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Husband Is Controlling

My husband is controlling and negative. He complains and argues with me daily, and reviews our account and nags me about little expenditures (we have money). I am miserable and depressed when thinking this might be all I ever have in a marriage. He says he cannot change, yet he did not do this prior to marriage! What do I do?

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 ---deb on 12/2/08
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pray for him God can change should ask God to change you just in case you have faults too
---maureen on 5/16/12

Obviously you both are living in sin, as you already stated in your original post that you have money. That is your first problem. You are evil. You need to repent from your evil of having money. First, you need to give all your money to the government. Then you need to quit your jobs and get on welfare. Only then will you be free of the evil greed that plagues society and you can be blessed with self-righteousness and respect for eachother.
---Jed on 5/15/12

what he is dealing with may be a brain issue when i put on a lot of weight like 20 pound's over weight it maid me grouchey irribatable and difficult to be around carring unessary fat. release's hormones that regarate mood and careats emotional dasiter look at doctor danuel amens chance your brain chance your life and excerise I use the p90 X program I am not trying to be mean BUT the bigger some ones body mass is the smaller the brain is. a proven science the program is about $ 265.00 + SH please look it it it may help .I believe this will help your relation ship give you a better marrage and chance his out look on his life and how he feels about him self remember thoughts lie this is science
---greg on 5/15/12

I think some of you have no idea what it's like to be in a controlling relationship. My mom has spent the last 30+ yrs praying and putting her trust in God. She's been submissive, she's tried never arguing, and she still gets treated like dirt. She believes with all her heart that God has a reason for the pain and grief of her life, and that is the only thing that sustains her.
---Rachel on 5/9/12

I have been married for 20 years.I love him very much but he is very controlling! I about 10 years ago got some credit cards(secretly) because he has ALWAYS controlled our finances. If i wanted something I had to go and ask him like he was my daddy!I did have a job and paid my own bills. I eventually had to ask him for help and come clean about the Credit Cards.So since then he thinks I could never be responsible again! But now I recently have started helping him with our business.I am working from home so now I personally have no money coming in.I have to ask for gas money, food money, clothes money, at which I get a speech for EVERY TIME! I feel like I am the only one living this way! It is really making me withdraw from him! What to do?
---Stacey on 8/3/11

The bible also tells husbands to love their wives even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. If husbands treated their wives right, there would not be a problem.
---shira3877 on 1/27/11

Sorry, Dell, I know you aren't joking, but your post made me chuckle. Don't think I've ever heard a woman complain that her husband grocery shops. Still, I suspect your point is that he controls finances to the point of even grocery shopping instead of letting you do so.

My husband does 90% of the grocery shopping, too. He also cooks about 50% of the time. I don't enjoy either, so he gets zero complaints from me. He's a picky eater and he loves to cook, so it's pleasurable for him. Even when I cook, he usually tells me what he wants (and how he wants it prepared). Doesn't bother me at all. Might you learn to enjoy the time off from shopping?
---AlwaysOn on 1/27/11

You think you have it rough, listen to this. I have been married to Mr. Wonderful for 4 years. He buys food for us to eat from one meal to the next. He buys the groceries. i figure he goes to the store at least 90 times a month to get our meal. I cook what he brings home. That is just the tip of the iceburg. Image this mess.
---Dell on 1/27/11

I've the same problem. I got a creditcard that it's not linked to our bank account.
This situation led me to lie about what I bought, through counseling I was able to talk to him about lying because he was controlling me and I could buy what I needed. we made a budget, I kept my other credit card so I still have my privacy. Also we talked about how I used to have certain style of life before we got married and he knew I liked to dress well and take care of myself. We also have money so I told him that I don't feel comfortable buying ugly and cheap clothes that last couple months or getting pimples over a cheap creme. With the control issue you have to learn to stand for yourself, I hope God gives you the strength and wisdom to do so.
---Allie on 1/22/11

Besides therapy, I pray for him, there's a prayer called the Rosary of liberation that helps people heal in the name of Jesus Christ, you can google it. since I started praying, I've seen change in him, and also in me. He's the way he is because he was wounded when he was young. So I'm learning to cope with this through therapy and learning tools to keep myself sane since control tends to kill your selfsteem, he makes you feel you are wrong all the time.

