hmm..text'n "old girlfriend"...obviously, He feels some "history" with this woman,SEEK GOD! here's a thought perhaps A Meeting you,husband and your Pastor! Someone who is trained n Marriage Counsel'n with the WORD of God have (wisdom) just a thought!Once same problem..pastor was 100%Right! God bless & help you!
---ELENA on 6/27/11|
What do you think you can do? Take his cell phone,give him an ultimatum. Demand he quit texting this woman. Ask him why he has a need to do this. Sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Be honest. Let him know this is hurting you and is disrespectful toward you. And that you would never do this to him. He might take the blinders off and begin to respect you, as he would like to be respected. I hope I have helped some. Just some ideas for you to lull over. GBU
---Robyn on 6/27/11|
God showed you what is going on so now you have to go to God and ask him what do you do about this. but while there is still hope in your marriage get some marriage books on how to better your marriage
---bariq7997 on 6/27/11|
This is to Debbie. Your story sounds like the beginning of mine and mine is now ending in divorce because of a cheating husband, when all it supposedly was was "two old friends catching up" Well it may have started that way but it didn't stay that way. She lives about 2 hrs away and they communicated through email and texting for about 1 1/2 yrs., of course at my strong protesting but all the while both of them swearing its only a friendship. Well they finally decided to meet up for lunch. Then it was all downhill from there. Just be careful and keep your eyes and ears WIDE open. Question him, you deserve answers. I'm sure he wouldn't like the tables turned. I hope your situation ends up differently than mine. Good luck.
---Renee on 6/26/11|
How did my post in answer to a different question get on this page? I know I sent it to the right page. (4-27-09)
---Betty on 5/11/09|
NOT ACCEPTABLE behavior for a married man. He's asking for trouble. He needs to protect his marriage and his family. Period! Let him know you don't approve and make sure he stops through accountability, open and honest communication. Be firm and stand your ground.
---Vicki on 5/9/09|
You know I have the same problem, I have found that my husband has been writing to a few of his old high school girlfriends on one of those social sites and I don't think this is appropriate or sending the right message, I'm wondering what the opinions are out there if this is okay or not, I don't feel like it is
---maria on 5/7/09|
Obviously, Deb, this is upsetting to you and causing mistrust because if it wasn't you would not be here. I can tell you I understand and I would feel the same way. He is YOUR husband and I truly feel he should be cutting whatever ties he has with her. Now, the next step is this that if he truly loves you and he knows it bothers you, he will stop. After all, you ARE his priority in this life as far as women or at least you should be. How would HE feel if he were in your place?
---kandee on 4/30/09|
Beckie- If you can you should leave him. Some people have killed their wives over an affair with another woman. According to the Bible, he's committed adultery already. He's not worth living with. Let the Name of the Lord be magnified. Scripture says do not give in to sin. Two wrongs don't make a right. Love God, and call on the Holy Spirit for guidance. Need help? Tell people. Don't keep his dirty secret. Some have died and people didn't know why. Be safe and love the Lord.
---Betty on 4/27/09|
He must stop or it will develop into an all out affair. I know because I saw my husband's cell bill with his numberous calls and text message to his co-worker and confronted him with that for several months. He blocked me off his cell bill too.
Then he was caught kissing her by her husband just short of and affair. I don't trust him, respect him or want to be with him but I have 36 years invested in this marriage so what would you do. Don't let him get away with this, stop him or leave him I wish I had this advice before it got to this level.
---Beckie on 4/27/09|
She is old friend from school. He said he never dated her. He does not call or text her in front of me, only when away from home. When he calls her while working, he talks 1 to 4 hours at a time with her late at night. This is what concerns me. He says they are just friends. She is single and knows he is married. I don't think is appropriate for either one of them to be doing this, but I don't think it says much for her since she knows he is married. I think he is telling me the truth, but I still have doubts of her feelings for him.
---Debbie on 4/24/09|
Wait, was she just his friend, or is she his ex gf? I hate to tell you what a lot of people have told me about some things, but you need to trust him more.
Now it depends on the situation. Is he calling her and texting her when he is around you? That is rude.
Is he doing it often? But everyone has a different definition of what "often" means, but I think you know what I mean.
