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Son Will Not Pay Rent

Grown son (29) lives with mom and dad. Hardly pays rent. Will not follow rules in house. Has begun to use pot. Any thoughts?

Moderator - It's time for him to move out.

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 ---Robyn on 11/5/10
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Cluny:

I meant putting words in quotes to distance the writer from them, for various reasons:
1) To apologize for them, as Strunk and White say, something that should not be done. If you want to say something, say it. If you don't want to, don't.
2) To distance oneself from them, as in my PETA example. In this case, PETA may claim to rescue animals, but the writer disagrees with this use of the word, so he distances himself from it.
3) To coin new phrases that violate accepted rules of spelling, grammar, style, or convention. For example, to use colloqialisms or introduce new words not in the language, or with different accepted meanings. Eloy should have put his unconventional use of "sinuous" in quotes in many posts.
---StrongAxe on 11/16/10


In THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE, Strunk and White say not to apologize for words by putting them in quotes. If it's the right word, as with PETA, use it. If not, don't.

Otherwise the writer is inviting the reader to join the select society of those who know better.
---Cluny on 11/16/10


Cluny:

One puts words in quotes in order to attribute them to another (sometimes hypothetical) person, which also means that the writer does not necessarily agree with what is written, he is merely quoting it for the reader.

The same can be used in cases where a writer wants to emphasize that a word he is using may not mean what he intends, but is a word that others would use in such a context - often indicating irony or sarcasm.

For example: "PETA 'rescued' animals by euthanizing more than 97% of them in 2006"
---StrongAxe on 11/15/10


\\I even went to my Catholic Priest and repented of my embarrassing scholastic sin.
---Sag on 11/8/10\\

This is not sinful per se.

Though the F should have encouraged you to study harder and learn more.
---Cluny on 11/12/10


You don't make words important by piling up quotes or other punctuation around them. Instead you use important words.

Didn't you learn that?

---Cluny on 11/8/10

No, I did not learn that. Instead, I just learned it from you! Thanks.

English class was where I earned my first F grade. It was on a pop quiz about Grammar. I even went to my Catholic Priest and repented of my embarrassing scholastic sin.
---Sag on 11/8/10




tough love sometimes work

Throw him out.
---willow on 11/8/10


The title of my post is incorrect again. I did not say my son was not paying rent. He did pay what we asked of him. No problem there. He just refused to stop bringing pot into the house after I and his dad asked him not to. Otherwise he has been a good son.
---Robyn on 11/8/10


\\Sorry if my writing isn't UP to your professional standards.\\

I learned in the eighth grade that only attributed direct quotes and titles of short stories and one act plays go in quotation marks.

You don't make words important by piling up quotes or other punctuation around them. Instead you use important words.

Didn't you learn that?
---Cluny on 11/8/10


I tell my older children that if they want to make independent decisions contrary to the what is best for the whole family then they need to go get an independent place of their own where they can make rules that reflect their independence. Had one to take me up on the offer. The other one, who just turned 18, continues to respect and honor us as parents.
---Linda on 11/8/10


Why would you let anyone like that stay in your home, son or not?
---Juanito on 11/8/10




Some men live with their parents. Due to the economy or wanting to protect loved ones. 29, one should have a job.If job related, financial or medical reasons BAD one couldn't assist with rent.If not,need to help.Bible say Honor your father and mother so that your days on earth will be long.No matter,if our parents are right/wrong,according to the word of God, we're to honor them, unless it goes against God.One is wrong when don't follow the rules. Pot not good for anyone.I would advise you to seek counseling for son, and encourage him to participate. Let him know consequences if doesn't, use tough love. If doesn't seek help, theres no alternative but him go.
---judy6696 on 11/8/10


\\My cousin's biological Father died, the Mom remarried, and the Step Father "kicked out" my cousin. No regrets. My cousin was "drinking" alcohol -- again -- and being "violent" towards the family -- again.\\

Why did you put those words in quotes as you did?

And how old was your cousin at the time?

---Cluny on 11/6/10

Sorry if my writing isn't UP to your professional standards.

"Drinking" and "Violent" were the NO-NOs if my cousin was going to live at home with his mother and step-father. "Kicked Out" was the consequence.

My cousin was 43 at the time. He had given up on: finishing college, working a job, etc. The bottle became his friend.
---Sag on 11/6/10


\\My cousin's biological Father died, the Mom remarried, and the Step Father "kicked out" my cousin. No regrets. My cousin was "drinking" alcohol -- again -- and being "violent" towards the family -- again.\\

Why did you put those words in quotes as you did?

And how old was your cousin at the time?
---Cluny on 11/6/10


Cluny: In regards to your question: I would pay rent if I lived with my son. If it were too much, I would find somewhere else to go. Whether my son asked money from me or not I would contribute something to the household, no matter how small. I feel that would be the loving and correct thing to do. I expect to be treated likewise.
---Robyn on 11/6/10


My son does not smoke pot in the house. He paid what we requested in rent($150/mo). He has been a good son. Started smoking pot recently.
He moved back several months ago. I gave a warning at that time, if he did not follow rules in the house that he would not be able to stay with us anymore.
---Robyn on 11/6/10


Wow how interesting ...a "Robyn" posted about a 23 yr old who refuses to find a job ...Sleeps all day and stays up all night under the "Love" topic too

good gracious I sincerely hope this is not the SAME Robyn with ANOTHER adult child that was not raised with any ambition!!!

regardless DRUG USE??

asking for what - permission? drugs are still against the law

you jeopardize your family and depending if any are kept with your son you could jeopardize your home, and if you rent (if landlord finds out) you could be kicked out

this isn't a "christian love issue" it is a legal issue - SEEK LEGAL HELP no "advise" should be followed here
---Rhonda on 11/6/10


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sounds to me that at 29 he is not grown up yet.normal adults have respect for their parents,as his parents respect is commanded by God.
---tom2 on 11/6/10


I thought they were for cars and lawn mowers.
---Cluny on 11/5/10

This gave me a childhood flashback about the family cat being locked in our garage overnight. The cat got to spend the entire night with the family car, and the lawnmower. The cat refused to come in and so was forgotten.

