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Make A Stepson Relationship

I am married to an awesome, older, christian woman. I am her fourth husband and her oldest son is 15-years younger than me. He has come to live with us. I have tried to develop a relationship with him, but he stays in his room. How can I develop a relationship with my step-son through a closed door?

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 ---Glenn on 8/22/08
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Your relationship with your step-son will depend very much on your relationship with your wife. If you love your wife(which I'm sure you do) you may have to endeavour to extend that same love to your step-son. Our love to people may not always be appreciated by them. But as a christian, God will help you to learn to love him even though he doesn't reciprocate. You see, God loved us even while we were sinners! I have a step-son myself, and by God's grace, I have learnt love him in spite of, and he is now responding, and we are growing into a nice small family! God bless.
---kinga3459 on 1/1/09


You can't until he is ready. You should keep trying though so that he knows you want a relationship, but don't push it. (There is a small line between building a relationship and bribing.) If he knows he can make you feel guilty, he will try and bribe but not build a relationship. (Bribing can be his asking for for money or things, but building a relaionship will be to join you for social events.) Keep asking him to join you, but he won't accept until he is ready and this takes time.
---wivv on 9/3/08


It is certainly not uncommon to have difficulty with steps. It will take time, seeing you are the fourth one who has come into his life. Maybe the boy is fed up with changing dads for whatever reason, and you are going to have to win him with your love and patience. God bless you, and may he eventually warm up to you and become a great son and friend.
---john on 8/26/08


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none of us know why this lady has had 4 husbands ...not our business and has nothing to do with the question.
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it has EVERYTHING to do with question and it's weighing heavily on his mind or else he wouldn't have written it

children require STABILITY - a disruptive home FOUR different men and marriages and however many she spent dating in between?? ...it requires effort to date and have a relationship MORE TIME away from kids ...her sons withdrawel is evident he has most likely been very neglected so his mother could pursue her interests of finding a man ...and now her latest conquest is only 15 years older than her son ...he may view her latest husband as an equal not a "step father"
---Rhonda on 8/25/08


Hello brother, Its always tough when entering into a relationship when there are children froma proir realtinship. It always feel like you just cant measure up, or take the place of the former parent. Alls I can think of that comes to mind is patience. It is the virtue.1Cor.13:4. Also, don't ever stop praying of course. Pray for the children, it's not their fault. They are just confused. Eventually they will accept you. I pray that in Jesus name there will be peace in you household and harmony in the name of Jesus. Just dont ever give up . Pray for the Lord to touch the childs conscious. Amen. Blessings, Lisa
---Lisa on 8/25/08




Your answer lies within your post. If you're this womens 4th husband then her son most likely can't be bothered with you ...he's unsure when you will be out and she will be on to next guy.

you're trying too hard to befriend him ...remember 3 other men have come and gone most likely he's very confused right now ...probably angry. It's a very unnatural situation to be in for a child to have one parent on their 4th marriage and a disruptive home life ...chaos of watching his mother change men so often most likely has left a very bitter taste with him which is why he has shut down removing himself from interaction by remaining in his room. It's a safe haven from the turmoil his mother has created for him.

Pray and let him be.
---Rhonda on 8/24/08


How are you relating with *her*? And might *she* be able to help you and your stepson do some sharing? - - maybe starting with *little*, first > so he can see how you are in little involvement > Jesus says, "He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much" (in Luke 16:10).

And, "nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock."(1 Peter 5:3) > making sure you are not sneakily trying to possess him.

IN yourself, invest in being the way you want to be in relating with him, praying for God to make you how *He* pleases. And then, even if the stepson does not want to be with you a really Christian person, others will fit with you as you become how Jesus wants.
---Bill_bila5659 on 8/23/08


Glenn, you need to be prayerfully patient. Being a "step-parent" is hard enough when the children are younger, but, almost impossible with older children. Consider the circumstances in the first marriages, and understand that there is probably a lot of hurt there. My current wife had 3 teenage children when we met, all from the same husband, and a 21 year marriage. It has been difficult and I have been less than perfect, but, I am seeing improvement on all sides through the grace of God. Just be consistant in your stand and not overly bearing with the young man, and understand that he is approaching manhood.
---tommy3007 on 8/23/08


Definitely pray for him. If his mom is on hubby #4, he has had three other men in his life who have come and gone, and trust is not going to come easily. He is at a tough age for any guy, but having mom bring so many men into his life has to be a challenge for any kid. He is probably in a lot of emotional pain of his own from all the upheaval that has occurred, not to mention confusion.

Pray and look for opportunities to invite him to do guy things with you, like take in a ball game, or go fishing, or whatever you enjoy doing for recreation. Make it about the activity, so it is less threatening. Let him see you as an ordinary guy who cares about him and his mom.
---Trish9863 on 8/23/08


Donna, none of us know why this lady has had 4 husbands and should not assume that there has been any fault on her part. It could be a combination of being deserted, widowed, ill-treated. It is not our business and has nothing to do with the question.
---RitaH on 8/22/08




What kind of relationship do you want to have with the boy? You are his step-father and you're not the first step-father he has had. He probably figures you are only temporary in his life, so why bother. Since you state that your wife is an awesome (older) Christian woman, you must be considerably younger than her. The boy probably resents that too. The term awesome Christian woman who has been married four times is an oxymoron. Unless she was married three times prior to becoming a Christian or is widowed three times she has a lot to explain to the Lord. Is this your first marriage and do you have children? Also, if you plan on discipling the boy, this is not your place or your right. Why didn't he live with his mother in the past?
---SusieB on 8/22/08


Glenn, Prayer has no boundaries, goes beyond closed door, through the sky, over mountaintops, works in the valley of our lives, etc., PRAY and ask God to help you reach out to him and ask God to soften his heart towards you. Pray and ask for God's favor, "Lord, please give me favor with her son so that I may befriend him."

You also may want to pray for healing for your wife. Being married four times is alot. Why does she keep jumping into marriages and not get healing for herself?
---donna8365 on 8/22/08


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