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Divorce My Busy Husband

I'm 23 years I got married at 21. I have two kids. My husband put church and others before me and I want to leave my husband to find happiness, am I wrong? Will god be disappointed being that neither of us were unfaithful?

Moderator - Yes you are wrong and yes God would be disappointed in a divorce. Get marriage counseling not divorce.

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you have no biblical grounds for divorce.Your joy is in the lord,not your husband,and yes you are wrong.
---tom2 on 9/3/09


Ralph...I knew him for six years prior to getting married. We attended the same church and socialized a lot with the church and worked in the church together. I knew his family for that same length of time. I was quite shocked to realize that he was almost illiterate when we got married.
---KarenD on 8/8/09


KarenD, did you actually know your husband before you married him? It almost sounds like you were in a pre-arranged situation and had no idea what you were getting into.
---ralph7477 on 8/8/09


Marriage can be hard! That doesn't mean it's time to give up on it. Be a Christian wife and mother. Is the local congregation not important to you, too? The moderator is right...get counseling. You also have 2 kids. Give them the gift of a whole home. Your husband doesn't sound like a jerk...it seems like he is just not paying as much attention to you as you'd like. Get his attention.
---Todd on 8/7/09


Glenn....How about this one? On our honeymoon I said to my husband, "Til death do us part." His answer was that scripture could be interpreted to mean when love dies.
---KarenD on 8/7/09




KarenD:
It would be improper to judge this situation without hearing from your husband, but read Proverbs 14:1. It is wrong for a man to violate 1Corinthians 7:33, Colossians 3:19, 1Peter 3:7. Yet, 1Corinthians 7:2-5 specifically covers your situation. And "except it be with consent for a time" is often said to be no more than a day. Your three options are to pray in submission to the Lord, get true Christian counseling, and rebuke him before the Church. The last would be a rare thing. Although, it has been used against he who, like Onan, refused to impregnate his wife, Genesis 38:8-10.
Note: Rancor and rebellion hurt romance, Deuteronomy 31:27, Isaiah 1:5, 63:10 / Proverbs 21:9, 19, 25:24.
---Glenn on 8/7/09


Karen, I am sooo sorry! :( Your husband truly needs to learn what "head of household" means--it does NOT mean stepping on the other person! :( Jesus would NEVER treat you like that.
---Mary on 8/6/09


Glenn...My husband is the head of our household. He controls every aspect of it right down to what I wear and how I dress. This includes "how" we are intimate. My needs are irrelevant.
---KarenD on 8/4/09


hmmm, I feel for you, but at the same time, i just need to ask the obvious question, have you talked to your husband about the way you are feeling? or have you just prayed to God for the situation to change? God can move mountains, yes, but we still need to put the effort into our relationships if they are to succeed. It will be wrong for you to leave your husband, yes, and the consequences are not worth the divorce. I grew up in a divorced home, and believe me, its not the adults who go through the most pain, in the end the children deal with the most grief of the divorce.
---nicole on 8/4/09


Hi Glenn, to a point I actually agree with you but not your attitude towards women. Like I said in another blog, women might as well trim men's toenails with their feet: in other words, get down as low as they can go in self-worth and you call us "Jezebels" if we are not that way, you can really hurt a woman and my attitude is not sin to feel that way. I'm soooo grateful my boyfriend is both God-loving and loves and respects women, me in particular lol!
---Mary on 8/4/09




Mary:
A persons is of value when he, or she, submits to the Lord (in all things), and does so with a willing (good) heart. To do the Lords will, yet with rancor, or only for your own benefit, is without esteem. Isaiah 1:11-13, Mark 12:29-33, Romans 12:1, Hebrews 11:4, 13:15-16.
KarenD:
If you read and do Song of Solomon 6:9, Proverbs 31:10-31, 1Corinthians 7:13, it would make it difficult to ignore you. Also, Proverbs 14:1. "Stop trying to control" is man speak for stop trying to control, you are not in charge. In marriage, someone is always the boss. Properly, it is God, husband, wife, children, Ephesians 5:21, 1Peter 1:14.
---Glenn on 8/3/09


Thanks Mary. When I do try to tell my husband what I need intimately, he says, "Stop trying to control."
---KarenD on 7/30/09


Hi KarenD, I am sooo sorry for your pain, I truly admire and respect your resolve to stay married. May God heal your marriage and bless it beyond compare!
---Mary on 7/29/09


Mary....Glenn may not know what it is to be a neglected wife, but I do. My husband is only interested in me about once a week for about fifteen minutes. But, that is still no excuse for me to leave him. My committment is to God for this marriage before it is to my husband. God would be disappointed in me if I left my husband. I continue to pray for him and will let God change him.
---KarenD on 7/29/09


Glenn, as you are a very chauvenist male, you have no clue what it's like to be a neglected wife--seriously. Not to be insulting but it's just true--it's just the way you are. And incase you're wondering, I have given control of a couple of really major issues in my relationship with my boyfriend over to him and given him the RESPONSIBILITY to do right before God. Neither of us is "boss" but we respect each other. I wish you could see that women are of worth too!
---Mary on 7/28/09


Traditionally, children get/establish their identity from TWO parents.



