Should I Get Married To Her
I suppose that this is ultimately up to me, but should I get married? I am engaged to a good Christian young lady. She and I have compatibility. But we have different ideas on how to manage and save money. She wants children and I do not. However, I love her.
Moderator - If you can't agree on kids, please please don't marry. It would be a bad mistake and cause my regrets.
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---Robert on 4/21/08
Helpful Blog Vote (9)
No. NO. NO! You and this lady have two of the most fundamentally opposite views in two of the most commonly divisive issues that have faced couples beyond Eden. You can't possibly think that either you or she will change points of view sometime after the wedding. If you have no problem with a divorce then o.k.(not). Please wait until you can find a nice young lady who is more similarly opinion-ed as you are. I walked down this road once, I thought everything would turn out alright then never noticed until things became so bad I was looking down the business end of a shotgun with his finger on the trigger. I'll pray for U both.
---Pamela on 9/17/08|
I would agree with Elder, EXCEPT I have seen two couples who had separate accounts that have stable marriages. My in-laws were married 59 years and had separate accounts. They shared expenses . . .divided them up according to the incomes of each. They held joint assets in homes and other things though. Cont to 2
---Gena on 5/2/08|
#2 cont: The other couple are younger, in their 40s. They have always had separate accounts, but they work together to achieve their goals and their dreams. They have separate responsibilities, but they take joy in helping the other pay off a debt. So, I think it depends upon the people involved. I've always had joint accounts, all money went into one bag. But there is nothing written in concrete that it must be this way to have a happy marriage.
---Gena on 5/3/08|
How about husband and wife being jointly responsible for finances? We have a joint account and I would continue handling the finances like I do now if something happened to my husband. There is no need for separate accounts. But, one person needs to handle the checkbook so there is no confusion as to how much money is available. At our house, we both sit down and go over the bills that we are paying so we both know what is going on.
---KarenD on 5/2/08|
I think that women should always have their own bank account, otherwise how would a woman cope if her husband suddenly died or was taken seriously ill and unable to handle finances. She wouldn't even be able to pay for treatment or a funeral let alone feed herself and family. Some men are so protective of all monies coming into a home that their wives even have to ask for money to buy really personal things. That is total humiliation and should not be so.
---RitaH on 5/2/08|
Elder, I have to disagree with you on the money matter.
Separate funds give a woman a sense of security which a shared account cannot provide. They're also a matter of trust--if you have separate accounts it means you're secure enough not to go sneaking into the other's business
And in case of emergency, it is well to have funds readily available that don't require co-signing.
But houses should be joint ownership, as should investments from earnings after the marriage.
---Nancy on 5/2/08|
Separate bank accounts will only lead to separate lives. When someone marries they must know they are becoming one flesh.
There should never be anything yours and mine in a marriage. It is all ours.
When you truly love someone all these little matters disappear. That is because you have the best interest of your mate in mind.
Neither of these people are showing this.
His "love" seems to totally implode.
---Elder on 4/29/08|
Money and children are major issues. Just about anyone on these blogs will tell you not to marry and you already know you should not. What are you compatable with? Since these are major issues along with sexual compatability which I suppose you do not know about yet, I do not understand when you say that you are compatable. I do not see compatability. Think hard and long:)
---jody on 4/29/08|
Elder-I agree,they should not marry. I think the varied ideas about not having children are sad. Children are a reward from God.
---melann on 4/29/08|
I agree with Elder. There is one area that Robert can't possibly know they are compatible unless they are sinning.
---KarenD on 4/28/08|
Okay, well, separate bank accounts can help solve the money problem. (Though you need to find a way to make sure that all the bills are paid on time, no matter what.)
As for children, you need to ask yourselves why you each feel the way you do, and if there's any way to compromise on the issue. (1 kid, adopt kids, foster kids, etc.)
But I will point out that there are more than enough human beings on the planet already.
And it's always possible to multiply by zero.
---Nancy on 4/27/08|
Do we also forget that some are called by God to be eunuchs?
Again what ever excuses people come up with this couple should not marry.
I am afraid these people are playing the "marriage game" already and Robert wants no such real commitment. (Robert please tell me I'm wrong.)
A marriage should have your mates desires in mind. This is not in this relationship by their own admission. It is all about what they want for themselves.
---Elder on 4/27/08|
Are we forgetting that one of the commands to Adam and Eve was to multiply,fill the earth and subdue it? Yes, I realize their are alot of children in this world and their are those killing children through abortion. God wants Christian's to have children so there is a generation coming up who will serve Him. If only sinners have children, then where will our world be?
