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Want To Throw My Son Out

My husband wants me me to choose between my son and him. My son is his step-son and they have a stormy relationship. My husband will not forgive him for past rebellious behaviour and wants me to throw him out. He has just turned 18 years old. I love my son.

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 ---Cheryl on 9/17/07
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Your husband is in error,sister. He is not being the example and father figure your son need of. He seems to be an arrogant,unforgiving and very insensitive cad. I would not want him anywhere near my young son. Boys need help when they are very young like that. Patience,love and guidance. I had boys.He needs firm love and understanding as he transition into adulthood. Your choice of man may be your son's undoing. This man don't want the responsibility of dealing with your son. You need to make some quick decisions. I would have a family meeting (you,him, son) voice my concerns and try to work things out. Really try. Show respect for the young man,too. My prayers to you
---Robyn on 7/25/10


When will your son stop being your son?
When will you stop loving your son?

Love has ONE goal: It leads to salvation.
It is hard to discipling an 18 year old boy.
If he is not disciplined something has to be done.
I am not sure that throwing himout os a solution, and still you have a husband to consider.

you will never stop loving him, but if his behavour is destructive to the family relationship, he is old enough to be on his own.
---francis on 7/8/10


"Follow peace with all men...Heb.12:14". What you have in your house now is forced peace. Your son cannot stay in your house forever. Try and help him to start living on his own with your support first, from there he can learn to form his own home early. This experience may even help him to appreciate your husband more.
---Adetunji on 7/8/10


Your husband is WRONG (FORSAKING FAMILY). He is forsaking his own blood and God will repay (FACT) if he goes through with it. He also has no right coming between you and your son. Marriage automatically includes offspring as being ONE FAMILY (The Lord has established a FAMILY)...

Matthew 19:6
"let not man put asunder."
---more_excellent_way on 7/6/10


I'm a husband in a similar situation. My son is constantly disrespectful & mean to me and the family. I've prayed, loved, yelled, reasoned, & disciplined. I have concluded that no amount of Christ or love for God I have can make him change. His attitude / behavior have negative impact in our household. If he was 18, I'd drop him off at the bus stop. I see that my wife is in the middle and I agree with the writers who advocate marriage over the parent/child relationship. I am not married to my children (including my biological children) I am married to my wife and THAT earthly relationship should outweigh blood "the two shall become one." Any devotion (besides Christ) that supersedes marriage is adultery and idolatry.
---Jeff on 7/6/10




If you put him/her ahead of your spouse you will likely end up alone. (whose fault is beside the point)
****

Christian marriages don't last until death or else the divorce rate wouldn't be well over 60% ...only false christians USE ANY excuse (like their children) to step out and move on ...always easier to ASSIGN fault and leave

...when you have children you understand that 18 is not a magic number to kick them out because their chronological age agree's with the law of an adult

oh thats right dripping charity at church to make a show of it then kicking your 18 year old adult children out because of mistakes they made and because your NEW SPOUSE expects you to is antichrist to Scripture 1 Tim 5:8
---Rhonda on 7/6/10


IMPORTANT QUESTION!:

Is your son's father dead? Did you divorce him because HE cheated on you?

If one of the two is YES, then stay with your son

If you left your son's father, then you created this situation

If his father left you [without you cheating on him] then it is your son's father's fault, and you must deal with him
---James on 7/6/10


I'm a husband in a similar situation. My son is constantly disrespectful & mean to me and the family. I've prayed, loved, yelled, reasoned, & disciplined. I have concluded that no amount of Christ or love for God I have can make him change. His attitude / behavior have negative impact in our household. If he was 18, I'd drop him off at the bus stop. I see that my wife is in the middle and I agree with the writers who advocate marriage over the parent/child relationship. I am not married to my children (including my biological children) I am married to my wife and THAT earthly relationship should outweigh blood "the two shall become one." Any devotion (besides Christ) that supersedes marriage is adultery and idolatry.
---Jeff on 7/6/10


Men come and go but our kids will be our kids,forever! A tough situation to be in. Men sometimes resent boys who are close to their moms. This is so unfortunate. We should not have to choose between our kids and our husband/boyfriends. The boyfriends/husbands know this. Is your husband a Christian? The husband seems to be a devilish brute to me. Get rid of the husband. He should be more an example or father figure to this young man. It takes time to transition. This young man needs guidance and love.If the young man is not disrespectful,lazy or rebellious I would stand by my son.
---Robyn on 1/10/10


Yes, Donna, transitioning generally works well. That was my entire point.