I grew up in a "daze" and could not properly relate to life because my subconscious knew that since my parents ultimately divorced, technically, I shouldn't have been born (they should never have married).

After seeing a news report about abortion, my mother asked me "Aren't you glad I didn't have an abortion when I was pregnant with you?". I thought it was a silly question because if she had an abortion, I simply wouldn't exist. I wasn't so inconsiderate as to tell her the truth and say "Actually, I would have preferred the abortion".

My "compassion"/sorrow is for the children of the world, not the parents.
---more_excellent_way on 7/28/09


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If you do this: 1Corinthians 11:3-10, 13, 15-16, 14:(33), 34-35, (36-38), Ephesians 5:22-24, 33, Colossians 3:18, 1Timothy 2:11-14, (8-15), Titus 2:5, 1Peter 3:1-2, 5-6, and he does this: 1Corinthians 7:33, Ephesians 5:25-29, 31, 33, Colossians 3:19, 1Timothy 5:8, 1Peter 3:7, this resolves the situation.
Consider Genesis 2:23, 3:16 (Genesis 4:7), Proverbs 14:1, Galatians 5:14, 1Timothy 5:13-14, 2Timothy 3:6-7, 1Peter 1:14.
p.s. All, get saved and trust in Jesus Christ, don't uncover your husbands nakedness, submit to your husband, pray for help and wisdom, and grow up. A hundred common polished granite bloggers: "Why can't I be the boss". A rare and valuable jewel: Titus 2:3-5.
---Glenn on 7/27/09


The moderator gave a good answer. Divorce is very grievous in the eyes of the Lord as we read in scripture. Marriage takes so much patience, love, and respect for both the husband and the wife. It involves taming the tongue, and being ever so careful in what we say and do. Please talk to your husband and express your feelings, and try to work out a system of compromise where you can all live together in peace and harmony and share in your works for the Lord together.

What works in my marriage is lots of love, respect, and consideration. Plus taking the time to spend special moments together such as having coffee together and conversations. My husband and I hug whenever we see each other. May God bless you and best wishes.
---Anne on 7/27/09


There's only ONE place to find happiness and that's in the Presence of the Lord Jesus.

Connect with Him, fall in love with Jesus and you will find another world/realm that God will pour out HIS love upon you, in you and through you so that you can have a very close and intimate relationship with Him.

Once God has your heart, He'll give you the desires of YOUR heart. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and ALL these things will be added unto you. Matthew 6:33.
---anon on 7/27/09


Hi everyone--and especially moreexcellent way--I'd just like to offer some compassion for this woman although yes, she does have the wrong idea of what to do. BUT I have been in her shoes and they are dang lonely shoes to walk in!! A man isn't supposed to starve his family for love and affection, not even a minister. There's something wrong with that too. So please, balance your criticism with compassion, can you?
---Mary on 7/27/09


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I have been comtemplating the same thing but not for the reasons you are. If you can get your husband to be willing to seek counselling with you, it would be wonderful. I have been prayerful for years now, and God has enabled me to have the strength to endure through my tears and pain. He will give you the strength that you need. You are young,sometimes you just have to cry out to God for help. If a person is presented with the knowledge of how you feel, and is truely a "christian man " I beleive he will be concerned and want deeply to do something to secure his marriage. Pray for your husband,that God will help him to see your needs.
---Jamari on 7/26/09


Yes you will be wrong in divorcing your husband. I can tell you from experience that divorce is the beginning of a way of life and thinking that if someone does not make me happy I will just get out of it and find someone else. Your happiness does not lie within your husband. I would reconsider and first tell him how you feel. If he does not listen to you then ask for counseling for the two of you. Do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. I can assure you the next person will have flaws as well, and I can also tell you that you should consider your childrens future. Children grow into more stable secure adults when raised by both parents. Again I want to stress that divorcing your husband is not the answer.
---Cheryl on 7/26/09


Is your husband the father of the two kids?
---ralph7477 on 7/25/09


There's really more than one issue here that needs to addressed, but instead of addressing them separately, you're lumping them altogether.

It's true that he's worshipping in the "church of man" (maybe you'll get him to understand that some day, but first YOU have to believe it, learn the "DEPTHS of God", 1 Corin. 2:10).

The partisan protocol/gestures taught in the church of man are detrimental to all human thought and interaction/relationships (this is not God's will).

