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Husband Can't Be Trusted

My husband and I have been married for 6 months. Just two months after marriage, he had an affair with a friend of ours who is also married. I recognise our problems and want to work on them. However, my husband will not tell me he can be trusted by me again and has given me no reassurance.

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 ---Sarah on 6/18/07
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Considering his actions, would simple words instantly rebuild trust?

What do you think?
---Jack on 1/26/08


Thank you servant. That "holiday" comment reminds me of the husband who brings gifts to make up for an argument. Buying something or taking a little trip is not going to fix anything if the couple are not willing to live a Christian life.
---Susie on 6/25/07


Conseling is your first, and probably your only course of action. Just make sure it's a qualified counselor and not just your pastor or some friend. (They may mean well, be may also give you bad advice. It may also be best if this is someone not known by either of you.)
---wivv on 6/24/07


-1-
Sarah,

Most here are not trying to insult you. It is the truth that makes you free - Jn 8:32.

Troubles have a cause - Pr 26:2.

The cause of your troubles:
-long-term fornication
-marriage not intended to honor God
-marriage to a non-believer
-not seeking God before acting

When we don't live as servant to God, He limits our blessing and magnifies our troubles.
---a_servant on 6/23/07


-3-
Though our responses intended to do you good, you were still offended.

Understand then, that though you intended no harm, you offend God by your & your husband's cavalier attitude about sin, & about your habit of acting without seeking God's direction.

On behalf of all of us who responded to you, I will apologize for offending you. Please forgive us.
---a_servant on 6/23/07




Sarah; I was in the same boat your in 11 years ago. It hurts, believe me I know. He told me, like your husband he didn't know if he can trust himself around another woman. He didn't want to go to counsling, he kept talking dirty about other woman and what he'd like to do to them. After almost 3 years of trying, I couldn't take it no more. It is good that both of you are in counsling, that is the first step. Continue to pray/seek God for guideance. God will help you both if your willing to help yourselves.
---Rebecca_D on 6/23/07


Sarah...I'm sorry. Perhaps I misunderstood when you said that you had lived with your husband for eleven years before you got married six months ago. Did I misunderstand?
---Susie on 6/22/07


Susie and I are in agreement. You were living in sin for 11 years and became married 6 months ago. You couldn't control our comments and we didn't offer sympathy. We did tell you the truth.
The longer I think about it, I think john has it correct. You should tell your husband you're sorry. You should renounce a spirit of control and quit making demands. A change of view, holiday, is another temporary fix, an elmer's glue type of approach. Once again, I hope counseling helps.
---Donuts on 6/22/07


The dialogue with you does remind of a woman that's been beaten up and when the cops come to the door and arrest the husband, you start kicking and slugging the cop.
---Donuts on 6/22/07


Susie and Donuts: thank you for your comments. Personally, I believe your views are not what God would expect of either of you. We did marry, we were not "living in sin", we loved and still do love each other. I posted on this blog for support, intelligent views and prayer - not to be insulted.
---Sarah on 6/22/07




I will also include you both in my prayers, for you really do not know God at all, or his works or wishes. I was personally touched by God many years ago - I know that I have been, and will continue to be, forgiven for my sins.

Hopefully, I will post an encouraging message here in the not too distant future.

Thanks again for all the responses.

God bless you all...
---Sarah on 6/22/07


Gen 1:22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply,
:28 ..Be fruitful, and multiply
9:1 ..Be fruitful, and multiply

God's idea of electing, choosing, or calling one to serve Him is that the servant 'dies to his own desires' (Mt 16:25, Mk 8:35, Lk 9:24) but lives to do what God wants, in exchange for being saved.
---a_servant on 6/22/07


Sarah...Of course you like Jenny and Jack's answers. They were short and sweet, probably because those two people made their comments long before you mentioned that you and your husband had an eleven-year fornication relationship before your marriage.
---Susie on 6/22/07


Eleven years together before getting married? You had no problem living in sin with him before the wedding, why would his sinning now bother you? It appears to me that you are both equally yoked as you have shown no evidence that you are born again. Christians do not live with people outside of marriage.
---Susie on 6/22/07


"do not believe in walking away from a marriage at the first sign of trouble. This is the only time he has deceived me in our 11 years together, do we not deserve a chance to save our marriage?"

Living together is not a marriage. How God looks at that is God's business.
What you deserve is none of my business, either.
For you to determine what you deserve, you better ask God. Did you and your husband ever repent for living in sin?
---Donuts on 6/22/07


It is interesting how people can soften up the words, we were together for 11 years, in fornication. God doesn't bless a mess.
Marriage did straighten out that mess, but does your husband want to be married to you?

