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Pastor's Wife Is Controlling

My Pastor's wife controls everything and is constantly cancelling or delaying projects. Any suggestions on how to deal with this problem? The Pastor is no help he sides with his wife 100% of the time.

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 ---Jane on 5/10/07
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Yes the pastor's wife has a difficult job and should be appreciated- BUT-leaving other church members out of the decision making process isn't right, period.She is the pastor's wife not the Matriarch of the church. Do ask her if she needs help or volunteer to take over a project. Do nicely explain to her that it is a concern to others that projects are cancelled or put off with out getting other's input, and that it is disappointing that they do not get to do something they were looking forward to. Maybe find out WHY she is putting things off? Health issues? Family issues?
---Barbara_Stephan on 11/19/13


I have found in our ministry people come to my wife to use her in getting me to change my mind. I wonder if this is what you are doing.
My first duty in the Church is to the Lord. If you want my, or my wife's, mind changed then go to Him and leave her alone.
When my wife scrubs floors, cooks full course meals on a hot plate for 30 people, cuts grass, visits the sick, baby sits the whinney babies and drives people to their appointments no one complains or tries to help. I guess no one minds her controling that stuff...
Remember, if God put that woman in the church He did it for a reason and purpose.
---Elder on 7/2/13


Sic a dog on her, she might straighten up!
---Catherine on 7/1/13


Well, if she is in control of something then it means that that control was given to her from above. You either need to confront her as a Christian and a friend, or start a project of your own, but don't try to find ways to destroy what God is trying to build up, maybe try helping her out? Donate the time you have so she can put you in charge when she's not there, work with her, don't undermine her.
---A_servant on 7/1/13


The Pastor is no help he sides with his wife 100% of the time.---Jane on 5/10/07

As he should. Sorry, but he has to live with her, not you.
Smart man.

You need to change Pastor with a controlling wife to your liking.

If she was controlling him as you all wanted him to be control, I don't think there would be a problem.

Paul saw this problem and spoke about it in the Bible.
---Nikki on 7/1/13




pastors wife don't have the right to control anyone. I agree with the blogger, just leave and find a good bible believing church. knowing me the way I do, I would talk to her and look her in the eyes. a dr in the or here wasn't very nice the other night. he told a lie and said I was ama and I have never never went ama. he kept asking me if I wanted to stay. I told him I would do what he recommended. he kept asking me if I wanted to stay. I went to er because I have had many mini strokes and this time my hand was numb. it recovered while I was in er. I said this to tell you go see pastors wife. I told the nurse to go get the dr and let him tell me face to face and she refused.
---shira4368 on 7/1/13


Pastor Wives are a blessing to the church when they are balanced and understand their role as a help meet to their husband ministry. The problem comes in when the authority they have been given is misused and implemented in a dominant, aggressive harsh manner. This type of behavior disheartens the membership and leaves the spiritual leader (Pastor) at a disadvantage. Because the congregant are aware that he is being manipulated at home and persuaded in ways that are not spiritual healthy for the church as a whole.
---Sanctified on 6/28/13


To Wanda, with all due respect, the issue is "controlling Pastor's wives", not people "rolling their eyes..." The discussion merely regards Pastor's wives who feel entitled to say and do as they please. There is a Jezebel spirit that has become more and more prevalent in the church-you have other women who choose to usurp the authority of the Pastor and/or the ministerial team. It seems as if there's a personal problem that you are dealing with and should be addressed prayerfully, fairly, humbly and realistically amonst all parties and perhaps some healing can go forth in your church and/or your particular situation. But what you've addressed is simply "apples and oranges"...just a bit off the mark. Blessings.
---mel on 2/11/13


Am a pastor wife am 35 year old . I have people who feel as a pastor wife they can talk to you anyway. It don't work that way alot of time in church it's the people in the church they don't like the pastor wife to say anything. For the pastor wife have to deal with people always rolling their eyes at her talking about what she have on and her kids. Most of the time it's the people who don't work in the church or come to Bible Class or Sunday School. They say their devils in the church and their are. Make sure it not you because to can go church to church and it be you not the pastors wifes and the different churchs .
---wanda on 12/29/12