The military is even considered a transition process, because it offers support and growth opportunities while, at the same time, limiting one's chances of failure. Throwing someone out, especially someone who has "just" turned 18, does just the opposite.

Were he prepared for a move, I doubt the original poster would have even asked for advice.

My sincerest hope for this family is that they were able to help the young man make a transition toward moving out and did not "throw him out" like the step-father wanted to do.
---AlwaysOn on 11/11/09




AlwaysOn -- It depends on the individual case. I know of families where "transitioning" has worked well. Let's hope some agreement can be made here.
In my family, the young men went into military service ( not unwillingly, as ours is a military family). There they had both independence and supervision/disicipline. They changed from boys to men and came out proud of their achievements. Judging from these blogs, that wouldn't be popular here.
But it was not "unloving" and they weren't "kicked out". They were eager to get out into the world.
---Donna66 on 11/11/09


There's a difference btwn helping a person transition out & abruptly putting him out. The law says a person is grown at 18, but a mother's heart isn't as rigid. If she knows her son is ill-prepared to take complete care of herself yet, it's not easy to push him out. Doing so can place him at risk. Room won't permit, but I can post several examples. The fact that this is his stepfather makes it especially hard to call (a lot of possibilities there!). I believe a spouse comes first, but this goes both ways. Perhaps her husband can extend some sacrificial support to his wife, understand the stressful choice he's placed before her & agree to an alternate plan to make it easier on her.
---AlwaysOn on 11/10/09


Rhonda --- When people become adults, they eventually leave home and begin to make a life on their own. It isn't easy for them. It isn't easy for parents.
But it is a normal phase of life.

Every young person will leave eventually.
If you put him/her ahead of your spouse you will likely end up alone. (whose fault is beside the point) A Christian marriage is to last til death.

You don't "kick him out". You help a young person find a room or apartment, assist to work out a budget (and contribute financially if you want to). You don't break all ties. You still visit often. You still love him! It MAY give him just the boost in self-confidence he needs to progress to maturity.



---Donna66 on 11/9/09


well Donna then you got me

I don't subscribe to the new-age "christianity"

didn't realize LOVE AND CHARITY meant to throw your kids out at 18 so the parents could have peace as Catherine stated

enlighten me please how is THAT "love" from the non-hypocritical "christian" perspective
---Rhonda on 11/9/09


Rhonda-- I was just pointing out the CONTRADICTION between advocating "LOVE AND CHARITY" in the same paragraph that you accuse people YOU HAVE NEVER MET, and know nothing about, of being:

//self professing "christians" preaching love of a "christ" dripping on their lips pure hypocrites ... and having no love or affection or help for their own family//

How do you define hypocracy?

You may not see the contradiction, but it is all too obvious to others.
---Donna66 on 11/9/09


You, on the other hand, DO have love and charity for all! It shows in the way you describe people.
*****

thank you Donna I will take that as a compliment!!!
---Rhonda on 11/8/09


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Rhonda -- //self professing "christians" preaching love of a "christ" dripping on their lips pure hypocrites ...showing up at church professing love charity for all but inwardly and behind closed doors no love affection or help for their own family//

You, on the other hand, DO have love and charity for all! It shows in the way you describe people.
---Donna66 on 11/7/09


first i am wondering if your husband is a christian? the bible says we must forgive in order too be forgiven. almost all children go thru rebelion stage. thats just part of growing up and making them there own individuals. althouth your son is 18 is he mentally and physically able too be on his own. males mature slower than females and most 18 yr olds are not ready too be on their own. im sure you love your husband but a man should never ask his wife too choose between him and her child. pray for both of them and God will lead you in the right direction. my prayers are with all of you and God bless.
---terri on 11/7/09


I am sure that you do, however, your son is an adult, and should be moving on out. Give you and your husband some PEACE.
*****

compromise of second marriage is always children ...but WOW ...nothing like those self professing "christians" preaching love of a "christ" dripping on their lips pure hypocrites ...showing up at church professing love charity for all but inwardly and behind closed doors no love affection or help for their own family ...hey time is up your an adult get out?

gone are the days when families stayed together helped and supported each other ...no wonder nursing homes are flooded with forgotten elderly many who are reaping rewards of rejecting their own children
---Rhonda on 11/7/09


Beloved,
I have been in this same position. and needless to say,its Hell! Your spouse should not try to put you in this terrible position. Your son is a part of you and may need you and him in his life,right now. Your son will grow up and leave one day but He needs you now. Is your son obedient to the stepfather? What type of son is he? You did not say. Does the son work? Why so much anger from spouse?These questions need to be answered.
My husband and son(real son)did not get along. I was always caught in the middle. It was hell on Earth. I loved my son and it caused me a lot of pain and contention in my marriage. May God bless you and help you with this agonizing situation.
---Robyn on 11/6/09


