with me" I know that was what he was feeling but what came out was anger because he was hurt. I am young. I did not know that he was hurt all I saw and heard was screaming and things flying across the room.
---Renee on 1/4/07

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NUMBER 2: I now know that he was hurt. I just wish he would have told me one time that he cared. I had no idea. Call me niave I suppose. I am still learning.
---Renne on 1/4/07

A Godly husband tells his wife that she needs to be home with him instead out running around with an unsaved, worldly woman and he is called a narcissist?
---Susie on 1/4/07

Renee you have a gift of helps. To care about others, sympathy,etc. You are using that gift to help your friend. This is not a "covenant breaker". But for a narcissist it is. If there's any attention going on they want it. Not getting it, is emotional abuse. For a narcissist you are an object of gratification. They want your tears, your sympathy. They want an adoring partner. " if the unbelieving depart,..a sister is not under bondage..: God hath called us to peace."
---jhonny on 1/4/07

Renee, your husband is being led down the garden path. There's a few things that go along with divorce. Lose, Lose, Lose. For example, the division of debts and assets. Our neighbours had two real estate signs on the lawn. One for his and one for hers. 35,000 of the sale money went to lawyers. Narcissists are espcially threatened by loss. That's when you see their tears, when they figure it out.
---jhonny on 1/4/07

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Faye...I LOVE YOU!! ;) I was just reading about being unevenly yoked a few nights ago. I dont think it is wrong to have none Christian friends but when I dont think your best friends should be none Christians. Just like Jesus and the diciples. He choose his best friends wisely. Thank you Faye. You have been most helpful. I know I cant make him stay. I am going to continue following God's will and if I feel peace in signing the papers I will do so. But not until then.
---Renee on 1/3/07

Again, let him go! Let God do the work. And, let God change you before you start trying to change someone else.
---Susie on 1/3/07

Renee, you are right. It is not God's will that anyone divorces. There are many other things that also are NOT God's will. However, God gave every person the freedom to choose His will or their own. If your husband is determined to follow his own will, you can't MAKE him follow God. You must wait for God's direction. By the way, the instructions about being unequally yoked might also apply to friends.
---faye4464 on 1/3/07

It seems like you are like poor him poor him, well yes I screwed up, BIG TIME but he did to. Is it ok for him to love me any other way other than the way Christ loved the church? Is it ok to verbally abuse your wife? No. Its not. At all. Just like its not ok that I did not submit to him. We BOTH messed up. Not just me. I feel like I am pleading a case for my marriage to be saved. Why?
---Renee on 1/3/07

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I will never forget the many names that I was called and the many times I was told that he hates me. I will never forget the times when he told me to stop talking b/c he was not interested but that does not matter. I have forgiven him. I cant forget but I have forgiven. I also now know that I have been forgiven for my wrong doings as well. By the one that matters. I dont understand the cold spirit of just let him go stop doing nice things and such. I dont get it. Help me understand.
---Renee on 1/3/07

There is no emotional adultery, there's neglect and abandonment; adultery is yoking with someone other than your spouse. Your husband needs healing, and you. The family that prays "together" stays together. Tell him "God hates divorce, and lets pray together right now about this", then kneel down and take his hands, bow together, close your eyes and pray to Jesus for help and restoring your union, and healing for both of you and to be bonded tighter together as one body and one mind.
---Eloy on 1/3/07

I did not brake the covenant. I never committed adultry. I never had any sexual relation with another person. He is not leaving town because of me he is leaving to be with his family back home. The church wants him to stay. Yes he did treat me like crap and still is but its not God's will for me to leave him just like its not God's will for him to leave me. Ever read the book of Hosea? I cant believe that you are encouraging me to sign. Not the advise I thought I would get at all.
---Renee on 1/3/07

Why would you get so upset if this man is so terrible to you? After all, you say he was mean and abusive towards you. You cannot undo what you have already done. He cannot forget how you treated him. He is even having to leave town to repair the damage done to his reputation. Let the man go on and serve the Lord somewhere else!
---Susie on 1/2/07

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From what you have told us, you are the one who broke the covenant! He is free to leave.
---Susie on 1/2/07

