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My Husband Evaluates Me

Everyday my husband evaluates everything I am doing. Why is the door open? Why did you dig a hole in the back yard? Is this all you do all day long? Why is the tv on? I like your hair this way. Are you going to where that shirt? I am sick of the "comments" What is this all about?

Moderator - He simply may have too much time on his hands and is bored or maybe its something more. Just ask him.

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 ---elissa on 4/29/09
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Dated 2 yrs. He got saved last year. i've been saved for 15yrs. I'm 25 he is 29. one afternoon we were in his car and saw a gentleman struck by a bus. we stopped to help, the injured was leaning on a parked car. the owner of the parked car came out started cursing and pushed the injured off his car, i started cursing him back, flipped out and kicked his car. My boyfriend said that we were over, i was a poor reflection of him and the two years together were negated by this one time event. God keeps me going but it is hard. The only thing my ex wants to do is bible study which is a blessing but he wont address our issue or take me back and says he doesnt care if i dont want to wait till he is ready to take me back. Help.
---Lysa on 6/21/09

Yeah! Just what is that hole all about????
---SusieB on 5/7/09

LOL! Much as I hate to admit this, Trav does make a good point :D
---Mary on 5/7/09

It could be complimentary that your husband takes such care of you, and the things going on around him. Just explain what you are doing and why. Maybe one of you is going senile (?)
---frances008 on 5/6/09

The Irony here is that everyone is evaluating the husband. No witnesses.
Oh, yeah....I have my own thoughts too. Caught myself evaluating. Ha.

So easy to make a determination based side.

What is not said here? Tells almost as much as what is said.

Why is the door open?? Snow is blowing in.
What is going in that hole in front of the steps? (Trying to break my leg?)
Guess I'd make a baddddd husband. I'm comfortable with it.
---Trav on 5/6/09

He sounds like he's home a lot without much to do. Is he employed? Are you newlyweds? or retirees? Can he find something to be interested in besides your every move?

A controlling person usually shows signs of that before marriage. Sometimes if you are young and starry eyed, you think things will get better after you marry. But ingrained personality traits don't change.

In any case, everybody here is correct. You need to talk. Find a time when he is content and well-fed. Don't accuse or place any blame on him... just tell him how it makes you feel when he questions you like he does.
---Donna66 on 5/4/09

Remember that you don't have to be validated my any man if your faith is strong in what the Bible says concerning you in Christ.

Do you see the way Jesus answered the pharisees and scribes, he entered their arena but it didn't enter him. I particularly love the comment concerning John's baptism. Jesus answers a question with a question, and reproves them with no struggle. You might ask yourself why this (the comments) bother you so much, insecurity is the only reason he continues on your case -it's because he can. The Lord had no such problem and so they could not touch his soul.

What's your solution? Emmulate Christ of course, find your identity in him and you'll have an answer for evey inquiry that will keep you above reproach.
---Pharisee on 5/3/09

The man's a control freak, pure and simple, I feel sorry for Elissa!
---Mary on 5/3/09

John below, you say that the man was like this before the marriage and therefore has no business complaining now? Is that a right evaluation of your comment? What about when you marry a man who is one character, and after the marriage he changes? It is more likely that this happened, isn't it? Why he changed is something that needs looking into. Perhaps the lady in this marriage also changed and started to do things that upset him. Mind you, unless you were living in sin before a marriage, you would not know exactly what your husband's behaviour is likely to be after marriage.
---frances008 on 4/30/09

SusieB~ Toooo funny.

But Elissa, Yes this is a serious concern. I would make some coffee, and sit down comfortably with my husband, and tell my husband..."You know sweetie, I know I don't say it enough, but I really appreciate you being my husband, and I appreciate the things you do, and I feel you need to know that, and that you need to know I love you. But honey, there's times when I feel like maybe you're not happy with some of the things I do. Could you please talk to me about your feelings, so we can have a better and stronger relationship?"