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Being tossed out at barely 18 years old is a tough start. Particularly in this economic climate. However, I see that your original blog is 2 years old. I'd be interested in hearing how your situation turned out. Hopefully, there was a peaceful solution.
---AlwaysOn on 11/4/09


I am sure that you do, however, your son is an adult, and should be moving on out. Give you and your husband some PEACE.
---catherine on 11/3/09


I disagree with those who say you should stand by your son.

It may be hard... But when you have a child, you know the day will come when they leave your home and begin their adult lives. This is GOOD. Your son is legally an adult. He's old enough to vote, old enough for the military...he could live without you on the other side of the world.
Help him find a room or apt. and help him financially if you can. You certainly don't have to stop LOVING him!

MARRIAGE is meant to last "til death do you part"...don't jeoperdize this one for a son, who, if he is normal, will eventually leave you anyway. Do you want to be ALONE when he does?
---Donna66 on 11/2/09


Your husband has no biological relation to your son. Your husband is asking you to betray your son.

Your son is literally a piece of your body.

Let your husband go his way, do not betray blood.

Consider all of this...

Jesus changed His mind because of a woman...

Matthew 15:28
"O woman, great is your faith".

God is LOVE. ALL LOVE (God's and ours) covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

Don't worry what the bible says, it is not a spiritual authority (it did not hang on the cross)...

Matthew 28:18
"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me".

Your husband has become a "Judas", let him go his way.
---more_excellent_way on 11/2/09


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That is a hard problem. The marriage
should come first.
---Will on 10/31/09


Carla laughs at Eloys answer he won't be able to walk but he will still be able to talk :(
---Carla5754 on 9/27/07


Eloy:

I love you biblically-flavored ultimatum :)

Of course, if she does that, she needs to be prepared for possibility that he will choose the leg over her.
---StrongAxe on 9/25/07


I have 2 family refugees who are living with me. They, 2 nieces 18, one 20 were given the ultimatum of going to Bible college, getting married, or being disowned. Both desired real education, not possible in their Pentecostal home. Both are full time students at Cal State, expanding, mostly happy, disowned yes, but they still have some family that encourages them in their pursuits-something new and unique in their lives.-being disowned is not all bad.
---MikeM on 9/23/07


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Tell your husband to choose between cutting off his leg or remaining married to you. If he cannot choose, then so too tell him that you will not choose between cutting off your son or remaining married to him.
---Eloy on 9/23/07


Susie: You are right, we have no draft at this time. I was an Army wife, and was proud of my husband for serving in the military. My daughter was born in an Army hospital and I lived on a military base for years. I have no problem supporting our military, as they serve with honor and dignity.

I would have a problem having one of my children participate in our current war in Iraq.
---Trish9863 on 9/23/07


It depends on what the source of conflict is. If your son is disruptive, undisciplined then it is best for him to live outside the home. If it's just a personality clash between your son and husband then it could go either way but your husband needs counseling to get over his territory thing.
---Ginette on 9/23/07


betty8468:

Taking your son to Canada to escape an issued draft order is disobedience. Going to Canada to avoid the possibility that one might be issued in future is not, since Americans can freely travel to Canada at any time. Joseph and Mary fled to Egypt to avoid the anticipated (but not yet issued) "official government order" to kill all boys under 2 years old. Were THEY being disobedient?
---StrongAxe on 9/23/07


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Cheryl:

Your husband told you to choose. It's been my opinion that people should never ask questions (or issue ultimatums) unless they are prepared for all possible outcomes.

To those who parrot the "wife should always obey her husband" line, remember that HE told her to choose. That means HE has explicitly given her the right to choose as she sees fit in this matter. If she chooses in a way that he doesn't like, it's his own fault for giving her that option in the first place.
---StrongAxe on 9/23/07


There is no draft in the United State of America which is still FREE because of the military women and men.
---Susie on 9/22/07


Please understand that if my sons were drafted to serve fighting in Afghanistan hunting down the Taliban and Osama Bin Laden, I would not take them out of the country. If it were WWII, I would not take them out. This current Iraq war is the reason I would leave the country with my sons.
---Trish9863 on 9/19/07


Betty: If I take my sons to Canada BEFORE they are drafted, it is not breaking the law. Changing citizenship would not be breaking any laws. We would be bound to obey Canada's laws, not the USA's.