---amand6348 on 4/19/09|
I am so sorry to hear this. I know it hurts at just the thought of them talking so much. I know the feeling. In my heart, I don't think my husband would cheat on me with his old childhood friend he calls and texts, but at the same time, I wonder what can they be talking about that lasts for 2 to 3 hours at a time. My husband works out of town and talks to her late at night while he is driving. He and I don't talk for periods of that length when we talk when he is gone. He tells me it is innocent, but I just don't like it. I guess because I don't know what "her" intentions are. I got really depressed also when it started and took antidepressants. I stopped taking them after a while. I will pray for you.
---Debbie on 4/2/09|
Is first time I have read a blog-can't believe I am responding. After 38 years my husband's ex girlfriend called us to meet for lunch. They exchanged a few phone calls and emails. I asked him to stop-he promised that he would. Found out 4 months later the phone calls continued in secret-got his cell phone records and found over 80 calls over 18 hours. I am devastated, says he has stopped but he set up a block on phone records so I can't get them. He called thanksgiving, Christmas eve, Christmas, new years eve, my birthday. He refuses to tell me why he called-he "can't and won't tell me what they talked about." My job recently ended, I am 57 years old and I don't know what to do. Have lost 20 lbs and am on antidepressants.
---mary on 3/26/09|
I wouldn't be too impressed if my hubby rang or text his school mate, The bible said for this reason shall a man should leave mother and father and cleave to wife.
It go's onto say and they become one it is a mystery!
we that means there's only room for one ME!
anyone one else there needs to be some explaining.lol
---Carla3939 on 3/17/09|
Hello TheSeq, bless you for sharing your fears--I'm familiar with that fear myself and I deeply empathize. You and I both (or at least me--I don't know about you, excuse me) really need to get into the Word more--I sure do. I'm working at that now. Also, I personally don't believe in the pre-trib rapture theory so I have come to believe it will all be at the end so that calms my paranoia although last night I was dealing with it some with an overnight guest. Anyway God bless you, hang in there
---Mary on 3/1/09|
" He says she asks his opinion on guys she is chatting with on the internet"
If that is the case, it would perhaps be appropriate for you to give your opinion on those guys.
As a woman, you would be better placed to assess them.
---alan8566_of_UK on 3/1/09|
Debbie, I can tell you unequivocally that what your husband is doing is 100% inappropriate. He is attracted to fantasy, the past, and things that he can't have. Thats a big sign of immaturity. Its entirely possible to committ adultery in our hearts. what he is doing is actually going beyond that. If you want your marriage to improve, pray pray pray and with humility. Peace.
---AaronT on 3/1/09|
Your husband should feel it is a problem if it is a problem to you. If he had the love of Christ for you, He would never want to hurt you in this manner. I would want to ask him why he felt he needed to communicate with a woman in such a manner who is not his wife, sister, daughter, grandmother, or another relative. The Bible says to abstain from all appearance of evil.
---Leisa on 2/27/09|
You know, sometimes I brake down in great fear, of being left behind.
Someone once said the greatest evil is to kill a man just to watch him die.
I dont think so! I can see a greater evil at work in the world. I know it will not hurt me, because I know what it is! But I fear it exceedingly! Why, because I also Wonder what in the world you are doing and thinking when you write them.
Betty, believe me, I am not talking to you.
Here I go!
And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations, and then shall the end come.
May the Lord of peace be with you!
---TheSeg on 2/27/09|
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Seg- Sometimes when I read your posts I wonder what in the world you are doing and thinking when you write them.
---Betty on 2/26/09|
All things are lawful unto me,but all things are not expedient:all things are lawful for me,but I will not be brought under the power of any.
And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?Then he arose,and rebuked the winds and the sea,and there was a great calm.But the men marvelled, saying,What manner of man is this,that even the winds and the sea obey him!And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes,there met him two possessed with devils,coming out of the tombs,exceeding fierce,so that no man might pass by that way.
Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee, that, if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?
---TheSeg on 2/25/09|
The thing that I may not have made clear is that she is not an old girlfriend. She lived next door to him when they were young and went to school together. They never dated. He ended up going to one highschool and she went to another when his family moved. He says they just talk about her family, his family, and old classmates that she has kept in contact with. My worry is that because she is divorced and he says she is not really dating anyone right now, she may be getting attached to him and I don't think he sees it. He said if he ever thinks that her feelings have changed to something more than friends, then he will stop talking to her. Her email message sounded like she was falling for him, without really saying she loved him.
