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My Husband Is A Bum

What should I do about my husband? There doesn't seem to be grounds for divorce, and we have both been prayerful. It distresses me that he keeps asking for money. He has done drugs, and won't work. Is this my fault? He is now living with his biological children and their mother. He never cheated.

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 ---Joyce on 6/29/10
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I'd like to know what your definition of "He never cheated" is? He is living with his ex-wife or girlfriend with whom he had the children. I call that cheating! The Bible says not to give the appearance of sin...he has certainly done that. If it were me I'd give him an ultimatum...move from his present environment to a safer one and you will seek a legal separation for the time being. With that there will be property settlement and possibly other types of support. It also gives you both time to get into counseling. He needs to know you mean business. And if he refuses then I'd proceed with divorce. The likelihood he is not having sexual relations is probably slim to none. Sorry to put it so bluntly but you need to protect yourself!
---Frank on 8/26/10

All of you people hearing these voices..... has any of them told you to shut-up?
Inquire about it. I think they might want you to.
---Elder on 7/5/10

\\My God talks so does yours....\\

That's right.

Your god talks.

And then there's the God of the Bible.

They are not the same.
---Cluny on 7/2/10

Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.
But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived.
But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them,

And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:

No! And some think I am not giving her the medicine!
Because of my beliefs, I guess! They dont say it.
But, they ask!

That just dumb!
---TheSeg on 7/2/10

I know it's changing the subject.... I am rather tired of people accusing of hearing voices just because God talks to His people, and we listen and we try to pass it on. Unbelievers, you too are listening to voice. Satan's voice. So, I wouldn't talk if I were you. You need to know this. My God talks so does yours....Hallelujah, thank You, Jesus.++I love You. I don't deserve You, I love You.
---catherine on 7/2/10

"The voices of Satan, coming through a spirit-filled Christian counselor, advised her to divorce me. Who else, but the Devil, would advocate divorce?"
Ugh.... well...ahem... God gave the rules for divorce. So what are you trying to say?
A "Spirit filled believer couldn't be filled with the voices of Satan. So one or the other has to be true. If divorce was recommended in accordance with the Word of God it was not from Satan either.
Now, maybe, advice was given that you didn't agree with. But, what did you do to,
1. cause the advice to be given,
2. or to change the reason(s) for the divorce?
This is not to blame anyone but to make some realize truth.
---Elder on 7/2/10

(There's someone on here who shall remain nameless who hears voices, too, and apparently won't take her meds either.)
---Cluny on 7/1/10

Could that be my ex-wife?

The voices of Satan, coming through a spirit-filled Christian counselor, advised her to divorce me. Who else, but the Devil, would advocate divorce?

I don't know if medication would have helped her.
---Augie on 7/1/10

Why is it that women are foolish enough to believe that a man like this has never cheated? He's living with his ex. That's the first clue!!!!!
---KarenD on 7/1/10

I have to just trust and hear God, no matter how difficult this is at times. I again appreciate all the advice. Peace be with you all and May God bless you.

Note: If anyone wants to add more, then thank you. God is still in control.
---Joyce on 7/1/10

Dear Joyce:

Have you approached your husband with the prospects of attending marital and pastoral counseling? If so, what did he say?

Darlene: I know you are trying to help, and I know the information we have been given does not look good, but please refrain from making judgment calls that amount to nothing more than an emphatic quess. Joyce needs clarity of thought not emotional presumptions. Peace be with you both.
---Higgins on 7/1/10

TheSeg, hasn't proper medicine been found for your wife yet?

If so, will she take it?

I admire you for doing the best you can for and by your wife.

SHE is clearly not wanting to kill you. It's the disease speaking.

(There's someone on here who shall remain nameless who hears voices, too, and apparently won't take her meds either.)
---Cluny on 7/1/10

Joyce,your husband is cheating on you now,living with his Ex. Don't give him a cent,the Bible says if a man won't work,he shouldn't eat either. It also says a man who doesn't provide for his own is worse than an infidel. I have to wonder,not saying it was,if the praying so you knew it was an act to sucker you in. His actions aren't those of a true Christian and the Bible says you will know them by their fruit,a good tree doesn't bring forth bad fruit and a bad tree doesn't bring forth good fruit. Your husband has already divorced you by going back to the Exwife. If you live in Community Property State any debts he makes can also be charged to the wife.
---Darlene1 on 7/1/10

My wife of 40 years got sick in 2000. She has been hearing voice. IT has been telling her to hurt me. Lately, IT! The voice has been telling her to kill me. This father day morning as I got up, she told me IT wanted her to kill me with a knife.