The case is moot in that my sons are beyond the draft age at this point.

Please tell me how you would have responded to Dr. Martin Luther King who disobeyed the laws of the South in order to bring about a change in those laws.
---Trish9863 on 9/19/07


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Sorry, but I'd take my 18 yr. old son and move away from this man. My opinion only, but I'd never be able to live with somebody so bossy,unfair and mean. He sounds like a bully.
---sue on 9/19/07


A funny thing happened when my sons reached 18. They decided to make their own choices. They didn't wait for me to decide what they were going to do with their lives. One chose to go in the Marines and served in Iraq. He came back alive. Praise the Lord! None of my sons would expect me to make their decisions, like deciding they should go to Canada to avoid serving their country in the military. Thank God for those men and women who have served to keep this country free!!!!
---Susie on 9/19/07


Your spouce you should explain your son behaviour, make clear guidless, you are the mother and will do the dislipining, if there is a matter he should speak to you before any contact or greviences. Then explain your son only has one home and unless he poses a threat to either your lives, been booted out was and is not an issue. He is a young adult without the life experiences you both have and are still learning being a responsible adult is not his major right now, nor was it yours at 18.
---Carla5754 on 9/19/07


4#
I don't care for the responce of send an 18yr old to war as a source of dislipline! Have you ever thought he may just not return and all,Come off it! He's still in my eyes a child as I was at 18 and if I knew then what I knew then, I'd be a totally different person, WOULDNT YOU! Allow him to see himself and where he can go and achieve academically, to improve his situation and show this mean unforgiving man that he can rise above the steryotypicial veiws of stepchildren and live large.
---Carla5754 on 9/19/07


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5#
Tell him you understand him and it's not his fault you made a decision out of love and he has to deal with things you never enviaged but while you have to live with him your son does not have to stay and be intimidated but can rise above the problems by doing better and can. Through educating himself and bettering his life and to learn fron his situation and be aware when he comes to marrying! life isn't always smoothe running.
---Carla5754 on 9/19/07


6#
I pray that you will empower your son and not allow anyone or anything to distroy his precious youth. He's a child of a king a prince not a villan, empower him in that direstion you are responsible for the state of his soul and how he sees life educate him and equip him for life. I'ts never easy but God gives the answer by the life you lived yourself because of the guidance and preperation given to girls by their mothers, very few boys get that and are expected to be strong and survive NOT SO!
---Carla5754 on 9/19/07


I remember when a client of mine explained how she threw out her son because of the banter between her lover and son. Men and often women can become intolerable when it comes to the teritory thing and it is very distressing when you have to decide betwen the stable home of your child and your lover.
---Carla5754 on 9/19/07


2#
New spouses can definatelty behave like the animal kingdom and portray the angry lion that has to irredicate all traces of the previous partner because it interferes with their dominance. Or in many cases the other partner wants to be with you but has no understanding or love for your own children because children come me with the package(you). Maybe a little too late now but you should have made clear guide line to your spouce/son.
---Carla5754 on 9/19/07


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To all those who suggested the military I applaud you. To the one who said she'd take her sons to Canada to avoid being drafted, the Bible says we are to obey the laws of the land. That would be disobedience to both God and the law.
---betty8468 on 9/19/07


Another view:You could speak to your husband in private about the relationship between he and your son. Then talk together as a family. Emphasizing love and respect toward one another. Your husband should be more forgiving toward the young man. Sometimes men are jealous of the relationship between a boy and his mom. Is this the case? I would question this, if he resented me and my son's relationship. Hurt one of my kids and you hurt me. Under no circumstances do I want my child hurt, at any age.
---Robyn on 9/18/07


Jesus said that blessed are the peace makers and according to your question there is a lot of strife and discord among you. Have you tried sitting down together as a family and discussing the problems between you? I agree you are caught in the middle, and it has to be overwhelming for you. But God can change this situation around, so I would suggest to pray sincerely about love and peace being restored in your family. Nothing is impossible for God. Amen and God bless.
---Cynthia on 9/19/07


and a family is an autocracy , not a democracy and I should uphold any decision he makes about my son. His punishment and discipline is harsh and most often does not fit the crime. His own son is always handled differently and far kinder.
---Cheryl on 9/18/07

I would seriously think about who will be around to pick on when the kids are gone.
---Andrea on 9/18/07


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Blended families are sometimes hard to blend. You are caught in the middle of a terrible situation. I'm sorry. My prayers are with you. If you take sides, it is hard, either way. You are to side with your spouse but sometimes, spouses are unreasonable. We feel we must protect our kids also but soon he will be out of the house. If you go against the spouse on this, you might just be left alone, eventually. Prayer is your greatest weapon now. Pray for peace and unity in your home. Tough,tough.
---Robyn on 9/18/07


I used to suggest my son enter the military when he was not behaving appropriately, until we attacked Iraq. I would now take my sons to Canada before allowing them to be drafted, should it come to pass.