I don't want to get a divorce since he's a good father and I couldn't put my children through that

My heart goes out to you, since I know how hard it is to live with a negative and controlling husband.

May Our Lord Jesus Christ give us the strenght

God bless you
---Allie on 1/22/11

Submission to one's husband is the duty of a wife. To submit means to be in AGREEMENT, not being a doormat. As an experiment, agree with everything he wants and provide no input of your own. Ask him for permission to do everything. Say nothing when he complains. Don't defend yourself.
A fighter needs another fighter to have a fight. Bend in his wind instead of trying to stand firm and immovable against it. This way you (and hopefully he) can see exactly what the issue is, here. There's more to this scenario than meets the eye, and his controlling acts are an attempt to explain something else going on from his point of view.
---Elaine on 5/17/10

okay well there is no reason for you to be miserable, i mean money dose not buy you happiness, and this a red flag, you said he wasnt like this before you got married, first its the finances then its the picture on the wall, then it would be the clothes you wear and the places you go. i don"t believe in being submissive, marriage period is a partnership, 50-50. and if he wanna control someone get him a dog, or a pet. either divorce him, or go to marriage conseling 1st by yourself then as a couple.
---victoria on 5/16/10

My husband of 5 months is very controlling. He's a member of Church of Christ and he's always saying that he shouldn't have married out of his religion. He knew is was baptist, but he views me as being of the world and says that he will never step foot in my chuch. He tries to control everything. Right down to a picture on the wall and then his excuse for not hanging the pictures the way I wanted is: He's the head of the house and god put him in charge. He can consult with me, but he doesn't have to do it my way. I can't even decide where a picture goes. Is Submission his answer to everthing or just CONTROL!!
---Katrina on 5/16/10

Pray and seek Biblical counseling. Own up for your mistakes and get yourself right with God but do not let your spouse put his faults on to you. Quite often, a controlling spouse will refuse to even look at themselves, and will continue in destructive behavior, all the while pointing at you. That's where counseling will help sort out what is your issues and what are his.
---Leann on 4/19/10

Mary ... She could try dealing with it as Francis suggests.

Maybe the irony will get through to him!

But I suspect that it would cause still more aggravatioin for her.
---alan8566_of_uk on 1/31/10

Oh come on Francis! Get real honey!
---Mary on 1/31/10

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I think you need to look at this in another way.
Men show Love to thier mates / wives by being the best provider they can be.
Believe me, your husband is very very concerned about his ability to be a good provider. This may manifest itself by him being overprotective of your finances, no matter how big or how small they may be.

Please constantly remind im of what a good provider he is. He needs to know that his desire to protect you ( that is what he is trying to do ) is noted, and appreciated.
---Francis on 1/29/10

well, we are different we have no $$ but I will say your comment of being miserable says it all! you answered your own question in your question. $ dont buy happiness so you need to realize that someone like me picked up on you realizing your miserable yet you mentioned $$ like your shocked that your unhappy see $$ may be convienent but it cant but=y love my advice to you is find love even if your nails dont get done! true happiness is within your heart not in material things or dollar bills! I garantee once you feel true love living under a bridge will make you feel like the riches woman in the world!
---robyn on 1/28/10

He may be unable to change but God can make the changes. Earnestly and diligently seek God and pray! pray! pray! It is incredible as to what God can do for you:). I have seen many miracles of this nature and am still amazed at how God works to change relationships and personalities. God will guide you in prayer. Just start and watch! Thank you Lord in advance for the wonderful things you are doing in this woman's life and marriage. In Jesus name, I claim her husband to know you intimately and to be the loving partner that she desires and needs. Please let us know what transpires. Blessings, Jody
---jody on 12/3/09

I remember once when I made the mistake of asking advice from a woman on what to do when my husband was treating me like dirt. Her response: be MORE submissive! UGH! It's soooooo true that if a man knows how to treat a woman, he will have a wonderful woman!
---Mary on 4/17/09

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Karen: If men knew their place and how to treat women we would not mind submitting to them. Not all men but very few actually know what submit even means. I would rather be single and alone if I had to submit to some men I know. It is just not worth it. Submit means to actually confer with and seek the input and opinions of the wife as well, before major decisons are made.Her needs should be met as well as his. It does not mean the man should mistreat or brow beat the wife among other ills that men thinks it means.
---Robyn on 4/16/09

A husband does have controll over the wife, The bible says he does. Read 1 Cor. 11, The sad thing with most women, they are not in submission to there husbands. A husband should know your password. GOD put the husband in charge. How many of you ladies obey the word in covering your head? Try this, and you will see a change in your marriage
---Karen on 4/16/09

Try marriage counseling. And try someone who is there for both of you and not just one of you.
---Amanda on 4/16/09

My husband knows my passwords too...I willingly give them to him and he willingly gives his to me. We have no secrets. We have no computer behind closed doors and we have a recorder on the computer that we do have, agreed on in advance.

