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How To Reach Daughter-In-Law

My daughter in law does not to seem to want a relationship with me. She will not let me care for my new grandbaby but openly welcomes help from her mother. She has been in a relationship with my son since high school, now they have been married for two years. I don't know how to reach her.

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 ---bitsy on 7/19/07
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So, you are not welcome at the moment, then slowly withdraw from hourly or even daily contact to the point where you are over maybe once a week?

Give them room to adjust to their newborn and be available. They will let you know if you have withdrawn too far.

But, also insist to see the new baby at least once a week!
---Chip on 8/2/12


My mother n law currently lives with us and I want nothing to do with her. She meddles, offer unwanted advice and tries to undermind me when it comes to my kids. She is so in the way and has no life of her own. I pray everyday anothet door opens up for her
---Tonia on 7/18/12


Is there anything about your relationship that indicates trouble?

Do you offer advice she doesn't ask for? Or talk a lot about how you did things? She may see this as intrusive.

I don't want either mother around for awhile after the birth. I want time to bond.

I would also not be comfortable letting either parents care for my new baby. I just need time to adjust and figure out our new family dynamic.

As far as her letting her own mother help, what does that mean? Is her mother washing dishes and cooking dinner?

And as unfair as it may be, the relationship with her own mother is just different. Right now this time really is all about your daughter-in-law getting adjusted and you need to respect her choices.
---Jean on 7/5/11


I agree with Jack. It is her new baby first, and your new grandbaby second. Respect her wishes. Maybe her mother is there to clean house while your daughter in law bonds.

My mother in law never respected my privacy or need to bond with my baby when he was first born. She thought she was being helpful, but wasn't. She was in the way and constantly interfering with my bonding time with the baby. As a result, I have always resented it.

Let her know you are there to help in whatever capacity SHE needs, not in the way you want to be there as the grandmother. If she doesn't take you up on your offer, be patient and nonjudgemental.
---Tilda on 7/5/11


Debbie - If my mother-in-law came to a medical procedure for my son, I would be very upset. She tends to over-dramatize and would make the situation all about her. Or she would talk my ear off. I would be nervous enough and want to deal with it my own way.

Your daughter-in-law wants privacy. She is the mother. She sets the rules. You need to abide by her boundaries. You don't automatically have the right to be there.
---Lexi on 7/5/11




Linda - So your daughter-in-law wants to unwind after a long day at work, asks you and her son to abide by that request and it is ignored? The fact that she needed to make that request tells me you are there far too often. It is her home and refuge. You should come when invited.

It also sounds that you feel entitled to have a certain position in their lives because you paid for things. Perhaps she resents you because she thought such offers were gifts and then later realized it meant there were strings attached?
---Lexi on 7/5/11


Linda - So your daughter-in-law wants to unwind after a long day at work, asks you and her son to abide by that request and it is ignored? The fact that she needed to make that request tells me you are there far too often. It is her home and refuge. You should come when invited.

It also sounds that you feel entitled to have a certain position in their lives because you paid for things. Perhaps she resents you because she thought such offers were gifts and then later realized it meant there were strings attached?

Further, the fact that you said "I know I am losing him" indicates you think you should have him over your daughter-in-law? He has his own family now. Your role has changed. Accept it.
---Lexi on 7/5/11


Dear friend,
Let her know you are interested in your grandbaby and want to be a part of his life. Make yourself available and get involved in the seemingly, small things, associated with the baby. Pray a lot for her and the entire family. Do the right thing and God will bless you for that.
---Robyn on 6/13/11


I am a new grandmother to a baby boy born April 9, 2011. My daughterinlaw convinced my son not to tell us of his birth until April 12, 2011 even though we live 7 mins. from a building we own where they live for free for the past three years. She never calls and when I call she rarely answers or speaks more than a minute.
---Rose_Marie_Milcetic on 5/4/11


I paid for 2/3 of her luxurious wedding to our son in the Hamptons in N.Y. and have not even seen her wedding album yet although I asked my son numerous times if we may see it. Once she told me she couldn't find it even though her apartment is neat, clean and in order -- a story we did not swallow!!!!!!!!!
---Rose_Marie_Milcetic on 5/4/11




Thing is, God is first in my life then my husband then the rest of the family. If any one of us let our DIL control our lives, then we're headed for a long drawn out emotionally abusive relationship! I've decided to separate myself from my DIL and son for the time being. If a MIL gives into her DILs command than that will be the pattern for a long time. Grandchildren are inocently put in the middle of our DIL-MIL dilima. They are smart and intuitive and pick up on animosity and unforgiveness which will not be good for them. For the sake of our grandchildren and for our sons (who are the ones suck in the middle) It's often best to separate from that family until there is more maturity and less insecure and possessive.
---sue on 2/17/11


my 9 month old grandson is having tubes put in his ears, and i want to be there, but his mother said it wasn't nesecary
---debbie on 5/15/09


She has had problems in the past w/ her family so when my son and her started dating..I was the one they came too. Now she and her parents are close and I am glad. You say dont go unless invited. I am never invited. On mothers day they were too tired to visit. I only want to be a part of the family and see my grandbaby and help. I do not know what to do and it is breaking my heart. I nvever call and never just go visit.
---Sonya on 5/12/09


I am having the same problem and it really bothers me and I find I am being sensitive and I have tried to talk to them.
---Sonya_Snell on 5/10/09


It seems she perceives you as some kind of threat. Could she feel unsure and inadaquate around you? Do you give her (perhaps unconsciously) the message that she is not a good enough wife for your son or mother to your grandchild. Be available to help, but don't force a relationship. As much as possible accept the way she does things. Avoid the temptation to give advice (unless asked for). Consciously find legitimate reasons to praise her. A few more years and she may relax and appreciate you and your role as mother-in-law.

