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Go Back To Abusive Husband

Someone recently asked me if I would ever go back to my husband whom I divorced for reasons of domestic violence. (brutal beatings). It was the Pastor's wife where he goes to church. Is she for real? And would you go back to a spouse who brutally beat you for the last year of your marriage?

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 ---anon on 5/21/10
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No. I would not go back. Your pastor's wife sounds like someone lacking intelligence or if not that, or maybe both, someone who lived in a glass house and didn't have such things happen to her. I would've asked her if she'd like being beat.

I hate it when people are so sunshiny and so upbeat and they havent had the same crap happen to them to know if theyd still be that way if the stuff did happen to them. Why are you going to the church he goes to? Do you feel like, this is my home church too, so why do I have to leave?
---amand6348 on 5/28/10


anon, You have some very good supportive answers here. I just want to add that forgiveness is a decision AND forgiveness does not mean that you should ever live with it. However Jesus said if we don't forgive everyone that God will not forgive us. So, it's very important that you forgive your X for your own sake. Believe me, there are some people in my life I have to make a concious decision to forgive on a daily basis. Forgiveness may not ever affect the other person but it has healing effects on us.
---fay on 5/27/10


Anon--aka joseph has some good advice.

When I got out of my abusive marriage years ago, there were no such groups. I made a few false starts at getting free. He begged and pleaded with tears, promised the abuse would never happen again. But when I went back, he quickly forgot that promise. He was NOT able to change.

Since you are divorced, put that marriage behind you. Look to the future, set new goals, and find friends who will encourage you in your new endeavors.
---Donna66 on 5/24/10


The main question is should this lady go back to her husband whom she divorced because of his abuse. The answer is simply no. It is no because she has divorced him. To return to someone who is legally dead/divorced to/from her is like the dog returning to his vomit.
There is enough mockery made of marriage as it is. Study the Scripture to see if divorced people should remarry.
---Elder on 5/24/10


Anon: Your ex's pastor's wife did not live with him, and maybe clueless as to the circumstances that led to the end of your marriage. Of course, that being said, she may well be aware of his abuse, and be ignorant about domestic violence. Some people believe that marriage is till death do us part, even if there is physical violence in the marriage.
---Trish9863 on 5/23/10




anon,

I am sorry that you had to endure any kind of abuse. Nobody except those that have been abused know how horrific it is. Please find a program like Celebrate Recovery or some other Christian based recovery group for abuse victims.

Even if anybody here that responds to you is qualified to help you heal your wounds, the format here is not a good one for your purposes. This is mostly a format that will sharpen your skills at spiritual combat and not help healing deep wounds.
---aka_joseph on 5/22/10


\\I think that genearlly you are too quick to dismiss women's complaints.
---alan8566_of_uk on 5/22/10\\

I'm not dismissing her story. I'm simply asking her to clarify what she's talking about here.

If she's clear before God in her own conscience that she did the right thing in divorcing her husband, the question of one person will not influence her.

But she seems to be wanting people to agree with her that the pastor's wife was wrong in not affirming her decision to do so.
---Cluny on 5/23/10


Cluny ... I have previously told about a lady whose husband sexually assaulted all of their three daughters.

When she tried to separate herself from him, it was she who was shunned by the church.

Even when he was found criminally guilty, he remained an elder of the church, whilst she had to leave.

Some denominationsare so strong on this "man is the head", that they will allow all sorts of abuse by the husband , with no support for the victim. It sounds as if this is the case here with the pastor's wife here.

I think that genearlly you are too quick to dismiss women's complaints.
---alan8566_of_uk on 5/22/10


anon--
It was the Pastor's wife where he goes to church. Is she for real?

She certainly could be. If her husband is his pastor and not yours, he and his wife most likely heard a different version of events, than you would give them.

Don't be so quick to blame the pastor's wife. More than likely she's just responding to what your ex-husband told her.
And you can probably GUESS what that was.
Sounds like maybe he's expressed an idea to get back together with you. All you have to do is say "yes" or "no". (And no, I wouldn't go back, either.) But, sometimes the less said, the better...esp. if you really want to move on.
---Donna66 on 5/21/10


If you have divorced this woman abuser you cannot remarry him. He is spiritually and physically dead to you. Forget the foolish ones who think you should go back. If the pastors wife knew what she was speaking of she would not suggest you go back. Forget the whole bunch and relearn to live your life. You are NOT "damaged goods." Never act like it.
God has a place and partner for you if it is His will. Wait on Him and enjoy the peace and quiet.
God Bless as I know He can and will.
---Elder on 5/21/10




\\Cluny, forget it, Forget I even asked for encouragement. You don't understand the question, you do this in ALL of your posts, try to make the person look stupid, well you succeeded, thank you very much. I appreciate that.\\

To paraphrase the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you feel stupid without your consent.

Apparently, the pastor's wife's question bothered you more than you are willing to admit.

Only you will be able to determine why.
---Cluny on 5/21/10


Absolutely NOT!!

That spouse should have been in jail where he / she belongs!!
---francis on 5/21/10


It could be that this woman's general principle is her desire to see estranged couples reconciled. You can't blame her for wishing that.---Cluny on 5/21/10

This woman is the Pastor's wife. This woman knows of the abusive situation. This woman knows he bought a gun when we were married and she's asking me if I would ever consider going back with him? Don't you think that's an absurd question to even ask me????? I'm baffled as to why she would even ask me such a question.
Cluny, forget it, Forget I even asked for encouragement. You don't understand the question, you do this in ALL of your posts, try to make the person look stupid, well you succeeded, thank you very much. I appreciate that.
---anon on 5/21/10


She could very well be for real.

Only 2 things determine if your marriage will be healed.

Your husbands willingness to let Christ change him.

Your willingness to let Christ help you forgive your husband.


God CAN change people. Look at Paul. From murderer to saint.
---JackB on 5/21/10


What is it exactly what you want to talk about?

Did you want to discuss why you divorced your husband? If you are clear in your own mind and conscience, then what this woman said will not change your mind.

On the other hand, if you have some kind of scruples about divorcing him, then why are you discussing it with strangers?

Or did you just want to complain about this other person?

It could be that this woman's general principle is her desire to see estranged couples reconciled. You can't blame her for wishing that.

(I'm certainly not asking you to go back to an abusive situation.)
---Cluny on 5/21/10


anon, you are the only one who will answer to God for your choices, whether right or wrong. No one else has the right to judge you for those choices. That's between you & Jesus so it doesn't matter what anyone else does, says or thinks. Stay away from people who judge you.
---fay on 5/21/10


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NO WAY would I go back!!
---a_friend on 5/21/10


You know what Cluny? I'm asking for people's advice because I told her I don't ever want to go back to him, yet I'm feeling she thinks I'm not a Christian for saying that.

That's why I posted the question. If you don't want to give feedback, then Pleaseeeeee don't suggest me wanting to vent. That's not the case at all.
The context is that I heard they were moving back down south and leaving the church and wanted to wish them well. Of course they mentioned my ex because he still goes there.
I feel bad for saying "no way, I wouldn't go back with him" - she was dead silent as if I was the bad guy. I feel bad and would like some feedback or even encouragement from the body of Christ (which may or may not be you Cluny).
---anon on 5/21/10


I would like to know the context in which she asked you this.

Why don't you ask her if she's for real, yourself? After all, you have more access to her than we do.

Or did you simply want to vent?
---Cluny on 5/21/10


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