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Lack Of Physical And Emotions

I am a newlywed and I am deeply saddened by the lack of physical and emotional support I get from my husband. He seems to have no idea how to make me feel special, loved, or "turned-on". I sent him an email with instructions. *laughs* What more can I do?

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 ---Christy on 8/2/09
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Go to our Father and talk to Him about it. Also, let your husband know what you like and what kind of marriage you want to have, but do not badger him to change. Instead, change the way that you look at the situation. Does he treat you well? Value your thoughts? Provide for your household? Support your dreams? Focus on all of these things while letting him know how much he is appreciated. A perfect marriage isn't automatic, but it takes work, prayer and change (on both the part of both spouses). It may help you, too, to stop "wanting" him to change (which further contributes to your discomfort), but accept him as he is right now and trust God to develop you both into spouses that are a perfect fit for each other. Be patient and kind!
---AlwaysOn on 10/31/09

Do u make him feel special & loved too? If you do so with his interest in your heart, he will respond & you will be surprised. Also make sure you are not the one turning him OFF. Lies, cleverness(craftiness), hiding things that should not be hidden, thinking of many other things/places when you are close & intimate, much closeness to some other persons of the opposite sex, are part of things that can turn OFF a spouse.
---Adetunji on 10/30/09

I understand. My spouse has issues with intamacy. He is godfearing, but lacks love. He believes that we are incapible of loving. So, God instructs us how. It is very difficult to be in a marriage like that. God is able to sustain any marriage.I have faith that if I spend time studing with him, we both will understand how important a husbands role is. He must love the wife. Charishing and nurturing her in the things of God as Christ did the Church. He must offer himself as a sacrifice as did Christ. This doesn't mean catering to the wife, but he must be compassionate, merciful and considerate of her needs. Even if they are fleshly. But it should be within the guidelines of the word of God. Study constantly Eph 5,
I Peter, and Titus.
---Henny on 8/13/09

Christy, I echo Bill, Nicole, and Glenn's post. The rest of the posters has also presented you with excellent advice and pertinent questions for you to consider.
Personally I am unmarried, therefore my thoughts may be irrelevant to you, however I will share them anyway:o)
Encouragement and participation is the key. Encourage, as in inspiring with confidence and stimulating by assistance and approval, before, during, and after making love. Which I sense you are truly referring to in your inquiry. Show sincere appreciation for that which he does for you, even the small things. If he feels he is pleasing to you, he will work even harder to please and to pleasure you more.
---Josef on 8/10/09

If someone has past immoral experience before getting married, I'd think you would not want to bring your Christian spouse into doing what you learned to like while living for Satan. Instead, be discovering how to be pleasing to God, together, and discover what you enjoy as one, together . . . not to "recycle" interests and pleasures you used to like as someone more on your own and *using* people. But now you are *one* in love, not so independent. In order to win Jesus > "forgetting those things which are behind" (Philippians 3:13). And in getting closer to each other . . . same basic thing > God will bring us to new and better interests and enjoyments > 2 Corinthians 6:12 > Proverbs 8:11.
---Bill_bila5659 on 8/6/09

hey hun, i truly feel for you. K, the first thing i have to ask you is: have you talked in person with your husband about the way you are feeling? when i was in marriage counselling, the first thing the minister told us to do when we start to get intimate after the wedding was to show one another how much we love each other by taking each others hands and showing one another what we like. Tell him how much you love him, and dont just tell him how you want to be caressed, show him. Have you ever prayed with your husband while being intimate? i think you should, i believe this will help you greatly, your bodies are now one temple with one another, and this is the time to praise God together, believe me, prayer helps in all situations!
---nicole on 8/5/09

If you both kept yourselves pure before the wedding, it is very possible that neither of you have adjusted to the fact that you are now married. Since you have been holding yourselves back until the wedding, it will take some time. HOWEVER, if your husband is the only one without experience, that may be the problem. Why would you not tell him verbally instead of sending an email? Is that how your relationship has grown prior to the marriage? Perhaps that is the problem. You need to get to know each other better.
---SusieB on 8/5/09

Show him what you need from him. Set the example, talk to him and find out what has changed from the time y'all where dating and getting married. Also read 1st Corinthians chapters 7 & 13 and cross reference them out so that JESUS can help your marriage. Most of all make time for y'all chat,walk,what ever turns y'all towards each other...TRUST IN JESUS is a must!!!!!!
---Robert on 8/5/09

I am sorry to sound harsh but as a newlywed, did you not know these things about your husband before the marriage? Did you not laugh, walk holding hands, go out to theaters, dinners talk on the phone. In other words you did not feel loved or "turned-on" before?
---BB on 8/4/09

BOTH you, and your husband, should read the following book:

"His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage" by Willard F. Harley Jr.