Perhaps a little counseling can bring you to an agreement of exactly how much is reasonable to spend, and be CONTENT with that amount and be WILLING and happy to give him the security of knowing you are on his team instead of wanting your own way more than his comfort level. It's BEAUTIFUL when you work together on the same team. It feels awesome!!!!! Give him respect with JOY and pray for the ability to do this.

---Mj on 3/17/09

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I am also in a relationship like that and i just dont know what to do I am in a controlling relationshoip he wantst o know about all my passwords and other things and i just dont know what to do i feel helpless and hopeless u know Dawn
---dawn3453 on 3/16/09

I am going through the same thing. My husband is controlling and he dosen't like anybody but himself and I believe that he doesn't any like himeself. He hates my family as well as his own family. He doesn't want me to have anything to do with my family. He thinks that I am going to put his mother before my mother. He is suppose to be a pastor and he claims he is a prophet of God, I don't believe it or feel it. We only have one couple who attends our church since 2003. Once upon a time his ministry was growing, he had over 35 people attending his church and then he became arrogant and people found out how he really was. He would call me out in front of the congregation for something he didn't agree with me about.
---Lady_Miriam on 3/4/09

Only God should have control over someone, not a husband. God gives husbands the management roles, but God is the owner of the company and we need to follow his rules. God wants us to be in peace with each other, and is specific in the bible about how a man should treat his wife. I think so many things are misinterpreted in the bible. Some christians are so stubborn and think they are 100% right, and that's judging other's. I don't think there is any harm in seperation if it is starting to harden your heart. Guard your heart! It is what will be weighed by God. Seperation will either open his eyes, or he will commit adultery and then you are not bound to him any longer. Seperation is not a sin, but anger is!!! God bless and good luck!
---Kim on 3/3/09

Here's a GREAT message, it came from "the alternative" (the radio preaching ministry of Dr.Tony Evans)

His advice is for a husband to make a list of who does what for the other. If it turns out that the wife's list is longer than the husband's (and boy was I convicted because right now at least my list is short) that she according to Jesus Christ is the leader between the two of you! (Matthew 23:11)

When I heard that I started doing housework...!!! This advice should be applied both ways of course, not that we compete, just that we should strive to be our best, and thereby inspire others.
---Pharisee on 12/8/08

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Pharisee,Of course I forgive you. I'm not mad nor holding any ill feelings against you. I was just concerned about you because none of it seemed like your usual self. I was wondering if perhaps the strain of needing a job was getting to you,it would most people,so I've been praying for you,not upset at you,just surprised. I hope I was wrong and you have found work. May God bless you with whatever your needs may be,if any,and most all of us have some. Sorry if you got upset,it really isn't about being right or wrong with me either. It's all about loving God's Family and helping them. God Bless and Keep You.
---Darlene_1 on 12/8/08

He can change. What he really is saying is he doesn't want to change. (To say he can't change is limiting the Lord.) Ask him to give you an allowance. This way, you don't have to have his permission to spend it. (Just make sure if he agrees to this, that he agrees to let you spend it as you want, not as he says.) When you ask him for an allowance, put it in the form of a question, "Will you give me an allowence?" If he is controlling, as you state, this will allow him control since he is allowing you to spend this money as you want. This will not solve his controling problem, but it will be a start. It won't be under control until he wants it under control.
---wivv on 12/6/08

Sorry Darlene, I should keep composure a bit better than I did.

I don't even care if I am right or wrong at this point, I shouldn't have personally jabbed you, and I am hoping for your forgiveness.