Oh, and pray for her as regularly as you do for your son and grandbaby.
---Donna66 on 1/3/09


At times these problems arise when parents interfere with their married children's life.

When these conflicts occur, it is wise to step back a bit, speak to them like you're speaking to an outsider and hope for the best.
---Paul2 on 1/3/09


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I am having the same issues, my son and duaghter in law have been married 4 years with a 7 month old baby.Her mother gets pictures etc I've asked her to please include me but it has not changed. She recently sat on the toilet,with the baby for an hour, so that the bay could sleep?I tried laughing it off but became angry I felt she was trying to prove the baby was not comfortable enough in my house to sleep. Her mother fed the baby mashed potatoes but when I tried was told that she should not have any milk products. My son is about to deploy for a year I am so worried that I will not be included in knowing about my grandbaby or getting info about my son. At this point I won't even feel comfortable going up to see her in NC I live in Texas.
---Hilda on 1/1/09


REALITY CHECK,...
Most parents do not/cannot (because they don't WANT to) understand that when people (yes, your children ARE "people") get married, they want to actually experience a marriage relationship (children or not).

Also, children do not get married in order to make their parents become grandparents (you MUST respect ALL of your children's decisions).

You have the option of complaining to them about this (and imposing shame, guilt, etc.) if you don't care about them feeling uncomfortable around you...

OR

you can 'bow out gracefully' because you respect them.
---more_excellent_way on 8/1/08


i have acquired a daughter in law who at first was very happy to receive both monetary and physical help before the wedding which my husband and i paid for. Four month after the wedding she not only shows she does not want us around but has told our son that she would prefer us not to be there when she comes in from work. On that occassion my son had requested help from us as he was alying some flooring so we went to help only to find that when she arrived back in from work she physically snubbed us.I would love to have a normal relationship as i always wanted a daughter but why oh why dothese girls have to fear the relationship between a mother and son I know I am losing him. Someone somewhere give me an answer.
---linda on 8/1/08


Pray for her, and for your attitude toward her. Seek opportunities for you to spend time with just her, like to invite her and the baby to lunch with you. Let her get to know you, away from your son and other family members.
---Madison1101 on 4/10/08


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Excuse me. There is nothing wrong with family acting like family. Sometimes family needs to be pushed toward each other - not stepped on. Don't think that a M-in -law is automatically meddling. Maybe just maybe they need to learn to like each other and if that can't be then to tolerate each other well. BC they are both family.
---Andrea on 8/11/07


The meddling motherinlaw wiles....
"If that doesn't work call her on it and then get your son to step in, but always respect them.
---Andrea on 8/11/07"

Then get your son to step in, bull your way in, and really stir it up.
---Toby on 8/11/07


Ask her. Remind her that your willing to baby sit.....and make nice goodies ....cookies and things when you go over.....find something to compliment her on and show her that you approve of her. Actually its called shmoozing....be extra nice and just remind yourself you are investing in your grandchild. If that doesn't work call her on it and then get your son to step in, but always respect them.
---Andrea on 8/11/07


CONT, You have to remember that a mother/daughter relationship needs to be strong. Chances are your daughter-n-law may not realize that she is doing you this way. This is why it is so important to discuss this matter to her face to face. Once me and my mother-n-law had our heart to heart talk, she has been like a second mother to me. And she tells everyone she knows that she gained a daughter. She may not know she is treating you this way unless you talk to her. Not with your son, but with her.
---Rebecca_D on 7/23/07


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I was very close with my mom while she was living. When I was pregnant with my son, my husband was building our house and we would stay longer at my parents house moreso than his parents house. Plus my mom was deathly ill. My mother-n-law asked if she or my father-n-law done something to us because we stayed longer at my mom's house. I told her no one done anything to us, and that me and mom had a great relationship, and I wanted to take care of her while she was ill. CONT,
---Rebecca_D on 7/23/07


Also I wanted to add that my sister in law did not allow her ex-mother in law over in their house when her mil smoked ciggerets.Now since then she would save her smoking for her own house.
---candice on 7/23/07


She might be closer to her mother then you. I respect my mother in law(mil) for my husbands sake, but both his parents are more rigid then my mother,but I still repsect them, but as far as raising my children WE are their parents, NOT the inlaws. there are rules we put down & if they cross them then they can't visit, lucky they respect the rules so no problems.
---candice on 7/20/07


You need to go back,check yourself to see how you treated the young woman when she and your son were first beginning to date. In fact how have you treated her all along? It is comfortable and trusting with her mother,ask yourself why she isn't comfortable and trusting with you. Except for rare cases,when women do that there is some valid reason. Be honest about it to yourself,pray for God to show you if you are more the problem than she is. Are you showing jealousy? Ask her the reason.
---Darlene_1 on 7/20/07


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You referred to "my new grandbaby"--but remember that FIRST the child is "her baby".

You are simply going to have to deal with it.
---Jack on 7/20/07


It could be dislike, but more than likely it's insecurity. I would respect her boundaries, and keep in contact with your son in a non-threatening manner. Visit only when invited, but invite them over often. Keep the door open for her to be close to you, but give her room to be herself. Try not to make a big deal out of it, and don't talk to your son about it whatever you do! That will alienate her even more. Just open your hand, and allow the bird to fly, and pray it returns to you.
---Kady on 7/20/07


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