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He Doesn't Love My Son

I am engaged to a man I have been with for four years. I have an 11 year old son from my previous marriage. My fiance doesn't love my son, and said he never will because my son isn't his. He's a decent and loving man to me, but to my son he is indifferent and "cold". What can I do?

Moderator - Move on, otherwise you are just looking for major trouble.

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 ---Brandy on 5/13/09
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What can you do? Nothing.

Obviously this man is yet to be saved and If you have, you are better off without him.
1Jo 4:12-No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.
1Jo 3:17-But whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels [of compassion] from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?
1Jo 4:20-If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
1Jo 2:4-He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments [to love], is a liar, and the truth is not in him.
---Josef on 5/16/09


So, Brandy,

To parrot-phrase those immortal words of my dear friend, Paul Harvey... What's the 'rest of the story'?

Has he clarified that he specifically means "he'll never love your son because he isn't his son"?

OR... are you possibly dealing with your reaction to his displeasure with your having made it clear that he will never have a son (or daughter) with you, except for the son you have, now?

BTW: What happened to end your first marriage?
---BruceB on 5/15/09


No "decent and loving man" acts this way. However, a controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive one does.
---SusieB on 5/15/09


good night
i am in the same situation as you, and trust me its been seven years, and it does not get better. your son will hate you instead of loving you, he will grow up thinking, his mom prefered his stepfather than me. i know you have needs, and i did also, and i prayed to the lord to make things work out and he will, its only the lord can help my friend he is the only one that can change situations, kneel and pray for your answer,cause it isnt easy when son graduates and does not invite mom but a stranger, it isnt easy when he prefers someone else to give him away to his bride
many of us dont think about the future, and am no exception, i am paying a high price today,a very high price,let the lord guide you my friend
---mikey on 5/15/09


Many people misunderstand what Love really is. Love isnt just ones emotional favor. There was a man that walk this earth long ago, and He tried hard to show us what Love really was. He loved a short tax collector that climbed a tree, He loved the woman of Samaria that was wed and divorced five times, He loved the lepers, He loved the demon possessed man of Gadara, and He loved an old sin sick boy from Texas. All of these were hard to love, but He loved them. In your writings you stated that your fiance was a decent and loving man. On the contrary I must disagree with you. There's no such thing as a decent and loving man, that doesnt love every 11 year old that walks this earth. My words are harsh and to the point, but what Ive stated is true.
---Toby on 5/15/09




He's a decent and loving man to me, but to my son he is indifferent and "cold". What can I do?

Ask him to stop behaving like an animal. Seriously there are animals that kill the young of which are not their own. It requires a truth of our humanity to love something in which we have no stake in.

But what is he saying? he's saying that he has no part with you. If we want to come to God we have to come through Christ, and so the Father and his son are inseparable, no beginning and no end to their oneness just like yourself and your boy. IN summation, if he's not decent and loving to your son he's not decent and loving to you...(see John 5:23)
---Pharisee on 5/15/09


Brandy, I have been married twice. My second wife had three children,I loved them all becuse they were her children.No normal man can say they love a woman and hate,or dislike her children.Well maybe they can not like what they do.I supported them all for nearly 15 years,until she left,and then her youngest daughter lived with me rather that her own mother.I have three daughters of my own,8 grandchildren,and 1 great grandson.My suggestion is move on and find a normal man,who knows what love is.
---tom2 on 5/14/09


He has had four years to love your son, four years to see the boy grow, and still doesn't love him. What about his father, does he love him? You married him, got a divorce, and now are with a man who does not love your son. Your ways that got you with the father and a divorce could be ways that have also gotten you with this man who does not love your son. I think if we have gotten a divorce, we need to find out what about *ourselves* got us married to someone we divorced, so we don't keep on in such ways. The Holy Spirit is "the Spirit of adoption" (Romans 8:15) who makes us lovingly adoptive of ones not our own kids. And Jesus loves us, so He did not pick and choose about what problems we have, He took us as is (o:
---Bill_bila5659 on 5/14/09


This reminds me of the men who are nice to their women, but mean to people like waiters, etc. (not comparing your son to a waiter, just saying)

The problem with accepting such as person is that you begin to wonder, when is my day coming? When is the day coming where he is going to be this mean to me? Let him go.
---amand6348 on 5/14/09


There is another point in this story. I was single for many years and met a couple of men whom I liked a lot. But, there children were brats, so I didn't let the relationships get serious. If this man doesn't love her son now, just think how much partiality he will show his own children over that boy.
---SusieB on 5/14/09




Brandy:

I can relate to how your fiance feels because I have been there myself. Us men find ourselves "torn" between loving a woman, but not wanting anything to do with her child. I have to confess that I wished that the woman's child didn't exist because they drove me "crazy".

