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Online Emotional Affair

I had an 'emotional' affair with someone online whom I never met. Wondering if I should tell my husband or move on and speak to counselor. I want to do what is right and want to deal with the issues that brought me to search online, where I never thought I would go but it will devastate him.

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 ---Tracy on 7/31/09
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Hi! I know this post may be almost 2 years old but I am sure it is still happening today. I know because it recently happened to me and my wife. My wife didn't tell me about it primarily because she thought she wasn't doing anything wrong. But I found out about it and I was hurt. We're thankful to God that we were able to deal with it and heal our relationship. Without his grace and choosing to rely by faith on his grace, we would have broken up. All in all we decided to keep the gloves on.
---Red on 1/15/11


An 'emotional affair'... It seems the norm this hour. A young lady 33 years ago heard a message I brought to her church. Recently I received a letter from her declaring anger toward me over that message. Torment nearly strangled this poor soul. Did she do the right thing by telling me? Well, the other side of this equasion is me. Today I am left knowing this distaste. Her letter merited this response... "If the Lord forgave you of this thing, so do I." If 33 years past she could have realized this sin was against God, not me, taking to heart I John 1:9, she would have been spared unimaginable torment, and a good friend's knowledge of this thing I should have never been privy to.
---Eduardo on 10/8/09


I am encouraged to hear that you not only want to be honest with your husband, but you are willing to seek counseling and deal with the issues that led to the wayward behavior. These are positive signs that show you love your husband and you are willing to do what it takes to compensate for your wrong choices and build a strong marriage. You must understand, however, that your husband may be greatly hurt. He may want to know details that will hurt him even more but must be revealed so there are no lingering unanswered questions. And he will need time to heal. Both of you will will also need support from a close friend or pastor. To encourage you and keep you accountable to one another. May God Bless You!
---grace on 9/8/09


Tracy,bless your heart I know you want to do whatever needed to save your relationship with your husband. I admire your courage. My hearts desire for you is that you can begin anew with your husband and be healed. I just must say this pray really hard on how you tell him,and you may have already,then begin by admitting to him you have been suffering from an addiction,which you hate and want help getting completely over it. It's easier to forgive a sickness than a sin. Then tell him what you have done,don't ever say anything such as I know you're going to be hurt,don't tell him how you think he will feel,even if you're right. That sets people up to act the way you expect from them. I only want to help you and my prayers are with you. God Bless
---Darlene_1 on 8/9/09


Darlene, I do understand how feeling anxious is a selfish reason, however, that is small compared to all of my other reasons. Both of Wayne's replys expressed much of how I feel but I have a difficult time putting it into words like he has done so well. Complete truthfulness, open communication, dealing with our issues that 'brought' me to that sin, uniting in God's love together to overcome our issues...those are many other bigger reasons. I think the anxiety is there now because I know I am going to tell him soon. I don't want there to always be this big secret between us. Thank you for your replys.
---Tracy on 8/8/09




Thank you Wayne for your replys. I do pray about it and am praying even more. I appreciate both of your replys and they have really helped me a lot. 'Required' is a weird way to put it, I know. I just wanted to do what was right as a Christian because if I had decided not to tell my husband I didn't want that to be another sin. Now I am trying to listen to God after I pray and wait on him. Thank you for understanding why one would write on here even when they know what to do but need other voices and thoughts to help them through it.
---Tracy on 8/8/09


I am curious to the concept, "If you are required to tell him." What's that about? Very little is required of believers, except to love the Lord their God with all their heart, and their neighbor as themselves.
People tend to want "answers," but I suggest to follow Christ, and He will give you your answer. He wants a relationship with each of us.
I wonder if your reaction to this "required" isn't some kind of rebellion, and it may have been that spirit that created the problem in the first place. Humble ourselves, and He will lift us up.
I am just suggesting, not judging.
---Rod on 8/8/09


Tracy,
In days past an infection got me so that the first schedule of antibiotics could not eradicate it. My faith assured me all would be fine on revisiting the doctor, but in casual conversation with my Mother who lives many miles away, I told her. The stress on her was immense! I will not do that again.
Ecclesiastes 7:16-18: "Be not righteous over much, neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself? Be not over much wicked, neither be thou foolish: why shouldest thou die before thy time? It is good that thou shouldest take hold of this, yea, also from this withdraw not thine hand: for he that feareth God shall come forth of them all."
---Nana on 8/8/09


Nana, I do not have it so tightly under control. Yes I want to tell my husband but I wanted to know if I am 'required' to according to God's word. I was hesitant to because I did not want to devastate him but I need to be honest so we can hopefully work through it together as one and come out closer together. Also, it would be worse if he found out another way down the road. I want no secrets/lies between us.
---Tracy on 8/7/09


Sometimes even when we know what we should do, we wonder, and I am so glad that some are not afraid to ask the questions here at CN and to look for and listen to principles that are shared from God's word. Often even when we have made a decision on what we should do, it gives us the push we need to follow through when we see that others see and understand the principle of right also. It is so great to know that He gives us the spirit of freedom, of peace, of righteousness, and of love. As far as confessing for selfish reasons, how is that? Confession allows us to be one, allows us to be at peace, gives us freedom, and unites us in His love--even if the other were to have a problem, Christ is to be first.
---wayne8738 on 8/7/09




