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Mods, may we PLEASE have a new HUMOR BLOG?
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 ---NVBarbara on 3/17/07
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Missionaries, The Gospel are sent to the far Corners of the earth. The earth is round, so whre are the Corners?

In weight-loss center you see groups of really heavy-set people sitting. Your a red-neck if you ask the instructor, is this for real or are they all wearing fat-suits?

Dont we All have our blond & or un-blond moments? Even some have bald-moments.

No, skid-stops are not in parking lots. They are for bald people to put on their fore-head to keep flies from skidding off into the food.

---Lawrence on 10/2/09

You might be a redneck if:

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You still say Christmas instead of Winter Festival.
You bow your head when someone prays.
You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
---kathr4453 on 11/14/08

---glen on 11/6/08

I have cheese shredder at home. That's a positive name for a cheese shredder. They don't call it by it's negative name, because nobody would buy it: "sponge-ruiner."
---NVBarbara on 10/7/07

Helen, they are little darlings. I can't help myself. They're still 'wild' animals. When I take the food out, they run and sit against the fence. They keep their distance. If I make a sudden movement, they always run. The minute the backdoor shuts, they run back to the food. Whiskers bobbing and cheeks full, they appear very healthy. We've had tremendous snowstorms this year, but they've made it through.
---Raine on 4/14/07

Raine - My goodness, that is just so great to hear the update on those gorgeous little bunnies. Can't half tell that I love animals. I think they love you. What an image with their little faces looking at the door waiting for you with their food for them.
---Helen_5378 on 4/13/07

A rookie demon asked a veteran demon..."Stench, how did you get in the business"?
Stench: "I started out as a wart, and got my first break as a pimple popper for Yaba The Hutt. What,... did you think these were good jobs"?
---Ralphie on 4/13/07

NV's, rabbits are similar to cats.
The rabbits I have been feeding show up promptly at 5:00 PM. It the pellets are not out there, they stare through the back door and wait. It snowed again, and they will not eat wet pellets. I change the pan, and they have their fill. More rabbits are showing up, evidently they've told all of their friends or someone is having children.
---Raine on 4/13/07

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes, a mother watched her little boys playing in the puddles. The five year old, grabbed his younger sibling and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran over in a panic. "Why did you do that to your little brother?!" "We were just playing' church'" he said. "And I was just baptizing the name of the Father, the Son and in... the hole-he-goes."
---mary5544 on 4/13/07

My cat "Poot" loves to give us love bites. Sometimes it hurts, but he dosn't mean it to. He eats at 5:00 pm and if we are 1 minute late in feeding him, he sure let's us know. If I or his momma (my wife. they have the same birth date) are sitting on the couch, he will pounce on us and get in our face to remind us it's chow time. It's uncanny, but he knows exactly when it's 5:00. Maybe the governmaent sets their clocks by him. I know he does'nt tell us everything. He's a Carolina kitty.
---John on 4/7/07

This is no joke, but is IS funny. Knothead has learned how to shoot rubber-bands at us!
---NV_Steve on 4/6/07

Pups the reason Russia never invaded is because I wouldn't sell them my coffee. If they'd had it they would have invaded and won.
A Priest sipped a spoonful one day it burned his brain so bad he couldn't stop telling lies and calling it his coffee. Are that Priest?
We useta dig wells with my brew. Dug one so deep one time it had no bottom.
The Moon was green cheese till John spilled a cup on the surface. Now it's as hard as rock.
The Sea wasn't saltly till we threw one of my filters overboard.
---Elder on 4/4/07

Any UFO'S come through here? Huh?
---Pete on 4/4/07

1. Elder, your coffee is mothers milk compared to my coffee. Weak, very weak. When I make my coffee, it tends to strip the sheet rock off the ceiling. So I had to reinforce it with titanium with a fireproof backing, and even then I have to put up a new ceiling every month. My motherinlaw isn't prepared for it. It's the only weapon I have against her. It is the WMD to ENVY by other Super Powers. Why do you think Russia never invaded us? My Coffee.
---Pups on 4/4/07