God Bless YOU!
---Pharisee on 12/6/08

Deb....Perhaps the reason you "have money" as you say is that your husband watches the money closely. If you had a Biblical relationship prior to marriage, then his finances and your finances would have been separate. So, how could you possibly have known how he was about "his" finances prior to marriage. Is it possible that "his" finances was a motivational force in your marrying me?
---SusieB on 12/5/08

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Pharisee,I wasn't talking about you,just Deb's problem. I beg your pardon I don't need help and I don't project myself into those Ladies problems,you're mistaken. "Back off",all I did was wonder why you blamed the woman and make excuses for the man. If you're saying you live with abusive woman now I know,sorry you have experienced such terrible things yourself. My Degree is in Psychology,I took my Counselor training at a Mental Health,Mental Retardation Clinic to do Marriage Counseling,I worked in a Battered Women's Shelter. I know verbal abuse can take a toll on a person mentaly and physically,it can escalate into physical violance which leads to injury and even death. It isn't Godly to stay in abuse,God doesn't expect anyone to.
---Darlene_1 on 12/5/08

The women on this site don't preach true Biblical submission, they say it's brutish control, I disagree it's SELF CONTROL for the sake of God's command.

He gave the submission directive for one cause, and one cause a woman in her flesh will NEVER understand, so that the man she is submissive to will always favor ONLY HER with his love, and so that he will always have the needed motivation. IN the military there is order, and officers are respected for the sake of command chain, not because they're respectable per say.

You take away a man's RESPECT and if you refuse to be self controlled you invite his control over you, then you CRY ABUSE NEGATIVITY, I CAN'T GET MY WAY!!! I'm sick of it. Ephesians 5:24 "ALL THINGS"
---Pharisee on 12/5/08

The will of God makes me miserable.

That's what you're saying ladies, I don't want to do what God tells me to. The commands of God are for our good or they're not.

Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

When 5:24 happens 5:25 fits naturally, but you people won't endure sound doctrine, you want to think you have equal stake in the way things get ordered. I do believe in compromise, I do believe in close careful concern for one another, I believe in tenderness, and gentleness, but I also believe in EXACTLY what the Bible calls for in the order of the home.

Anything with no head is dead, and anything with two heads is a FREAK.
---Pharisee on 12/5/08

He can change if he choses to. And he can't change if he doesn't let God change him. Your husband likes controlling you on what you do, where you go, who with, and the money issues. Because YOU LET HIM. Like some people, once they get married they automaticly believe they can control their spouse like a puppet. If you believe it is better to agree with him instead of standing up for yourself, then yeah you'll stay miserable. As long as you let him control you and nag at you, he will. Just because we are to be submissive to our husbands that doesn't mean we should let them treat us like a doormat.
---Rebecca_D on 12/5/08

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You know what, I am indignant at this point, I've been judged by a brawling woman and what this person doesn't realize is that I LIVE WITH AN ABUSER and am abused almost daily emotionally and verbally.

YOU NEED TO BACK OFF DARLENE, you don't know me, I know the power of Christ in the frailty of his children, I LIVE IT, and I'm tired of people coming on here claiming to do the Lord's work, claiming to speak for God and undermining his word with counsel that assumes instead of KNOWING the facts.

I've seen your knee jerk reactions to every "unhappy wife" blog crying abuse and mistreatment by the big mean old man, you project your trauma into every unhappy woman's marriage who writes in on this site. You need to get help.
---Pharisee on 12/4/08

You say he argues with you but you are also not in agreement with him and thus you are 50% of the argument. He probably thinks you are the one arguing with him. I think this whole thinmg is very immature and selfish. Are you are miserable and depressed because you're not getting your way? I hope he isn't the same. Rise up above your circumstance.
---john on 12/4/08

I was in an abusive marriage with a supposedly "Christian" man. Abuse comes in many forms, and his was verbally and in his attitude toward me. I agree with those who say that such a man as yours (and my ex-husband) cannot change because they have to *want* to change. Most abusers don't want to change because it makes them feel good to put you down. They're like a little dog that yaps a lot to make himself seem bigger than he is. You do not deserve this treatment and you cannot "fix" him. It is your choice to decide if you should stay or go ~ I stayed for about 10 years ~ I wasn't sure if it was Biblical or not to go. Now, I personally believe that not letting someone abuse you in any way is indeed Biblical. God loves you!
---Laurie on 12/4/08