Dear Tracy, if you are still available to read this, i urge you to encourage yourself in the Lord and be strong. You are loved by Him dearly and this is not sympathy. Jesus said, "he who is without sin should cast the first stone". Until you are completely healed and restored you are not in the best position to discern what your husband may or may not understand. Remember, you are not under any condemnation, once you truly repent God has forgiven you. Close that door, rejoice and wait on Him. Pastor Richie
---Pastor_Annan on 8/7/09


Tracy my prayers are with you. I hope you are praying really hard before you tell your husband anything. Think about what you said and then examine yout motives. You said your telling him isn't selfish and yet you said "I cannot keep this secret from my husband. It gives me anxiety every time we are close,everytime he does something for me." The motive for telling is because of your feeling anxious,and that is a selfish motive. Anytime anyone tells a secret to relieve emotional tumoil in themselves,it is for their own good,to help themselves,to remove guilt. To justify telling and hurting him you say he wants to know and told you to always tell him,and not keep him in the dark. Even though he wants to know it won't hurt any less.
---Darlene_1 on 8/7/09


Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you might be healed.
Hide it from your husband, I don't think so. He'll know something is up. For example, you said when you are close to him you feel anxiety, he'll know something is up, he just won't know exactly what.
Let go and let God.
The idea of concealing a matter has to do with not being a gossip, not concealing things in a marriage such as mentioned here.
God is bigger than our problems.
Apparently, you want to tell your husband or we won't be here discussing it. You want to, but are afraid. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but power,love, and of a sound mind.
---Rod on 8/7/09


IN response to Tracy, why did you include us in a thing you so tightly have under control? You came here "Wondering". Over and out from me and I do hope everybody else would now leave you in peace to your own devices.
---Nana on 8/6/09


IN response to the last or 2nd to last reply. I am not just telling my husband to ease my guilt. That is between God and I and I have repented. I cannot have this secret from my husband. It gives me anxiety every time we are close, every time he does something for me. He has said before that he would always rather know about something like this then be left in the dark. If it doesn't break us, it will make us stronger and closer. I never said or thought I would tell him for selfish reasons.
---Tracy on 8/6/09


The answer on 8/5/09 is actually from me, Darlene 1,evidently I missed putting on the 1 after Darlene ,sorry.
---Darlene_1 on 8/5/09


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You must tell your husband no matter what the outcome may be. Yes, I would seek a counselor so that you can talk about your issues while dealing with the affair.!
---Michelle on 8/5/09


If you tell your husband it may ease your guilt but it will hurt him badly. You did a very selfish thing in partaking of that evil,another evil would be to tell him and hurt him just to ease your guilt. Proverbs 12:23 A prudent man concealeth knowledge:but the heart of fools proclaineth foolishness. If you do the right thing you will go to God,tell him you repent of your evil sin,ask God for forgiveness,not your husband,and start with a clean slate between you and God. After you have truely repented put it away. Proverbs 11:13 A talebearer revealeth sevrets:but he who is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter. Never tell anyone,take that secret to your grave. Stay close to God and your husband and you won't be tempted.
---Darlene on 8/5/09


Ecclesiastes 7:21-22: "Also take no heed unto all words that are spoken, lest thou hear thy servant curse thee: For oftentimes also thine own heart knoweth that thou thyself likewise hast cursed others."

Do we also go to each and every one of them we have in our heart cursed and despised? all that God requires is that we be honest with ourselves first and be ready to move on. If we were that honest, we may have to go and live in the moon. We would have worn out our welcome. Our brothers and sisters and husbands and wives are just like us, and we all need mercy coming and going.
---Nana on 8/4/09


Tell your husband, because only by communicating these issues can they be resolved. If you can't resolve the issues that made it more tempting for you to do this, you will probably do this again.
---amand6348 on 8/1/09


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Dear Tracy, please make telling your husband a matter of prayer. Would it be better for you to confess to him (since you definitely sinned against him too) or better to keep him in the dark with the very real possibility that he will find out anyway from someone else? I believe that complete truthfulness and open communication between the two of you will result in drawing the cords of your union closer and stronger, because the two of you being one can address and face this together, uniting in seeking God, giving your husband the opportunity to intercede with you for grace and strength. The two of you are then truly one. To keep him in the dark in some ways robs him of the opportunity to be the true husband God designs that he be to you.
---Wayne8738 on 8/1/09


So you committed adultery. You need to repent and ask for forgiveness. I'm not saying you must tell your husband, but you need to repent.
---stephen on 8/1/09


Hi, Tracy . . . well, first of all, I'd say you need to trust God to make you faithful to Him, so that emotionally you are "without complaining and disputing" (Philippians 2:14-16), and "content with such things as you have" (Hebrews 13:5), "giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ," (see Ephesians 5:15-21). Anything emotionally otherwise is not being faithful to our Groom Jesus.

If your husband can become so "devastated", I'd consider maybe he needs to become deeper, emotionally with Jesus, who makes us ready to forgive things like this, like Jesus does > Ephesians 4:31-32.
---Bill_bila5659 on 8/1/09


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