Yes, she has been in and out of the hospital. But, because of the knife idea, everyone is saying its time for me to give up on her?

You said you hear me? Should I be worry? Should I live in fear for my life?
(We havent been together in all this time! And no I havent!)
The funny thing, I still love my life. Everything!

Why Joyce? If there nothing here!
---TheSeg on 7/1/10

I believe you do!
---TheSeg on 6/30/10

I am not going to give you a sermon. I can feel your pain....There are many bums in this world, and they are suppose to take of wife and children. Failure to do so constitutes a bum. I'll say it again, any man who won't take care of wife and children. A BUM, A BUM. IS A BUM... My Father in the name of Jesus, please help women who's husband is a bum. The women that are not saved please save them, so you can help them to learn to be strong for You. Service to You. Thank You. In the name of Jesus++Amen and Amen.+ Another cross out there.
---catherine on 6/30/10

I do hear you TheSeg.
---Joyce on 6/30/10

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Sorry I ever mentioned any of this.I feel like I'm going against my marriage by telling any of this. I pray God will forgive me.
---Joyce on 6/29/10

Hi Joyce,
There is nothing wrong with seeking counsel. Just be careful what you share. You do not have to answer the questions asked of you. Somethings are personal and are not for public knowledge especially on a blog site.
---pg1 on 6/30/10

Trish, my love:

I understand what you are saying and I adore your spirit. What I am trying to get at is THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER.

Thus far, I have heard some things, but I have not seen the MEAT. A sweet little old lady once said, "Where's the beef?", and I'm still waiting for it.

Too many good people with good intenions give poor advice because they don't listen well enough and don't ask the right kind of questions. We haven't heard enough of the story to render sage advice. Too many holes, too many unanswered questions. And, I think there is more to the story than meets the eye and experience has taught me that things aren't always as they seem to be.
---Higgins on 6/30/10


We are married more than 5 years.
His are now teenagers.
Mine were teenagers and in college.
I found lots of evidence of drug use.
He admitted using.
He told me after marriage.
Yes record.
Word travels in a small town between family and acquantances in no time. People find out things that you don't want them to know.
No legal separation at all.
What ungodly reason would he have to move in with his ex, let alone move. I didn't tell him to do it. Co-equals? We own everything mutually, but contribute unequally. But God is the judge here actually. This is more than relationship, it's a marriage.
---Joyce on 6/30/10

//When my child hit, I think it was seventeen. I dont remember because its not important!

What is important is the way IT wanted to rule the MY home.
I told IT, this kingdom can only be ruled by one king!
If you want to rule you must find your own kingdom!
No really, I did! To which IT said, I GO SIR!

As IT was walking out, I almost call IT back!
But instead said remember, I love you! This door will always be open to you!
But, there can only be one king!

As IT left, I felt as if I was going to die! My heart almost did!
Seven days later, MY SON CAME BACK, A MAN!
I didnt divorce him!

How many times can I say amen!
---Linda on 6/30/10

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Higgins, In a marriage with an addict, especially one that is not working and earning money himself, it is common for the addict to have to request money from the wage earner, because if an addict has too much money, they get tempted to score.
---Trish9863 on 6/30/10

I say Amen, faith indeed.
---Joyce on 6/30/10


How long have you been married to this man?

And, how old are his children?

How old were your children when you married him?

How do you REALLY know he is doing cocaine?

Who told you he was on cocaine (after you married him)? Is this a reliable source? Did your husband ever admit to using cocaine? Do you have any solid evidence outside of hearsay? Does he have a police record?

And, how do your co-workers know about this sad story?

Has he filed for a legal separation?

Did you give him a reason to move in with his ex?

