My son, age 24, tells me he is a adult and can make his own decisions. So he has decided to marry a older woman with 3 kids, who is on government assistant. (Welfare, housing etc.) He quit his good truck driving job (walked away from a lease) to work very part-time. Does not repay any loans. Has creditors out for him. Plays video games. Mooches off of everyone. Finally I saw the light, he is a right, he is an adult. I just pray that one day he will act like it. He was raised by two hard-working bill paying parents. We guided him, we helped him, we cried for him, we finally gave up helping him. He choose this life. I feel sorry for the 3 kids who have him as "dad." |
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---Renae on 7/9/09 |
You don't say where he lives or whether he is even applying for jobs.
I used to live in Michigan, and was laid off twice in 4 years. Parts of Michigan have 18% unemployment. I was out of work for 4 years! I sent out over 2000 resumes. I could not even get hired to scrub toliets for $6 an hour. I had the curse of having 2 Engineering BS degrees and 1/2 a masters degree. Professional jobs were non-existent, and I was considered "overqualified" for anything else. Hiring managers told me, "Why should I hire you, you used to make twice my salary!" My meddling mother got involved accusing me of mental health issues, and had me forcibly medicated! I finally got away and moved 1800 miles to take an awesome job. |
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---obewan on 6/23/09 |
I have a brother who has had a similar situation -everytime he has gotten in trouble with the law,has quite job after job because he did not like it or was out partying for long periods of time my mom would bail him out financially - if you allow adult children to always act as children then that is what they will always be.Sons and daughters should be encouraged to find their purpose and work hard -it then gives them the ability to help and give to others.Even our Heavenly Father allows us to experience hard and difficult times in order to build character.If God himself builds our character this way .We can do the same for our children.God Bless |
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---Diana09 on 6/22/09 |
Does he really refuse to find a job, or does he have difficulties finding one? Jobs are not handed out on silver platters, especially good ones. Work history is what the employers care about the most. Many employers hire people with the intention of getting rid of them in a few months. Does he have transportation? Does he have the right clothes for the right job? If you can trust him, he's better off to live with his parents than with a woman he's not married to -it's sin. If he could get a good day job, he might would sleep at night. |
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---Betty on 6/21/09 |
Kick him out. Give him a couple hundred and see where he lands. I'd say it's about time the baby bird learn to fly. |
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---Katherine on 6/20/09 |
"Good luck with that"! My son(stepson) first moved out at 16 because he wouldn`t bathe or wash his hair (aparently the "rules" were too tough),moved back at 19, got a job, out again at 22,back at24 because he "just didn`t feel like going back to work or paying bills" (Mom claims he`s DEPRESSED).New job now with G.M.and he`s laid off, back again at 28. every time he comes home He monopolizes the big tv and livingroom for "video games"....after a hard 10-12 hr shift I get to "go to my room" rather than relax in my own house( but I`m the bad guy)My brother in law has an autistic child that they`re prepared to to care for, for life....I wasn`t. |
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---Bill on 5/26/09 |
If a man (or adult!) does not work, they shall not eat. A man who does not work and provide for his own (even himself) is worse than an unbeliever! Wow! Man was created to work! Sloughing is a sin! Period! These truths we hold to be self-evident... Shalom |
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---David on 4/20/09 |
I've prayed for my husband's sister to find a job. All her life she has lived at home with her now-elderly parents. What does she do? She literally flies kites. She sews kites, sells a couple every once in a while to other enthusiasts. Her parents give her an allowance and credit cards, buy her vehicles. They are not wealthy. I think the reason she (now age 53) hasn't left and supported herself is her parents are happy with her being at home, even though she doesn't care for them in any way (doesn't cook for them, etc.). There is a personality disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, in which victims remain at home, are loners, unable to communicate on an adult level on in-depth personal issues with other people. That's my sister-in-law. |
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---Kak on 4/20/09 |
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I have a 23 year old daughter who will do anything to avoid work. I know we have done too much for her and are trying to wean her now. Her Dad and I have worked all her life and don't understand this. |
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---Lila on 4/3/09 |
We have had the same situation and understand the stress and trauma this causes. First you must set a time line with your child. Give him a reasonable amount of time to find a job and then if this hasn't happened, tell him to move. He is using you. There is a big difference between needing help and wanting someone else to make life comfortable. He is old enough to realize you aren't going to be around forever to take care of him. In fact, what about yourself? Has he considered what kind of burden this is for you? This is an issue of respect. If you are enabling him to use you then you are partly to blame also. It's called tough love but in the long run you might very well gain a man rather than a child.