Jane, if the wife is controlling the Church, why are you there? Why go to a church where you are so unhappy? Why not find another Church where the Word is taught and the principles of the Word concerning how to run the Church are kept. Stop complaining and move on.
---Mark_V. on 7/2/12




i guess i am not alone also
in this
today there i was i had it i took enough of her pushing and controlling me around and i was screaming as i was doing the wash
the birds took off even the cows left !
---debra_gallehawk on 6/29/12


I think you must go to our church. It is a real problem. I don't think the church will grow until she is out of the church. If you find a solution, please let me know.
---Sally on 6/16/12


Hello!to tiredofsnubs..blogg4/18/12...please let me thankyou! you know you are so "right on time!"....I agree 100% right!!!I been single long..you can't imagine wow! how many times I have been hurt (previous)churches... Few times,actually physically! I will never stoop to their level.. Thankyou! So,much! ... no idea somebody felt like I do!
---ELENA on 4/19/12


The next time she wants to cancel or delay something, tell her, No, we will go ahead as planned, without you.
---Eloy on 4/18/12


I cannot count how many Pastor wives snub single women who come into the church looking NOT to get their husband or any other man in the church. I am not a 'beautiful' woman except in heart so this type of suspicion always shocks me. Pastors wives need to keep their insecurities to themselves or better yet, takae it to the Lord and stop dumping their stuff on the sheep.
---Tired_of_Snubs on 4/18/12


Pastor's wives do have a large job. First and foremost is their own families. Their is no role in the Bible called "A pastor's wife." The whole first lady title sounds like idolatry. The body has many members and others should be allowed to excercise their gifts too. It is true Pastors and their wives can be wrong, be in the flesh, their sinners saved by grace just like anyone else. Your Pastor's wife should humbly hear what people are saying and nicely apologize and maybe ask for some help.
---Becky on 10/12/11


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Jane

First of all this should be handled by your husband or a male member of the Church.

If he is already aware of your concerns then you have to approach him with several witnesses that share your concerns.

If he is not aware then one must go to him and express the concern to him.

If all fails then stand before the church with ALL who disagree with him and have a come to Jesus meeting with him before all.

If he still wont hear then you either deal with it or find a Church where the Pastor will be assertive.

Paul
---paul on 9/5/11


The bible say's that if you have ought againts any(body) you should go to that person. And if the two of you can't settle your difference, take another saint, beleiver and go to that person to straigten out the matter. And if that does'nt work take it to the church body. There's your solution.
---Nathaniel_Johnson_Jr. on 9/5/11


How horrible that pastor must be.

He sides with his wife instead of you!

I'd be curious to hear THEIR side of the story, Jane.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/11/11


God said that when we marry the two become one. Couples pastoring are biblical. Remember Priscilla and Aquilla. Don't try to come in between their union but pray to God, for that is the order of things. And God will fix the situation. It's not for you to do. If God's people shall humble themselves and pray then shall they hear from heaven.
Instead of assuming,first pray and if God leads you, then go to her in love and ask her if their is a problem and how can you help her rectify the situation. Love will always work.
---Rev_G. on 8/11/11


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When dealing with your Pastor, and first lady, remember that God made your Pastor to oversee his people. First, pray ask God for his direction, and have faith and be quiet and allow God to deal with these ypes of situations. You can cause more problems confronting your pastor, and that not your purpose. You have to learn to respect his decisions. And allow God to answer your prayers. You'll see all things work together for them who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Stay strong and hold on.
---Trisha on 8/6/09


It is so quick to point fingers at the Pastors Wife and many donot pray or fast for her. A Pastor's wife does a tremendous job supporting her husbands ministry and many women love to criticize and not help. God has equipped her so that she can run things because it is some women in the church who do nothing but complain and sit back so things will fall. May God be her helper, until the Lord send Laborers. Women do run the church and should not run the man of God. I see a strong marriage, and the Pastor should support his wife. If she does nave help, cancel the program. She is a overseer.

From a Pastors Wife
---Yolanda on 5/30/09


Is this factual, or is it an exaggeration? Is this gossip, or was it asked in good faith? Were this true, this would resemble a controlling Jezebel - weak Ahab type of situation.