Are you serious??? Sign the papers? To the best of my knowledge we are in a covenant together. Rather I sign those stupid legal papers or not we are STILL married in God's eyes and bound to eachother. If I were to ever be with another romantically this would be adultry and the same for him. I do not understand your advice. God hates divorce. God is love. This is not God's will.
---Renee on 1/2/07

Renee...Sign the papers! Let him go on with his life. Stop sending flowers, etc. If God wants the two of you together, HE will make it happen. You cannot.
---Susie on 1/2/07

Yes, Faye I have considered that. Honestly. She is a great person but satan is a jerk and he will use anyone that he can. I believe that he did use her. It brakes my heart. How could I...I would never tell her that. Our marriage was rocky before her due to the verbal abuse but she just set him over the edge. Like it was his perfect excuse to divorce me and get out.
---Renee on 1/2/07

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He actually just gave notice at his church job and is moving back home (to another state) I am heart broken and dont have a clue what to do next. When I say I love you he calls me a liar when I send flowers he gets mad. Nothing that I do or say is right. He thinks I am being dramatic and dragging it out. I realize by not signing all I am doing is making it take more time, but time is all I have. Hoping and praying in this time his heart will be softened.
---Renee on 1/2/07

Susie, you are right it is obsession and thats why I have had to let that go. I listed all of those things to give you a clear picture as to why the relationship is wrong and unhealthy between her and I. I know what I did and I know it was wrong. My question is what next...I know I was wrong. I want my marriage to work. I also want my husband to know that he can not treat me like a piece of crap either. No conditions though. NO CONDITIONS. I want my husband back.
---Renee on 1/2/07

Get some councelling FAST. Talk to him and explain yourself. Let him know you love him but you're unhappy with his emotional abuse. Invite him to join you to see a good councellor. Councelling is a good tool to deal with such problems.
---Caring on 1/1/07

Renee, is it possible this woman was sent by satan just to break your marraige? Did you find another pastor?
---faye4464 on 12/31/06

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I know that it was wrong to choose another over my husband. And I have changed that. My husband has been treating me this way since about 6 months after we were married and about 5 months ago I started hanging out with other besides him. AFter 6 months of marriage he told me how much he hates me and after that it got worse. WE have been married for 3 years. I just want help and advise. Thank you to all that are trying to help me.
---Renee on 1/1/07


you maybe young and inexperienced but PRAY Tell God everything daily all you are going through and trust he will bring you through and read his word go online and look up faith scriptures, God will bring you to the right decisions if you remain Sincere and faithful to HIM ALONE. (HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH)!
---Carla5754 on 12/31/06

Renee, repent and seek the deliverance that only Jesus Christ can give you. This is way beyond normal. It appears as if a spirit of witchcraft is in operation here.
---Char on 12/31/06

"The reason why the relationship is unhealthy is because when she enters the room all I see is her. All my attention is towards her. I dont do this on purpose it just happens. I am very much so emotionally attached to her. Of course she is flattered and is, like anyone eating it up. I notice every comment, facial expression, movement, etc...I dont even notice those things with my husband. I dont know how to explain it but it is unhealthy. I feel like I am drowning in her." THIS IS OBSESSION!
---Susie on 12/30/06

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DeWayne...You are so right! The husband is devoted to the Lord and this woman prefers the company of another woman.
---Susie on 12/30/06

The Word says "where two agree" it shall be. Who out there is willing to agree with me that GOD WILL work out this marraige and make it stronger than ever?
---faye4464 on 12/30/06

Divorce? In the beginning it was created as one on one. Christ stated "cept it be for fornication" KJV Further on we read rules that apply to the unbelieving spouse. "If the unbeliever desires to live with the believer" you are bound. If the unbeliever desires to cast you away you are free. You can be very devout, quote the scripture verbatim and still not be a believer. Remember, the master of the scripture is Satan. Is he leading you or are you devout to God? Consider this.
---DeWayne on 12/30/06

2) Your husband's jealousy could be because of something in his past, exacerbated by the fact that you seemed to be more happy with your friend than you were with him. For instance you said when she was in the room she's the only one you saw. Your husband should always come first. Then your friends. He may have become mean about it because he didn't know how to deal with it. No one is mean just to be mean. Hurt is always the first emotion. Sometimes people get tired of being hurt and just lash out.
---faye4464 on 12/29/06

