Divorce Over No Sparks
My wife and I are both saved christians. Friday she told me to move out because that spark isn't there anymore. I don't drink, hit, or anything like that. We have an eight year old daughter also. She said if I don't get out she is filing for divorce at the first chance. What should I do?
Moderator - If you leave and then she files for divorce, then you are pushed out of your home permanently. See if she will agree to marriage counseling so you guys can get to the root of the problem.
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---Troy on 11/16/09
Helpful Blog Vote (3)
Thanks JackB. I believe you. When it comes to wives, some of us may be a bit sensitive to the hyperbole. However, I admit a successful marriage takes much love and forgiveness and patience. After all, it has to hard on my wife to live with someone perfect. :)
---Rod4Him on 12/6/09|
Guys I said that in a joking manner about a man or woman wanting to kill their spouse. I simply meant they have fight and get the point that they are disgusted with one another.
I apologize for the confusion.
---JackB on 12/6/09|
JackB, there is some truth to your analysis of commitment to marriage, and attitudes in marriages. However, your statements were a bit over generalized. I've been marriaged over 34 years and never wanted to kill my wife.
Yes, there has to be lots of forgiveness from both sides for it to work.
Yes, in general, many people don't stay true to their commitments.
I loved this phrase by alan, "And now, my loyalty even to unknown men means I would not seek to chat up a girl who has a boy-friend (let alone a fiance or husband)." If only our world was full of alan's type of character in this matter. Great to hear.
---Rod4Him on 12/3/09|
JackB ... Had you said "some" I would have had no criticism of your statement.
Your recent comments seem to show a bleak opinion of marriage.
"Ask people married for 40 years, they'll tell you sometimes they wanted to kill their spouse and almost cheated numerous times"
"People have no sense of loyalty anymore"
"They are typically self-centered in their thinking"
"Couples now would rather check out the "greener grass""
Has your experience or observation really been so bad?
---alan8566_of_uk on 12/3/09|
If I had said "some" what would you have picked about then?
---JackB on 12/3/09|
JackB "Couples now would rather check out the "greener grass" which turns out to be the same brown grass after another 5 or 10 years"
Again a blanket statement ... a blanket condemnation of the young couples of today?.
You should say "Some"
---alan8566_of_uk on 12/2/09|
Thats wonderful thing that your marriage was so pleasant, Alan. It really is. Im sorry for your loss.
What I mean is most people who stayed married for a long period of time will say it was NOT an easy trek. It required a lot of honesty, humility and forgiveness which are the very things that couples dont want to give each other any more. BUt to someone married for 40 years its worth it.
Couples now would rather check out the "greener grass" which turns out to be the same brown grass after another 5 or 10 years
---JackB on 12/1/09|
Alan, Im sure they didnt mean literally KILL them...
---JackB on 11/30/09|
the bible says,"what can seperate me from the love of god?"
---shonny on 11/27/09|
JackB ... you say "Ask people married for 40 years, theyll tell you sometimes they wanted to kill their spouse and almost cheated numerous times. There are bad times along with the good. People have no sense of loyalty anymore. They are typically self-centered in their thinking"
That's a pretty blanket condemnation of all married people.
I only made 33 years before my wife died, but I never wanted to kill her, not did I have temptations to cheat.
And now, my loyalty even to unknown men means I would not seek to chat up a girl who has a boy-friend (let alone a fiance or husband)
---alan8566_of_uk on 11/27/09|
Unrealistic expectations in marriage...
Ask people married for 40 years, theyll tell you sometimes they wanted to kill their spouse and almost cheated numerous times. There are bad times along with the good. People have no sense of loyalty anymore. They are typically self-centered in their thinking
Sorry but if its a true Christian marriage I believe praying for the "sparks" to return will work if BOTH people are subject to the will of God. God wont neglect a covenant made in His name.
The problem is with your wife. She thinks the grass will be greener somewhere else. Sorry to say it, but she is probably having an affair and is afraid to admit it. Hearts dont grow cold like that without outside interference.
---JackB on 11/27/09|
"What should I do?" You are the head of your household, maintain that. If your wife no longer wants to be apart of that household, let her leave, alone. If she wants a divorce, there is nothing you can do to prevent her from filing, just be sure that you continue to be the husband and father that the Father has called you to be. Do nothing to excuse, justify, or give her valid reason for divorce, and trust the Father with the outcome of that. If your work schedule and your child's schedule at school differs, make immediate preparations for her care during the interim. Protect yourself and your child for "If any [man] provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith," 1Tim.5:8
---joseph on 11/18/09|
I agree with Rebecca. No sparks sounds like a cop out to me, for someone who is supposed to be an adult.
---amand6348 on 11/18/09|
It sounds like she has a man on the side. This could be the reason as to why she says there isn't a spark between you two anymore, and for you to get out. If she wants out of the marriage, then tell her to move out. You shouldn't leave just because she feels unhappy. There is a reason behind her teling you to leave, and the reason could be "the another man".
---Rebecca_D on 11/18/09|
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many so called christians allow life to destroy them,they take their vows,their commitments lightly,and let their emotions rule them.Try going on dates,set a specific time during each day to spend time together,QUALITY TIME.remind her why you both married each other,and what both of you have committed to.the only escape clause is adultery.
---tom2 on 11/18/09|
if you are ale sit down and ask her what she wants,or what you can do for her,does she need some time apart?more imporatant the first question should be ,does she want to save her marriage,and what is she willing to do.
---tom2 on 11/18/09|
Troy, Buy her a lighter, I think they're only a buck at 7-11.
---1st_cliff on 11/17/09|
Stay put. It's your house, too. You have to realize that she has been thinking about this for a long time and she has planned what she wants to do. She is many steps ahead of you.
My former wife pulled the same stunt. I immediately contacted an attorney who said to absolutely not move out of the house. That only strengthens her case, should it come to a divorce.
You can try the counseling route, but the fact is if she is set on divorcing you, there isn't much that will stop her. If she does file, hire an attorney to make sure that the best interests of you and your daughter are protected.
---ralph7477 on 11/17/09|
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Tell her that if she is not pleased to live with YOU in YOUR house that SHE can move out.
And point out that there's nothing in the Bible justifying divorce for "the spark not being there."
---Cluny on 11/17/09|
Troy, is your wife following the Lord? She wants what SHE wants, "She told me to move out" is not what a Christian woman who loves the Lord would say.
She should go to God and pray, "Lord, please give me a new and fresh love for my husband. I don't have sparks for him anymore but I want to because he is my husband will you help me Lord?" That's what she needs to pray.
If she files for divorce, she cannot remarry as long as you are alive. So she's not even reading the bible NOR is she following the Word of God. Jesus said, "If you love me, You'll obey me." Read all the scriptures about marriage in Romans and what Jesus said happens if she divorces you-she is considered an adulteress woman.
---Donna on 11/17/09|
This is worth praying about. My church has kept me, and I am not much for sparks. But I enjoy being quiet and pleasantly doing what I can to help. This seems to be very appreciated. But I am seeing they are good examples for me, of how to love. So, Troy . . . who do you two have for good examples of how to love? Who feeds you two with their example of how to love?
---Bill_bila5659 on 11/16/09|