Are My Parents Too Protective
I'm 20, in college. My mother can't seem to trust my own decisions. Example, my boyfriend of 1.6 years is going on vacation with his family, I was invited and my mother told me that I was incapable of making these types of decisions until I'm 30. I've given her no reason to say no. What should I do?
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---Allison on 5/17/09
Helpful Blog Vote (2)
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well.parents are parents until they die.Lovingly explain too mom that you are over 18,then make your decisions,but remember only you are responsible for them to God,but mom still might not be happy,but thats life.My mom was antimate about my first wife,about me not marrying her. I did and it ended in divorce,but that was my choice. God has given all of us free will,but people to counsel us also,but again seeking counsel is a choice. |
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---tom2 on 6/21/09 |
The question is--where is the hurt in the relationship with your mama? First of all, affirm, despite her faults, you love her. Aparently you see yourself differently than she does. I would advise to obey her wishes. Many a time my mom was RIGHT and I did not listen. Mom is the one in authority. Honor thy father and mother. It will be well with thee.
However, should you choose to be married, then you must cleave to your husband and honor him. Do all this without complaining and you will be a strong woman. The "torture" of listening to Mom may be like the chains Paul suffered, but you can rejoice in them. Your obedience will be a witness to her. Tell her how much you love her and how grateful you are for her. |
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---Colette on 5/20/09 |
Trish...Yeah! Who will remember our bad decisions a hundred years from now anyway? |
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---SusieB on 5/20/09 |
SusieB: The other problem with never learning to make a decision on my own is not knowing how to deal with the realities of making wrong decisions. I used to be frozen in fear of making the wrong decision, because I never learned that if you make a wrong decision it sometimes is not the end of the world. |
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---Trish9863 on 5/19/09 |
Trish...I, too, was NEVER allowed to make any decisions on my own until I moved out of my parents house. This included how I dressed and how I wore my hair as well as who my friends could me. When parents do not raise their children to make good decisions growing up, they often make the wrong ones when they are able to make their own decisions. |
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---SusieB on 5/19/09 |
Bruce: Totally agree with you about the post, and it's possible inferences. I try, don't always succeed, to take a posted question at literal face value.
As you stated, where parents and children are concerned, there is usually a mom said/kid said, and then the truth somewhere in the middle.
I also was speaking with my own experience as a daughter as a frame of reference. I was never allowed to make any decisions at all, and moved out at 18 years old, and never looked back. Making decisions was extremely hard for me to do for many years because of never having learned to do so. |
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---Trish9863 on 5/18/09 |
Trish,
As you rightly point out, "the post says".
We know how difficult it is to present a response with a logical train of thought, within 125 words. I submit it is more difficult to do so when writing a question: and background is critical to an analysis of any problem.
Who knows the real situation? It could be that Allison is a spoiled brat and is just raggin' on mom (not that she is.) Can we be sure, "my mother told me that I was incapable of making these types of decisions until I'm 30", is an accurate statement? Could it be Allison's reaction?
I agree, in principle, with you. However, the application may or may not be apropos: and only more background can warrant such specific conclusions. |
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---BruceB on 5/18/09 |
SusieB .. You are quite right ... "If you live at home and your mother is supporting you and paying for your college, she has the right to set the rules at her house"
The important words are "at the house"
What you do outside the house is your choice, and she can only object if
You come home drunk
Behave badly at home
Come home drunk or pregnant
Don't pay her housekeeping
Don't do your share of keeping the house clean. |
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---alan8566_of_Uk on 5/18/09 |
Go on the trip, have fun, and tell Mom respectfully that it's your choice to make.
OK now folks who know me know I have a hang up with the whole "boyfriend" thing. For your own good, obey God please. |
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---Pharisee on 5/17/09 |
Allison...You should make your own decisions if you are supporting yourself 100% financially. If you live at home and your mother is supporting you and paying for your college, she has the right to set the rules at her house. Waiting until 30 to start making decisions is a little late. As far as this vacation, you have not told us enough about it to make an educated opinion. What are the sleeping arrangements? Where are you going? If you do decide to go, where will you live when you get back if your mother doesn't let you come back home? |
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---SusieB on 5/17/09 |
Bruce: I agree that if a parent is paying the bills, there should be some level of input. However, the post says that Mom believes the young lady is incapable of making such decisions till she is 30. Being capable of making a decision is something that should be developed from a young age. Adolescence and young adulthood are the stages where developing emotional independence should be done. Mom should be encouraging that, not just setting an arbitrary age at which this young lady can start making decisions on her own. |
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---Trish9863 on 5/17/09 |
Allison,
If she's paying the bills, she has a reasonable expectation of some degree of control over your life... unless she's handed you, say, $50 grand and said, "Have a good time." Then it's party time (figuratively speaking.)
I suspect, also, that she claims you as a "dependent" on her tax returns. The operative word is "dependent". The only way a child can be "independent" of any parent(s), is to leave home and pay their own bills. At that point you can say, "Mom, I pay the bills--I make the decisions." It does work, ya know.
Of course, if you're waitin' around until you're "30" to do this, you'll still be waitin' when you're 40, or 50, perhaps, even 75. |
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---BruceB on 5/17/09 |
You are an adult, you should be making your own decisions. I am sure your Mother means well, but she can not live your life for you. I do agree that you should not go anywhere with your boyfriend where there is a better chance of getting into something that should only be shared between Married couples. And tho you may think you are strong, you may not be. But back the the question.. As long as it has nothing to do with your mother and college, I say its up to you and not her. I am a Mother of 7, so its not like I am talking about something I know nothing about, just so you know. |
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---a_friend on 5/17/09 |
It would be ridiculous for her to try to control you till you are 30 ... and it would cripple your development as a person.
As to this holiday,
You don't say how deep yuor relationship with him is, but if it is chaste, you might find he wants to use this holiday to push for it to become deeper ... and more dangerous. And it is possible that his parents would go along with that.
Take advice, including yuor mother's, pray, consider the possible problems... and make up your own mind. |
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---alan8566_of_UK on 5/17/09 |
You are perfectly capable of making such decisions. You should be making more and more such decisions on your own as you progress in college. By not encouraging you to make such decisions, your mom is keeping you emotionally dependent upon her.
Have a talk with Mom and assure her that you appreciate her concern for you, and that you are going to be making more decisions as you complete college.
My daughter was 24 when she got engaged and moved halfway across country to live. |
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---Trish9863 on 5/17/09 |
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