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Don't Love My Good Husband

I got married when I was 19. I did not love him. I married him because he offered to get me away from my abusive home. He is a good man but after 15 years of marriage I still don't love him like I should. I don't know what to do. I fear God and want to do what's right. Can anyone give me advice?

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 ---wanda on 8/9/09
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love is not an uncontrollable feeling that comes over you, it is the result of the loving things you do for another individual with the intention of making hem happy, having no expectations n return. when you stop treeting an individual this way, you feel as though you no longer love them. true love turns an individual selfless, while lust will make you selfish.
---sonofturbo on 10/4/09


Ask God to bring love into your heart for your Husband. Also, ask yourself what it is you are looking for. Be honest with him and let him know how you feel.

You were young when you married him, so I'm guessing you didn't date alot of guys to know what it is you're looking for. Take time to discover yourself and the rest will fall into place.
---Randall on 10/4/09


so what do you want to do now?
You want to learn how you can develop love for your husband? or you want to know if you can divorce him though he has not even offended you in any way?

or is it that you have realized you love someone else more than you love your husband?

your question is not very clear to me

what do you want advice on? please come back online and let us know. Thank you
---patie3447 on 10/4/09


read the book love dare and watch the movie fire proof
---allen on 9/25/09


I assume you took a vow before him and God? Marriage is a sacred thing, the whole institution comes from scripture. If you truly fear God, love God, and you have a desire to walk in God's will... then you know what you need to do. (Learn to love him) Or, you can take the mainstream attitude and justify whatever action you want to take and believe you will be forgiven when ahead of time you know you will be breaking your vow.
---Ken_Rank on 9/15/09




Why do relationships turn out this way sometimes? So many women looking for a good man.Women of all ages
If you leave he will be eaten up quickly.Women are starving for men these days.
You can choose to leave.If you leave, you will be unable to marry, until he is deceased. Or you can choose to be disobedient to God(divorce) and suffer the consequences. Many people have divorced and remarried and going on with their lives. You always have choices in life. Seek the Lord on this. Fast and pray before you make a decision of this magnitude. Gods blessings and guidance be with you
---Robyn on 9/11/09


Marriage may be all "eros" love at the start, but if a marriage is to last, this "eros" love become, "Agape" love. For the record, "eros" love is an emotional love, and "Agape" love is "I'll love you regardless of what you do" - which is the type of love Christ has. Marriage is also built on "likes". What you need to do is WRITE down what you like about your husband. The 'right' thing to do is stay with him. He loved you enough to remove you from an abusive situation - now it's your turn.
---wivv on 8/26/09


Ephesians 5:22-33 says you are to respect your husband and he is to love you. I'm assuming you both are aligned with this, yet you are hoping for a "feeling". Study what love is (It's NOT a feeling. See 1 Cor. 13). Continue to fear God and do what is right by both Him and your husband.

Also consider that you may have unresolved issues from an abusive past AND you're nearing an age where you might question what you may have missed out on and fear not "feeling" what the world says you should. I suggest a lot of prayer, meditating on scripture, focusing on gratitude and, perhaps, even Spiritual counseling. A lot of women who've been in and out of love many times would LOVE to have what (and who) you do.
---AlwaysOn on 8/19/09


Wanda,
There is a very real aspect of love that is often overlooked: love is a decision.
We (including you) were not loveable when God in His love sent His Son to die for our (your) sin. God loved us in spite of our unloveliness. As a Christian we are called to display God's love to others. You have a great opportunity to do so while doing what God wants you to do for Him.
If you make the decision to love your husband (good or not) you will be surprised at the change in you and your feelings to your husband.
(If there is abuse then that is another situation - but you said he is a "good" husband.)
Trust God and He will help you truly love your husband.
---Lawrence on 8/19/09


Wanda, although the bible does not definitively define love, it give you the attributes found in true love. Attributes that originate in the Father and are brought forth from us as a result of The indwelling presence of His Spirit as we are opened to resting in Him. Wanda one who has rested, has ceased from one own efforts.
Focus on this, "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous, love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." Let this love be your greatest aim.
---joseph on 8/17/09




So tell me what is your life like. Do you guys communicate, and are still intimate? So if you don't love your husband why are you still with him? Any children? Have you had or having an affair and feel or think you don't love him? If you don't want to be married get out!!!
---Carlos on 8/15/09


do you respect your husband? honour him and seek him for advice.
if so, that's love.
---andy3996 on 8/12/09


I hope what you have in mind as "love" is not what you see: in films, television series, and outdoor with other couples? Stop looking out, "far-away fields always look greener" but when close you discover they are not. God love cares & will not hurt. (1) Pray that God should remove any idol of love from your heart (if it is there) and put in the real love for your husband in you. (2) Be thanking God for that goodness in him, God will multiply the goodness till you forget your present thoughts. Your situation is better than some around you. (3) Hold on to the little you have, ask God for more Matt.7:7.
---Adetunji on 8/12/09


I re-read your post and I am convicted to say I was harsh in my post when answering you did not mention marriage but just in case..... that option is still not open to you as a christian woman because your husband is your husband until death.

