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May's Humor Blog

This is May's Humor Blog. Access April's by looking under the appropriate blue tab.

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 ---Barbara on 4/24/07
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This is a true story

Last week I put the bird table in front of the conservatory couldn't fine the key and thought this is a good idea I can just open the window and put the bird food out instead of going out in the rain good idea I thought!

My little girl came running in Mum theres all feathers on the lawn the cat must have hid round the corner of the conservertory and caught the bird from behind, while he ate the bread.

Sob! sob! sob!

It doesn't pay to be lazy.
---Carla5754 on 5/4/08

-- SW
---Observolaire said, "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
Hey it is simple.. I'd make the bird cat food.
(Humm... What's Knothead doing now?)
---Elder on 5/3/08

MORE BIRD seed Hold the water!!!
---Emcee on 5/3/08

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

-- SW
---Observolaire on 5/2/08

I'm not very traditional Willow----you were forewarned! LOL!
---NVBarbara on 5/24/07

I did maaaam hehe

the customary response to say "who's there" lol
---willow on 5/23/07

Read the sign punk! :-)
---NVBarbara on 5/21/07

I was watching a White Sox vs. Cubs game yesterday, but never got to see the end. I made a gentleman's bet with a friend. I bet him that Chicago would win.
---John on 5/21/07


Knock Knock!!!

---willow on 5/20/07

Top Ten Reasons never to play poker with a Mormon

10. They can hide cards in their sacred vests.

9. They claim clubs and spades aren't allowed, until they get a hand where they can be used in.

8. They will send you off to add players to the game and take away your cards while you are gone.

7. You have to add at least 10% more to the ante every time or you can't play, but you must say you are doing it because you want to.
---John_T on 5/17/07

Top Ten Reasons never to play poker with a Mormon

6. Great poker face because they are always looking into a hat to figure out how to play.

5. They constantly claim one day they will become the casino.

4. They are always sober.

3. When you show your winning hand they take away and replace your cards according to their translation.

2. Announce they will win the next hand , if they don't , you get blamed for not properly understanding what they said.
---John_T on 5/17/07

Top Ten Reasons never to play poker with a Mormon

And the number one reason never to play poker with a Mormon

1. They claim their pair of threes beats your royal flush because they got a testimony that it does.


I do not know the source, but you gotta admit that it is funny, since it is based on some Mormon behaviors.
---John_T on 5/17/07

This is true. I went into wal-mart (ugh) to buy some afrin sinus spray. The checkout ladie was about 60 plus gray headed. I give her the spray. She cards me to see if I'm 18.(I'm 40+ yrs) I ask "Why are you carding me for nasel spray." She holds the bottle up and says in a really mean look. "teenagers they sniff it!" I said what else are you to do with it. I thought the lady was going to beat me up. My wife had to show me the way to the car I was laughing so hard.
---mike on 5/17/07

I'm not always Observolaire for obvious reasons. Laughter is healing and healthy. If you don't think so, visit with the depressed who blog here. If I read too many my husband or wife left me blogs, I could sit on a dime and not be able to swing my feet. Such misery. So, I perk myself back up. My humor is silly, it's not logical.
But as long as there is misery, woe, marriages falling apart, children without fathers - it works for me not to let it dampen my faith, God is in control.
---Observolaire on 5/17/07

I don't believe in using someone else's name and writing falsehoods. That is stinky.
I do like using other penpal names. Why, because some of us do not think in black and white terms. We color outside the lines, have a sense of humor and enjoy a good laugh. It is a quality that refuses to be squelched. The best times I have had on CN are late at night. Everyone is in bed, the house is quiet, and I'm on here, writing sappy things. I have laughed so hard that my belly shakes and I can't quit.
---Observolaire on 5/17/07

That's great for you, Mrs. Morgan. I don't think any of us should be using our real names anyway. It would not be copasetic, or copasinki for you humor hounds.
I am encouraged by one who's an author. If they can, I can.
The only integrity I care about is in the Name of Jesus.
Christ-like replies impress me more than someone else's penpal names.
---Cowinkidink on 5/17/07

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Ginger, Votes are NOT important, but integrity is. I stick with my own name, NOT because of votes, but because that's my name. Another point is FRAUD, for some it's no big deal masquerading themselves as someone else, I personally would never forge someone's comments, rather I agree with them or not, that's all I'll say about that. Bye, :)
---Mrs._Morgan on 5/17/07