I told her that because I wasn't able to love HER child as my OWN, it was "best" that we end our relationship. Sure, it hurt, but I felt that we did what was "best". We prayed and forgave each other for things like "leading each other on".

Unless EVERYONE in both families is open and loving of EVERYONE else, it is "best" to end the relationship and avoid future problems.
---Sag on 5/14/09


Brandy, it's good that he was honest and told you he doesn't love your son, and that I can understand....sometimes it is really hard to truly love another person's child, BUT to treat him cold and indifferant is another thing altogether. NOT GOOD. I'd say what everybody else says: move on.
---sue on 5/14/09


This man isn't a decent and loving man. If he was he would love your son. Your son should come first! You have stayed with a man who has told you he won't ever love your child and that was a big mistake,don't make it any worse for your child. Don't you know not loving a child when in a serious relationship with the mother is a form of abuse. Your son must wonder what is wrong with him,children often blame themselves for such things. Get rid of that man no matter how much you love him. If he isn't right for your child he shouldn't be right for you. It would be a mean,selfish act if you marry a man who won't love your child. You need to find a man who will be a good role model for your child,that man cetainly isn't one.
---Darlene_1 on 5/14/09


He sounds quite selfish & afraid that he will have toi share you with your son. But if he truly loved you, he would love your son.

It sounds as if he has not had a previous marriage himself, and certainly does not have his own children.

In a first marriage, compromises can worked out over a long period, and in the context of two people without other personal responsibilities

Can't be like that with a second marriage ... the compromises have to be worked at and made right at the start, and MUST take into account your family responsibilities.

PS HE seems quite determined on this issue since he "said he never will because my son isn't his"
---alan8566_of_UK on 5/14/09


Don't go there,

he is fair and honest, it's like marrying a football player after going down to the matches every week watching him play flirting, jesting having fun week in week out, doing everything surrounding his games that he plays, Get married and wonder how come he's always out playing sport? well that's how you met him and that's what you found him doing is it fair to ask him to stop just cos your now married and board with the chase?.

Is it fair to pressure this man into loving a child he said he wouldn't. Is it worth the trauma to your son who only wants a loving mother and father? You chose but chose wisely, your son will not see your point of view he's just not mature enough too!
---Carla3939 on 5/14/09


You will have to make a choice now. Don't get married and later find that it's not working.
---john on 5/13/09


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What a waste of four years...I feel sorry for your son that you have exposed him to such a man. Where are your priorities?
---Trish9863 on 5/13/09


I agree 100% with the Moderator. He must have some experience to add the recommendation to "Move on, otherwise you are just looking for major trouble". Counseling?

I am divorced and my situation is similar to yours.

Most people want to be loved and in a marriage relationship. This is both healthy and God's plan for us. Yes, marriage was God's plan. It wasn't invented by people. At the same time, we can't force other people to love us or any children that we might have. In order for a marriage to be successful, there must be complete, unconditional love and acceptance of EVERYONE involved. Adults and children.
---Augie on 5/13/09


Brandy...Why have you wasted four years of your life and your sons on this man?
---SusieB on 5/13/09


Your son is your priority right now. If your fiance cannot love your son now, you will have deeper problems when you get married. Kids pick up on when they are being rejected by someone. Later if you have children with your fiance, he will show partiality to his own kids and cause further rejection and hurt to your son. It is up to you to make the right decision for your son and yourself.
---naoma4745 on 5/13/09


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Like the moderator said, "move on" without him! If he really loves you, when this man looks at your son he should see you & love him too.

It's good you know this man's heart before you make the critical mistake of marrying him. He appears to be a very self-centered individual that'll in the long run do you & your son more evil than good.

By the way, are you a Christian? Sounds like your fiance most definitely isn't.
---Leon on 5/13/09


He had told you how he feels. The choice is now yours. Your son is top priority. Cut your losses and keep it moving. The moderator is correct. You and your son are headed for major trouble and heartache.
---pg1 on 5/13/09


I worked nursury at church while my boys were in other class. I tried to treat all the children as mine. In my second marriage I had the opposite problem. My stepson had two role models. Other than the way he addressed his mother we were cordial but a little strained. So My wife had to be buffer to peaceful interaction. So if your son has a relationship with a male and can recognize that this might be your husband and respect him. That you live at peace as much as you are able. So you prayerfully consider there might be tension but with you in the middle and open communication of course prayer you will make the right decision. All things work together for the good, when you follow after God.
Been there hard but doable with God's help
---Don on 5/13/09


Your fiance or your son, it is your choice! However if you truly believe that your son is a part of you and your fiance doesn't love him, then he truly doesn't love all of you either.
---TIMOTHY on 5/13/09


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