With that out the way it does not mean if you do not love him you have to stay in the home with him if you want to leave you can but you must leave the door open to reconciliation in the future and live single as unto the Lord( he will work it out for you but you must read the word of God and and stay faithful).
---Carla3939 on 8/12/09


You said...

"I still don't love him LIKE I SHOULD"...

How do you think you are supposed to "love" him? Who told you or taught you to love him according to certain standards?...and what are those standards???

Did somebody convince you that you won't be able to feel love until you become "Cinderella" or feel like a fairy tale maiden?. Who convinced you not to be happy unless certain conditions are satisfied?.

Satan tells people not to be happy.

You do love him (he is a GOOD man) but won't give both of you a chance to SHARE love.

LOVE does not include fear. When we come to know The Lord, our love should become PERFECT (1 John 4:18, Mark 12:30)....GOD'S definition of love.
---more_excellent_way on 8/11/09


Wanda...Did you decide that you don't love him like you should recently? Did it take you 15 years to figure this out? What's really on your mind?
---SusieB on 8/11/09


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1 John 4:20: "If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?"
If a man does not love those who do good to him can he fulfill this?:
Matthew 5:44: "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you,"
---Nana on 8/11/09


as i understand it the Ladies vows are Trust,Honor and Respect, and it is the fella's vows are Love,Honor and Cherish.
if these traditional vows were the ones You took You are off the hook =)
---kevin on 8/10/09


If you fear God then you will know the answer is not abandonment. If you used your husband the penalty is leave but don't think it gives reason to re-marry. This is the very reasons why men asked Moses if it was possible to divorce their deceiving wives. Matt 19.

You can...... BUT.......... you'll be back asking if your marriage is right with God because you left your husband who you did not love, blah blah blah......
---Carla3939 on 8/10/09


That's like how Jesus rescued us from the abusive and dysfunctional family of Satan. And He wants us to be His Bride. So, we are marrying out of Satan's kingdom. We have gotten adopted. So, you have your husband, possibly children, and maybe his family who he has brought you to know. Why leave all this because you are not perfect (o: Love him as much as you do, and commit this to God for how He can correct and improve you, Wanda (1 Peter 5:7). And love all people, like Jesus wants (Matthew 5:46) > if you don't, this does not mean you should dump Jesus, does it? We all need to do better. It's good not to be too hung up about one person.
---Bill_bila5659 on 8/10/09


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wanda, I would suggest you go to counselling, a marriage counsellor. If that is not possible, some practical advice here is: Go to God and pray and tell him what you've told us and then ask God to give you a deep love in your heart for your husband.

Second, has your husband been good to you? Are you two friendly towards one another? Can you look at him as your good friend whom you love deeply, but just aren't in-love with him? If you fear God, then pray.

Thirdly, I didn't love my husband when I married him, but I wanted to love him because he had no one, no family, no friends and I had such compassion on him. I fell in love with Jesus first, then I began to fall in love with my husband.
---anon on 8/10/09


"What is your definition of how you should love him?"---alan8566_of_uk on 8/10/09

My question as well, and if you can not define it, how will you achieve it. Love in the emotional sense of the term is simply a feeling, feelings come and go, and are no base for a lasting relationship.
Love is a choice, choose love by allowing whatever you do to be motivated by an intent to do that which is uplifting, edifying and beneficial to the recipient, and as you give, you will receive.
---Josef on 8/10/09


Remember that in Biblical times--for that matter, just about everywhere until relatively recently--people did not get married for love of their spouses.

Marriages were arranged. They got married for love of their families.

Love is the FRUIT of marriage, not the cause of it, in the Biblical view.
---Cluny on 8/10/09


" I still don't love him like I should"

What does that mean?

What is your definition of how you should love him?
---alan8566_of_uk on 8/10/09


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Let me start with love can grow. It has too because it just does not appear. At least the love that we are suppose to have towards others. I would suggest to dig in the Word and pray for God's direction in learning to love. Honesty is probably the most needed asset. You must be completely honest with your husband so he can be a part of the solution. IF you are holding back from him you are separating yourself from him.
Your brother in Christ
---treva4538 on 8/9/09


either stay married, or if you divorce you must stay single.
---wayne on 8/9/09


Do you Love God?

If so, you know where to find the answer.
---stephen on 8/9/09


Pray. Get involved in a Women's Bible Study and learn from other women how to be a Christian woman, a woman who fears and loves the Lord first. Seek a mature Christian woman with whom you can develop a mentoring relationship and commit yourself to pray with her about your marriage. Read "The Power of a Praying Wife" and learn how to pray specifically for your husband's needs.

Love is not an emotion to be felt. It is a verb, an action word. It is something you do. Do loving things for your husband. Serve the Lord by loving your husband as if you were loving the Lord. Just do it. You will be surprised by your reaction when you commit to the Word, the Lord and to obey God.
---Trish9863 on 8/9/09


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