"For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, 'for it covers one's garment with violence,' ...
---Donuts on 6/22/07


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I think the words of Jenny and Jack have been the most positive here. This morning, my husband and I discussed having a holiday together this August - I do think he is trying and he has apologised to me several times for the pain he has caused me.
---Sarah on 6/22/07


I have seen the guilt and pain in him through his tears. He is not a bad person - but clearly has problems in his life and/or mind. We will wait and see what therapy and prayer does for him - in the meantime, I am going to pay close attention to his actions. I am no fool and will not waste my life on him, but I do believe in giving people a chance.
---Sarah on 6/22/07


Sarah, professional help would be your best avenue. I see alot of confusion, backpedaling, excuses for bad decisions.
The bottom line, for 11 years, what God thought about livein loves didn't matter until it all fell apart. Procrastination on your parts to make it to the altar, is now an emergency on God's part to put a mess back together.
---Brad on 6/22/07


While you're still here, "making you happy" is not a definition of marriage. I don't believe anyone can make someone else happy even if all the circumstances are perfect.
A Christian's joy comes from the Lord.
"Making you happy" is a outward, surface relationship, like what a living together arrangement results in. Everyone's happy, everyone's free to leave. Six months of marriage does not change that kind of mindset.
---Brad on 6/22/07


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When someone gets married to make someone else happy, and they're not concerned with what is pleasing to God, what do you think?
The statistics of marriage success after living together for even a year or two are very low. Much lower than if two Christians marry. If you use guilt to prod your husband to make a commitment for Christ, once again, you'll be in the same boat as with his decision to marry.
A temporary fix to make you happy. I think you've been calling the shots for a long, long time.
---Brad on 6/22/07


I can't fluff the pillows up and prop up what I see as unequally yoked people in a marriage.
A roof doesn't hold up a house. The foundation does. If your foundation was not in Christ when you began this relationship and it's not today, 11 years down the road; what do you think, Sarah?
---Brad on 6/22/07


If your husband has been pushed into therapy to make you happy, what do you think?
After 11 years, you're unsure about kids, I would hold off.
I wish you well with your counsellor.
---Brad on 6/22/07


Brad,
I didn't force my husband to get married - the marriage was a surprise to me. I only found out how he felt about it recently. He thought that marriage was something I wanted and that it would make me happy, that's true, but I did not force it upon him. When he produced the wedding rings, I was very surprised. He misunderstood a statement I made sometime ago when I said " I wanted to settle" - we have discussed that and it is now understood what I meant.
---Sarah on 6/22/07


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Further, we don't have children and I have not forced this upon him either, as I am not even sure I want children myself. He has made many decisions to make me happy - this is something he is working through with his therapist.
---Sarah on 6/22/07


I am not defending his affair - it was wrong and I will never defend it. However, I am trying (and he is too), to understand why it happened. At the end of the day, we are married, and so I will continue to pray for both of us, no matter what the outcome.
---Sarah on 6/22/07


We do love and care for each other and I forgive him and all those that have hurt me, just a Christian should. I will not hold this against him forever and tear myself apart. Yes, he did intend to take up with the third party, but he didn't, did he? He came home with me. There are reasons behind all of this, and we are trying to work through them. We have been married for such a short time and divorce is not something either of us want right now.
---Sarah on 6/22/07


Thank you for the responses - I do read them and appreciate them.

I must say, however, I am not defending his behaviour. What he did was wrong - both marrying me and deceiving me, I know this. I just feel that as there is love between us and many years together, he and our marriage are worth praying for.
---sarah on 6/21/07


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I do not believe in walking away from a marriage at the first sign of trouble. This is the only time he has deceived me in our 11 years together, do we not deserve a chance to save our marriage? .
---Sarah on 6/21/07


He may not have wanted the marriage, but he did want to make me happy - does that not account for anything? Again, I am not defending him - I have laid my cards on the table, after all.
---Sarah on 6/21/07


God does not like divorce, it is for that reason that I am praying for our marriage. I am in therapy and have been for the past two months - my husband is also in therapy, as he too wants to try and understand himself - does that not account for anything?
---sarah on 6/21/07


As for dependancy, I have a very good education and have no trouble finding work - it is not as if I did not survive before I met him. Of course, the thought of being without him after so long is scary (only natural, I feel). But we are very close, that is the hard part - we have a bond that I cannot describe. We have been through much together in the past 11 years.
---Sarah on 6/21/07


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Ps 14:3 .. there is none that doeth good, no, not one
Eccl 7:20 ..there is not a just man upon earth, that doeth good
Rom 3:10 ..There is none righteous, no, not one
:12 ..there is none that doeth good, no, not one
---a_servant on 6/21/07


I believe your insistence to get married pushed this living together arrangement to the edge. Take a good hard look. You're making excuses for his behavior, that tells me alot. I don't like the term co-dependency, but it fits. This man doesn't want a commitment. You're still trying to force a crooked road into a straight path. You need some help. Forcing "I'll never do it again", out of him.
Forcing him to get married, there's a pattern here.
You're the mama and he's the boy.
---Brad on 6/21/07


You don't trust him, and at some level he doesn't really give a rip how you feel. He was planning on following through with this other lady.
If you force him to have children (maybe you already have them), and keep forcing what you want, this man will bolt again. A trail of tears, when you marry someone who is not a Christian.
---Brad on 6/21/07


**However, I have always known that he is a good man - just by the way he is touched by things in life, a big animal lover (that sort of thing).**

Big lesson here: there's a difference between being a Christian and a "good person."
---Jack on 6/21/07


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to continue;

I have made it very clear that I will not share him with another - no matter who the "other" may be. I have put my cards on the table. He may not be Christian, but he is a human being, and what he needs right now is prayer.
---Sarah on 6/21/07


To finish this part:

I have made it very clear that I will not share him with another - no matter who the "other" may be. I have put my cards on the table. He may not be Christian, but he is a human being and what he needs right now is prayer.