And the only reasonable response would be for the congregation to rebuke it. Probably, that would take the resolve of a King Jehu mixed with the integrity of an Elijah. Of course, the Apostle John had it figured out pretty will in Revelations 2.

Ephesians 6:10-18. -Glenn

p.s. Matthew 7:1-5 / Luke 6:41-42 deal with hypocrisy, and unjust judgment. 1Corinthians 2:15, 5:3, 11-13, 6:4, 11:31 instruct us to judge.
---Glenn on 4/7/09


Hold one moment...maybe she is doing everything by herself. Does any one volunteer to help her? Does any one check to see if she needs assistance? Is she trying to do too much maybe??? But maybe she is sick and tired of doing it all!! She might be burnt out! Her husband sounds like he is! I say regroup! Become her helper. Show up early and stay late and see what she needs!! You might just be exactly what she needs a FRIEND!!!!
---Annette on 4/7/09


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A lot of women who love the roles and status's that these names/positions brings will learn a harsh lesson when stood before the Messiah of Truth and all Understanding
Teacher,Bishop,Deacon,Pastor.... there are no ess's to stand for feminine Leadership Co or otherwise.

The churches need healing of this False deception, There is not a thing wrong with Men and Men only leading the church.

Women are to lead women and children Only!
---Carla3939 on 2/21/09


Find another church where your pastor's wife is not intimidated by you and where you are celebrated not tolerated.
And a pastor that knows his responsibilities.
---somebody on 12/18/08


i think you need to pray to God for wisdom. "If any of you lack wisdom let him ask God who gives in abundance" I think another way of saying it is to pray to God to make you more like Christ. Fundamentally it will help you to be friends with the Pastor's wife because i guess you will be seeing each other for a long time...eternally if you are both in heaven :-)
---joseph on 11/6/08


Mimi, there is no where in the Bible to influence that a Pastor's wife is a Co-Pastor. Please read my statement again, my role is a co-pastor. Every wife is not a "co-pastor." Neither does every church have a co-pastor, assistant pastor, associate pastor, etc. Each church is unique in its organizational structure. That is what I love about God, HE created each person as a "designer's original." He also allows uniqueness in the local assemblies. But it's only one Spirit, yet many members. The "controlling wife" may play a role that fits her husband, but not necessarily fits some members. If a member doesn't like what the head shepherd has permitted... then he/she should speak with the pastor in Christian love.
---LadyDi on 9/24/08


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I would do the biblical thing and talk to her about your concern. For this is biblical follow through all the way biblical speaking Paul also if she is controlling during the meetings that just wrong Biblically speaking. its a very touchy subject in today's era of the Church I must say that I am try to think as Paul. The bible says that God is the same yesterday today and forever. I would have more concern if that was going on this needs o be done in a loving manner
---Roky on 9/24/08


Sounds like the Pastor's wife has a spirit of witchcraft - that is what control over people is. Either pray for that spirit of witchcraft to be broken off of her, or leave the church.
---Leslie on 9/24/08


---LadyDi , wherein the Bible can I find verses that would influence me to believe that a pastor's wife is a CO-PASTOR?
---mima on 9/24/08


As a pastor's wife and also the co-pastor of our church, my Godly assignment is to assist my husband and "take the helm" or "fly the plane" when he needs assistance or has to be absent for any reason (sabbatical, another Christian engagement, a secular appointment, etc.) But each pastor's wife's role is different. Your pastor may not be a true "people person," and he may believe that it is his wife's calling to deal with the people and his calling to simply preach the gospel??? Lastly, all things should be handled with the LOVE of Christ.
---LadyDi on 9/22/08


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As an ordained woman minister who has served under many pastoring couples, this is not an uncommon problem. Being a pastor's wife is a very difficult position, even more-so for a woman of strong personality and will. This is a battle that will be won only on your knees and with your heart as you love your Pastor's wife with His Love. She is reacting out of her own SPIRITUAL weaknesses and inward battles. And remember, this is not a battle of flesh and blood............we are in the last days.
---Hannah on 2/7/08