If your husband is acting disctatorily, I would consider taking your son to family therapy, and asking your husband to join you. While you may have to submit to this man, you gave birth to your son BEFORE you married your husband.
---Trish9863 on 9/18/07


It appears as if you have already made up your mind about this matter. You are taking your son's side against your husband which says a lot. The decision you make now will go with you for years. If you intend to not let a man be a true husband, you should stay single.
---Susie on 9/18/07


notlaw99: I understand your point but please let me share this: I once was told about a mother who suggested her son go into the service. He did. Within several months, he was dead. His tour took him within a war zone. She has to live with this the rest of her life. Very sad,indeed. She blames herself for his death. I would be careful with this suggestion. My heart goes out to this mother. I thought about this when my sons became of age.
---Robyn on 9/18/07


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Well, this is a toughy. Please give me a minute to converse with God. Who should come first husband or son? Your husband.
---catherine on 9/18/07


Military conscription is not an option -here in South Africa it's overshadowed by black on white racism. He starts college in Jan but won't be able to support himself and no accomodation offered.My husband feels he should always come before my children and a family is an autocracy , not a democracy and I should uphold any decision he makes about my son. His punishment and discipline is harsh and most often does not fit the crime. His own son is always handled differently and far kinder.
---Cheryl on 9/18/07


Your son needs to understand that as long as he is in your house he needs to obey the rules. More importantly, as has already been said, he is now an adult and needs to start taking steps to establish his own resonsibility. The military would be a good place for him to learn how to be a man. Your husband needs to repent of his unforgiveness and seek counselling for this. My prayers to you that the Lord be glorified in the final outcome.
---tommy3007 on 9/18/07


Your son is nearing the time when he will be having a wife soon and leaving anyway. Your husband needs patience and love and ask himself what would Jesus do? A family who prays together stays together. However a son can be as uncontrolable as wild fire, Pray without ceasing in the SPIRIT for your boy, I would combine it with a fast also.
---Whisper on 9/18/07


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simply - your son will grow up and find a woman, he will move on and you will have your life. The life you are now investing in.
I'd try to come to terms with your son and husband as to some rules of engagement - agree to a cease fire and give your son time to adjust to life on his own or shape up.
You do not want yuor son on his own and he is too young to realize he does not want you out and on your own.
Pray, get family counseling (pastoral) - does anyone know the Lord?
---Andrea on 9/17/07


First,what is reason behind your husbnads request? If it is unreasonable & just plain stupid then let your son stay, in a re-marriage as much as the husband is important, your children come first.If my husband wanted me to kick uot my daughter whom is from my ex, & it wasn't biblical reasons he'd go, but if it was a good reason she would go.
---candice on 9/17/07


You need to go to God pray for you husband to forgive your son. often times we take things personal. I am sure it was hard for you son as well as your husband. It is very stressful. when kids grow up with a step parent. but not forgiving someone is not the answer. I understand I had to let my son go because of his behavior and my daughter too when I got married again. But God is the only one that can fix it
---denise on 9/17/07


I love all three of my sons, too. But, when they turned 18 they became responsible for their own actions. They knew they could not live at my house and do what they wanted. You have had plenty of time to prepare for his turning 18. Now it is time to let him go and be a man. In a Biblical marriage, the husband is the head of the household and the children come second to him.
---Susie on 9/17/07


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A tour of duty in the military is a wonderful tool to make some young people grow up. It is a disciplined no nonsense environment and if they apply them selves there are GI college benefits that can be acquires. This my me a good solution. Your son will be away from home in a controlled environment where all parties my calm down after a period.
---notlaw99 on 9/17/07


What does your heart tell you is the right thing to do?
---Annie on 9/17/07


Sister my heart bleeds for you. You are in a terrible trap. I have a similar situation. I too love my son ,and he and his father does not see eye to eye. I get caught up in the middle of their arguments and sometimes, is forced to take sides. The son is 23 the father is 73. The son is head strong and cannot be easily molded and the father resents this. It was not always like this. I think the son resents the father's age among other issues. The father is very critical but not necessarily a bad father.
---anonymous on 9/17/07




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