My husband and I have a relationship that whenever we see each other, we hug each other. I think that is really healthy for a marriage. Best wishes Elissa.
---Anne on 4/30/09

Even though my husband and I share a house, I always ask him, Honey can I put this there or can I put that there. It is out of respect that I ask him. If I put flowers or plant a tree in the yard, I think of him when he weed-eats or mows. The less he has to do outside, the more we can spend time together. Maybe you should ask him why some of his comments are negative. Maybe he doesn't know he is being negative. One key to a good marriage is communication. Have an open relationship. My husband knows me better than I know myself at times and vice versa. Sit down with him and talk, even if it takes all night.
---Rebecca_D on 4/30/09

Maybe your husband thought that hole in the back yard was for him.
---SusieB on 4/30/09

Perhaps, he is protecting that which is of most concern to him. The most valuable gift God gives a man (excluding salvation) is a wife. Read Proverbs 14:1.
If you do this: 1Corinthians 11:3-10, 13, 15-16, 14:34-35, Ephesians 5:22-24, 33, Colossians 3:18, 1Timothy 2:11-14, Titus 2:5, 1Peter 3:1-2, 5-6, and he does this: 1Corinthians 7:33, Ephesians 5:25-29, 31, 33, Colossians 3:19, 1Timothy 5:8, 1Peter 3:7, this resolves the situation.
p.s. (1) Don't uncover your husbands nakedness, but Galatians 6:1. 2) Pray. (3) Be kind, Ephesians 4:32. (4) All, get saved and trust in Jesus Christ. (5) Don't listen to the bitter folk, Jude 1:12, 2Peter 2:17.
p.p.s. Catherine on 4/30/09 This is his business.
---Glenn on 4/30/09

When a spouse has to evaluate everything you do and question you on it, my husband did the same thing to me. I soon found out he was insecure and wanted to control me and everything I did. Resentment was his underlying root. This all came out in counselling and it took hours and weeks of going to counselling for her, the counsellor to figure this out for us. He never changed and ended up beating me up for the last 8 months of our marriage. He found he couldn't control me anymore, so he began to beat me. I think your husband wants control, is he insecure? He may even resent you and this is how it's coming out...go to a counsellor and talk to him/her. Take him with you if he's willing to go. Figure it out through counselling.
---donna8365 on 4/30/09

I would suggest you sit down with him and ask him why he asks you so many questions. Is it that he feels you are doing things incorrectly? Is it that he thinks he is inviting conversation?

Try to get him to expound on what he is asking about. When he asked you why is there a hole in the back yard, perhaps he was concerned about you hitting underground lines or that the hole could cause him to fall.

Get him to talk in more than one sentence.
---Mark_Eaton on 4/30/09

* Tell him to mind his own business! You have a good day. Leave the door wide open when you go to bed tonight, and he will surely have something on you in the morning! This is my GOD!**

Your god might have told you to say that, but the real God didn't.
---katavasia on 4/30/09

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Many husbands don't even bother commenting on anything and their wives complain about no cmmunication. Either way, you need to convey this to your husband. You will never work this out until you do this. And try to do this in love. Didn't you notice this character trait in him before you married him? Or were you were more forgiving then than you are now?
---john on 4/30/09

It sounds like there are a lot of bear traps set for him to trip over. I can smell the Narcissicm from here on both sides of the equation. Unfortunately this sounds similar to my relationship and trust me that both parties are to blame. What helped us was doing less together and doing more with ministries and special projects. We became so busy helping others that we did not have time to focus on our differences. Our relationship and our ministries have significantly improved since we started focussing on others instead of ourselves.
---TIMOTHY on 4/30/09

Tell him to mind his own business! You have a good day. Leave the door wide open when you go to bed tonight, and he will surely have something on you in the morning! This is my GOD!
---catherine on 4/30/09

Sounds to me like your husband just retired. When I get up to go in another room, my husband will say, "Where ya going?" I finally said, "Honey! It's a small house. Watch me."
---SusieB on 4/29/09

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Were your husband to say, "The door was opened poorly. The hole should not be as deep....."

This would be "evaluating" what you do.

Sounds to me like he's just trying to understand you.

I wonder how many wives here would LOVE to hear their husbands say just once, "I like your hair that way."
---katavasia on 4/29/09

Sounds like someone in my family. Maybe he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? You know, this reminds me of how my husband would always ask me where I was going, and so eventually I started repeating his question when he would ask it, and he stopped. :-) Don't know how this would affect your husband, but yeah it was alittle annoying to me, because I would just get up to turn the fan on or something, and he'd be all, "Where are you going?"
---amand6348 on 4/29/09

I "might" be curious why there was a hole in the back yard. There are ladies who would love to have their husbands notice their hair and other things. And *if* the TV was left on, wasting electricity while no one is using it . . . . Yes, there are guys who notice what's going on, because they care and feel responsible to know. I myself, though, might test if my lady wants me to be checking up on her > she might like to have me take an interest in little things so we would have things to talk about. I've heard some women wish their men would be interested in talking about details of their lives. Each person is different, to be discovered.
---Bill_bila5659 on 4/29/09

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