Why is it that he must ask for money from you? Are you not co-equals in this relationship?
---Higgins on 6/30/10

Joyce -- Very few people have "wonderful" relationships and least not all the time. So when you hear people talk of theirs, bear in mind they might feel quite differently at times. They just don't say so.
Also it's easy to imagine people being more smug and judgemental than they really are. I'm not saying this is the case. But when you feel stressed you sometimes "hear" what you "fear", if you follow me.
Most people spend the majority of their time thinking about themselves!. If they think about you and your problems, it is most likely momentarily.

You're on the right track. Read you Bible regularly, even if a little bit. And befriend some other women at your church.
---Donna66 on 6/30/10

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When my child hit, I think it was seventeen. I dont remember because its not important!

What is important is the way IT wanted to rule the MY home.
I told IT, this kingdom can only be ruled by one king!
If you want to rule you must find your own kingdom!
No really, I did! To which IT said, I GO SIR!

As IT was walking out, I almost call IT back!
But instead said remember, I love you! This door will always be open to you!
But, there can only be one king!

As IT left, I felt as if I was going to die! My heart almost did!
Seven days later, MY SON CAME BACK, A MAN!
I didnt divorce him!
---TheSeg on 6/30/10

Joyce, dear soul,

PLEASE read your own posts.

They are a litany of the things enablers do: living in active denial ("he's not cheating"? just how do you think he and his wife got his biological children?), giving him money that apparently he uses irresponsibly, allowing him to not help support himself, and blaming yourself for things that that are not your fault.

Enablers don't think they are being enablers at the time. But please realize that EVERYTHING you have done has allowed your husband to continue his self-destructive and dysfunctional behavior.

He has--and still is--clearly manipulating you.
---Cluny on 6/30/10

It isn't about if "technically" you can get a divorce. If he is not with you, right now you can get with God, more and better than ever. This can help you make sure you do what you really need to do, including to please God (1 Peter 3:4), first. Possibly, you did not make sure with God about if you married him. Maybe you weren't a Christian, then. But now we can get with God so we are doing exactly what He micro-manages us to do in sweet and sensitive sharing with Him, in **His*** love: "And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment." (Philippians 1:9) Or else, we can find other ways to hurt ourselves.
---Bill_bila5659 on 6/30/10

My husband has been out of work for about 3 years, maybe more on a steady a paying job. Has had odd jobs. When we met he worked, lived with his Aunt and drove his own car. He has run a business. He's been on crack cocain apparently for many years, off and on (I found this out after marriage). He has been gone for close to 3 months. I was working same jobs then as now. It's been a struggle. My daughters are in college and My son, the eldest, is a college graduate and working out of state. Not saying I am perfect, not painting a bad picture of him. No one wanted to except him initially and he has experienced a lot of pain and frustration due to family and outsiders. Some things can push a person backward. I am always faithful to my husband.
---Joyce on 6/30/10

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I appreciate the advice, and the understanding. Still going through it though. I live in a small town and th remarks and judgements have taken a toll, along with my families criticism. I don't blame anyone, it's like mud and I'm wading through it. Just right now while at work knowing that my co-workers also know some of my experience, I believe they are being smug and judgemental. What I hear is how wonderful their relationships and marriage is. They go on and on. I'm so stressed at times and depressed I think there's no where to turn. God is certainly there, but I have difficulty hearing him. I continue to pray and seek him. There is a program and a women's group at my church, it just started. I will attend it as often as I can.
---Joyce on 6/30/10

Trish, as you know, I am a recovering enabler. Enablers are just the flip side of the same coin of addiction. No, we do not make anybody or cause anybody to do drugs, but we are culpable in our own way. In a way that I do not think an addict will ever understand just like an enabler will NEVER understand an addict. There is one common bond between an enabler and addict, and that is addiction. Same coin, different sides.
---aka.joseph on 6/29/10

I am curious how long your husband has been out of work?

In like fashion, how long has he been on drugs and what kinds of drugs are they?

I would also like to know how long he has been with his children and ex?

You say you are giving him money, is there some reason why he has to hold out his hand?
---Higgins on 6/30/10

My son had a heroin addiction years ago. I helped him get to rehab and NA meetings, and told him flat out that if he used drugs again, he would be kicked out of my house. 10 months later, he was arrested for possession, and I refused to bail him out of jail, and when he did get out of jail, I kicked him out. His dad kicked him out when he used drugs while living with him. I even took his car away from him, which he never got the job, or went to class, like he promised he would.