Praying for you, |
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---Doneta on 3/21/09 |
My husband and I married with children from prev marriages.They live(d) with us.My oldest(19)moved 2 years ago.He was working and contributed.Stepfather's wish.Hubby's son 20 dropped out of hs,refuses to work or ged.My son 18 graduated,seldom works.Filthy rooms.Sick of chasing down dishes.My husband and I argue about this.He's allowed his son to be lazy.My son has turned out the same.This is such a poor example to the younger siblings.Boys blame economy no work.What about volunter work?Oh wait, they don't help at the house.I'm done.It has cost our family separation.My girls and I move soon and my son is not.Tough love.Kindness not weakness.Jesus would not do this to His family,just too many sightings in this household.Blessings |
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---jul on 2/24/09 |
Thanks to all who responded to my question. My son is still not working on a job but does detailing work and sells what he can on the streets. He comes to the house and dad is very,very angry. Dad and son does not get along at all. Dad is angry with me now because I feed son and lets him come to the house. Son is still living between parents home and older woman home. I am disgusted and at my wits end. I love my son and believe he is a late bloomer and will get it together soon. Father left home early and feel everyone is the same way. The anger is getting worse with dad. |
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---Robyn on 7/5/08 |
persepective: what if the 23 year old was Jesus Christ? would your judgments be the same?..---Eloy.
Yes, I would use both boots to get him out of the house. Trust me, when he realize that the world isn't wrapped around his finger he will work.
Not, kicking him out is doing him injustice. He has to understand that he is a man. Not, a teenager or boy. Enough is enough. If he doesn't respect you enough to not be a burden on you, let him go. He will understand when he is much older that you loved him even more by kicking him out.
Give him a choice, get a job and pay rent, power, and water bill. If not, leave.
If he leaves because he doesn't want to pay to you, he can pay more to a landlord. |
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---Nicole on 7/4/08 |
Eloy, if you were this 23 year old what would you want your parents to do for you? |
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---RitaH on 7/4/08 |
I feel for all of you!!! I have 2 sons - 25 & 28 who just won't work!!! I've threatened, I've begged, cried, I've been soft, I've helped find places which were hiring with classifieds and help wanted signs. They don't live at home, my husband (their stepfather) won't allow it. We've been paying their rent, electricity, water and food bill since December and we just cannot afford this any longer. Our original plan was to get them both off methadone which we have done, and let them get their lives back on track for 2 -3 months while we paid their living expenses. Now, they just won't get off their butts and work. I don't know what to do short of letting them get evicted. Anyone out there have any ideas?
Thanks. |
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---Linda on 7/3/08 |
I am here to see what others wrote in response to the son who stays up all night, sleeps all day, wont work and is inconsistent,unable or unwilling to grow up or to at least stop tormenting his parents. Still blaming them for every thing wrong in his life... I need guidance for the situation with our son. Although I am a doctoral level clinical psychologist, husband also in the mental health field, we are at our wits end. Our son is 28 and not getting any better. |
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---Maggie on 4/7/08 |
persepective: what if the 23 year old was Jesus Christ? would your judgments be the same? The golden rule is to do and say to others, exactly what you want others to do and say to you. Parenting skills: Help your son find a job, prepare his resume, etc: he will know that you really love him, rather than by giving him the boot. There are too many souls unwanted by their parents, and not raised properly. Remember, put yourself exactly in his place, and do to others what you would want others to do to you. |
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---Eloy on 1/24/08 |
I had a simular situation with my son. He is 21. I first prayed on the situation. I then gave my son a choice of college, Military or Move out. He decided on the Air Force in fall of this year. That seemed to work for me. I know that it is hard but I think that it would be good for your husband and yourself to do something that you enjoy. Go on a short trip. Live your life. Also remember that even if you have to exercise tough love with your son, he will still love you. |
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---Anita_Williams on 1/23/08 |
You cannot control what a 23 year old does, if you raised him already you have done it, it is really his choice now. But I would not have anything to do with someone who lived in sin. Tough love. Until he changes his ways he wouldnt be welcome at home. It is disrespectful. ...unless you approve of it....which I don't think you do. |
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---frances on 1/23/08 |
A difficult one. You could try tough love. Just don't give him anything, including meals. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself. |
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---frances on 1/23/08 |
Sadly there isn't much you can do to help this man. He is going to have to want to help himself before anything changes. The only thing you can do is pray and tell him you love him but you cant afford to support him and wouldn't he like to have nice things for himself...etc. |
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---sue on 1/23/08 |
Thanks for all replies and suggestions but situation has not improved. He is out of the house but not working. Comes by to eat,sometimes and change clothes,some days. Asks for handouts(money)(small amounts) but is not doing anything constructive. Staying away from older woman's house,sometimes. Just laying around doing nothing most days. |
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---Robyn on 1/23/08 |