Another point is that if you have to "SEARCH" for true happiness, you will never find it,...because it can only be found in the final ACCEPTANCE of what you have in life (primadonnas never find "happiness"/contentment).
---more_excellent_way on 7/25/09


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Gary, Would you agree that Bible study is something that a new Christian needs a small group to work with that can discuss pitfalls in interpretations? ...stephen on 7/24/09

Yes, I do agree that a small group is usually best for a new Christian. It was actually friends of mine that got me started when I became a Christian. Although I later disagreed with some of what they taught me, it got me going, and gave me something to start from.
---Gary on 7/25/09


happiness is a state of mind,and a state of gratifying the flesh.The joy of the lord is spiritual.The things that make you happy,change by the second,the joy of the lord is a life long committment involving faith in God.If you think attention is lacking tell him straight out.But walking away is not the answer.Believe me the grass ain,t greener on the other side,its still green.
---tom2 on 7/25/09


Amen Moderator!

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, a Christian marriage counselor, is an awesome book. You can get it in audio CD or MP3 as well.

There are extreme stories of marriages in trouble that mend. People who describe feeling very lonely and unloved have found the love they desperately needed and were blessed.

I wish I had read this book years ago. I think it would be excellent for single people too. This book is so worth the time and money. I have given it out to many of my friends.
---SuzieH on 7/24/09


While he is busy, you can pray and get with God in His peace and goodness, then see how He has things, by then. od has trusted you with these children. Be appreciative of all you *do* have. And build on this, with God.

However, it is your husband's responsibility to provide for the family . . . including his example, with you, of how you two relate, so your children can learn from how you love, so they can know how to relate for marriage and other close relationships, not be brought up by TV and a pile of toys and peer influence.

1 Timothy 3:1-10 shows me a man needs to first learn, at home, how to care for people in a family way, so he then can be trusted with "care of the church of God."
---Bill_bila5659 on 7/24/09


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You are wrong! If you leave your husband to "find happiness" you will be looking for it the rest of your life. You will start a pattern of walking away from relationships if they don't make "YOU" happy.
---SusieB on 7/24/09


Gary, Would you agree that Bible study is something that a new Christian needs a small group to work with that can discuss pitfalls in interpretations?

I don't mean the obscure one-liners, but the historical facts as known as history can be known, but together with concepts and themes in the Bible.
---stephen on 7/24/09


Love God first.

Love all else second.

Will you find happiness in the afterlife by divorcing?

Think to yourself, do you have the holy spirit?
---stephen on 7/24/09


Good advice from the moderator and Gary.
The challenge will be getting some "good" Christian counseling. I went to a church once which would have been happy to have my wife come without me. Church is not necessarily a good place to get advice. How about finding a mature Christian couple who has a good marriage and ask them for advice. As I write, I am struck by the challenge of what to say for suggestions, in this short space and without feedback. Perhaps a simple question to the husband such as, what is important to you about the church activities? asked without judgement. Does he know how you feel? Tell him how you feel, without judgement. Be curious about what is important to him.
---Rod on 7/24/09


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If you mean the word "church" to mean a local congregation, then he is NOT putting God first, he is putting man-made local church functions first. Church goers are confused and think they are putting God first by spending so much time at the local church. The fact is, going to church and church functions has little if anything to do with a relationship with God. I've known marriages to break-up because one spouse is always at church doing something. Your husband needs to distinguish between religion and God. It's like those who actually think they are giving to God when they give to their local church. That is not biblical. Maybe you can have quality bible study at home, together, as a family.
---Gary on 7/24/09


Of course God wouldn't approve of divorce, but there is something else that needs consideration.

1) your complaint doesn't state that he's irresponsible and you're living in poverty (do you care at all that he is a good provider for you and TWO KIDS?)

2) you're jealous that he loves God?...TELL JESUS.

3) you've been married for TWO YEARS and have TWO KIDS (you wasted no time in getting what YOU want and now nothing else matters,...incredibly selfish).

4) this is a RECESSION and you've decided that your own comfort is the most important consideration (are you concerned that the kids have a comfortable childhood?).

The wife's love devotion to the husband should resemble our love devotion to Jesus in humility.
---more_excellent_way on 7/24/09


Yes,you are wrong.He is to put God first before you,then you come second after God.The same goes for you.You put God first,then your husband second.If your husband is a pastor,deacon,or holds a office or job in the church,that may be the reason.And as his wife,you are to understand that,be supportive,even help him if you can.But he needs to make some time for you and the kids also.Sounds like from what you say,you rather get a divorce than try counseling.Try Counseling first and talk to him about it as well.Maybe you both need to read the 5 love languges book,by Dr.Gary Chapman,and watch and read the fireproof movie and book.That will help you both.
---angea on 7/24/09


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