Elder, my coffee is out of your coffee's league. My coffee burnt my throat, that's why I'm typing this.
---harry on 4/4/07

Pups com'on over and we will beef up that toy coffee you make. A deliverance service did no good for mine. The preacher has still not been seen since he started running.
I can't get a permit for mine but I don't need it. The officials are so scared of getting it on them they pretend they can't find it. They smelled it one day and now they can't smell any more.
cond #2
---Elder on 4/3/07

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They threw one cup into Area 51 in New Mexico and ran off those aliens.
Striped furniture, diluted it still ate the wood.
Fed some to a gopher once. Killed 'em up into his great great grandchildren.
One kettle blew up and now we have "Rednecks" every where. That's where they came from but Jeff Foxworthy won't tell ya 'bout them. Lucy Ball was a blond till she drank a teaspoon full. Gotta learn to dilute it.
Gave a cup to Foster Brooks and he never got sober again.
Cond #3
---Elder on 4/3/07

My Indian ancestor threw some over a hill one day and now we got the Grand Canyon to deal with.
Some got in the concrete mix at Hoover Dam over 50 years ago and the concrete still ain't dried yet. Don't believe me, check it out.
They tried to use it to clean up a Nuclear waste dump once but the residue from the coffee was worse.
But all this is small stuff compared to my "Strong Coffee."
---Elder on 4/3/07

Elder, Your coffee is baby food compared to mine. My coffee is so strong that a deliverance service is need to rebuke it so I can consume it, and it still growls back. It go's beyond perking you up, once you get a permit to make it.
---Pups on 4/3/07

My coffee is so strong that my dad uses it for furniture stripper.
---George on 4/3/07

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Europeans smell bad because they take God's Commandment to remember the sabbath day literal: Six days you will labor and do all your work, but the seventh day you take sa-bath.
---Eloy on 4/2/07

Pups we have all had weak coffee like yours.
Ask around here and find out about my coffee. People here know about it. If you want I'll send you a slice of it.
When Gueido the Italian Mafia hit man drinks it he turns into a sissy.
We could't afford a bridge back home so we poured some in the river to cross on. We liked to never got that dam broke up. First time Salmon ever swam down stream to lay eggs.
---Elder on 4/2/07

Humor, we need humor. You want humor, you should see me before coffee. My coffee is pretty strong though. I have to make sure I have on my running shoes and a clear path ahead of me, before my lips touch the cup. My coffee is being considered by the government as an alternate fuel. If I could only dillute it, with what, I don't know.
Remember that movie "Alien" when the acid from that alien's innerdes ate through the ship? That was my coffee.
---Pups on 4/2/07

Woo woo woo, nyuk nyuk nyuk! Cut it out Moe!
Oh, A wise guy heh. SMACK!
---Curlys_dbl. on 4/2/07

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My sister is so dumb, she thinks "Chicken Gumbo" is Hot Wings with a Bubble Gum center.
---John on 4/2/07

He could always get into the tennis racket! (racquet)
---1st_cliff on 3/31/07

Cliff it would have more to do with the cat not having guts........(any more)
---Elder on 3/30/07

John; You've got to have guts to do that!
---1st_cliff on 3/30/07

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I keep on threatening my cat that I'm going to get him into music, if he howls at our door during the night. I tell him that he will be part of a violin quartet.
---John on 3/30/07

Why is it that cats seem to like the same type of music their minions play?
---NV_Steve on 3/29/07

Man goes into a toy store to buy a "Barbie" for his daughter."How much is nurse Barbie?" $25. says the clerk. "Flight attendant Barbie?" $25. "Divorce Barbie?" $250. "Why so much?" Clerk- "Well with Divorce Barbie you get the house,furniture,car,tv and Ken's friend Jim"
---1st_cliff on 3/28/07

What can a live pig give after it takes Karate Lessons?

