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Wife Has No Natural Affection

Please pray for me for my wife. She does not kiss, hug or hold hands. She says she does not know how to be natural about that. Because of that divorce is possible. What should I do?

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 ---charles on 7/14/07
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Edward: I am so sorry for you. Why are u still in this relationship? What is wrong with your wife? A sexless and loveless marriage is straight out of HELL! God does not ordain anything like this. Begin to voice your concerns to your wife. Let her know in no uncertain terms you are tired of this nonsense. If she is sick or having problems,then, you should go with her to a doctor to receive help. If not, you need to begin planning to do something different for the New Year. Everyone deserves love and a fulfilling love life.You should not have to go through what you are experiencing with a wife, of your very own.This is not natural. Give her ample time to get it together. Pray and seek God on this also before leaving. God bless you,brother
---Robyn on 12/27/09

Edward, I want you to know that you are not along on this. Many people, man and women go through this. Many times more when someone is not saved. God came into my life and change me. Allowed me to see things differently. I thought I knew what love was but it was not true love as in 1 Cor. 13. I made a mistake and made her my god and she rejected me. People fail all the time, she failed and so did I, but God never fails. I know that through my troubles many came to Christ in my family. It was all for a reason. I do not promise the same results but God has to be number one in your life, not your wife, or family. He will never fail you. I thank Him so much for what He did for her, me and family. We never know when we will die.
---MarkV. on 12/26/09

Charles, please, no divorce. I want to tell you and Charles a story about myself. I too went through the same thing. From the time we were married my wife was the same. When I was young it really hurt inside. I was not a Christian but I held hope one day she would change. I finally gave in and descided I would do nothing. For years in went that way. I would get close to her in the kitchen and put my hand close to her to see if she would reach out but she never did. One day, she told me she was leaving. It broke my heart. I wanted to die. I had loved her so much that she became my god. And now she was leaving me. A month later she left. I cried everyday, at home and at work. I was breaking down so bad. Every second she was on my mind.
---MarkV. on 12/26/09

Charles #2. during this time my neighbor begin coming over and teaching me about Christ and praying for me. God came into my life and I begin to do ok with my life. Eight months later I was going to get a devorce and just let her come home and I would move out. On a prayer night someone was praying for a sister who lost her husband and was losing her home and needed money. I gave her the money I was going to use for the devorce instead in an envelope. Now I had no money. Two months later my wife came home. We never discussed her time away. I forgave her and six months later she too came to Christ. We lived so happy with love for each other for ten years until one day during a test in a hospital they ruptured an artery and she passed away.
---MarkV. on 12/26/09

Edward, I feel for you, as well as the original poster. Pray for and with your wives. Study marriage together as it is described in the bible and by other sound teachers. Daily reach out to your wives and do the exact things toward them that you want them to do to you (kiss, hug, etc.). This may feel uncomfortable because of their lack of response or even outright rejection, but do not let your pride or feelings stop you from doing everything you can to save your marriages.

God wants the best for you and sometimes having that means we have to set our own hurt feelings aside, forgive and keep displaying love no matter what. Do NOT give up, but continue to reach out, instead. If you are rejected 7 times 70, forgive and try again 7 times 70!
---AlwaysOn on 12/26/09

Pray together with her to Almighty Jesus to heal this.
---Eloy on 12/25/09

If you are a Christian, please stop thinking towards divorce(for that reason) as this may block you from receiving wisdom from God to solve your problem. God has not given you any problem that is bigger than you. Together (God & you) the problem will be solved.
---Adetunji on 12/25/09

My wife dosn't kiss me, hug me, tell me she loves me, intiates sex, holds my hand. It is so difficult for me. I feel lonely and rejected. I feel like my zest for life is being drained away. I tell her I love her, I intiate sex, she just lays there and dosn't realy get involved, I am so sick of and unhappy. I am backed in to a corner I am lonely and sad
---edward on 12/24/09

Charles, make sure your wife is not on any medications that could interfere with her moods etc.
Bruce, sorry to hear about your cat getting run over. My husband ran over my cat years ago (accident also)(I think) but the bad part was that this cat just had a litter of kittens. I had to feed 8 kittens every 4 hours for several weeks. The kittens grew up thinking I was their mother.
My cat now is 18 yrs. old and on his last legs. I will sure miss him when hes gone.
---sue on 4/6/09


We actually had two cats: mine... and my ex's. My cat was the good one: but she ran over it (by accident, I think.) So, after my cat moved on to the happy mouse-fields in the sky, I had to put the other one (hers) into a training program to get it more kill-oriented. Without her brother around to assist, she was kinda weak in the hunting dept [the cat.]

She turned out to be a maniac-cat (brain damage at birth.) After her training program, she would kill anything that moved and eat it. But, she remained relatively friendly (other than toward kids: she hated kids.) She passed on back in Nov at the age of 16.

Now, I just have my dog. (Did I mention my ex wanted to take my dog... instead of her cat? Allergies: yeah, sure.)
---BruceB on 4/6/09

Bruce, you are funny! You brought a smile to my face this morning, BEFORE I had my cup of coffee and thats pretty good!

Sometimes I'd rather be with my cat than most people.
---sue on 4/4/09

I had a similar problem with my wife. It took 24 years to find the cause. Turned out she was allergic to me. So, we got a divorce and she remarried about a year later.

Things worked out just fine, though. She got a brand-new husband, who prompted no allergic reactions from her... and I got to keep her cat. (The cat was a bonus for her. She was allergic to cats, too.)