---melann on 4/27/08|
If i'm going to starve, I rather starve
by myself than see children I brought
into this world starve. There are already
food riots in other nations, probable soon
to get here. Women need to control their
urges the same as men are expected to
---michael on 4/25/08|
Why is it that men seem to think they know how women feel? As a woman, I can tell you that having children is one of the primary urges most women have. I'd like to know what areas are compatible for this man and woman since they disagree on two "MAJOR" points of compatability.
---KarenD on 4/25/08|
With the rising food shortage, economy
spiraling out of control, I would choose
not to have children also. These are rough
times. A woman that already has children
maybe,but I think you should not marry if
she insists on having children.
---michael on 4/24/08|
I can't imagine a husband trying to force his wife into hormone related birth control with the added bonus of breast cancer, fertility problems and lifetime of contraception or even the untimely fate of sterilization in some cases. Weight gain, mood swings,problems with bleeding and ultimately a hysterectomy after it go's wrong. All she wanted was a happy marriage. HE'S HAPPY BUT POOR THING SHE'S ''Married''
---Carla5754 on 4/24/08|
Bill_bila5659, what you said does not answer the question. Your Scripture doesn't deal with it either.
The bottom line is the guy does not want children. He needs to hit the road and find a woman who thinks like he does.
The Bible does say, "Women obey your husbands." If they marry he could say no children. What do you think would happen then?
It is best if these two separate. Why start if it is going to fail?
She's got the right string just the wrong Yo-Yo.
---Elder on 4/24/08|
Bill_bila5659 do you think everyone who gets involved or dates is compatible? Well, I have done enough marriage counseling to know different.
There is too many differences in these two. Getting married will only complicate it. Maybe God has other plans for them. If they separate maybe they both will learn their true feelings. I would never as in NEVER perform this marriage for them if I was their Pastor.
---Elder on 4/24/08|
Hi, Elder . . . how it is that a lady likely needs to have children to nurture and for being fulfilled in love? If God has made a woman for bearing and bringing up children (1 Timothy 2:15), she needs to do what she is designed for (o: And in loving their kids in *God's* love, she is fulfilled by this love while she gives it to their kids ("more blessed to give than to receive"--Acts 20:35). So, she DOES get fulfilled in loving . . . by Christ who is loving through her (Galatians 2:20).
---Bill_bila5659 on 4/23/08|
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Yes, Elder, only Jesus can fulfill us, and it is possible for money and children issues to sink a relationship . . . IF the couple is hung up on money and kids, instead of first obeying how God commands us to relate in love, "without complaining and disputing", we have in Philippians 2:14 > "submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21) IF they are compatible, they can pray and learn together what the Bible says is right for them to do.
---Bill_bila5659 on 4/23/08|
Robert-You do have a choice on who you marry but seek God 1st. He knows what is best for both of you. Does she know you don't want children? If she does, I'm suprised she hasn't called it off. Her desire for children will not change.
---melann on 4/23/08|
Please consider why you do not want children. God speaks of children being blessings to women. You state your fiance is a Christian, but are you also? Please go to a financial counselor prior to marriage. After considering these things, I think you will know. If not, do the honorable thing and let her go. Someone will value her. Oh, and I assume you have not forgotten to include prayer in the equation. Blessings.
---brenda on 4/23/08|
ELAshley, thank you for your kind comment. But, really, it is the Lord.
---Elder on 4/23/08|
Oh elder, such words of wisdom. We're not worthy, we're not worthy.
Seriously though, where do you come up with all of this brilliance? We just wait for your comments.
---ELAshley on 4/23/08|
Bill_bila5659, in dealing with Godly and Scriptual issues please show me/us where the Bible says, "... And a lady likely NEEDS to have children to nurture and for fulfillment in love."
Everything I have ever needed came through Christ. Since you are quick to correct others I just wonder if you left something out here.
---Elder on 4/23/08|
Bill_bila5659, Unlike Dr. Phil we don't have an hour to deal with issues here. There are things I'd deal with more than the money and children issue if we were face to face. What these people need to know is there is a major problem already. It will present itself as a destroying factor if they marry. They understand the money and children part and can be, in 85 words, led to thinking this thing through.
Do you think your words to me and others helped them?
---Elder on 4/23/08|
by no means marry. your ideas how to manage money will separate you. it is the cause fights.love now...pay later. children are a gift from the Lord. You sure are missing out, but do not marry her if this is your real feelings. she will feel cheated. you REALLY love her, let her go
---la on 4/22/08|
On issues like money you can comprimise. BUT, on having children, you can't comprimise, so if you can't reach a conclusion on having children, DON'T MARRY. If you marry and she gets pregant you will alway regret it. You will soon have one wrecked marriage and resentful children when they get old enough to understand you didn't want them in the first place. Don't let anyone talk you into the idea that you will love your own children once you have them-it does't work that way.