Pork Chops.
---John on 3/28/07

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Little girl sees her mother making coffee one morning.She goes up to her and asks "mom what are you doing"? She says "well dear I am making coffee". Little girl looks at her and says "that's not right mom and it is in the Bible". Mother says "what do you mean". "Well mom", says the little girl "it says right in the Bible 'Hebrews' so I think God meant for it to be dads job".
---MARK on 3/28/07

John,its difficult to squeeze those coconuts for oil too!

I'll be on your side of the US in a couple of weeks, I'll wave as I fly over!
I'll be on the lookout for guys in white shirts and dark ties when I change planes in SLC!
---NVBarbara on 3/27/07

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, then how do they get baby oil?
---John on 3/26/07

A blond walks up to her car after shopping, sees a card on the windshield that says 'Parking Fine'. She says, "That's nice".
---Uke on 3/26/07

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Elder, I must admit that is a good one. You three (God), you and he may have been "thee" (God) using David of our era.
---MARK on 3/26/07

Sign outside a church "Bell ringer wanted" A guy applies for the job, goes up in the steeple,gives the bell a shove. The bell swings back hitting him in the face and knocks him to the ground. Crowd gathers Paramedic says "anyone know this fella"? Bystander answers "I'm not sure, but his face rings a bell!"
---1st_cliff on 3/25/07

A five year old was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. She said, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."

He replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."
---NV_Steve on 3/25/07

It's sunny and 84 degrees here today (Charlotte NC area)! Now where are my water wings?
---John on 3/25/07

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Come on guys, there are jokes aboout all kinds of people and religions. If your gonna accept one kind of joke and call it humor you have to accept the ones about Catholics. Its called humor blog for a reason. Don't bring personal preferences into the humor blog and bash people for their jokes, it affcts all of us. If you don't like a joke, read on.
---Cheryl on 3/25/07

True story.
While in the Military I applied for a Chaplain assistants position. The Chaplain interviewed me and asked how well I could shoot my rifle? He said that in combat I would have to fire for both of us since he was a Chaplain and non-combatant.
I said, "Well I'm pretty good but while I fire the rifle you pray the bullets will land where they are supposed to."
I didn't get the job.
---Elder on 3/24/07

A guy takes his clock in to and old German watchmaker and says "My clock goes only tic tic tic,can you fix it? " Ah yes , ve haf vays of making it tok"
---1st_cliff on 3/24/07

God bless you brother Steve. I can tell that your a stand up dude. God bless you, Barbara, knothead and your whole family. It's an honor to know you folks.
---John on 3/24/07

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God I LOVE this humor section. Thank you for letting us have these 'silly' moments that brighten our day. Bless us all with your kindness and mirth.
---NV_Steve on 3/24/07

A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.

"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiance.

"Do you have any plans of employment?"

"I will study and God will provide."
---NVBarbara on 3/23/07

"What about the children?" asks the man.

"God will provide."

"And your house and car?"

"Again, God will provide," says the fiance.

After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two talk about?"

The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."
---Pharisee on 3/23/07

Be careful Barbara... there are a lot of airplanes up there. Ya gotta keep your mind on what you are doing and not the peanuts or you'll crash into one of them.
Wash your hair in my coffee and you will be able to penetrate them that get in the way.
'Course you'll go bald but then you'll be hardheaded like me.
---Elder on 3/23/07

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Nyuk Nyuk John---love the 'gene' blog!
Thanks Mark, our Governmest at work! Did you find that dirt yet? :-)
---NVBarbara on 3/23/07

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
---NV_Steve on 3/23/07

How many blondes does it take to attempt to save a drowning man?
Answer: 100. 1 to try and save him and 99 to run for help.
---pipps on 3/23/07

Those are way too funny NVBarb.