Sometimes, ya just can't change a person's desires... or allergies. This leaves you with two choices -- accept it: and live a miserable life... or reject it: and live a slightly less miserable life. 'Cause either way, you're stuck with that cat.
---BruceB on 4/3/09

Sam: "I've decided to just ignore it."

This is what you do:

Every day for the next 45 days praise her once in the morning when you get up and once before you go to bed. Make sure it's something specific like her eyes, the softness of her skin when you kiss her, or what she did during the day. Don't lie about it. You can find something if you really try. At the end of each praise, simply tell her "I love you." Do not touch her except for a small kiss on the right cheek. Every Friday night, light a small candle telling her of your unconditional love and of her beauty. Allow her to approach you.

Jesus used the same concept.
---Steveng on 4/1/09

for her to change she has to want to.
yes it is possible.
Unfortuanately I'm in the same boat. my wife is very cold.I was also when i was younger. my exwife had been upset when we were together,about this. i loved her deep enough to be committed to trying, it was a bit arkward at first, but it eventually became habit. now with my second wife is so cold, i am constantly questioning her love. it can be very painful.
---al on 4/2/09

You mean to say you married her knowing this now you want a divorce?
---Carla3939 on 4/1/09

Upbringing could be the reason your wife has issues with affection. Not all families show this or teach this to their children. Or, perhaps some traumatic event has occurred in her past that she is not able to discuss or face. Whatever the reason, please do not bail out on a woman that you love. While everyone yearns for hugs and kisses, physical affection is not necessary to make a healthy marriage. It's merely the icing on the cake. Talk to her, perhaps suggest couples counseling or be understanding about her statement that she "does not know how to be natural about that." Be patient, be loving. Show her through example but do not force it on her. A marriage takes work - even in confusing and difficult times.

God Bless
---lesla3685 on 4/1/09

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I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I am having the same problem with mine. When I do broach the subject somehow it always gets turned around to how hurt she is. She cries, stomps away etc. Then we are mad at each other for a day or so.

I know this isn't very Christ like, but I've decided to just ignore it. Like you I have a great amount of affection with my kids. I'll enjoy that, and when they leave the house, so will I.
---Sam_Caltron on 3/31/09

Pray for her..and pray for God to change your marriage for His honor and glory..Nothing is impossible for God. I will pray for both of you. God bless you both.
---Cynthia on 3/9/08

Ask her to try, anyways. Perhaps, after a while she will get the hang of it.
---catherine on 7/18/07

1.While the world has changed, women by nature are not aggressive. 2.This may be from her upbringing 3.The more you have complained about her behavior, the more she has withdrawn ,lowered her self esteem and become less likely to be CAPABLE of acting in these ways.4.If you love her, what does it matter if you grab her hand and hug her or she hugs you.5.This is immature,just stop demanding the things that she CANNOT DO if YOU LOVE HER. Are you looking for reason to divorce?
---jody on 7/18/07

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Why don't you take the lead in this area. She needs a little help.Perhaps she is shy. After a while she might catch fire and begin to approach you. Has she ever been with anyone else, if you don't mind my asking? Is she affectionate toward the kids, her mom or any other relatives? What about her puppy, if she has one? If you observe her showing affection to others then you know something else is going on in the marriage. It could be yourself. I hope you can work it out and not divorce.
---Robyn on 7/17/07

It isn't necessarily true that Charles knew about his wife's frigidness until they were married. I have the same problem with my husband. He shows very little affection unless he wants sex. Then it is very little affection. He insists I give him "affection" at that time. His answer to me is that he is just not that affectionate. He would never go to counseling. I used to think he was a great man because he avoided physical relationship prior to our marriage.
---Anonymousforareason on 7/16/07

Charles: You knew this before you married the lady. Now what seems to be the problem? Did you marry her thinking you could change her? Now wasn't that silly of you? Now you have a sizable problem on your hands. I hope you work it out. You made this bed and now what?
---Robyn on 7/15/07

Maybe as a child she didn't recieve alot of affection from her parents. and now she doesn't know how to show it to you. She needs to learn how, and take baby steps. You need to show her love and affection, as often as you can. Let her know that you still love her and that you'll be there for her.
---Rebecca_D on 7/15/07

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Charles, you married for better or worse. Make an appointment with your doctor, if it's not physical, then go to your mental health professional. You also need to talk with a counselor/pastor, charles. The Bible doesn't give you license to divorce because she doesn't want to hold your hands, etc.
---Charles on 7/15/07

charles, make sure your grooming habits are up to par. Are you kissable, hugable, or handhold worthy? Are you pushy or aggressive? Check yourself, go to a marriage class. Become all you can be, and she might respond to a new and improved charles.
---Charles on 7/15/07

Has your wife experienced any trauma in her childhood? Often, many people who have difficulty showing affection physically were molested as children. I suggest you see if she is willing to participate in marital therapy where you can discuss this and other issues in your marriage.
---Madison1101 on 7/15/07

Charles, did you know this before marriage? I'll pray for you, but divorce isn't your answer. There's reason for her lack of affection and, together, you two can discover this reason and work on overcoming it. Meanwhile, pray, be patient, love her unconditionally, make your wife feel safe/comfortable even BEFORE she is healed of her issues, be faithful and trust that our Father will heal your marriage. Again, this is not reason for divorce (not biblically at least, though the world may say otherwise).
---AlwaysOn on 7/15/07

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