---wivv on 4/22/08|
Elder, you said, "you will quickly learn to hate each other if a child comes along or a mistake is made in the money" > if they are CAPABLE of hating each other because of a child or money, I'd say their love is not unconditional and so they are not in God's love with each other. And if they do not know real love together, THIS is the problem they need to deal with, not superficial issues about kids and money (o:
---Bill_bila5659 on 4/22/08|
Karen, he was able to betray his own wife, like that. That shows me he was very deeply sick with evil. And yet, she fooled her own self into marrying him, Karen. THAT was not his fault (o: This shows me we need to get with God, so we can't be fooled into marrying the wrong person. In God's love we have the sense we need > "And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment." (Philippians 1:9)
---Bill_bila5659 on 4/22/08|
If you do not want children you obviously do not understand what serving God is about. Children are a heritage and a blessing and having them is uncomparative to a home (out of choice) without them. For me I can say children get a dull community speaking and transforms a home of strife into bursts of overwhelming joy.(JUST MY OPINION).
---Carla5754 on 4/22/08|
Years ago, I was engaged to man who told me he didn't want children. I broke the engagement. He later married a woman who also wanted children, but did not tell her he didn't want them. Years later she found out from his family and divorced him. He had insisted she use birth control all those years because they couldn't afford a child. He died a lonely old man.
---KarenD on 4/21/08|
Try to come to an agreement with her on these issues. If you can't come to an agreement now then obviously you won't later. Getting an agreement now would show you both have something of what it takes to stay married and get along. If neither one of you will give and take a little then both of you should forget about marrying anyone.
---john on 4/21/08|
Robert you are already having problems with the two most important issues in any marriage. You say you are compatible but you must not be.
I suggest that you both begin to see other people because you two should never marry with these issues. These issues will destroy a marriage between you two. You will quickly learn to hate each other if you marry and a child comes along or a mistake is made in the money.
---Elder on 4/21/08|
Donna has told you a painful thing about how not agreeing on having kids resulted in her crying and the husband becoming abusive. I can tell you about the guy who didn't want kids, but got married, anyway, then had kids and so loves them. Without kids, he would have missed how God has fulfilled him in love. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21) Don't let evil and your selfishness decide. The bad stories aren't God's guide (o:
---Bill_bila5659 on 4/21/08|
Robert, "the husband is head of the wife", we have in Ephesians 5:23. If God is not obviously developing you to become her "head", this is all you need to know (o: A body usually agrees with its head and the two work together very intimately, *very* willingly depending on and trusting each other (o:
But the head takes care of its body. And a lady likely NEEDS to have children to nurture and for fulfillment in love. A head provides what is needed for love, Robert.
---Bill_bila5659 on 4/21/08|
The 2 most important things in marriage you don't agree on.Break the engagement.
---shirley on 4/21/08|
I often wonder "why" such good Christian people end up having relationship problems, and even divorcing. This happened to some friends that I hever dreamed would have problems.
The simple truth is: People are just that, People. I'd take the Moderator's advice and study your relationship closely. GOD doesn't want you to end up in a marriage that doesn't honor HIM and leaves you, or your partner, unhappy. If that is where things are headed, it would be best to NOT get married.
---Augie on 4/21/08|
Robert::If she wants Kids, you must submit.Money management can be a life long thorn in the side and cause for arguementation as you each struggle for supremacy over this issue.You say compatibility but explain incompatibility. Romance is the tip if the iceberg.The Titanic was sunk by one such.If you want it to last develop a yes dear attitude, then like a general later win ground, that way you know where you stand on Firm Ground Most women steer the ship use your discreation if you seek Harmony.
---Emcee on 4/21/08|
I would like to share that love is blind and marriage is a real eye opener. There are five phases in love and marriage:
1/ The romantic phase
2/ Reality phase
3/ Renovation phase
4/ Retaliation phase
5/ Rejection phase
God wants oneness (two flesh become one) and not isolation. I recommend pre-marriage christian counseling before making a life long decision.
God bless you....
---Jeanette_Maldonado on 4/21/08|
Does she know you do NOT want children? Because that caused my marriage to fall apart and eventually we divorced. My husband didn't want children and became angry at me when I would cry about it. His anger turned to abuse. If you cannot agree on things BEFORE you are married, it doesn't get better after you are married - trust me, I'm speaking from experience. DO NOT GET MARRIED - STAY DATING and you will remain friends for life.
---donna8365 on 4/21/08|