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3) When you've done all you can do to repair your marraige, then just as with your friend, you have to let God do the rest. If your husband still refuses to work things out, then God will not hold you responsible. My understanding of the Bible is no grounds for EMOTIONAL adultry. He may do that legally but it doesn't line up with the Word.
---faye4464 on 12/29/06

1) Amen, Renee. Sometimes we plant the seed. Sometimes we water. Sometimes we harvest. It's a very fortunate person to participate in all three. You have planted God's Word in your friend's heart. You may need to let someone else water. If your friend had all those problems and you still preferred her company,it could be that your husband was afraid you would become like her. And that made him more jealous.
---faye4464 on 12/29/06

Emotional adultery is not recognized as adultery. Emotional adultery is not recognized in any court, but today family law is a crap shoot, you may get a new age judge. Adultery is well defined in law and it's not about emotions. He's laying blame and a guilt trip that everything is your fault. A very typical old trick. But filing for divorce is treacherous.
---jhonny on 12/29/06

Renee...Unless you are an educated, professional Christian counselor or minister you cannot help this woman enough. She needs someone who has experience dealing with cutters. You cannot let this woman's problems consume your life!
---Susie on 12/29/06

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NUMBER 1 Thank you Faye. I really appreciate your advice. I am on my way. We used to see eachother and talk everyday since my husband left. I have not even spoken on the phone with her in days. Hard for me cause I want to be there for her but I have got to have faith. He is in control not me. Susie, my husband is says she is getting my good side and he gets my bad. She is new, fun to hang out with.
---Renee on 12/29/06

NUMBER 2 She was doing bad things and I am occupying her time enough to where she is not doing those things. Drinking a lot, cutting, thoughts of suicide, etc... my heart was in the right place, but right now I do think and understand where it is not healthy. I needed to "let go and let God" I needed to realize He is bigger than me and if this person is not building me up at some point I have to say ok God, I have done your work now I trust you will work in her heart.
---Renee on 12/29/06

NUMBER 3 My husband gets jealous of anything that gets more attention than him. Rather it be the computer, the dog, people, my job, it does not matter.
---Renee on 12/29/06

Renee...Tell us what bothers your husband about this woman. If you tell us all the story, many in here will understand better. You need to tell ALL the story!
---Susie on 12/28/06

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You have enough on your plate without dealing with burdens in the future that aren't here yet. Those church people should be sending your husband home to his wife. They are very culpable interfering in what God has joined together. You are loosed from your burdens.
---jhonny on 12/28/06

This is frustrating for me as well Cara. Its like he is making a decision for me. I can never remarry without committing adultry. I have no desire to date but someday I may. That just opens another bag of worms. What if I do remarry and have children? I am VERY young and I do desire to have children. It is all very overwhelming. I spoke with him last night and it is just not him talking. I told him that. Its so obvious. He is so mean. But I just cant loose hope. I just cant.
---Renee on 12/27/06

Renee, many times I told a friend she needed God, she still thought it was me. I finally had to break it off with her. She did finally understand that it was God all along. She even managed to work things out with her family. I share my experiences because experience(and the Bible)is the best teacher. If we can learn from someone elses experiences we don't have to make them all ourselves. You will find many different views here in this forum. May I suggest finding another pastor you can confide in.
---faye4464 on 12/27/06

Is this the offer? You give up your friend, and then we'll have a marriage. Or is it. When you have no friends we'll have a marriage. Are you allowed to have any friends. Are you allowed to share your husbands friends, like the ones who support him in divorce. Anything can become toxic, even faith and religion. And there's never a shortage of enablers to work the process along.
---jhonny on 12/27/06

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Again one can Divorce for any reason possible outlined by what Laws opperate in your own Country. To Re-marry the only reason one can re-marry is if the spouse that asks for the divorce is doing so on the grounds of Fornication/Adultery. Otherwise both will comtitt Adultery if both re-marry. Matthew 19:1:11
The desciples concluded that
''It is better not marry if the case is the same (both commit Adultery) if they both remarry'' (parapraised) Read it for yourselves.
---Cara5754 on 12/27/06

The church is often a corporation today. Also an institution and/or organization. They can abuse as well.
To support a divorce, and support your husband in a divorce is revealing. Are they acting according to what God reveals in his word. Of course not. God is revealing something to you that few people have an opportunity to see. I'm sorry Renee, this betrayal is a painful experience. Christ also was betrayed. You're in good company.
---jhonny on 12/26/06