Sorry Mike, the Post office won't allow Elder to send those 'chunks' through the mail anymore! They stink up the mailrooms!
---NVBarbara on 5/17/07

Mrs. Morgan, you are a young woman. The reason some of us have to keep swapping names is due to controversial subjects. Every time we post, and someone gets mad, they use your name. Not once, but every single time. After awhile, you learn to dance like a butterfly and move around alot.
I'm not hung on votes, so it doesn't bother me. I was tired of defending my name. It was either rope-a-dope or dance like a butterfly.
---Ginger on 5/17/07

NVBarbara, I just use MY name, too old for that foolishness(lol), never crossed my mind to use "several names" when posting, don't see a [edifying] purpose in doing that. Some strange person has used my name, without my permission a few times, some would call that "just having fun", some lying , and most...."nutty" .
---Mrs._Morgan on 5/16/07

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Often I wish my 1st word had been "quote"
then at my death I could say "unquote!"
---NVBarbara on 5/16/07

I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said "It's a fight to the finish."
That's a good place to end.
---NVBarbara on 5/16/07

I'm just ME Mrs. Morgan, by what other names do you write under?
---NVBarbara on 5/16/07


please send me a slice of coffee to help me remove some paint stains in the driveway!
---willow on 5/10/07

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Same 2 people on the blogs, same ole talk, with their 50+ monikers, now that's funny...or its it nutty? Hummm.
---Mrs._Morgan on 5/10/07

I don't see anything but the note about a blue tab.
---Cheryl on 5/9/07

Mary....LOL....Nothing you did. It's just as this question gets further down on the list of blogs, people stop posting to it. Also, they limit answers to 75, so don't be surprised when it stops at 75 answers. LOL
---Susie on 5/9/07

Sometimes I think I understand everything...

then I regain consciousness.
---NVBarbara on 5/9/07

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I like to wear "Do-Not-Disturb" signs around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. I'd say "Hey, how you doing, nephew?" "Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"
---NVBarbara on 5/8/07

Ooops--did I say something wrong, y'all? I keep looking back for more humor here but I am the last one posted--hope I didn't scare anyone anyway lol!
---Mary on 5/8/07

Hi; my dear daddy was a truck driver and he used to call his pot belly "truck driving muscle"! :D He also said something else really funny but I won't repeat it on a Christian site lol :D
---Mary on 5/4/07

"Hi; so who won in the battle to the death between the humidifier and the dehumidifier? :D :D :D"
Mary on 5/3/07

I don't know about them but when I tried this. It scared my air condition so bad it just froze.
---Elder on 5/4/07

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I know I made a mental note of it but now I can't remember where I put it.
---Warwick on 5/4/07

My father used to call his pot belly his "hope chest" because he hoped one day to get it up to his chest.
---Susie on 5/3/07

I going to take that medicine that improves your memory, as soon as I remember the name of it.
---AJ on 5/3/07

3 ladies in a sauna. One got a phone call and began speaking to her hand. She had a chip implant. The other had a pager call her from her elbow. Also a chip implant. The third lady was elderly and didn't have any of the high tech gadgets but had a good idea so she went to the washroom and came out with a foot of toilet paper hanging out of the back of her bathing suit. The other two ladies stared and the the elderly lady said " got a chip, it's a fax coming in."
---john on 5/3/07

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Steven is only w-right sometimes.
---Bernie on 5/3/07

I thought that grandma got run over by a raindeer.
---Alan on 5/3/07

I had fun playing in mud puddles as a kid. I was on a safari, fighting wild animals that may try and confront me. The mud puddle was just an obstacle. It was a quicksand trap. I would escape the quicksand every time with the grace of God and my trusty stick, which doubled as a club to fight off tigers and headhunters and to hang my cloths on to dry after a dangerous tussel in the quicksand pit. I was invincible, feared no one and was the master of all that I surveyed, until mom called me in for dinner.
---John on 5/3/07

Hi; so who won in the battle to the death between the humidifier and the dehumidifier? :D :D :D
---Mary on 5/3/07

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I have a photographic memory. The trouble is I can't remember where I put the photos.
---Warwick on 5/3/07

Oh brother.