Anyway, my cousin got "kicked out" of his garage bedroom, in warm, sunny, Los Angeles, California.

My cousin's biological Father died, the Mom remarried, and the Step Father "kicked out" my cousin. No regrets. My cousin was "drinking" alcohol -- again -- and being "violent" towards the family -- again.

That's how the ball bounces when Tough Love comes into play!
---Sag on 11/6/10


You had better kick him out. you all get arrested. Police today are not too stable. They will just arrest all of you.
---catherine on 11/6/10


\\ Garages are for "cats" and "dogs". Right?\\

I thought they were for cars and lawn mowers.
---Cluny on 11/5/10


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Along with the other advice offered...

If you are aware he is bringing pot into the house, call the police and report him. If you really want to help him, do it.
---Bruce5656 on 11/5/10


I was "shocked" when my aunt ordered her son -- my cousin -- to live "in the garage". I thought that it was pretty cruel for a mother to treat her child like an animal. Garages are for "cats" and "dogs". Right?

I later learned that my cousin had a problem abstaining from alcohol -- even after several rehab stunts. He had "threatened" his family and probably even "assaulted" them.

Unfortunately, my aunt had been very kind, and ENABLING, of this wrongful home behavior. It is important that you don't ENABLE someone's "destructive" behavior.
---Sag on 11/5/10


Trish, 10 years old is a big boy now???

WOW!!

10 YEAR OLDS ARE STILL THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE PARENT. They get in trouble, YOU go to jail!!!


I do not believe in throwing away children. Now a 29 year old?? Kick the bumb out!!
---kathr4453 on 11/5/10


Trish....10 year old son???? Typo, I hope.
---karenD on 11/5/10


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Typo.....my son was 19 when I was dealing with his drug abuse and arrest. I did not catch the 10 till now.
---Trish on 11/5/10


I kicked my 10 year old son out after he was arrested for drug possession. This occurred after I had taken him to outpatient rehab for months, and an inpatient rehab for a month.. I warned him that if he picked up again, he was gone. He was also kicked out of his father's home for the same reason. His sister took him in, but sent him on his way after awhile. My son is in my life, and always has been, he just was no longer welcome as a resident in my home. He knows I love him, and I have tried to help him, but he is a big boy now.

Kick out your pot smoking son, and make him fend for himself.
---Trish on 11/5/10


Robyn...If this is your house, evict him. If it is not, stay out of it.
---KarenD on 11/5/10


I agree with the Moderator, the illegal drug activity is a deal breaker. There is an alternative to kicking him out though. It involves you forcing certain restrictions.

Be mindful that the chemical found in this drug used for it's detection lodges itself in the fatty tissues of the body and is detectable for a month or more. My advice is to screen him randomly to make sure he stays clean. You can buy home drug test kits at the pharmacy typically. I'd give him a month to clean up his act and require him to pay something if he has it, or better yet if he wants to be your child treat him like one a step further and make you governing his money a condition to him staying with you. That might be enough to make him decide to move on his own.
---Pharisee on 11/5/10


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Rent is the least worry. Deal with the most important issue and that's smoking pot in the parents home. I would ask him if he doesn't realize he is putting the parents in a bad legal place,the police could arrest them for knowingly allowing him to live there and do pot. I would tell the son I love him but either the pot stops or he goes,I will not be a partaker of his sin. At his age being able to even go home and live is a gift of love but that doesn't mean it is all free. Its time for him to grow up and realize there are no free rides in this world everyone has to pay their way. If he doesn't have to give the parents any money he has more to buy pot. Set the rules parents its your home,if he doesn't abide by them then I guess he wants to go.
---Darlene_1 on 11/5/10


i agree, give at least 30 days notice. tell him he's not alowed to smoke pot in your house. you do have a right to call law enforcement if he refuses because it could put you in danger as well.... IF he manages to get a job, then maybe he can help with bills as a trade for rent? that's what we'd do with our boys.
---candice on 11/5/10


Robyn, if you lived in your son's house, would you be expected to pay rent to him?
---Cluny on 11/5/10


Reads like "tough love" was never used - now it will be tougher. As one person said in the newpaper some years ago, "No one can take advantage of you unless you let them." As a parent I'd say, "It's our house, you obey our rules or move out."
---wivv on 11/5/10


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Robyn, have you ever heard of tough love?

It's time for your son to take responsibility for his life and get a job and move out of your house.

Give him 30 days notice...he can find a place by then. Doesn't he have a job? Is he unemployed? Was that his choice? or is he a victim of the economy?

I would never let my son use marijuana in my house, that's a big no no for me. Why do you let him do that? Kick him out...give him 30 days notcie.
---Donna5535 on 11/5/10


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