Married To A Drunk Pastor
I've been married for 12 years to a pastor. Our marriage has always been rocky. Most of our problems are alcohol related. He has gotten drunk and broke things even when thing are going well, I am on defense. How do you think God feels about my decision to leave him?
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---Grace on 8/10/09
Helpful Blog Vote (4)
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First, I am sorry for what you're going through. You can ask God for yourself. Listen and he will answer you. If it is in your heart to help and stay with him, you must get him to realize for him self. I believe that any addiction is a sign of a demon that control that body. Together you can take control over that spirit. If He isn't willing, and is leading you in the wrong path in life, then I believe that God will understand. Trust in God and may God bless. |
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---Buzz on 9/29/09 |
It is written God hates "putting away" which is leaving or divorcing. Being a Pastor is not something men should decide to do, but are appointed to do of the LORD. Whomever the LORD set free is free indeed. No weapon form against us shell prosper. Sounds as though the brother needs a pastor sent of God. Encourage and empower you husband through prayer. Do what is written and God will change or move him. Stand for the LORD and submit unto His will, not the way of the world as so many claiming "faith" in God, yet surrendering unto the ways of the world. |
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---Greg on 9/28/09 |
Patie, nobody can help an alcoholic until the alcoholic wants the help. Please don't tell this poor woman that she can help him reform. He is addicted to alcohol. The only person who can truly help an alcoholic is Christ Himself. Until this man is motivated to seek help, all the help this wife gives is for naught. |
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---Trish9863 on 9/25/09 |
YOU can help him reform if you really want to
pray to God, let Him show you how you can show love as well as guard the safety of other family members while helping your husband to overcome his addiction by the power of Christ.
I know an unbeliever in our neighbourhood who was able to contain her husband's addiction for close to fifteen years. We all admire her love and dedication. Her only short fall was that she gave up on medical help because of constant relapse. her husband finally died from his addiction but i appreciate her ability to love and stay committed to her husband who had turned into an addict after marriage
don't lose heart... |
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---patie3447 on 9/25/09 |
This is delicate. But, I Corinthians 6:9-10 says "Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of GOD? BE NOT DECEIVED: neither fornicators, nor idolators, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, NOR DRUNKARDS, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the Kingdom of GOD." I'm finding that this Verse applies to EVERYONE. Those who are lost, and those who claim to be Christian. If a Christian layperson or Pastor is an alcoholic and regularly gets drunk, then, they are living on the edge of the very Pit of Hell. If they refuse to repent, then you are free in the LORD to leave. Be not UNEQUALLY YOKED! |
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---Gordon on 9/25/09 |
Leave him. If you stay you are sending him the message his behavior is acceptable. |
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---Trish on 9/7/09 |
Did you give him an ultimatum first? |
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---amand6348 on 9/5/09 |
SusieB -- Of course, there are churches that do not condemn drinking. But can you name one accepts a drunk in it's pulpit? |
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---Donna66 on 8/31/09 |
The funny thing is that some on here don't realize that there are churches where the doctrine allows a minister to drink alcohol, smoke and anything else he/she wants to do. |
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---SusieB on 8/31/09 |
Did you know that it doesn't matter that your husband is a pastor? He is a flesh human being who struggles with his "old man" like the rest of us. The choices he is making are violent and injurious to you. It is important that you acknowledge that truth.
You are the only one who will be able to make the right decision on what action is needed to keep yourself safe. There is nothing godly in choosing to remain a victim. But God tells us that the true worshipers are those who worship Him in spirit and in truth. So now, walk in truth and trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths.Prov3:5-6. God bless you!
Kathleen |
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---Kathleen on 8/28/09 |
Well I have heard it all! I am so sorry for you,honey. This is so sad. Aman of the cloth acting like this and doing these ugly things. My,my.my! How can he stand in the pulpit and keep a straight face? Knowing he is a hypocrite and terrorizing his spouse.Among other evils. Honey you need to get out of there, fast. How in the world did this happen? Does he even realize he suppose to be a servant of God? I would think of my own safety and any children and we would be gone from that place and him. |
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---Robyn on 8/26/09 |
Well,he is in sin.He should not be getting drunk or as a pastor even drinking lightly as that is a stumbling block to many and he is to be an example.If he is breaking things the next think he may break is you or your children.This type of behavior esculates.Pray for his deliverence but get away from him until you know he's changed and by the way the elders deacons etc.have a right to know what he is doing. |
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---shirley on 8/18/09 |
I would suggest that marriage is for better or worse. There is always a chance that he will change.
I have a friend who was a cocaine addict. He beat the habit and has been clean for 20 years now. His wife stayed with him and is glad she did. They now have a happy marriage and what they did was best for their kids. |
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---obewan on 8/18/09 |
The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of,
And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Sheperds of a flock should know better, more is required from those who know the way,
If the blind lead the blind, both shall Fall into the ditch.