I do not want to abandon her. She has been condemned, pushed down, and hurt by many Christians including her parents. She does not need me, she needs God and I have faith that he will take care of her. She knows that if my husband and I work I will never be able to be in contact with her again. EVER. She understands that my marriage is more important to me than a friendship. So back my my marriage - topic of conversation. I sent him flowers on Saturday.
---Renee on 12/26/06

He got upset with me and told me not to waste my money. I told him that anyone that is encouraging him to divorce me is a liar and I just want to make sure that he knows that. He has to have a support system because this is not like him, he would never act this way. His family and for sure the church is supporting him. I am so confused.
---Renee on 12/26/06

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Yes, I messed up I did and I can admit that, but it will also never ok for him to treat me the way he did and it is NOT grounds for divorce. From what he says the church knows that I want to reconcile and they are still ok with him going through with the divorce
---Renee on 12/26/06

God can and does restore marriages. However, marriage restoration is a very narrow path and unfortunately, few find it. Are are willing to seek Him with your whole heart? Are you willing to show Him that He and He alone is enough? Are you willing to cry out to Him to transform your heart? Do not focus on your husband right now. He is God's business. You will not win your husband's HEART back by pursuing him but God can turn his heart back to you as you seek God first.
---Kandace on 12/26/06

There is one main ingredient essential to any abuse. ISOLATION. You have a right to take care of yourself.
---jhonny on 12/24/06

Jhonny, no, you didn't hit me with anything. It sounds like maybe you should try reading more of the Bible instead of those psychology books. This lady stated in her original question that she doesn't want divorce, yet it seems you keep trying to convince her otherwise. God hates divorce. She obviously wants what God wants.
---faye4464 on 12/24/06

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That description is accurate, and I can see it coming through, loudly, on some of the other blogs. Narcissism is emotional abuse.
---Joel on 12/24/06

Abuse scenario of a self loving narcissist.
They build themselves up, while they tear you down. The exaggerate their accomplishmets and diminish yours. This is typical froward arogance of the high and mighty. Arrogance has one addiction. ATTENTION. It is an insatiable appetite for attention that never get's enougn. Self admiration is often accompanied by domineering demands. When they don't get enough in their egotistical pursuit, rage filled rants make life "hell".
---jhonny on 12/23/06

"Last night I told her that I want to see her in heaven and opened a huge conversation."

So, basically, you are not staying away from this woman like your husband said you should?
---Susie on 12/23/06

Sorry Faye, Maybe some of my information does not apply to the situation at hand. There is a limited disclosure. It's the shotgun method. Maybe something will hit. Did I hit you?
---jhonny on 12/23/06

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Susie, guilt is not the issue. Renee has already stated that her husband was emotionally abusive. Trauma and abuse cause a person to jump out of fear.
---Madison1101 on 12/22/06

"...he would speak and I would jump out of fear."

Guilt can do this same thing!
---Susie on 12/22/06

Susie, I will say it one more time. I am not lusting. It is not sexual. Do you know what lusting is? I am very motherly to her...not sexual. Wow! Sorry, starting to get offended as it is wierd to think about and bothersome that I said it twice. She is not a Christian I love her and want to protect her. She has no self esteem, I try to build her up. I am her friend. Last night I told her that I want to see her in heaven and opened a huge conversation. Maybe good will come out of this.
---Renee on 12/22/06

jhonny, have you ever been so sure you were right before, and then found out you were wrong?
---faye4464 on 12/22/06

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"...he would speak and I would jump out of fear." Renee
Robert Hare, world's foremost authority on psychopaths. In book "Without Conscience", when you feel you are walking on egg shells usually a psychopath is in the room. To ignore them is a natural response, People are objects for gratification. You need three things to get along. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism. You need to be submissive, adoring, and self denigrating. Use, abuse and discard doctrine.
---jhonny on 12/22/06

Renee, tell your husband how you feel and wait for God. By the way, I understood that you were not lusting for your friend. However, husbands and wives should be best friends, then others.
---Faye_McGrady on 12/21/06

"The reason why the relationship is unhealthy is because when she enters the room all I see is her. All my attention is towards her."

Renee...These are your words. This is lust!
---Susie on 12/21/06

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