3 scientists come to God one day and tell Him that they can make a man with all their new technology. They explained robotics, pneumatics, hydraulics, gels, structural titanium and artificial intelligence. God stood silently by and listened. As the scientist were getting ready to start the build God looks at them and says; get your OWN dirt.
---MARK on 3/23/07

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If you want to make God laugh, just tell Him your plans.
---John on 3/23/07

Two hillbillies were flying for the first time.Captian says We lost one engine we'll be 1 hour longer,then No.2 engine quit we'll be an extra hour, them #3 engine quit we'll be another hour in flight. Hillbilly says "I hope the last one don't quit,we'll be up here all night"!
---1st_cliff on 3/23/07

What did one DNA say to the other?
Do I look fat in these genes?
---John on 3/22/07

I'll be flying home next month, 3000 miles. I've learned to takes snacks in my carry on bag! NO peanuts on planes anymore--stale pretzels!
---NVBarbara on 3/22/07

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1st. cliff-- I say be thankful for the peanuts and soda.
---catherine on 3/22/07

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
---NVBarbara on 3/22/07

The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"


"Did they chop your firewood?"


"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
---NVBarbara on 3/22/07

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."
---NV_Steve on 3/22/07

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My mother in law. Ain't you lucky. You don't know her.
---wendell on 3/22/07

Would you believe they have a hot air baloon that is in the likeness and shape of the bloated Elvis. It's funny with those sideburns and big jump suit. You can see it coming for miles. You can hear it too, they play the LV intro song, on loud speakers. Brings a whole new meaning to a flyin Elvis.
---John on 3/22/07

NV Steve; Last time I flew AA it was a little bag of peanuts and a soda!
---1st_cliff on 3/22/07

Nope John, NO doghouse, or cathouse for Knothead!
Maybe Steve can fit into Knothead's basket with him!
He knows I'd never do that :-)
---NVBarbara on 3/22/07

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It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

She replied, "Yes or No."
---NV_Steve on 3/21/07

My mother-in-law, my wife tells me, I married her, to get to her mother. I told her, I don't have a death wish. Just kidding mom! Love your cooking.
---John on 3/21/07

Made a nice pot of chili beans the other night. Grandson refused to eat them cause they weren't like his mom's beans. I asked him how she cooked them. He said, "She opens the can and cooks them on the stove."
---Susie on 3/20/07

Hey Steve, if Barbara throws you out of the house for that one, do you at least have a dog house. Oh ya, you'll need a heater where your at. God bless.
---John on 3/20/07

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We were at one of those mining (ghost) towns. There was a popcorn vender with signs saying that it was "fresh" popcorn. My husband talked to him about Jesus. The man said he was a good man, never lied, so he didn't need to get saved. At that very moment, the wild burro behind him starting ripping open one of the large blue bags in the back of his pickup. Popcorn came pouring out! So much for the fresh popcorn and for the man not being a liar.
---Susie on 3/20/07

Mother in-law joke:

The closest Jesus ever came to making a mistake was when he healed Peter's mother-in-law. LOL
---donna6598 on 3/20/07

nvSteve, I'm glad you liked that, I don't usually post jokes because my humor is kinda dry. But once in a blue moon I can think up something funny. I'm glad to see you bloggin' here. Tell knothead I say "Hi".
---Eloy on 3/20/07

I know I complain about the 'old' blogs, but this just cracked me up...hope you don't mind me re-posting this Eloy.

Woman's intuition is using women instead of money to pay for your schooling. Women "in-tuition"...just kiddin.
---Eloy on 5/29/05
---NV_Steve on 3/19/07

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Our children's minister at church uses a "dummy" as part of her lessons. She had trouble with one little boy (Tommy). Tommy tried to pick a fight with the dummy. When the dummy said he wouldn't fight, Tommy said, "Chicken!"
---Susie on 3/19/07

average catholic guy, Be at ease. As Christ is, I am a Rock Of Offense and a Stumbling Block to all those outside of Christ. I know you did not mean to offend, and if I were a catholic maybe I would be offended; but if I was offended my offense could mean that I was in the wrong, rather then the one giving humor about my kind of religion.
---Eloy on 3/19/07

Now for something totally different... heehee There were two.. (well let's say) baptists walking in heaven. They happened upon a large wall. The one asked the other; what is that wall doin' here in heaven? The other said; shhh not too loud that's where the (let's say) pentecostals are and they think they are the only ones here.
---MARK on 3/19/07

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