---Debbie on 2/25/09|
Debbie- You think he is naive, but I think you are if you believe that. Don't underestimate him.
---Betty on 2/25/09|
Seg- Sit down, if you know what I mean.
---Betty on 2/25/09|
I would NOT do the same as he is doing. Why would you want to be found guilty of the same thing. I know it hurts you but you must reframe from falling in that trap of deceit. I feel if a person is keeping contact with an old girlfriend(boyfriend) and talking about the past(isn't part of that past involve their own personal fling they're talking about?) I feel there is lust in the heart. If there's lust in the heart it's the same as committing the act of adultry. I would be afraid to say that the girlfriend would make effort to come to town and he find himself making a way to meet up with her. I just feel like that could happen.
---Louise on 2/25/09|
THANKS BE TO GOD!
THERE ARE GOOD MEN IN THE WORLD YOU KNOW!
God bless you and him
---TheSeg on 2/24/09|
Maybe you are a private person, I dont know.
You are having an issue with your husband.
2Co 13:1 This is the third time I am coming to you. In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.
Maybe you dont believe this is the right thing to do.
Establish every word, dont you want to resolve this?
People talk the talk, but dont walk the walk. Sorry for that, but it must be said.
Either you believe his word has power or you dont.
Take ye three any three people, you will not be fool.
The word will be true of them.
Love your husband do no evil against him.
Anyone telling you anything against him is not of God!
---TheSeg on 2/24/09|
Well, Deb, you have told him how you feel, and he has put her feelings above yours. Time for marital therapy.
---Trish9863 on 2/24/09|
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I "have" talked to my husband and have told him that it bothers me that he talks and texts her. He tells me that he is just friends with her and nothing else. She lives several hours away and he says he has not seen her in person. I believe that. He says he likes talking to her about the past and old friends. Now, with the email she sent him, I feel she is getting too attached to him. He says she isn't and he would never be interested in her in a romantic way and he would never cheat on me. I think he is naive. He says everything is innocent and they just talk. He says she asks his opinion on guys she is chatting with on the internet. I still don't like it. I just don't know what to do.
---Debbie on 2/24/09|
Jesus Christ would not approve of that problem. The Lord wants men and women to get along, yet if they can't they need to do something about it. Just make sure you're not at fault. Retaliation is not wise, the Lord would not like it. Don't sin because he sinned. He is planting seeds of discord, and not honoring his wife, nor the Lord. He should avoid the very appearance of evil. From what you describe, Debbie, he and she are simpering over each other, and it is not right. It sounds like they have already committed the act, and if they haven't, they're getting ready to.
---Betty on 2/23/09|
You married for better or worse. Walking out on a marriage just because he emails a friend who happens to be female seems to be just what the devil would want you to do. Then what? Marry again and if the same happens, marry a third time. No, you have to figure out how to cure this yourself. God gave you a brain, so use it.
---frances008 on 2/22/09|
Frances: You see this relationship as a battle, and I do not. The wife here is NOT in competition with her husband. At least, she should not be in competition, therefore, they are not battling, or should not be. The enemy is not the other woman, or the husband, or the wife, but Satan. He comes to destroy. The couple should be allied with each other, and a marital therapist, OPENING up the lines of communication with their mouths, not by texting people that are not in their marriage.
---Trish9863 on 2/22/09|
Christ died when we were in our sins, to show us his love and when we accept his love then we become Christlike and we no longer want to sin. Sin becomes hateful to us. Trish, this is not a question of sin, but of a habit that the husband does which annoys the wife. The wife is suspicious that the husband is having an affair of the heart with another woman. The husband does not care what the wife thinks. If it is not a sin, then doing the same will not affect the woman's character, except to give her allies and make her feel less alone. The husband may begin to see that this habit is not good for the marriage, and ask that she stop. Then they can both stop. I am talking about tactics. You cannot win any battle without using tactics.