I know of Christian men and women that have had affairs, I also know of many non-Christian men and women that have not. I am not justifying marrying a non-Christian, but Christians also make mistakes.
---Sarah on 6/21/07


A little more detail: My husband and the third party never saw each other during their contact; it lasted some three months via e-mail etc.. as she lives with her husband overseas. Only when we all arrived on holiday was the deceit discovered. He denies having slept with her - I don't believe that.
---Sarah on 6/21/07


To finish: that night, he took her to a Hotel as she did not want to stay in our holiday home. Her husband had already left for the Airport. There, they had made plans together. He returned to her that day and told her he would be coming home with me, as I needed him. She cut off the affair completely and has not been in contact for 3 months now.
---Sarah on 6/21/07


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Now you're defending his behavior. The only thing I can suggest is counselling for you.
A good man does not have an affair 6 months inside of a marriage. There's some dependency here and I really suggest some professional help.
---Brad on 6/21/07


-1-
"he is not certain he can trust himself"
"he married me to "make me happy"...it was [not] something he really wanted"
"he wasn't a Christian before we married"

Here is what he is really saying:
'you can't trust me'
'marriage doesn't make me happy'
'I'm not committed to Christ, so I won't obey what He says regarding you'

You can't "work on problems" since he didn't get married because he wanted a committed union with you.
---a_servant on 6/21/07


-2-
1 Cor 13:4 Charity (love) suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself..
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own..

Nowhere here does the Bible describe love as a feeling. Your husband's actions were the opposite of these things regarding you. He didn't act in love.

Since you gave him yourself outside marriage & he didn't want marriage, how could you expect fidelity?
---a_servant on 6/21/07


Yes, I knew he wasn't a christian before we married. However, I have always known that he is a good man - just by the way he is touched by things in life, a big animal lover (that sort of thing). I also knew that he loved me when we married and recognised the good in me. One of the reason's why he said we would be married, apart from making me happy. Like I said earlier, I am also partly to blame, however, I don't believe he had a right to hurt my life.
---Sarah on 6/21/07


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Did you know your husband wasn't a Christian when you married him 6 months ago?
---Brad on 6/20/07


If you were living together for 11 years, a Christian man would not be able to do that.
I'll be honest with you, if it took him 11 years to walk you down the aisle, this man really isn't interested in a marriage. An affair shortly after a marriage - a man convinced against his own will, is of the same opinion still. He's still single in his mind. If he's still pining for his "friend", you're going to be fighting an uphill battle.
---Brad on 6/20/07


John, it's OK - you clearly read things backwards. I should add that my husband and I were together for near 11 years before we married. He told me he married me to "make me happy". I don't think it was something he really wanted from the start. However, I do know that he loves me and chose my needs over the third party (who lives overseas, thankfully). I feel like second best at the moment - it's quite awful.
---Sarah on 6/20/07


Just to finish:

He said that she was more of a friend than anything else and that he misses that. How can I be his best friend again - I wonder? I want to put into our marriage what he felt was missing for sometime. I recognise that we are both partly to blame. It is sad that his parents were never good role models for him - they divorced and went into other relationships.
---Sarah on 6/20/07


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John,
You really need to re-read the question and submit again because you owe the woman an apology. I assume you just read the information wrong. She is definitely not the one who needs to provide reassurance to her husband. He needs to stand up, be a man, and take responsibility for his actions. It is always tough to give advice about marriage because you don't want to say the wrong thing. I am praying for this marriage because it is going to be tough to regain trust.
---MT on 6/19/07


Thanks for the responses, they have really made me think. I realise that time is what's needed here and for me to recognise his actions rather than simply hear the words "I can be trusted". We hae discussed this, but he feels that he is not certain he can trust himself at this time. I suppose I will have to wait it out. I am a believer in God, yes. I am praying for our marriage everyday.
---Sarah on 6/19/07


john, I think you read the question backwards.
---Jenny on 6/19/07


What you have done hurts right to the core and takes a long time to recover from. You can't expect your spouse to just forget about it and have full trust in you. It is you who needs to reassure him, not the other way around. He should be the one making the requests not you.
---john on 6/18/07


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Actions speak louder than words.
Saying reassuring words can be just as empty as saying nothing. Are either of you a Christian today? Do you have children?
Are you thinking about children?
If you do not have children, I suggest you don't rush into having children until you're on solid footing.
---Jenny on 6/18/07


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