This seems to be a common problem everywhere. As a seasoned missionary lady and a g'ma in the ministry many years, having been a pastors wife myself, I've seen some 'life' situations. Feeling threatened by loss of control or their husbands attention and confidence is there.
---Jodie on 1/19/08


If this is the case then you could go to the decon board and discuss the issue with them. It may help!
---deb on 6/8/07


An ongoing problem that exists everywhere.
It's like growing up in family biz and carrying on what grandpa did, without realizing there is a right way! The True way..following honest guidelines, not grandaddys opinion alone.
Pastors are to submit to anyone else in relationship, just as evenly as others submitting to them in relationship. There is no hierarchy in Christ's Body. He is The Head! There is no chain of command in His Body. He is the Command and everyone else including Pastors, are equal.
---John on 5/20/07


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Rebecca, if a person has the authority to direct activities of the church, initiating or cancelling at will, and if this same person has no authority figure to answer to, it would seem that this person would be the boss, wouldn't you say?
By the way, I would be interested to hear your husband's reaction when you tell him that he just shows up on Sunday to a church that wouldn't be there if it wasn't for you.
---ralph7477 on 5/14/07


Ralph: How is it that the wife is the boss? If the church is having dinner, the Pastor's wife should get with the ladies and see who is bringing what. The Pastor shouldn't get with the ladies, how would that look? If not for the women in the church, there would be no church at all. The Pastor may be the head of the congragtion, but it is the women who do it all. We call the sick, we do visits, we set up church dinners, picnics, the men just show up.
---Rebecca_D on 5/12/07


#1:Find another church home.#2: Stay and pray about it and wait for changes. God does answer prayer. I have personally done this and God will answer in His own time. #3:Have you voiced your opinion to the pastor and wife. Not one or the other.Husband and wife are as one. It might help to change things. This is a toughie.God bless you. I hope this problem is resolved soon.
---Robyn on 5/11/07


Well Mary, I can understand why you are bothered when I tell it like it is. As far as saying something kind and positive about a woman, I would just like to state that I am very appreciative and thankful for the woman who cleans my house. She does a fine job at a reasonable price.
---ralph7477 on 5/11/07


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Oh, Ralph (sigh!); I try so hard to bite my tongue but you sound like SUCH a total chauvenistic pig! Sorry but just once I'd like to see you suggest something kind about a woman for a change. Just my own 2 cents or less here lol
---Mary on 5/11/07


The pastor is no help because he is not in charge. His wife is the boss. Nothing will change unless a new pastor comes along. The only answer is to look for a church not run by a domineering woman.
---ralph7477 on 5/11/07


You could always volunteer to do the things that the pastor's wife is delaying or cancelling. Could be that she is just too busy to get everything done by herself.
---Susie on 5/10/07


Rebecca...I agree with you. Why would someone go to the pastor instead of going directly to his wife? The Biblical thing to do is to go to the person with whom you have the problem.
---Susie on 5/10/07


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Talk to her in love. Don't go to the Pastor. Go to this woman. If she is like the way you say, then something needs to be done. If you don't go to her, then who will? Maybe someone else wants to talk to her, but doesn't have enough backbone. And maybe someone else is waiting on someone else to talk to her. Don't jump on to her, because maybe there is a reason why she cancels things.
---Rebecca_D on 5/10/07


I'm not a Pastor's wife, but I am a Preacher's wife. And let me tell you, at times it gets hard. People are always judging me on what I wear, and how I look, and what I do and how. It is hard to please everyone in the church and still keep a smile on your face. This woman, you speak of, is only one person. Maybe the reason why she cancels or delaying projects, is because she has no help from the church. Does she have help? Does she have the support from the church? If not that itself can be discourging.
---Rebecca_D on 5/10/07


what denomination is the church. What is you officer and committee structure. What type of bylaws or governing covenants does you body have.

She can only act that way if people let her act that way. When people are tired of it let her know in very clear terms that her conduct will not be tolerated and if it continues her husband will be looking for a new church.
---notlaw99 on 5/10/07


Praise the Lord! Sounds like a united marriage to me. Thank God the pastor is not putting his wife down, but is lifting her up and supporting what she is doing. I expect she does the same for him. That's what is called submitting to each other.
---Susie on 5/10/07


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