---frances008 on 2/22/09|
Debbie, Your husband has already let you know where his heart is. If you continue with him, he will only become deceitful. If you get rid of him you'll be better off. Counsellors are only human beings. Some have morals no better than his. They could make you feel like you are at fault, even though you are not. Better look at the handwriting on the wall. He was supposed to forsake all others when he married you. Friends could help you maybe, but God could help you more - find out how to get the Holy Spirit. He can help you know exactly what to do.
---Betty on 2/22/09|
There is a great movie out there called "Fireproof" It is a Christian movie and if you are having marriage problems, I suggest you watch it.
---Pastor_Herb on 2/22/09|
Debbie, I just saw a program, "Why Men Cheat". The expert said 90% of men reported they cheated because they received admiration they didn't get from their wives. (The other 10% are chronic cheaters).
All of us want to feel valued and loved. When people have been married for a while, it's easy for both to take their partner for granted.
I am in no way excusing what your husband is doing, but if you want to improve your happiness, and his, it's time to get to work. Get to a counselor. If he won't join you, go alone. Make an effort to be more attentive. Be affectionate. Plan a date night every week. Remember how you behaved before you were married?
God loves you, Debbie. No matter what. Blessings to you both!
---Deb on 2/22/09|
Goto step 2
His Father, Mother and his family.
But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
I only say this, because there is an underlying question of trusting him.
Next part is, from Deb side only. It sound excessive for me to hear wanted to let him know that he means the world to her and it seemed inappropriate. No!
If it is upsetting you, it is rude, inconsiderate and inappropriate.
If it were me, and my wife asked me to stop, my love for her, would make me stop.
After all who is more important some girl or my wife.
---TheSeg on 2/21/09|
The Bible teaches that we do not return evil for evil but rather blessing. It also teaches that we are to avoid the appearance of all evil. This husband is acting in a way that appears evil and is in error. He is dishonoring his wife. I agree that therapy might help but prayer and returning good for evil is best because that is what the Bible says. It also says that a wise man seeks counsel so if this man is trainable, then he would heed wise counsel.
---jody on 2/21/09|
Frances said: "They deserve the same treatment they dish out."
The problem with that thinking is that it is vengeful, and destructive to building a marriage, should one still be there to salvage. Also, when it comes to deserving, we are all deserving of God's condemnation, but Christ came to give us love, grace and hope. We are supposed to reflect that love, grace and hope in all of our relationships, especially marriage. If a wife goes about behavior that is identical to the husband's, which she dislikes, then she is no better than he is. One of the members of the marriage should act like Christ, and be loving and forgiving and try to restore the relationship, not tear it down.
---Trish9863 on 2/21/09|
Trish, I see what you mean. A member of my family had this happen, the husband texting an ex-girlfriend. The husband could see no wrong in it, even when the girlfriend deliberately humiliated his wife in front of both families on a holiday. I would not let things get this far, by using any tactic available. This husband was a controlling person about everything. Sometimes a bit of their own medicine does them good. As women we have to outsmart the men somehow if we want to keep them. Obviously every couple argues, but going after other women at the expense of your wife is the behaviour of a rat. They deserve the same treatment they dish out.
---frances008 on 2/21/09|
Frances: For the wife to do the same behavior as the husband just to show him what he is doing is bothersome to her is childish, and inappropriate. If the husband is chatting with the women just for fun, and there is no supposed harm in it is not good enough either. His behavior is bothering his wife, and they need to discuss it. Not play games, but talk about it. That is why I suggested marital therapy, a venue where the behavior could be discussed openly, with a third party to help mediate the discussion.
---Trish9863 on 2/21/09|
To those saying I would be committing tit for tat I have this to say. No. The husband does not see that what he is doing is offensive to his wife. He needs for someone to wake him up to what the situation is. If what he is doing is not offensive but just in fun, for 'asobi' or 'play' as we say in Japan, then there is no sin in it. In that case, while the husband has his friends, it is only fair that the wife should have her friends. The men she chats to, online or however, must know where the line in the sand is drawn. It is just for 'recreation'. There is no sin in it. It will defuse her feelings of isolation and being neglected. I don't condemn the husband unless he is going beyond the line into the territory of affection.
---frances008 on 2/20/09|
Deb- Can him. It is apparent he having an affair with her, and if he said those things to you, let it be. Find out if he wants a divorce.