Joyce, you stand strong and get into a support group like Al-Anon, or Nar-Anon, or Celebrate Recovery. I also suggest you find a women's Bible study and seek fellowship with other women.
---Trish9863 on 6/29/10

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Joyce, I am sorry about your situation, but I have to be blunt. I am a recovering enabler.

Addicts are superior actors and enablers are a captive audience. They feed each other. The former with money, and the other with promises.

Addicts use God, church, children, get money. I have noticed that you do not supply him money and guess where he is? This is his way of manipulating YOU. Sworn love and prayer is all part of the act and manipulation.

Seek faith based groups like Celebrate Recovery, and most of God on your own for now. It's up to you to stop the cycle of abuse that you are imposing on yourself.
---aka.joseph on 6/29/10

Cluny: The OP is not at fault for her husband's drug use, whether she enabled him or not. Unless she buys the drugs for him, and puts them in his hand or helps him fill the needles, HE is responsible for his drug use, and recovery. I have worked with plenty of addicts and alcoholics, and I am an alcoholic myself. Nobody is to blame for the addict or alcoholic, except that addict or alcoholic themselves. Because if she had not enabled him, he would have found another way to get the drugs. An addict will succeed at getting their drugs, with or without an enabler.
---Trish9863 on 6/29/10

Joyce, I am so very sorry things were read into your question that you never intended. Many of them come from people who have experienced similar situations but whose "exacts" were different. You should have been able to come here and been comforted and counseled in Christ without all the "assumptions". It isn't your fault. He makes his own decisions. I have people in my life who ask for money all the time, but the way I handle that is I ask them what they need it for and then go get what they need. I don't have any idea if your husband is misusing what you give him, but I am glad you are assured he has not cheated. Just simply listen to the Spirit of God and let His peace rule in your heart and be thankful.
---Linda on 6/29/10

I never said my husband was an unbeliever. When I entered this blog I never titled it this way. Certainly didn't intend for anyone to interpret him as a bum. No I am not giving him money to do drugs. Sorry I ever mentioned any of this.I feel like I'm going against my marriage by telling any of this. I pray God will forgive me.
---Joyce on 6/29/10

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Donna: Addicts do drugs because they are addicts, just like alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. End of story.
---Trish9863 on 6/29/10

I say he is not cheating, because he has not for entire time we were married, which is 5 1/2 years. We are both christians, and have accepted Christ. I believe he is confused because of the drugs and the non-working is linked to that. My husband is very convincing and at times has actually done the right thing. It's hard to describe everything, and I know how it appears. We do talk every day, and pray together. He professes how much he loves me. I'm certain he is a battle. My family and his felt the need to go against our marriage considering. I am not convinced he is cheating regardless. It's hard to know what he is going through.
---Joyce on 6/29/10

Please forgive me for asking, but if your husband is not working and doing drugs, and keeps asking you for money and you're giving it to him, what do YOU think you should do about your husband?

We as human beings cannot tell you what to do with him, ONLY God can because we do not know your history, your character, etc., only the few things you mentioned here in your post.

Why isn't he working would be my first question. Why has he done drugs? Which brings curses over your lives. It's NOT your fault, no, but do you two really know the Lord? Are you both "In Christ Jesus?" I'm running out of space to keep going with this line of thinking, sorry.
---Donna5535 on 6/29/10

The question you should be asking is: Do you have Biblical grounds for REMARRIAGE after divorce?

If you were acting as his enabler, it COULD be your fault. I will admit it's hard to recognize you were being his enabler at the time. Giving him money he spends for drugs when he won't work IS being his enabler, and there's no other way to describe what you did. I would suggest either Narc-Anon, Al-Anon, or even CODA to see if you why have been doing this. Stopping such dysfunctional behaviors will only make you a better person.

But getting back to your original issue, it's clear he's not pleased to dwell with you, so as St. Paul says, if he departs, let him depart.

In the meantime, stop giving him money. NOW!
---Cluny on 6/29/10

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If he is living with his ex, he is probably cheating. End of story.
---Trish9863 on 6/29/10

This seems to mean that he has gone back to his original partner (from before he married you) and their children.

Since he is now with her, and not with you, his wife, how come you reckon he hasn't cheated?
---alan8566_of_uk on 6/29/10

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