Sounds like how I can be . . . in my mind, but I'm too "dignified" and "proud" to knowingly let others see how I can be paranoid, suspicious, critical, dominating with my talk to show I am right. I do my arguing in my imagination, and always "win", this way (o: But then God gets me into His peace and caring for people, and I like me better in this peace and how I relate in sweetness and trying to be sensitive to Him while I relate with people. It's more adventurous (o:
---Bill_bila5659 on 12/4/08

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Pharisee Husband told her he can't change,which says he isn't willing to try. 1 Peter 3 is speaking of subjection not slavery and what I said isn't against the Bible. That is a bunch of male propaganda that a woman has to allow herself to be beatendown in spirit. If a man acted like the Lord then woman would want to obey. Deb said he abuses her,what do you think,he complains,argues,nags about what she spends,not big spending small,not some all,he is controlling and negative is,that's all abuse. Why do you ignore facts and put the blame on her and make excuses for him? Don't you know verbal abuse makes people physically sick? There's No Excuse for any person to abuse another. It is wrong! He is wrong!
---Darlene_1 on 12/4/08

DEB: Have your husband allocate a petty cash expenditure figure for each month. I am the Financial "Controller" of our household budget and little debits and deductions to the account would make me crazy because it made it more difficult to balance the books. If he knows that $200 (example) is coming out every month then he will not question every little deduction. This helped our situation greatly, I hope that it helps you.
---TIMOTHY on 12/4/08

Your husband has a spirit of witchcraft on him - due to him being controlling. Two things you can do, if you want to stay married to him, pray that the spirit of witchcraft be broken off of him. The second thing you can do is leave the marriage. Either way, it is a good idea to pray for him to be set free from this demonic spirit. If you do not pray for him, it will only get worse.
---Leslie on 12/4/08

"Don't let anyone convince you that by changing yourself your husband will change,he won't."

Darlene, you just told her to ignore what the Bible says. (1 Peter 3)
Even Deb didn't say he was an abuser, just that he was controlling and negative with finances.
Maybe he grew up in a poor family, that would make someone act nutty over finances without realizing it don't ya think?
Maybe Deb is taking things too personal and doesn't realize it, not all men are like the buffoons you see on TV, and surely all have their faults, but does that mean every miserable woman is abused? Abraham Lincoln said "a person is as happy as they make up their mind to be."
---Pharisee on 12/4/08

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Deb,There is no excuse for your husband to treat you that way. Don't let anyone convince you that by changing yourself your husband will change,he won't. He lied to you by pretending to act one way when he was the opposite. He has already told you he won't change by saying he can't,he can if he wanted to. He is a bully,a wife abuser,as the Bible calls it a "railer"which means to scold in harsh,insolent,or abusive language. 1 Corinthians 5:11 says you aren't to keep company with any brother who is a drunkard,fornicator,idolator,covetous,railer or extortioner,don't eat with him. Protect yourself he is a controlling abuser. Don't live your entire life being abused and heartsick. Pray for strength and wisdom to do what you must.
---Darlene_1 on 12/3/08

Hello Deb, It sounds like you've been going through alot. Begin to read the word, and draw closer to God in prayer and in thought. You will find God to be a refuge in the midst of the storm, you will also find God begin to heal your marriage. He will give you peace and unspeakable joy. Be an example to your husband, while lifting him in prayer. You can not change him, but God can! You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!
---melinda on 12/3/08

it appears the main is issue here is money,
so either discuss every expenditure prior
to purchase,or discuss a monthly fun
money account or allowance,that way he can
prepare for it,as far as arguing,it takes
two to do this,a one sided arguement ends
quickly.hope this helps,and may the Lord bless you both with a spirit of teamplay.
---kevin on 12/3/08

Deb this might sound cliche but it really is the best advice: Change you.

At some point you must have an issue that is as great if not greater than his if you are miserable because of what he does. Do you mean to tell me you CAN'T ignore him or blow off what he says? That's as much a lie as him saying he can't change. Don't cha think?

YOU can't fix him so your time will be best spent fixing you, get to the bottom of this and find out why it bothers you so much, maybe your Father put you down, maybe a boyfriend abused you, whatever it is, there is some bondage keeping you from the peace of knowing what GOD says about YOU, in light of his babbling unmerciful criticism of you.
---Pharisee on 12/2/08

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