Drunkards, Liars & theives,ect. ect. ect.
GOD say's that he "HATES" them(those are his words, so take it up with him if you dont like it), your husband being a preacher should already know that.
my prayers r with you
YLBD |
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---YLBD on 8/18/09 |
Thank you Donna, I hope I can encourage people too. :) God bless you :) |
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---Mary on 8/17/09 |
Congratulations, Mary, on five+ years of sobriety. I hope your post will give hope to any that feel thay thay or a loved one cannot get victory in this area. |
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---Donna66 on 8/16/09 |
Hi Donna, I totally agree--amen :) I'm a recovering alcoholic who has been sober over 5 years now and there's times I still desire that liquor--but I just say NOOOOOO and stay sober, thank God. Strange thing is, I can even be perfectly happy with my life and still crave a drink and I used to think you had to be unhappy about something. Nope! |
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---Mary on 8/16/09 |
Donna, I am with you in your answer on 8/10/09. Here is why, when someone has a problem, no matter what you say, do are suggest will not make a difference. We cannnot make someone do something they don't want to do. The problem continues on and on. After you have exhuasted every avenue, you will find yourself going to God. To whom you should have gone to in the first place. When we were lost we depended on ourselves. We thought we could solve everything. We found out different. Separation is for reconciliation and for allowing God time to change the individual and you. With that thought in mind, and because nothing we do can change things, we put our spouse in the hands of God. If you do not separate most surely, nothing will change. |
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---MarkV. on 8/16/09 |
SusieB --- actually, whether an alcoholic is, or is not, "healed" is of secondary importance, AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT DRINKING. A common motto for recovering alcoholics is "One day at a time"... they do not presume anything for the future. |
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---Donna66 on 8/15/09 |
1/2
Look for a Titus 2:3-5.
God desires that we live in peace *1. Yet, it is impossible to let disobedience rule in your relationship with your husband, without affecting your obedience to Jesus. If your husband were to ask you to sin, Acts 4:19 and 5:29 allow you to say no *2. While we are not permitted to falsely judge, or to diminish another, James 4:11-12, God tells us to correct a sinful brother, 2Thesalonians 3:6. The disciplining of a presumed Bishop is not a punishment, but recognizes that man is not qualified *3, and does not meeting various Biblical standards *4. Elders: 1Timothy 5:19-22 (reputable witnesses). If the charge is justifiable, Romans 16:17-18 and 1Corinthians 5:6-8, 11-13 apply. |
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---Glenn on 8/15/09 |
SusieB I have to say I have never heard of an alcoholic who has been cured of alcoholism ... in that he can now drink alcohol without the bad affects of the addiction kicking in again.
Neither have I heard of a drug addict who has been cured, so now can take drugs without the addiction taking hold again.
What God does do for them is to give them the strength to resist the urge to return to drinking or drugging, or gambling.
They are no longer bound by the addiction, but it is still there.
Unless you have evidence otherwise. |
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---alan8566_of_uk on 8/15/09 |
SusieB: I believe God can and does heal all diseases, including alcoholism, in SOME, not all. Problem is, IF an alcoholic has been healed of the alcoholism, how is one supposed to find out if they have been truly healed? They would have to test out drinking alcohol to see if they relapse into drinking alcoholically or not. That is a gamble I do not recommend to anyone with an alcoholism history. |
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---Trish9863 on 8/14/09 |
2/2
Matthew 18:15-20 concerns personal offenses, and allows the matter to be dealt with in private if there is repentance, but 1Timothy 5 does not.
*1 Psalm 34:14, 1Peter 3:11, Matthew 5:9, Romans 8:6, 12:18, 14:17-19, 2Corinthians 13:11,Galatians 5:22-26, Ephesians 4:3, Philippians 4:4-9, Colossians 3:12-17, Thessalonians 3:16, 1Timothy 2:1-4, 2Timothy 2:19-26, Hebrews 12:14, James 3:18, 1Peter 3:10-11.
*2 1Corinthians 11:3-10, 13, 15-16, 14:34-35, Ephesians 5:22-24, 33, Colossians 3:18, 1Timothy 2:11-14, Titus 2:5, 1Peter 3:1-2, 5-6.
*3 Acts 20:27-30, 1Timothy 3:1-15, Titus 1:5-16, James 3:1-18, 1Peter 5:1-3.
*4 Romans 6, 1Corinthians 6:20, Galatians 5:16-6:5, Ephesians 4:17-32, 5:3-18, Colossians 3:5-10, 22-23. |
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---Glenn on 8/14/09 |
Alan...Guess that means that the Lord cannot deliver anyone from alcoholism. How is it that Jesus healed all kinds of illnesses in the Bible, but He can't do it today? |
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---SusieB on 8/14/09 |
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Just an amendment to what trish says
(I'm not an alcoholic, but know well someone who is, and has explained a lot)
If you are an alcoholic, you don't necessaily drink.