Now the peanut gallery is griping.
You guys are about as much fun as a mud puddle.
---Obv. on 5/2/07

Grandma has a butter face.

Everything looks good on Grandma, butter face.
---Obv. on 5/2/07

Grandma has furniture disease.

Her chest has fallen down into her drawers.
---Obv. on 5/2/07

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The boarding home where I live
The food is getting old
There's furry stuff in the gravy
The cheese is growing green with mold

When the dog died, we had sausage
When the cat died, catnip tea
When Grandpa died
I left home
Spareribs were just too much for me. ~
---Obv. on 5/2/07

Obv, some of those jokes are funny and I have heard Steven Wright before, but do you have any jokes of your own, or any new ones?
---Laura on 5/2/07

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

---Obv. on 5/1/07

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

---Obv. on 5/1/07

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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

---Obv. on 5/1/07

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

---Obv. on 5/1/07

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

---Obv. on 5/1/07

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

---Obv. on 5/1/07

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

---Obv. on 5/1/07

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you

---Obv. on 5/1/07

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

---Obv. on 5/1/07

Do you ever wonder...

...Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

...Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

...Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

...What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

...Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
---tracy3346 on 5/1/07

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I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

---Obv. on 5/1/07

LOL! Obv, you crack me up good! :D I love your sense of humor! :D
---Mary on 5/1/07

OK children, before you go to bed tonight turn on the dark.........
---Elder on 5/1/07

Oh brother.

It's hard to deliver jokes when someone is explaining them. Sigh.
---Obv. on 4/30/07

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Obv-the speed of dark is exactly the same as the speed of light. Go out into the dark & shine a torch,(flashlight in the US?) then turn it off. The darkness will come back at exactly the same speed as the light retreats. There is no gap!

How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink? Easy! When invisible people can't read what you have written to them!
---Warwick on 4/30/07

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

---Obv. on 4/29/07

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

---Obv. on 4/29/07

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

---Obv. on 4/29/07

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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

---Obv. on 4/29/07

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
---Obv. on 4/29/07

What do you call an Irishwoman with one short leg????

---Warwick on 4/28/07

Barbara, I did not mean I was a J W, I was Catholic, but now Born Again. I thought you meant a wise guy. FA-GET-ABOUT-IT! Or did you mean MIB? In Parochial school we had to wear a white shirt with a dark blue tie and dark blue pants, with black shoes. The girls wore a uniform: white blouse with dark blue jumper with our school Crest, Immaculate Conception school (ICS). Good education and some good memories.
---John on 4/28/07

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Out of the mouth's of babes ...,

A little girl was dilligently pounding away on her grandfathers word processor, and proudly told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?", he asked.
"I don't know", she replied. "I can't read".
---lynet on 4/27/07

Barb...My husband has a habit of pulling up along those white shirt guys or the other group (JWs) when they are walking down the street. He stopped the car yesterday as the two JWs were about to get into their car. He wanted to make sure they understood that they were following a false teaching and that they needed to get born again. Keep handing out those tracts. We will be glad when you get back home so we can find out how great your trip was.
---Susie on 4/27/07

Barbara, Praise the Lord! We have missed you sis. Everyone pray Barbara has success in the Lord and a safe trip back. I used to be one of those dudes. Pass em out!
---John on 4/27/07

Hi dudes and dudettes, I'm still on the East coast. I'm pretty sure that Elder's coffee has been used to pave the runways at the airport I'll be leaving from on Tues. I have to change planes in SLC, I doubt that they have let him in there! No matter, I'll be carrying tracts with me, I feel sure the guys in white shirts and black ties will be hanging around the airport, I'll have something to give them. Till next week.......
---nvBarbara on 4/27/07

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I have always been suspicious of artificial respiration as given to those who have drowned. Why not give them the real thing?
---Warwick on 4/27/07

The other night in a jail service, I told a story about a woman who was very out of it during one of our services at the homeless shelter where we used to minister. As I stood to sing a very upbeat song, she suddenly jumped up and started Go-Go dancing. One of the inmates, sincerely, asked me, "What's Go-Go dancing?" Guess that tells my age. Huh?
---Susie on 4/26/07

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

---Observolaire on 4/26/07

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