After reading this book, I recommend that you BOTH see a counselor to discuss the book and your marriage. A third set of eyes can really help you and your husband to see what you need to see.

Marriage is for life. God doesn't want your marriage to end.

Or, maybe the Moderator can recommend other good resources that might be helpful.
---Augie on 8/4/09

Marriage counseling?

If the person doesn't understand how to act like a Christian, then it just won't work with counseling.
---stephen on 8/4/09

"lack of physical and emotional support" > I'd think giving such support would be one of the basic enjoyments I'd have with a lady of Jesus, if God trusted me with one. But I think she would need to be strong in the Lord so she would always be ready to stand on her own two feet, in case something happened to me or I fell apart somehow. But if you are a Christian who trusted God about who to marry > and you are saddened that he has need. Well, if he does not know what he is doing, he possibly does not even realize this, and you are his helper to help him. This could mean he has been moral, before you . . . nothing wrong with this. I would be clueless, because only God can know how to have me love.
---Bill_bila5659 on 8/4/09

Your question uncovers your husbands nakedness, and shows a lack of discretion, Proverbs 31:26, Ephesians 4:32. The verse that might apply is 1Cornthians 7:2-5, but please read Genesis 2:18-25, Proverbs 14:1, 1Peter 5:7. His job is to protect you, to teach you, and to love you, not to meet all your presupposed needs, especially those which are to be fulfilled through ones relationship with the Lord *1. Yours is to respect him, and to be his helpmate *2.
p.s. Titus 3:2-5.
*1 1Corinthians 7:33, Ephesians 5:25-29, 31, 33, Colossians 3:19, 1Timothy 5:8, 1Peter 3:7.
*2 1Corinthians 11:3-10, 13, 15-16, 14:34-35, Ephesians 5:22-24, 33, Colossians 3:18, 1Timothy 2:11-14, Titus 2:5, 1Peter 3:1-2, 5-6.
---Glenn on 8/3/09

Maybe your husband feels unloved because he realizes that he has failed to please you. You will have to understand (just as he had to) that you are impossible to please (he is in a hopeless situation).

This is the same as trying to have a PERSONAL two way relationship with God by viewing the bible as an "instruction" book.

Your husband realizes that your heart's desire is simply that he be obedient and "measure up" to your standards (where is the love in that??).
---more_excellent_way on 8/3/09

That happened to me also and I am a Christian, dedicated to the Lord, and I stayed in the marriage for 5 years because I wanted it to work.

So what I did was everything to please my husband thinking he would respond and do the same for me - it didn't work. We ended up divorced but because of other VERY SERIOUS REASONS (Domestic Violence).

After that, I thought about it and because he didn't ask, how can I please you? and do you need a hug? etc., I decided in my next relationship, I would discuss, in length, what a marriage is all about- it's both people responding in love to one another, doing for one another, it's not all one-sided, Oh please me and I'll be happy type of thing.
---anon on 8/3/09

Maybe it is time for you to sit down and tell him what you have told us and more.
Do you really know what you want and need? Talk about it then talk about it some more.
Since you two are married experiment and learn each others needs. Maybe he is scared and needs your encouragement. Maybe he thinks things are fine.
---Elder on 8/3/09

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I would suggest try to go to counselling.But i would suggest you both read the 5 love languages book by dr.gary chapman.It is a good book,and he gives examples of situations,some like yours,some alot worse.We all have a different love language,and when one of us or both of us are not speaking each others love language,the other person doesn't feel loved so much.Also watch the fireproof movie,and read the fireproof book too.And do alot of praying and letting the lord lead in it.And try to talk to him and discuss this with him.He may not realize he is making you feel that way,and also listen to what he has to say about it too.
---angea on 8/3/09

This may sound like old Christian advice, but show him how you want to be loved. What better way to help him to understand than to demonstrate towards him what you want? If you have been doing so, just keep doing so, be persistent.
---amand6348 on 8/3/09

I had a flame, once, and I liked her a lot, but then she started acting like she was getting instructions from someone else, which could mean I was, through her, in fact "now" relating with her *pastor*, for all I knew > and I was not exactly interested in relating with a man, through a woman, to say the least, or with anyone else. I'd say, keep it you and him (o:

But I am curious > how to you feel, that you married him? Did you ignore things that now would have you not marry him, or are there things you value enough to know you are fortunate to be together ?
---Bill_bila5659 on 8/2/09

When you were dating and engaged, did he succeed at making you feel special or loved? If he did not do so when you were single, you certainly can't expect him to change just because you are married.

Sounds like it is time for marital counseling.
---Trish9863 on 8/2/09

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