Once an alcoholic, always and alcoholic. They may not have drunk for 20 years, but they remain an alcoholic ... and if drink one sip (even unknowingly) the compulsion may kick in.
NEVER OFFER A DRINK TO AN ALCOHOLIC, EVEN IF THEY HAVE BEEN FREE OF DRINKING FOR YEARS. |
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---alan8566_of_uk on 8/14/09 |
When I first began my journey of recovery, as I am an alcoholic in AA for almost twenty years, I thought I had to figure out why I drank. I had tons of excuses, as I had a childhood full of trauma. I had to learn that alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. Once the addictive brain gets the alcohol, all bets are off, and the alcoholic just drinks.
As Cluny and I have suggested, attend Alanon, and learn from others how to cope with the fallout of loving an alcoholic. |
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---Trish9863 on 8/11/09 |
I'm not going to suggest that drinking a sufficient amount of water is a cure for alcoholism, but alcohol is very dehydrating to the body.
It's like being stranded at sea. You're NEVER supposed to drink seawater because the salt content will dehydrate you. Once you drink some, you will become dehydrated and delerious, and then you will carelessly drink more until you die.
Alcohol is also dehydrating and causes a person to also make careless decisions.
I once heard a recovered alcoholic say that drinking extra water helped greatly ease their recovery.
Do not leave him, HELP him (provide ENCOURAGEMENT). |
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---more_excellent_way on 8/11/09 |
A big AMEN to Cluny's advice. You'll just spin your wheels trying to figure "why" he drinks. And knowing "why" doesn't solve the problem.
You don't need to get a divorce, but leaving him temporarily might "motivate" him. You could let him know that you won't return until he quits drinking. It usually takes something rather drastic for an alcoholic to actually want to quit drinking. (This, of course, is just my idea...not an expert opinion. I'm just speaking on the basis of other cases I've seen.)
Al-Anon can give you really good advice and support. They can help teenaged kids, too, if you have some. Let the Lord help you through this difficlt time. But please don't consider divorce. |
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---Donna66 on 8/10/09 |
do the words, in sickness and health ring a bell. alcoholism is a symptom of a greater sickness.
to find healing first you two must work together to figure out what the root of the sickness is, history of military service?
physical/emotional abuse as a child? abandonment issues? or maybe even something
like a lack of forgiveness of self.
hope this is found to be encouraging.
God bless you two best. |
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---kevin on 8/10/09 |
You can ask God and find out directly from Him how He feels for yourself.
If you want MY opinion on your decision, it's this:
This might be necessary for him to hit bottom, as 12-Steppers say, and admit to himself that his life is out of control.
I would urge you to leave the door open for reconciliation and also attend AL-ANON, which is for people adversely affected by the alcoholism of others.
You might need to search your own conscience and see if and how you've been his enabler: allowing him to engage in this destructive conduct. This is one thing Al-Anon helps with. |
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---Cluny on 8/10/09 |
If you leave him, he will be free to make someone else his victim . . . like maybe he managed to charm and fool you. Before you decoy yourself with divorce, you might do well to learn from how you were able to fool yourself about him. Or else, you could just fool yourself into something else, if you haven't learned how you helped yourself into this situation. Can you consider it is possible to restore him? Galatians 6:1. But if he is not a Christian and in a church that does not deal with this by the Bible . . . 1 Timothy 3:1-10 is very clear he is not qualified to be a pastor. 1 Corinthians 6:1-12 and Matthew 18:15-20 > if you can tell the difference, take this up with real Christians who know you, and work this out together. |
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---Bill_bila5659 on 8/10/09 |
Grace....I think you should ask God what He thinks. He'll tell you. |
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---SusieB on 8/10/09 |
I think you know the answer to your question. To leave your husband would be wrong. There are other options. First of all, pray. Second, attend some Alanon meetings to learn how other wives deal with their husbands' drunkenness. Third, seek marital therapy, and discuss his drunken episodes there. A third party could provide your husband with an evaluation for possible treatment.
Alcoholism is not the end of the world. Your husband can stop drinking, if he seeks help. |
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---Trish9863 on 8/10/09 |
Well I ''think'' has nothing to do with what the bible says about marriage. The bible is clear that you can leave for peace it did not say you can re-marry.1 Cor 7
If your husband is more drunk than he is sober then he is going to need a friend, you are the best friend that could help him to find God again but it won't be easy!
It's pointless leaving him when he's down if your going to leave him make sure it's not for another! |
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---Carla3939 on 8/10/09 |
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