---Betty on 2/20/09|
Ask him if it's okay for you to see what he is texting? If he has nothing to hide he won't get all uptight but if he gets defensive about it you should pursue further. He needs help if he is into getting ties with other women. Start praying.
---john on 2/20/09|
TheSeg: I totally agree with you. Tit for tat does not solve anything, and makes problems in relationships a lot more complicated. It is childish revenge, and the Lord says to leave that revenge business to Him.
This marital problem requires open communication and that might require counseling, as both parties need to feel they can discuss their feelings and be heard. In this situation, the husband is being passive agressive in telling the wife to "get over it."
We don't know the whole story of this marital relationship. That's why I suggested marital therapy.
---Trish9863 on 2/20/09|
My wife and I have been married for almost 33 years. I have female friends that I write to. My wife has male friends she writes to. Neither of us have issues with this because we are open with each other and I don't normally have issues with it.
In THIS case, however, there is more than meets the eye. Deb, husbands should NEVER tell you to "get over it."
You need marriage counseling and quickly. My prayers are with you.
---NurseRobert on 2/20/09|
You need to focus on your wife. The old girlfriend has nothing for you anymore.
---Bryan on 2/20/09|
Debbie, First, is your husband a christian? Are you a christian? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you need to tell your husband that he is not doing right by what the Bible teaches. According to what Jesus taught in Matt. 5:27-28, this is at least "bordering on" adultery. Your husband should be reading Ephesians Chapter 5, where we men are COMMANDED to "love our wives as Christ also loved the church." He is not obeying that commandment in the current setting and the responses he has given according to your writing. He should be more than happy to do what you request, and if not, should seek counselling. Our prayers are with you.
---tommy3007 on 2/20/09|
Ask your husband if it's okay for you to write to a male penfriend
No! No! No!
tit for tat!
---TheSeg on 2/20/09|
Ask your husband if it's okay for you to write to a male penfriend. If he says it's okay, then go ahead and start a similar thing. If he says it's not okay, then he should stop texting her.
---frances008 on 2/20/09|
Debbie, are you kidding, he told you to get over it and deal with it? and you need advice on what to do? well here is mine. He is cheating on you, if not physically, then mentally. I think you should deal with it too, by telling him to stop or he can leave. Now thats what I would do, but its your life. If this is the kind of marriage you want, then do nothing, and let him keep talking to her.
---a_freind on 2/20/09|
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Wow, this hurts.
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
---TheSeg on 2/19/09|
Out of respect for you, I'd tell him to stop it. All may be very innocent, but if you don't like it, he should stop. It would be smart on your part to ask him "why". If it's too serious, would suggest you and him get some maritial counseling - from a qualified marriage counslor, not some well meaning person.
---wivv on 2/19/09|
I can see that I might find it easier to talk on the phone with someone who is telling me what a great person I am. It might be a "little" bit harder to deal with my wife who is living with me. Fantasy on the phone, or reality > actually, it's more interesting and challenging to learn to live with someone, I think. So, if I am being foolish enough to cop out to a fantasy phone life, I'd be a little hot under the collar to be confronted about this. You will get more out of God, in prayer, I think, than he is able to give you, at this point. I'd get with God and become the person He has you be, so you are the way you really would want to be for your husband, in case God brings him to learn how to love.
---Bill_bila5659 on 2/19/09|
Like I said in my original post...pray and seek marital therapy. Those are the only things I can even think to suggest at this point in time.
---Trisxh9863 on 2/19/09|
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My husband calls his old highschool female friend when he is away from home, working. He also texts her. Sometimes, he talks 2-4 hours at a time. She forwarded him an email and tagged on a message that say that she "wanted to let him know that he means the world to her". I told him that seemed inappropriate to me for her to say that. He defended her and said it does not mean that she is in love with him. I asked him if he would tell her that the email message was inappropriate. He will not do that. He got a little angry with me. He will not stop calling her. He told me to "Get over it" or "Deal with it". That really hurt me. What do I do?
---Debbie on 2/19/09|
I wonder what would happen if you texted her?
---alan8566_of_UK on 2/19/09|
How about using prayer, marital therapy, more prayer, more marital therapy.
---Trish9863 on 2/18/09|