As the father of a child who exhibits the same behavior, I know what this person faces. Tough love is hard to give, but this is just what I'm giving him. I have finally started turning the breakers off for his room and the living room. Until he gets a job, no more car rides, no more friends over, he must work to eat, and when he turns 18, he'd better be ready to completely take care of himself, because the wife and I can't and won't. Free room & Board is over and he has to get used to it. |
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---Tony on 1/10/08 |
He needs some tough love. He is in trouble. Perhaps a short life-span. Not much you can do. Live your own life. You raised him. |
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---catherine on 10/16/07 |
Come on people..this man is using his parents, and he will not go get a job as long as they let him do what he is doing. His dad needs to tell him like he would any other man who is living off him, to go get a job and pay his way, or get out. I know I would, and my kids know it too. |
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---a_good_friend on 10/16/07 |
Chances are that this man is spending those "up all night" times with that older woman. Most of us who are over 50 will say that our parents would NEVER have put up with something like this. Of course, that's back when parents were parents and not their childrens' friends. |
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---Susie on 10/15/07 |
First he needs a full physical, but it sounds like he has a maid,a baby sitter, cozy bedroom, a cook,Who needs a restraunt when you have Mom, a nice roof over his head, all bills paid for and not a penny needs to come out of his pocket for rent, Sounds like he loves being taken care of, and is lazy, self centered, uncaring, un-manly, and a wimp....sorry...I already told my son that his experation date is on his 18th birthday.....then he's outa here. |
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---Whisper on 10/14/07 |
Of course you could always tell him the following:
2 Thessalonians 3:10 For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. |
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---denna7667 on 10/13/07 |
If the person in question was mine he would be freeloading elsewhere.
Frank |
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---Frank on 10/13/07 |
Hey if I could have done that when I was a kid I still would have found a job. What kind of kid uses his parents like that. Tell him to get a job - 30 days or out.
23 is an adult - you are not doing him a favor.
I would be patient as long as he responds but once these kinds of habits set in - it may be better to get him a room and make him accountable to someone else.
ps - the whole family could use counseling. |
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---Andrea on 10/12/07 |
Parental obligation/responsibility is over. He's an adult/past time facing consequences of his choices.
Helping him avoid consequences cripples.
1. He's to have a job within 30 days.
2. He's to move within 30 days,with or without a job.
3.In jail for drug use? Tell him you love him, but refuse helping him avoid the consequences for bad choices.
4. An older woman takes him in? That's her choice and his.
5. Pray, fervently, immediately, if not already. |
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---Pat on 10/12/07 |
Susie's idea sounds very sensible. If he had to be out of the house all day, unable to get back in until mom is home he would very quickly establish a different sleep pattern. I think that illness of one kind or another should be ruled out before being too harsh though as you'd never forgive yourself if something bad happened to him in those hours that he is locked out. |
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---RitaH on 10/12/07 |
Tough love. Ask him if he wants to sign up for the armed forces? Offer to take him down to the recruiting office. I bet he'll be able to find himself some kind of a job.
If you're allowing this to go on in your home, all of you need counseling. |
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---Rachel on 10/12/07 |
A 23-year old who wants to stay up all night and sleep all day is a strong sign of drug use. They sell drug test kits at the local pharmacy. |
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---Susie on 10/12/07 |
Sounds like he could be struggling with depression. Get him a complete physical and have him evaluated for depression. He may need therapy and medication to help him before he can find his way in life. |
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---Trish9863 on 10/11/07 |
It could be a case of clinical depression, which saps your will to do anything, makes you mix up your days and nights, and so on.
Clinical depression is a PHYSICAL DISEASE, and don't let anyone tell you it's a moral failing or sin. |
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---Jack on 10/11/07 |
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If he isn't willing to help himself, I wouldn't let him stay with the parents. If he so choses to live with another woman, that is between him and God. But I would tell him, push him if you will into finding a job and a place to live. God will not help this young man until he helps himself (like trying to find a job). |
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---Rebecca_D on 10/11/07 |
He sounds like he has a drug problem. In any case he needs to be pushed out of the nest cold turkey. This is the only way he will learn to fend for hiself. Is there some organic reason that he cannot take care of himself,ie mentally challenged? If not him MAKE go. Use tough love and allot of prayer. Give him 1 mo.to obtain employment. Tell him daily what your plans are. Pastor Larry |
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---larry9688 on 10/11/07 |
When I was faced with a similar predicament, I solved it quickly. When I went to work in the morning, my son had to leave the house and it was locked. He didn't have a key. When I came home, he could get back into the house. He found a job and went to work within a week. He doesn't need to make up his mind where to live. You can do that for him. He will make mistakes and he will pay for them. You cannot protect him from that. Just let him make them. |
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---Susie on 10/11/07 |
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